User:Sockpuppet of an unregistered user/UnScripts:House (TV Series)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

< User:Sockpuppet of an unregistered user(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Actually, I think this is hilarious. It needs to be longer, though.)
(Spelling and stuff.)
Line 12: Line 12:
 
'''WILSON:''' What now, House?
 
'''WILSON:''' What now, House?
   
'''HOUSE:''' You would naturally jump to the conculsion that I have something that requires your assistance? What if I just want to talk? Its not always about you, you know.
+
'''HOUSE:''' You would naturally jump to the conclusion that I have something that requires your assistance? What if I just want to talk? It's not always about you, you know.
   
'''WILSON:''' Ok, let me make this clearer, I am working, I can't humor you all day because you only have one patient.
+
'''WILSON:''' Okay, let me make this clearer, I am working, I can't humor you all day because you only have one patient.
   
'''HOUSE:''' But you're not working right now, from my usual observation, now is the time of day that look at porn.
+
'''HOUSE:''' But you're not working right now, from my usual observations, now is the time of day that you look at porn.
   
 
'''WILSON:''' Get out of my office, House.
 
'''WILSON:''' Get out of my office, House.
   
'''HOUSE:''' Well now that we exchanged our daily plesantries, is time to get down to business.
+
'''HOUSE:''' Well now that we exchanged our daily pleasantries, it's time to get down to business.
   
''(House toss a folder on Wilson's desk, Wilson finds an X-Ray image inside, and holds it up to the light.)''
+
''(House tosses a folder on Wilson's desk, Wilson finds an X-ray image inside, and holds it up to the light.)''
   
 
'''WILSON:''' What is this?
 
'''WILSON:''' What is this?
   
'''HOUSE:''' It's an x-ray of a lung, and here I thought they at taught you stuff in Medical School.
+
'''HOUSE:''' It's an X-ray of a lung, and here I thought they taught you stuff in Medical School.
   
 
'''WILSON:''' There's nothing wrong with this, this is a pair of healthy lungs.
 
'''WILSON:''' There's nothing wrong with this, this is a pair of healthy lungs.
Line 50: Line 50:
 
'''FOREMAN:''' You did what?
 
'''FOREMAN:''' You did what?
   
''(House walks in, throws a patient's files on the table, Chase and Foreman quickly picks it up to review it)''
+
''(House walks in, throws a patient's files on the table, Chase and Foreman quickly pick it up to review it)''
   
 
'''HOUSE:''' Woman in her mid twenties, suddenly collapses, with no detected neurological disorder or previous history. You! Australian accent!
 
'''HOUSE:''' Woman in her mid twenties, suddenly collapses, with no detected neurological disorder or previous history. You! Australian accent!
Line 56: Line 56:
 
'''CHASE:''' Cerebral infarction?
 
'''CHASE:''' Cerebral infarction?
   
'''HOUSE:''' I'm sure a cerebral infarction be noticed by the ER doctors, you moron. Now you! Angry black man!
+
'''HOUSE:''' I'm sure a cerebral infarction would be noticed by the ER doctors, you moron. Now you! Angry black man!
   
'''FOREMAN:''' Its lupus.
+
'''FOREMAN:''' It's lupus.
   
'''HOUSE:''' Ok, how about you stop giving me smart-ass anwser before I fire you?
+
'''HOUSE:''' Okay, how about you stop giving me smart-ass answers before I fire you?
   
 
'''CHASE:''' Where's Cameron?
 
'''CHASE:''' Where's Cameron?
   
'''HOUSE:''' Probrably still in my bed after she drank that glass of champagne dosed with Flunitrazepam.
+
'''HOUSE:''' Probably still in my bed after she drank that glass of champagne dosed with Flunitrazepam.
   
 
'''FOREMAN:''' You gave her a date rape drug!?!
 
'''FOREMAN:''' You gave her a date rape drug!?!
Line 70: Line 70:
 
'''HOUSE:''' I got tired of her talking about her husband dying of cancer.
 
'''HOUSE:''' I got tired of her talking about her husband dying of cancer.
   
'''CHASE:''' That's quiet the gentleman thing to do.
+
'''CHASE:''' That's quite the gentleman thing to do.
   
