User:Sog1970/Interactive Periodic Table/Pb

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Pub resesarch

Last known image of pioneering Pub-ium researcher, Prof. Terry Swiller (left), killed by broken glass to the neck from fellow researcher Dr Peter Piss-head (right).

Uniquely, element 82 is the only element to have been discovered inside a British ale-house while looking around the back of a one-armed bandit for spare change. Named Pub-ium in honour of its place of discovery, Element 82 combines a warm welcome to thirsty experimental investigators with a brooding under-current of xenophobic violence.

Properties of Pub-ium are notoriously difficult to pin down as they appear to differ greatly with both the time of day and the geographical location of the boozer in which the sample was isolated. Samples from with town centre bars are cold and indifferent whereas samples found in rural inns are more open to both strangers and illegal cock-fighting.

Investigators of early morning Pub-ium report a distinct lack of reactivity and their research papers are marked by inner despair and regret at over-indulgent research the night before. Most early morning pub-ium scientists report problems with addictive behaviour, impaired liver-function and impotence.

By contrast, chemists who investigate Pub-ium in the evening find reactivity noticeably higher, growing slowly from 6 pm to around 9 pm and exponentially thereafter. Research papers published after 11pm are characterised by random bold print, CAPITALISATION and ssslurrin'. Contradictory claims by researchers sssuggest that Pub-ium isssh eitha “Your bessst MATE or hassh “Alwaysss fuckin’ hated you, YOU bassstard.”

Beyond 2 AM Pub-ium becomesss sho reactive tha' it typically inducesss projectile vomitin' followed by POLICE arresht for public urination. But honesstly, Your HONOUR, I wasss only pisssssin' in the cemetary'cause the NITROGEN in the urea helpsss the flowersss grow better.

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