From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Ah, yes the magnificent Darwin Award, one of the most respected and sought after awards in history. A man could spend his entire life trying to get a Darwin Award (which wouldn't be very long, seeing as it is a Darwin Award). To those who want to win a Darwin Award, we salute you for ensuring the continuation of our species by weeding out the idiots in a spectacular, and often flaming exit to existence.
edit Acquiring Materials
For the purpose of this stunt we will be making a rocket car that will crash into the side of a mountain. The Basic materials used for this Darwin Award are as follows:
- Mountain Side
- Helmet (Not necessary, just looks good on the News reel.)
Pretty much anything can be used to get a Darwin award, fire is a big one in Darwin Awards. If it doesn't require fire the ending product will most likely be flaming anyway. To get these items you will need to do anything ranging from going to a Pawn shop and buying a gun, to sneaking into NASA wearing a ski mask and no shirt. WARNING: Getting some of the more elusive items, such as a rocket are very difficult, and may result in your death, before you can do the stunt, So make sure to bring backup.
edit The Rocket
If you get sent to jail, or killed during this part of the job, you failed. Please stop reading if this happened to you, because you can no longer attempt this stunt. To begin you need to go out to your local winter sports shop, and rob the store of a ski mask. This mask will later be used to rob NASA of their rockets. Once you acquire the Ski mask, head back to your house, and wait for the fuzz to get off your tail.
Now you have your ski mask, next you will need to get an airplane ticket to Florida. You got it? Good. Now get to Florida and drive to about half a mile from the NASA Gates. Now here comes the need for your ski mask. Put the ski mask on and run through the gates like a wild man. The Guards will be stunned just long enough for you to get through the gate and out of shooting range.
Don't waste any time! Get straight to the very center of the building (you know, where they keep the big-ass explosives and rockets.) If you have to kill any guards on your way through that only increases your chances of getting the award, if you get to the stunt that is.NASA like nothing happened.
edit The Car
So you acquired the Rocket, now all you need is a car, and you are ready for the stunt. A car can be found in captivity, or in the wild. If you are looking for a cheaper way to get the car you should steal one. Of course this choice may cause death, or imprisonment, so be careful who's car you steal.
If you want the safer, more expensive way (Not Recommended) you should visit a Car herder in a captivity zone for cars. The typical car will cost around $18,000 - $30,000, but if you would like to have a better chance at the award you should buy a more expensive car, such as a Hummer, Lamborghini, or a Ferrari (The more it costs, the better your chance.) Also once you bought the car, run over the salesman. Why? Why not!
Now that you have the car you must drive it to your house, and get ready to assemble the rocket car. You will need power tools, you can probably borrow them from your father or neighbor.
So you got the Rocket, you got the car, and you got the power tools from your father or neighbor now you need to assemble the rocket car. First you need to cut out the back of the car (NOT THE BACK OF THE CAR, THE INSIDE OF THE CAR!) Next you carry the Rocket and put it in the back of the car. Tape the rocket to the inside of the car, and use your Ivy-League Rocket Technician skills to... What? You aren't a Rocket Technician?! Well go to Princeton and get a degree stupid!
Ok, so you are back from Princeton, now that you have your Rocket Technician skills you can make the Rocket turn on when you press that little red button on the steering wheel. You see it? Good. Now load the car into your friends truck and drive out to a mountain, if its in a populated area you have a great chance of getting the award.
edit The Execution
So you got the materials, and you got the Car assembled, your friend is currently driving out to the spot it will take place in. You should reflect on your life, make sure you want to do this... Ok, thats enough reflection for one lifetime, have a nice death.
Well, you are here at the range. You have unloaded your car, and are just about ready to do this wild and crazy thing. You fit your helmet nicely onto your head, and look one last time at your friend wile he tries to score with a chick thats way out of his league.
So you push your foot down on the pedal and the car begins to move. You are steadily moving down the road, you reflect one last time on your life. All thats left now is to push... that... button...
edit Now What?
Well, Nothing... You should be dead, if not you failed, and need to go crawl into a hole and die.