'''HOUSE:''' Thank you, Chase, and for that, you shall recieve a gold star.
+
'''HOUSE:''' Thank you, Chase, and for that, you shall receive a gold star.
   
 
'''FOREMAN:''' Fine, narcolepsy?
 
'''FOREMAN:''' Fine, narcolepsy?
Line 80: Line 80:
 
'''FOREMAN:''' But narcolepsy does cause unconsciousness!
 
'''FOREMAN:''' But narcolepsy does cause unconsciousness!
   
'''HOUSE:''' Yes, but if she had narcolepsy, she probrably does not need the special attention from the hospital's most talented diagnosticians and Foreman.
+
'''HOUSE:''' Yes, but if she had narcolepsy, she probably does not need the special attention from the hospital's most talented diagnosticians and Foreman.
   
'''CHASE:''' What if its environmental?
+
'''CHASE:''' What if it's environmental?
   
 
'''HOUSE:''' Go on.
 
'''HOUSE:''' Go on.
Line 92: Line 92:
 
'''HOUSE:''' But it does make for a field trip. Go, find me the chemical poison.
 
'''HOUSE:''' But it does make for a field trip. Go, find me the chemical poison.
   
''(Forman and Chase walks out, House opens the TV)''
+
''(Foreman and Chase walk out, House switches on the TV)''
   
 
''(Next scene still in House's department, House is watching TV.)''
 
''(Next scene still in House's department, House is watching TV.)''
   
''(Cameron comes in the door)''
+
''(Cameron comes in through the door)''
   
 
'''HOUSE:''' Well look who finally decides to come to work.
 
'''HOUSE:''' Well look who finally decides to come to work.
Line 104: Line 104:
 
'''HOUSE:''' You offered to perform oral sex but fell asleep on my crotch.
 
'''HOUSE:''' You offered to perform oral sex but fell asleep on my crotch.
   
'''CAMERON:''' Wow, I can't believe that I did that.
+
'''CAMERON:''' Wow, I can't believe I did that.
   
'''HOUSE:''' Being the nobel gentleman that I was, I laid you to rest on the couch and covered you with a nice blanket.
+
'''HOUSE:''' Being the noble gentleman that I was, I laid you to rest on the couch and covered you with a nice blanket.
   
 
'''CAMERON:''' That's not what really happened, was it?
 
'''CAMERON:''' That's not what really happened, was it?
Line 114: Line 114:
 
'''CAMERON:''' Let's leave it at that.
 
'''CAMERON:''' Let's leave it at that.
   
'''HOUSE:''' My corpora cavernosa became engorged with venous blood as my eye laid upon your unconcious body, the pure-.
+
'''HOUSE:''' My corpora cavernosa became engorged with venous blood as my eye laid upon your unconscious body, the pure-.
   
 
'''CAMERON:''' House!
 
'''CAMERON:''' House!
Line 122: Line 122:
 
'''CAMERON:''' Where's Chase and Foreman?
 
'''CAMERON:''' Where's Chase and Foreman?
   
'''HOUSE:''' The Aussi and the black man are off on an adventure to collect chemical poisons.
+
'''HOUSE:''' The Aussie and the black man are off on an adventure to collect chemical poisons.
   
 
'''CAMERON:''' Is there anything left to do?
 
'''CAMERON:''' Is there anything left to do?
Line 138: Line 138:
 
''(Next scene in path to subway station, Chase and Foreman walking down the stairs to the platform)''
 
''(Next scene in path to subway station, Chase and Foreman walking down the stairs to the platform)''
   
'''FOREMAN:''' How can you stand him! He has absolutely no regard for anything other than solving the puzzle, and is a jerk about it after!
+
'''FOREMAN:''' How can you stand him! He has absolutely no regard for anything other than solving the puzzle, and is a jerk about it afterwards!
   
'''CHASE:''' Is quite simple, I get paid no matter what he tells me, be it get him coffee, or dump the body of his prostitute, and usually he doesn't let me do things that are too illegal.
+
'''CHASE:''' It's quite simple, I get paid no matter what he tells me, be it to get him coffee, or dump the body of his prostitute, and usually he doesn't let me do things that are too illegal.
   
 
'''FOREMAN:''' Damn it Chase! We have to stand up to him! We can't let House push us around all the time!
 
'''FOREMAN:''' Damn it Chase! We have to stand up to him! We can't let House push us around all the time!
   
