User:Sockpuppet of an unregistered user/Tom Cruise

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Thomas Cruise Thumb IV (born July 3, 1962), better known as Tom Cruise, is a hyperactive, American, sugar-addicted actor, beard collector, couch jumper, religious extremist, latent - though repressed - heterosexual (disputed- see talk page), Oompa Loompah, heterosexual rights activist and is the first human being to accomplish the act of fitting not just his head, but his entire body, up his own ass. He will not come out of the closet. He is an avid follower of Murder Incorporated, trailing behind all the other freaks who are running away from him. He still wont come out of the closet. His cell phone is rumored to be 818-426-1482. Many scientist believe he is a member of the, long thought to be extinct, species Couchus-Jumpus Retardus, more commonly known as the Tom-Rex which, contrary to popular belief, wont come out of the closet.

His first screen appearance was in 1983's Return of the Jedi as the beloved Ewok, Wicket who has still not come out of the closet. This role propelled him into a long and illustrious film career during which he amassed a fortune by playing vacuous and arrogant heterosexual pretty-boys with limited emotional range. He plays some of this role well in his off-screen life, having been an outspoken representative for everything from the mental health profession, to felching, lawsuits, closet-hider's rights activism and soul-stealing aliens. Proving himself to be semi-competent at several activities (such as adult diaper wearing and staying in the closet), he also qualified for a spot on the Men's Couch-jumping Team to represent America in the 2004 Olympic Games, but unfortunately had to decline due to an unexplained anal injury originally brought about by a misleading link. However, he still remains a keen exponent of this ancient sport and has exhibited his cushiony prowess whilst hopping around the Global Publicity Circuit.

Education

Usingdianetics7ks

Tom Cruise, who is not gay, uses Dianetics from Scientology instead of Psychiatry.

Cruise, who is not gay, was once enrolled in the Al Pacino Academy of Shouting, but could not deal with Pacino's verbal abuse, demeaning Cruise for the rumors surrounding his sexuality, as well as his belief that deep down inside of everyone, dwelled some kind of alien spirit from another planet. Cruise, who is not gay, then dropped out and decided to specialize in Scientology.

Educated by the great Elrond Hubbard himself, Cruise, who is not gay, enjoys higher brain fluctuations than normal people. This causes him to say things without thinking, a byproduct of his ADHD, OCD and over-masturbation to pictures of the Chippendale's. His lack of education causes Cruise to do stupid entertaining things, like attacking Oprah, and believing in Scientology.

This arduous part of Cruizesezes' training was later adapted into a Broadway musical featuring much fine dialogue.

Life in Munchkinland

Tom-silly-eyes

Level 16 auditing.

“Ha ha ha! Fun sized.”
~ Phil Ken Sebben on Tom Cruise

Standing at just 1'2", Cruise, who is not gay, is the size of a common table lamp, and is often seen wearing stilettos or dangling from a string in front of the camera in order to correct the perspective when working with normal sized actors.

A darling of American cinema, Tom Cruise, who is not gay, is continually ranked in People Magazine as one of the 100 sexiest stars in film history ever, ahead of Carrot Top and Yoda.

Alientom

As an OT VIII level "operating thetan", Cruise is able to "control or operate thought, life, matter, energy, space and time".

Tom Cruise, who is not gay, will do anything to indulge the audience, including, but not limited to, hopping onto and dancing on the furniture in the studios of morning talk shows. His favorite couch to stomp is the BillyBob, a medium-sized comfy chair available for purchase in an Ikea near you. Tom uses couches so as he can see the world from normal-sized people's perspective.

Tom Cruise, who is not gay, is well known for his irrational hatred of gays and couches. He especially hates gay couches, and emphatically insists that he is not a gay couch himself. Cruise, who is not gay, cites his public advocacy of the proposed 92nd Amendment to ban gays and couches in the USA, which was rejected by both the Serious wing of the Decepticon Party for being "too silly", and the Silly wing of the Silly Party for "insufficiently silly". News sources, however, do not confirm Cruise's account, who is not gay.

