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|Human Islamo-fascism Virus|
Human Islamo-fascism Virus, the pathogen that infects Muslims.
Muslim is the common name for a person suffering from the disease known as Acquired Islamo-Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS or Aids), a condition spread by the Human Islamo-fascism Virus (HIV) which attacks the cognitive functions in the western hemisphere of the brain. The term is derived from the word for "submission" in Arabic, the native language in the region where the first known infection is reported to have taken place.
The disease is transmitted through direct contact of a theophanic membrane or the bloodstream with a bodily fluid containing the Human Islamo-fascism Virus. This transmission can come in the form of sexual contact, a blood transfusion, exchange between mother and child during pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding, piercing with contaminated objects, or other exposure to infected individuals.
No reliable cure exists for the disease, though regular treatment with crusades may slow the progress of an infection; administration of this medicine can be costly in countries where it is available, however, and thus access to the treatment is limited. Additionally some studies suggest that those infected with the similar disease of Judaism may be inoculated against infection. Since its emergence in the 7th century, AIDS has spread rapidly to the point where as many as a third of the world's population may consist of infected Muslims. While widespread infection has yet to penetrate some areas of the world, the disease is now considered a global pandemic.
edit Origin and Initial Spread
The Muslim patient zero or index case was an Arabic man who lived in Mecca in the late 6th and early 7th centuries, who was the husband of a local trader. The initial infection was spread within Mecca and was largely limited to friends, family and the clan of the Patient Zero. The infected individuals were exiled from Mecca, but safely settled in neighboring Medina, where the infection took root as an epidemic and spread to the larger region, mostly by swords, on which contaminated blood was able to reside and subsequently find its way beneath the skin of further individuals.
The Human Islamo-fascism Virus is thought to have originated after jumping from wild cherubim (Homo divinis angeles) to humans shortly before the time of its discovery. The mutated virus capable of infecting humans is thought to have come into existence within an incarnation of God (Homo divinis jesusus) who contracted the disease during a three-day residency in hell. The godhead likely still serves as a reservoir for the disease, and further transmission of the disease or another mutation thereof my again cross species lines through a "prophet."
Currently two species of Human Islamo-fascism Virus infect humans: HIV-1 and HIV-2. HIV-1 infects so-called "Sunni Muslims" and is the cause of the majority of HIV infections globally, while HIV-2, which causes "Shiite Muslims" is largely confined to Iran and neighboring regions. HIV-1 was the virus that was initially identified, while HIV-2 is a mutation that occurred within the cousin/son-in-law of Patient Zero. The two variants are substantially the same, though individuals with HIV-2 exhibit higher rates of flagellated back syndrome as an opportunistic infection.
edit Stages of Infection
Infected individuals exhibit symptoms corresponding to several stages of infection, which progress through time and severity. Though infected individuals can sometimes progress through these stages very quickly, most Muslims can survive indefinitely at one of the earlier stages of the disease.
edit Stage One
At the early stages of infection, the subject suffers only minimal cognitive damage and can still interact productively with the western hemisphere of his or her brain. At this level of infection the subject may suffer inability to ingest food in daylight hours during one month of the year, compulsion to give away money, and inability to lift his head far above the ground at five points in the day. The subject will also begin to orient himself toward the site of the disease's initial appearance, especially during the aforementioned five daily periods, and he may develop the desire to travel to that site.
edit Stage Two
At the second stage of infection the subject begins to suffer significant problems interacting with his western hemisphere; he may also suffer degradation of his humor processing cortex, preventing him from productively reading material on his condition. At this stage, many patients begin to exhibit external signs of infection. Men grow long beards, while women's skin becomes hyper-sensitive to male visual contact and must be covered by a large protective garment called a burqa.
edit Stage Three
By the third stage of infection, the patient is in critical condition and begins to pose a threat to those around him. Viral infection has built up pressure within the victim's body and has weakened the integrity of his skin and organs. The Muslim is thus in danger of spontaneously exploding, causing injury or death to those around him. Danger of explosion is particularly acute around tall buildings or Jews.
edit Stage Four
Stage four of the infection is the oddest and rarest of its manifestations, and it occurs only after the Muslim has exploded as part of stage three. At this point the infected male — only males reach this level of infection — will cause the hymen of any woman he penetrates to regenerate, perpetually making her a "virgin" in the what one can only assume is the most frustrating ordeal ever.
Though no definitive inoculation exists against the disease, there are several steps that can be taken to minimize infection when exposed to a Muslim.
- Prevent the Muslim from coming into contact with other individuals using a cage or leash.
- Properly dispose of hazardous items like copies of the Koran by flushing them down a toilet.
- Use a condom or other prophylactic when handling infected fluids.
- Ward your theophanic membranes using ritual hats or caps.
- To prevent deterioration of your brain's western hemisphere, say the word "freedom" constantly.
edit See Also
|Parts of this article were originally sporked from Wikipedia:HIV/AIDS.|