'''CHASE:''' No, how about this, you confront him on his attitude, gets fired for incompetence, and I get more appreciation from House because I supposedly respect him more.
+
'''CHASE:''' No, how about this, you confront him on his attitude, get fired for incompetence, and I get more appreciation from House because I supposedly respect him more.
   
 
'''FOREMAN:''' Whatever, we're here, you see anything that's interesting?
 
'''FOREMAN:''' Whatever, we're here, you see anything that's interesting?
Line 154: Line 154:
 
'''CHASE:''' Correction, you're working, I'm going to flirt with that woman right there.
 
'''CHASE:''' Correction, you're working, I'm going to flirt with that woman right there.
   
''(Chase approaches the woman, Foreman goes back to find possible source of chemical poison)''
+
''(Chase approaches the woman, Foreman goes back to find a possible source of chemical poison)''
   
 
'''CHASE:''' Well hello there, what's your name?
 
'''CHASE:''' Well hello there, what's your name?
Line 164: Line 164:
 
'''STACY:''' Well I was diagnosed with AIDS a week ago, so I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my life.
 
'''STACY:''' Well I was diagnosed with AIDS a week ago, so I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my life.
   
'''CHASE:''' Um, actually, I'm here to spread the word of the lord, have you found god in your life?
+
'''CHASE:''' Um, actually, I'm here to spread the word of the lord, have you found God in your life?
   
 
'''STACY:''' I thought I did, but my faith gradually faded.
 
'''STACY:''' I thought I did, but my faith gradually faded.
   
'''CHASE:''' Ok, well try to find it again, have a good day, madam. (Chase quickly dashes back to Foreman)
+
'''CHASE:''' Okay, well try to find it again, have a good day, madam. (Chase quickly dashes back to Foreman)
   
 
'''FOREMAN:''' You're back quick, was she a transgender?
 
'''FOREMAN:''' You're back quick, was she a transgender?
Line 184: Line 184:
 
'''FOREMAN:''' Good point.
 
'''FOREMAN:''' Good point.
   
''(Chase and Foreman exits the platform)''
+
''(Chase and Foreman exit the platform)''
   
 
{{ICU|23:35, July 30, 2011 (UTC)|sub=short}}
 
{{ICU|23:35, July 30, 2011 (UTC)|sub=short}}

Revision as of 23:53, July 30, 2011

Unscriptlogo


This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.


Main Paige | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection


Pilot

(Scene in busy subway station, bunch of people, add some fillers, until a 20'ish female collapse on to the ground.)

(House theme)

(Scene now in the somewhat busy hospital halls, with House walking to Wilson in his usual manners.)

(House opens the door of Wilson's office)

WILSON: What now, House?

HOUSE: You would naturally jump to the conclusion that I have something that requires your assistance? What if I just want to talk? It's not always about you, you know.

WILSON: Okay, let me make this clearer, I am working, I can't humor you all day because you only have one patient.

HOUSE: But you're not working right now, from my usual observations, now is the time of day that you look at porn.

WILSON: Get out of my office, House.

HOUSE: Well now that we exchanged our daily pleasantries, it's time to get down to business.

(House tosses a folder on Wilson's desk, Wilson finds an X-ray image inside, and holds it up to the light.)

WILSON: What is this?

HOUSE: It's an X-ray of a lung, and here I thought they taught you stuff in Medical School.

WILSON: There's nothing wrong with this, this is a pair of healthy lungs.

HOUSE: I know, I just wanted to waste some of your precious time that you consider too important to be used on a conversation with good old House.

WILSON: Damn it!

HOUSE: And that, my dear Wilson, was a fine display of trolling, don't you think?

(House quickly exits outside the door.)

(Next scene in House's department. Foreman and Chase are sitting by the table)

FOREMAN: So how many patients have died on your operating table?

CHASE: You mean how many patients have I killed?

FOREMAN: Yes, that's another way of saying it.

CHASE: Damn, how many was that? Does it include the intentional ones?

FOREMAN: You did what?

(House walks in, throws a patient's files on the table, Chase and Foreman quickly pick it up to review it)

HOUSE: Woman in her mid twenties, suddenly collapses, with no detected neurological disorder or previous history. You! Australian accent!

CHASE: Cerebral infarction?

