User:SkyFortress/Article about stuff

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The Ion (I Own Noobs) Cannon is a creation by GDI from Tiberium Wars to pawn the noobs NOD.It was used multiple time to destroy Europe completely. Now that no such war exists, it is now just orbiting around our earth waiting for someone to pull it down and begin apocalypse.

Note, the Ion cannon was used, and unsuccessfully, to kill Grue. Therefore the Ion cannon was said to be eaten by them. But who know?

edit Origins

Back when Satan started a War with God, the angels had to get as many weapons as they can to push the devils back. They created all kinds of weapons like the Nun-chucks, Gun-chucks, Ninja-chuck and even Chuck-nuns. The war went on for years and both sides were thinning in both weapons and numbers. Finally, God decided to launch his not-so-secret weapon, the Jesus Cannon.

edit Jesus Cannon

The Jesus cannon was a great cannon. It launched Jesus ions taken from Jesus Dioxide.
Jesus dioxide

By methods unknown, the angels managed to take the Jesus atom from this Jesus dioxide molecule

The Jesus atoms can be both positively and negatively charged so it is no problem in making both Positive and negative Ions. It first launched the positive Jesus Ions which make the devils feel like they should do something good and if they don't, they burn as if they are being sprayed by holy water. Than, the negative ions come, which combines with the positive Ions with such force than the Devils either Completely Disintegrate or convert into Angels from the bombardment of Jesus particle.

If that is not enough, the lingering Negative and Positive Ions will convert the blasted area into a church. This is why the Jesus cannon was Launched into Hell a lot of times as the presence of a church will annoy or even destroy the devils. Finally, the war ends.

edit Extraction

5000 years later, Indiana Jones found ancient description of this Cannon. Scientist like him and that and a someone started to research on the cannon. Finally, a prototype was built, but it asploded in the lab. All scientists survived. finally 20 years later, GDI(Global Destroying Insanities) Had an Ion cannon orbiting around earth. The problem is... it sucked.

edit Usage in the past

The Ion cannon created by Humans used Iron ions. Sadly, the power was not even .01% of the power of the Jesus cannon. The Ion cannon cannot even tip the tower of bowling balls. It was used rapidly on GDI's worst enemy, NOD, but like I said... it sucked.
Ion cannon on kane

The Human Ion cannon sucked SO much, that instead of Sh**ting his pants out, Kane embraces it.

So instead of caring, NOD decided to continue their Chocolate missile project. Not much is known but C&C players know that the chocolate missile Pwned the Ion cannon control center... hard. Due to how much it sucked, GDI abandoned the ion cannon project and went to research on Grue Taming.

5 minutes after GDI gave up on the ion cannon project; MacGyver bought the ion cannon and fixed it with a paper clip and a Nintendo game boy. Now the power is of 10% of the jesus cannon and it was now able to cook 100 donuts at a time.

edit Present

The Ion cannon is now being mass produced to create all kinds of Donuts from chocolate flavors to jelly sugar. Apparently it's ionic taste is a favorite to all politicians and celebrities. In the future, the ion cannon will be used to create more types of food like macaroni and cheeze, cheezeburger, cake, hotdogs, cheezeburger, fishes, steak, cheezeburger, potatochips, chicken and did I mention cheezeburger? But criticism ensued.

“Yo Ion Cannon, I'm really happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but Oven has one of the best Cooking Utensils of all time... OF ALL TIME!”
~ Kanye West on Cooking

edit Alternate Cannons

The ion cannon has made many competitors using the same technology to lauch.... something...

  • the Shoe cannon-made by Iran's to launch shoe's onto an enermy for a humiliating defeat... rumored to be intended to launch on George W. Bush
  • the Protein cannon- Replacing Ions with protein, Bear Grylls made this weapon to shoot areas that he claims "lack protein". He blasts it multiple time before eating it up.
  • the Excrement cannon- you don't want to know...
  • the Oscar Wilde cannon- turns everything at that place into something "Oscar Wilde" like, Apperently he blasts himself with it when he feels straight.
  • the Cannon cannon- For the places that lack artillery, an immediate reinforcement of cannons rains down. High chance of friendly fire due to random dropping of metal objects.

edit See Also

The homing pigeon is actually just a messanger pigeon armed with a bomb, not a letter. It has been used to send "the last message" to someone. In fact, swarms of homing pigeons have been said to be more lethal than a locust swarm.

edit Origins

After the witnessing of the success of the Japanese Kamikaze attempts on the American warships, plans for a smaller but as lethal weapon started to be considered. Thus the homing pigeon concept was born. Sadly, there were many problems. One, pigeons were no longer used to send messages... phones were. Two, Pigeons are used to going back to the sender. The last thing ANYONE wants is a homing pigeon armed with a bomb heading straight back for you. Third, there will never be veterans (obvious reasons).

edit Solving

In order to solve the problem, a concept was made. Mechanical homing pigeons. Sadly that means more problems. It is easier to etect and it does not look like a pigeon, making the stealth capabilities scratched out. Not only that, current technology did not allow such a thing to happen. So... the concept on a mechanical homing pigeon was scratched... until it happened...

edit The Great Worm War

As the worm war began, worms used all sorts of weapons on each other with the

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