In 2005, he revealed his multi-disciplinary expertise on the Today Show with Matt Lauer. Cruise, who is not gay, chided Lauer for being ignorant of Tom's true splendor and confirmed that he had "studied the history of psychiatry", making Tom Cruise a historian (but not gay). Cruise, who is not gay, called Lauer "glib" and had him desperately hunting for a Matthew-Webster dictionary. Tom Cruise, who is not gay, is a devoted and zealous follower of Scientology claiming it is a religion. Cruise affirmed, "It is a religion. Because it is dealing with the spirit". Cruise, who is not gay, further added, "Alcoholism, which deals with the spirit, is also a religion." This conclusively proves that Tom Cruise is not gay, unlike Freddie Mercury, who is was definitely gay.
Tomcruiseanimated

Tom, who is not gay, shows Oprah Scientology's method for giving birth without sound. He is not molesting the couch.


During the course of his lecture to Lauer, Cruise, who is not gay, also revealed he doesn't believe in psychiatry. "Psychiatry is... is a pseudo science", Tom Cruise, who is not gay, informed the audience. He also went on to make known to one and all that "there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance". He further divulged that he does not believe in dentistry, geography, gravity, dinosaurs, Lithuania, oranges, diet sodas, or any other "science". He then made the Vulcan hand gesture and pretended to be whisked away in an alien spacecraft. "Nanu-nanu." He proceeded to make a Nazi salute but his balls imploded before he could finish so he had to rush to the nearest toilet to empty and replace his bloody sac with a mechanical sac. Yes, he he has CYBERBALLZ OMG!!!111!111one!111

What he does believe in, however, are past lives. Tom Cruise, who is not gay, has stated that he believes that he is the reincarnation of William Shakespeare, thus bringing the number of people worldwide who believe they are the reincarnation of William Shakespeare to an estimated 1,423,622. But this is absurd since the remaining 1,423,621 people are gay, unlike Tom Cruise and Shakespeare, who are OBVIOUSLY not gay.

Hollywood Family Life

Tom cruise

Tom cruise in his appearance in Doctor Who. Guess which one is him, go on, guess!

His Eyes Looked Puppy-like, Meaning Everlasting Pleasure, Love, Excitement, And Something Else...”
~ Katie Holmes on Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise's second Hollywood marriage was with Australian actress Nicole Kidman. Initially, it was feared that the 30 inch height difference would pose a problem, but this was solved when Cruise, who is not gay, cut Kidman's legs off at the knee with a rusty hacksaw. Kidman missed her shins very much and so, in 1995, they adopted them. Some harsh critics have alleged that they adopted, because Cruise could not have children, as he was a gay alien. In 2001, the couple divorced, when Kidman realized that Cruise wasn't joking when he said he couldn't reach.

Tom Katie

Tom had to stand on a crate just to look normal standing with Katie on their wedding day.

Standing at just 1'2" tall (1/2" shorter than his clitoris), Tom Cruise, who is not gay, presently is married to trainee historian Katie Holmes, who is approximately 78 years younger than Tom. Cruise and Holmes got together when Holmes was promoting the movie "Batman Starts All Over on Xenu" and Cruise was promoting "War of the Xenu Worlds". The birth of their child was strangely timed to coincide with the release of Cruise's new 2006 film, "Xenu Impossible 3". Holmes is a radiant, jaw-dropping beauty, with mesmerizing eyes and teeth with more unique directions than a compass. Holmes states "He is my man, oh yes, he is my man." Why photos always show her leaning away from Cruise, who is not gay, remains a mystery. And she also is not gay and, although widely reported to be, is neither a robot nor a zombie. She may be possessed, but the Vatican has yet to confirm those rumors. When asked why so many people are cynical of Cruise's relationship with Katie, Cruise, who is not gay, said "Anyone who's not happy for me, is against me. And, I'm not gay."

The Mom

In an exclusive straight out of the National Enquirer, Tom's mom was found to be Xenu's half-bred spawn. Yeah, you heard me right, Tom Cruise, who is not gay, is the last descendant of Xenu! With tentacles for arms and a vibrator for a penis, he slithers around making stupid movies. In the movie The War of The Worlds he nearly got the role of the main bad guy/alien/half-bred but the director found out he was human at the last minute and decided to be the freelance terrorist who kills not only the aliens, but also mankind.