HOUSE: I'm sure a cerebral infarction would be noticed by the ER doctors, you moron. Now you! Angry black man!

FOREMAN: It's lupus.

HOUSE: Okay, how about you stop giving me smart-ass answers before I fire you?

CHASE: Where's Cameron?

HOUSE: Probably still in my bed after she drank that glass of champagne dosed with Flunitrazepam.

FOREMAN: You gave her a date rape drug!?!

HOUSE: I got tired of her talking about her husband dying of cancer.

CHASE: That's quite the gentleman thing to do.

HOUSE: Thank you, Chase, and for that, you shall receive a gold star.

FOREMAN: Fine, narcolepsy?

HOUSE: Second warning of smart-ass anwser, Foreman.

FOREMAN: But narcolepsy does cause unconsciousness!

HOUSE: Yes, but if she had narcolepsy, she probably does not need the special attention from the hospital's most talented diagnosticians and Foreman.

CHASE: What if it's environmental?

HOUSE: Go on.

CHASE: She collapsed in the old subway station, so she could be exposed to any type of chemical poisoning or fungus.

FOREMAN: Loss of consciousness from chemical poisoning is very unlikely.

HOUSE: But it does make for a field trip. Go, find me the chemical poison.

(Foreman and Chase walk out, House switches on the TV)

(Next scene still in House's department, House is watching TV.)

(Cameron comes in through the door)

HOUSE: Well look who finally decides to come to work.

CAMERON: So how drunk was I, last night?

HOUSE: You offered to perform oral sex but fell asleep on my crotch.

CAMERON: Wow, I can't believe I did that.

HOUSE: Being the noble gentleman that I was, I laid you to rest on the couch and covered you with a nice blanket.

CAMERON: That's not what really happened, was it?

HOUSE: No, the actual event was far more sexual and enjoyable for me.

CAMERON: Let's leave it at that.

HOUSE: My corpora cavernosa became engorged with venous blood as my eye laid upon your unconscious body, the pure-.

CAMERON: House!

HOUSE: Fine, I'll stop.

CAMERON: Where's Chase and Foreman?

HOUSE: The Aussie and the black man are off on an adventure to collect chemical poisons.

CAMERON: Is there anything left to do?

HOUSE: Go give the patient an MRI.

CAMERON: Why?

HOUSE: Because I feel like wasting the hospital money and blasting the patient with radiation.

CAMERON: I'll get right on it.

(Cameron exits, House goes back to watching the TV)

(Next scene in path to subway station, Chase and Foreman walking down the stairs to the platform)

FOREMAN: How can you stand him! He has absolutely no regard for anything other than solving the puzzle, and is a jerk about it afterwards!

CHASE: It's quite simple, I get paid no matter what he tells me, be it to get him coffee, or dump the body of his prostitute, and usually he doesn't let me do things that are too illegal.

FOREMAN: Damn it Chase! We have to stand up to him! We can't let House push us around all the time!

CHASE: No, how about this, you confront him on his attitude, get fired for incompetence, and I get more appreciation from House because I supposedly respect him more.

FOREMAN: Whatever, we're here, you see anything that's interesting?

CHASE: Yes I do, that blonde over there has some very nice features.

FOREMAN: We're working, not flirting with random women.

CHASE: Correction, you're working, I'm going to flirt with that woman right there.

(Chase approaches the woman, Foreman goes back to find a possible source of chemical poison)

CHASE: Well hello there, what's your name?

STACY: Hi, I'm Stacy, you wanna have sex?

CHASE: (Disbelief) I'm sorry?

STACY: Well I was diagnosed with AIDS a week ago, so I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my life.

CHASE: Um, actually, I'm here to spread the word of the lord, have you found God in your life?

STACY: I thought I did, but my faith gradually faded.

CHASE: Okay, well try to find it again, have a good day, madam. (Chase quickly dashes back to Foreman)

FOREMAN: You're back quick, was she a transgender?

CHASE: Sure, why not, anyway, you found a possible source?

FOREMAN: It could be the paint on the walls.

CHASE: Fine, but you're telling House that.

FOREMAN: What! Why do I have to tell him?

CHASE: Because you are a minority, and you can sue him for racism if he fires you.

FOREMAN: Good point.

(Chase and Foreman exit the platform)

Personal tools
projects