User:Smuggler/CA implements "Cash-for-Cougars" program
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
28 January 2010
edit Cash-for-Cougars rebate program targets old, worn-out women.
Modeled after the popular Cash-for-Clunkers program, which was intended to get cars with low gas mileage off the road, a federal Cougar rebate program is launching early this year. It offers a boost to men interested in having sex with younger women, sexy women, and vivacious women-those women that qualify for the federal "Sexy Starlette" designation, and to countries whose exports of hotties fell 10 percent in 2008 and another 12 percent through mid-December.
The program has only $300 million, one-tenth as much money as Cash-for-Clunkers, or about $1 per U.S. resident, so it could run out fast. States are receiving roughly the same amount per capita, with California getting the most at $35 million, but what's eligible varies by state.
edit State Offerings
For state by state information, visit the federal Cash-for-Cougars web site and click on "State Cougar Rebate Program" on the right.
California residents, for example, can get cash back on three types of Cougars; $50 for obese Cougars, $75 for unattractive Cougars, and $100 for obese unattractive yet-wiley Cougars. Wisconsin offers $200 rebates on dumb Cougars and flat-out disgusting Cougars, Indiana doling out $175 for toothless old hag chain smoking Cougars and $25 for wobbly flat chested Cougars. Arizona, Texas, & Nevada offer $100 for overweight illegal Hispanic Cougars.
Also in effect through Jan. 31st. is a federal tax credit for 30 percent of the cost up to $1,500 on therapy sessions for men who fell victim to the advances of any of the afforementioned Cougar-types when the men were in their 20's & out drinking one night. Neither documentation nor receipt will be required as proof as the word of the victims will be enough to suffice.
edit How do I know it's a deal?
Doug McIntyre & Tim Conway Jr., Vice Presidents of the Association of Men About Town, said dating hot young swimsuit models "Really is the way to go." and "Can lead to hearty savings but it's important to make sure you save enough in shopping & spa bills over time to justify paying for a new, younger woman."
"A good example is an 20-year old Filipina maid." they said. "With one of them, you could reduce your movie theatre costs & dinner costs by $145 bucks a year and save 1,000 gallons of fuel driving here, there, & everywhere just to meet chicks by simply staying home & screwing her! Not only that, you don't need to remember her birthday! Hell, how cool is THAT?!" At that rate, a typical $500 to $700 investment for a plane ticket from the Phillipines would pay for itsself in 4 years. In larger households that require more upkeep & maintenance, the payoff can come much sooner.
Expert's agree that it's probably not worth replacing women under 35 years of age just because younger one are available, unless you plan upgrade to a far more attractive model. That's because newer women are already more efficient, what with doors opening to college, voting rights, & equality in the workplace & all that crap. But switching from a nagging, pesting, needy Cougar could in itsself cut aggravation and disappointment enough to make the switch to a younger, more sportier model worthwhile.
The older the Cougar the greater the possiblity of saving money by getting a younger woman. Conway says a 60-year old Caucasian woman uses up three times the liquor & cigarettes as younger, more thin, low tolerance models, some of which only cost $40 for night out on the town. "Hell, I may even look into trading in my wife!" said Marc Germain. "Mine nags me a lot." said Newscaster Steve Gregory. Neither Mrs. Germain nor Mrs. Gregory were available for comment.
The Department of Energy estimates American men saved more than $19 billion on women last year dumping their old ones and importing new younger friskier ones.
edit When will it end?
Rebates will be available until March of 2010 or until the money's gone. Doug, Tim, Marc, & Steve expect the money to run out fast.