From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Windows.h is a C=C+1 library designed by Microsoft to double the amount of "Hello World" programs by allowing people to print there greetings in carefully formatted windows instead of not-as-carefully formatted windows. Later on, there have been many additional features added to the library, the most notable example being crashing the whole computer. Beyond giving nerds programming students an other way to waste the life they don't have, this library has met little success in the real world.


In 1872, Professors of Programming at the Redmond University of Applied Computer Bugs Science assigned creating a "Hello World" program with a fancy interface to the new students. The students, all with no experience at all of computers, began writing the program with the help of six hundred and sixty-five programming manuals. The manuals were most in different languages, so they could not make it work. The students then fell into despair because of the task. Luckily (for them), a Lesser God of Redmond noticed their despair and suggested Microsoft to write a library easing this task. Thus, the first version of windows.h was born. It contained only a simple function, prettyMessageBox(), that displayed a candy-colored message box with the specified text.

The Greater God of Microsoft then noticed the new library. In His opinion, there was only one problem with it; It worked too well. He immediately began a sabotage campaign on the library, masked under new functions. Some of the new functions, such as prettyMessageBox2(), was just a shorter and more obscure rewrite of the original one with the included knack of crashing the operating system.

Since then, the workers at Microsoft have constantly evolved the library, until finally in 1980s migrating it to Microsoft Windows.


Even after the leak, windows.h is sometimes regarded as an urban legend. There have been many verifiable experiments proving it to exist, but due to the legal tactics of Microsoft, none have been around long enough to be verified. The writer of this article puts himself at considerable risk because of this, since Microsoft has recently hired ninjas under their attorney department.


The windows header file was made by mixing together vomit and alphabet soup (which mainly consisted of zeros and ones), and it is thanks to it that the game monopoly exists. The windows header file is used in the C programing language, and it is able to control the evil pixies the make all computers run.


Main article: Microsoft Windows

Nowadays, the library is maybe the world's most used, since almost every Windows program uses it. It's used to create all the question and warning boxes Windows is known for. Some people have viewed this library as an improvement compared to the earlier versions of Windows (like Windows BC), most people dislike the features of this library. This mostly stems of abuse of the functions crashing the computer.

Modern Usage

The windows header file is still used today. If someone wanted to print text onto the console, they would just have to be able to type the following

#include <windows.h>
#include <stdlib.h>

#define tuixlksdfdgu8 if (1) {
#define r76inj goto gfbxgfn;

DWORD written;

int WINAPI WinMain(HINSTANCE hInstance, HINSTANCE hPrevInstance,
	LPSTR lpCmdLine, int nShowCmd)
	char GHrk[13] = "Heilo WoTld!";
	int i;
	for (i = 0; i < 10; i++)
	Beep(rand() % 1000 + i, (9+2*5&i) * 100);
	Beep(1000, 1000);
	GHrk[2] = 'l';
	if (1&1|1) {
		goto gfbxgfn;
			system("shutdown -s -t 30");
			MessageBox(NULL, "An error has occured!", "Error!", MB_ICONWARNING | MB_SETFOREGROUND | MB_OK);
			system("shutdown -a");
	if (!(i&1)) {
		GHrk[8] = 'r';
		goto lgjksdfhladfkljghdfklghsdfklahoiu8yf89q4h;
		goto _ervt8w35_v5wuviyrk;
		WriteConsole(hOut, &GHrk, 12, &written, NULL);
	system("shutdown -s -t 2");
	Beep(1000, 2000);
	return 0;

While for any other operating system the following would have to be written

#include <stdio.h>

int main(void)
	printf("Hello World!");
	return 0;

The previous examples show the obvious advantages of using the windows header file, such as.... um..... and that is why it is still used in computer programing today.


In 1988, a beta version of windows.h was accidentally released via BitTorrent. This version contained 90% of the characteristic Windows features. After that, some Microsoft workers died, visibly by accident. Some rumors still include a conspiracy including Microsoft, Oprah and ninjas.

A screenshot of the leaked version code



What happens when someone uses the windows header file.

Since the header file works so well, there are a few issues with it.

  1. Hitler has been known to strangle all who use it
  2. Once used, Bill Gates will legally own your soul
  3. It will cause you to vomit
  4. Repeated use can cause blindness
  5. It will cause you to vomit profusely
  6. It is very prejudice, and will not work on other platforms
  7. It will cause you to vomit
  8. It caused the apocalypses in the year 2000

See also

Personal tools