The Baby

Some people think that Tom Cruise, who is not gay, had a baby, even though this has scientifically been proven to be impossible. Among the many reasons this couldn't be true, here are a few important ones.

Suri
  1. - He has no balls.
  2. - The baby isn't gay.
  3. - The baby doesn't worship aliens as portrayed in Scientology, so the baby is currently undergoing brainwashing Scientology indoctrination classes Xenu-propaganda barrages nothing, nothing at all; in fact, baby Suri is undergoing a lovely six-week vacation cruise on the Scientology-owned cruise ship.
  4. - Tom Cruise, who is not gay, cannot produce sperm, as he is a female. Recently, controversial reports have shown that he received a botched vaginoplasty and presently there is a just a mass of raw flesh surrounding his pelvic region.
Tomcruiseship

Tom Cruise on his scientology "Tom" Cruise-ship.

Some theories of the baby's origin are:

  1. -Xenu inseminated Katie Holmes at Tom Cruise's birthday bash at Chuckie Cheese.
  2. -The thetans Tom has rid his body of conglomerated into a life form inside Bon Jovi's ass
  3. -The baby is actually Tom's alter ego when he doesn't eat enough cookies.
  4. -Tom took advice from Madonna and bought the baby off eBay.
  5. -Tom Cruise, who is not gay, was impregnated with the frozen semen of L. Ron Hubbard so that Tom may give birth to a vessel which will become the avatar of the reincarnated L. Ron Hubbard. Katie is just a red herring used to make the public think Tom is male.

Additionally, no one has actually seen the baby, though a handful of friends of Tom Cruise, who is not gay, and Katie Holmes, who are also famous Hollywood actors, have reported they've seen the baby. It's quite possible there is no baby, and these other famous Hollywood actors are also secret Scientologists who are in on the scam. Some believe that "seeing the baby" is part of a Scientologist initiation rite for celebrities that involves a anally-induced peyote vision quest.

Tom cruise demon

Cruise, who is not gay, shows Oprah how Scientology's "auditing" sessions work.

When asked for pictures of the baby, Tom Cruise, who is not gay, reportedly said "No way you people are going to exploit my baby! I'm going to exploit my baby and do it on my own damn time!" On Sept. 11th, 2006, in celebration of the 5th anniversary of the attack on the WTC, Tom Cruise, who is not gay, released his first exploitation of baby Suri, a bronze cast of Suri's first bowel movement, available for 599 US dollars plus Shipping & Handling.

The baby's name is reportedly supposed to be "Suri", though it could be a Tom Cruise' coked-up attempt to pronounce curry, his favorite food.

OpenCouchSurfing

In 2007 a splinter group of unhappy CouchSurfers, led by Tom Cruise, who is not gay, started OpenCouchSurfing, a terrorist organization entering people's homes to slice open couches and hide themselves for unexpecting old ladies. They made the news in many places, especially in Nelson, a picturesque little town also known as the Florida of New Zealand, where many old ladies where found dead - with their couches slit wide open. The crazed couch surfers become especially violent when they hear the phrases "No worries" and "You rock!" - or the now infamous "Big hugs" - a phrase bringing along a series of gory massacres across the globe after its introduction to couchsurfer lingo.

Hollywood Roles

Tom Rambo Cruise

Tom Cruise, who is not gay, wanted to play the main part in "Rambo" but due to Tom being a total douche, they chose Sylvester Stallone instead.

CruiseHeil

Tom at Cannes in 2007. Notice the new fascionable look.

Tcstormtrooper

Cruise, who is not gay, in Valkyrie, trying to show Germany that he isn't a Nazi.

Tomcruiseunicorn

Tommy in the little known "Planet Unicorn" series directed by Oscar Wilde.

