User:Sockpuppet of an unregistered user/UnScripts:House (TV Series)

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The UnScripts Project

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Pilot

(Scene in busy subway station, bunch of people, add some fillers, until a 20'ish female collapse on to the ground.)

(House theme)

(Scene now in the somewhat busy hospital halls, with House walking to Wilson in his usual manners.)

(House opens the door of Wilson's office)

WILSON: What now, House?

HOUSE: You would naturally jump to the conclusion that I have something that requires your assistance? What if I just want to talk? It's not always about you, you know.

WILSON: Okay, let me make this clearer, I am working, I can't humor you all day because you only have one patient.

HOUSE: But you're not working right now, from my usual observations, now is the time of day that you look at porn.

WILSON: Get out of my office, House.

HOUSE: Well now that we exchanged our daily pleasantries, it's time to get down to business.

(House tosses a folder on Wilson's desk, Wilson finds an X-ray image inside, and holds it up to the light.)

WILSON: What is this?

HOUSE: It's an X-ray of a lung, and here I thought they taught you stuff in Medical School.

WILSON: There's nothing wrong with this, this is a pair of healthy lungs.

HOUSE: I know, I just wanted to waste some of your precious time that you consider too important to be used on a conversation with good old House.

WILSON: Damn it!

HOUSE: And that, my dear Wilson, was a fine display of trolling, don't you think?

(House quickly exits outside the door.)

(Next scene in House's department. Foreman and Chase are sitting by the table)

FOREMAN: So how many patients have died on your operating table?

CHASE: You mean how many patients have I killed?

FOREMAN: Yes, that's another way of saying it.

CHASE: Damn, how many was that? Does it include the intentional ones?

FOREMAN: You did what?

(House walks in, throws a patient's files on the table, Chase and Foreman quickly pick it up to review it)

HOUSE: Woman in her mid twenties, suddenly collapses, with no detected neurological disorder or previous history. You! Australian accent!

CHASE: Cerebral infarction?

HOUSE: I'm sure a cerebral infarction would be noticed by the ER doctors, you moron. Now you! Angry black man!

FOREMAN: It's lupus.

HOUSE: Okay, how about you stop giving me smart-ass answers before I fire you?

CHASE: Where's Cameron?

HOUSE: Probably still in my bed after she drank that glass of champagne dosed with Flunitrazepam.

FOREMAN: You gave her a date rape drug!?!

HOUSE: I got tired of her talking about her husband dying of cancer.

CHASE: That's quite the gentleman thing to do.

HOUSE: Thank you, Chase, and for that, you shall receive a gold star.

FOREMAN: Fine, narcolepsy?

HOUSE: Second warning of smart-ass anwser, Foreman.

FOREMAN: But narcolepsy does cause unconsciousness!

HOUSE: Yes, but if she had narcolepsy, she probably does not need the special attention from the hospital's most talented diagnosticians and Foreman.

CHASE: What if it's environmental?

HOUSE: Go on.

CHASE: She collapsed in the old subway station, so she could be exposed to any type of chemical poisoning or fungus.

FOREMAN: Loss of consciousness from chemical poisoning is very unlikely.

HOUSE: But it does make for a field trip. Go, find me the chemical poison.

(Foreman and Chase walk out, House switches on the TV)

(Next scene still in House's department, House is watching TV.)

(Cameron comes in through the door)

HOUSE: Well look who finally decides to come to work.

CAMERON: So how drunk was I, last night?

HOUSE: You offered to perform oral sex but fell asleep on my crotch.

CAMERON: Wow, I can't believe I did that.

HOUSE: Being the noble gentleman that I was, I laid you to rest on the couch and covered you with a nice blanket.

CAMERON: That's not what really happened, was it?

HOUSE: No, the actual event was far more sexual and enjoyable for me.

CAMERON: Let's leave it at that.

HOUSE: My corpora cavernosa became engorged with venous blood as my eye laid upon your unconscious body, the pure-.

CAMERON: House!

HOUSE: Fine, I'll stop.

CAMERON: Where's Chase and Foreman?

HOUSE: The Aussie and the black man are off on an adventure to collect chemical poisons.

CAMERON: Is there anything left to do?

HOUSE: Go give the patient an MRI.

CAMERON: Why?

HOUSE: Because I feel like wasting the hospital money and blasting the patient with radiation.

CAMERON: I'll get right on it.

(Cameron exits, House goes back to watching the TV)

(Next scene in path to subway station, Chase and Foreman walking down the stairs to the platform)

FOREMAN: How can you stand him! He has absolutely no regard for anything other than solving the puzzle, and is a jerk about it afterwards!

CHASE: It's quite simple, I get paid no matter what he tells me, be it to get him coffee, or dump the body of his prostitute, and usually he doesn't let me do things that are too illegal.

FOREMAN: Damn it Chase! We have to stand up to him! We can't let House push us around all the time!

CHASE: No, how about this, you confront him on his attitude, get fired for incompetence, and I get more appreciation from House because I supposedly respect him more.

FOREMAN: Whatever, we're here, you see anything that's interesting?

CHASE: Yes I do, that blonde over there has some very nice features.

FOREMAN: We're working, not flirting with random women.

CHASE: Correction, you're working, I'm going to flirt with that woman right there.

(Chase approaches the woman, Foreman goes back to find a possible source of chemical poison)

CHASE: Well hello there, what's your name?

STACY: Hi, I'm Stacy, you wanna have sex?

CHASE: (Disbelief) I'm sorry?

STACY: Well I was diagnosed with AIDS a week ago, so I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my life.

CHASE: Um, actually, I'm here to spread the word of the lord, have you found God in your life?

STACY: I thought I did, but my faith gradually faded.

CHASE: Okay, well try to find it again, have a good day, madam. (Chase quickly dashes back to Foreman)

FOREMAN: You're back quick, was she a transgender?

CHASE: Sure, why not, anyway, you found a possible source?

FOREMAN: It could be the paint on the walls.

CHASE: Fine, but you're telling House that.

FOREMAN: What! Why do I have to tell him?

CHASE: Because you are a minority, and you can sue him for racism if he fires you.

FOREMAN: Good point.

(Chase and Foreman exit the platform)

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