For those that think Cruise, who is not gay, is a limited actor, we offer this insightful analysis of his range of characters:

  • Risky Business - Cruise, who is not gay, plays an entrepreneur trying to live up to the example set by his entrepreneur father and slaps other guys on the back for money.
  • Top Gun - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a Navy pilot trying to live up to the example set by his dead Navy pilot father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • The Color of Money - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a pool hustler trying to live up to the example set an older father-figure pool hustler and manages to slap Paul Newman on the back.
  • Fifi's Angels-Tom Cruise, who is not gay, plays a secret agent filled with bombs to blow up an ice cream factory
  • Cocktail - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a bartender trying to live up to the example set by an older father-figure bartender and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Rain Man - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a man trying to live up to the example set by his autistic brother and slaps guys on the back.
  • Born on the Fourth of July - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a soldier who can't live up to the example set by his father. He slaps other guys on the back, stupidly enlists in Vietnam, were he gets shot in the back, rendering him paralyzed from the waist down. While recuperating, he utter the words "Big erect, fucking penis." to the actress playing his mother. Oedipus Complex anyone?
  • Days of Thunder - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a race car driver trying to live up to the example set by his dead race car driver father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Far and Away - Cruise, who is not gay, plays an immigrant who can't live up to the example set by his dead father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • A Few Good Men - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a Navy lawyer trying to live up to the example set by his dead Navy lawyer father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Interview with the Vampire - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a dead guy trying to live up to the example set by his progenitors, who are like father figures, right? And, oh, he, uh, bites other guys on the back?
  • Mission Impossible - Cruise, who is not gay, plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
  • Jerry Maguire - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a talent agent trying to keep a company going on started by his father and very gently slaps Cuba Gooding Jr. on the back.
  • Eyes Wide Shut - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a doctor trying to live up to the sexual example set by his now ex-wife, Nicole Kidman.
  • Mission Impossible 2 - Cruise, who is not gay, plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
  • Vanilla Sky - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a publisher trying to live up to the example set by his dead publisher father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Minority Report - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a futuristic cop trying to live up to the example set by his future dead father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • The Last Samurai - Cruise, who is not gay, plays an Army Officer trying to live up to the example set by his dead Army Officer father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Collateral - Cruise, who is not gay, murders people. On the back.
  • War of the Worlds- Cruise, who is not gay, plays a devoted family man trying to live up to the example set by his father figures/tripedal death machines and slaps the shit out of the machines' backs.
  • Mission Impossible 3 - Cruise, who is not gay, plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/film franchise/mission and slaps other men on the back.
  • Top Gun 2.0: Mo' Missiles, Mo' Trouble' (Release Date 2009 EST) - After slapping too many men on the back, Maverick is drummed out of the service and has to redeem himself by living up to his dead father by going to Vietnam and blowing stuff up. He then returns to duty, where he slaps more men on the back. Kelly McGinnus reprises her role as his long lost sister, who DEFINITELY is GAY!
  • Tropic Thunder - Cruise, who is not gay, plays a disgraced actor trying to live up to the example set by his dead fanbase by making an outrageous cameo in a comedy film about a war film. Robert Downey Jr steals any remaining fans he did not take from Cruise after Iron Man came out.
  • Valkyrie - After slapping his SS Nazi friends on the back for a job well-done, gassing Grues at Sloenburg, they get strafed by a ME 262, killing said friends and leaving him one-eyed and one-handed. No longer able to slap friends on the back in a friendly and definitely non-homosexual way, he decides to try to assassinate Adolf Hitler, his old drinking buddy and fellow back-slapper. After failing at his first attempt, a ring with a poisoned needle given to Himmler, who fails to slap Hitler on the back with it, he decides just to blow him up with a bomb, also a very non-homosexual way of killing someone you love.
  • Knight and Day - In this Action/'Comedy', Tom played James Bond's to Lara Croft, who stalks an elderly Megan Fox, Played by Cameron Diaz, The film had mixed reviews some calling it a dumd action flick, others calling it an intelligent but long action flick.

In The News

Tcbc lg

Tom Cruise, who is not gay, is found to be dreamy by the ladies, and some of the men as well.

August 12, 2006. LOS ANGELES. While out for a "leisurely Sunday drive," as they called it, Tom Cruise, who is not gay, and Katie Holmes witnessed a horrible accident on a Los Angeles freeway Saturday. Thinking as quickly as they could, the couple pulled onto the shoulder and backed up for fourteen miles to reach the accident scene. Without regard for his own safety, Cruise, who is not gay, climbed into the smoldering wreckage, desperate to reach the victims and convert them to Scientology before help arrived. One of the victims, Stephen Brown, who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose wishes were not granted, said "My wife and I got out of the car, and then we heard someone talking in some kind of weird language. That's when we found Mr. Cruise in our trunk talking to our spare tire. We managed to pull him to safety, though I can't remember why." A CHP spokesman said it was not yet known which one of the Hollywood couple was driving as Holmes is not yet old enough to drive, and Cruise, who is not gay, cannot reach the pedals.

August 23, 2006. LOS ANGELES. Paramount Pictures and parent company, Viacom Inc., announced Wednesday that they were cutting ties with former golden boy, Tom Cruise, who is not gay, and his production company, Cruise/Wagner Productions. Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone explained to reporters the decision to evict Cruise, who is not gay, arose out of a simple conflict of interest. "Simply put, Viacom has a strict policy which prohibits us from doing business with complete fuck-wads... hence the conflict." Redstone cited Cruise's public behavior as the main reason for their decision, but added, "we really never liked him, anyway." Paula Wagner, Cruise's partner, told the press, "Mr. Redstone is using his personal bias against fuck-wads as an
Fistsoffury

The Kitten enema had started to melt.....

excuse to get rid of us." Reporters were unable to reach Cruise, who is not gay, for comment, but his family reports he has gone into a severe depression, popping Flintstones vitamins non-stop for two days and refusing to get out of bed.

November 2, 2006. LOS ANGELES. In what could be stupidest decision in Hollywood history, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer announced that actor/Scientologist/heterosexual Tom Cruise, who is not gay, and his long-time production partner Paula Wagner will run United Artists. Cruise, who is not gay, plans to rename the studio United Scientologists, and will make films intended to convert people to Scientology. "Being dumped by Paramount was the best thing that ever happened me", Cruise, who is not gay, said.

October 06 2009: Tom Cruise, who is not gay, is captured by the Canadian Mounties trying to flee into Canada. Upon Capture he continued to repeat the words "Kaite's dead, Katie's dead!". It's unknown what he meant by this, as his kidnapped wife Katie Holmes is confirmed alive and resting at the Cruise Mansion in Hollywood. She has however developed a disliking for anyone who eats peas and constantly gives out a strange scream whenever someone shows emotion. Cruise, who is not gay, is currently being held in Toronto. Due to his capture he has been taken off of the FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitives.

In February of 2010 Cruse, who is not gay, escaped from Guantanamo Bay along with fellow Prisoners Harold and Kumar and was last seen making his way to Florida. He made a recent appearance at the 82nd Academy Awards. He unmasked his Ex-wife "Katie Holmes" revealing she was a pod person before fleeing the devastation. Last seen heading East. It is unknown what happened to his fellow escapees.

Trivia

RED-HALO-TOM

Protectress from lord Xenu!

  • Tom Cruise, who is not gay, was run over by a Chodemobile on his first visit to the Hollywood Boulevard.
  • When Tom Cruise, who is not gay, jumps on the couch, the couch doesn't get jumped on, the couch gets raped.
  • Chuck Norris invented all the colors of the rainbow, except pink; Tom Cruise, who is not gay, invented pink.
  • Tom Cruise, who is not gay, once met with Magomed Vitargov. And scared him.
  • A Viacommunist company, Paramount once huffed Tom Cruise, who is not gay, and no one gives a shit.
  • Tom Cruise, who is not gay, is greatly anticipated to take part in the Couch-Hurdling marathon in the 2010 Olympics.
  • Never insult Tom Cruise, who is not gay, he'll explode you with his Tom Cruise Missiles.

See Also

External Links

Tomcruiseanimated This article forms part of the series on Scientology
Beliefs Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous
Concepts The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)
Practices Kitten Huffing
People L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy
Enemies You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Appliantology ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous
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