“Give the peasants neither life nor death.”
Tokugawa Ieyasu (Japanese: 徳川 家康) (January
32 31, 1543 – June 1, 1616) was a Japanese warlord, who became a shogun, the country's most powerful figure. Showing great patience and persistance, Tokugawa managed to unify Japan under his bloody katana and bring stability to the country.
A fearsome samurai and a person with a hearty appetite, Tokugawa served under Oda Nobunaga and Toyotomi Hideyoshi, before being able to sit on the
Iron Throne Bamboo Throne in Tokyo. A rather smart guy, he let all the other warlords destroy each other, and when they were all dead, he, with no one to stop him, unified Japan and became the Shogun of the Land of the Rising Sun. He was posthumously enshrined at a prestigious Buddhist temple with the name Tōshō Daigongen.
He was born as Matsudaira Takechiyo, named after the protagonist of his father's (Matsudaira Hirotada) favourite anime. Takechiyo was a member of a meaner samurai family, that controlled only one sushi bar. In 1458, Oda Nobuhide (Nobunaga's father) attacked Hirotada, seeking revenge for an old fight over a chick.
During the war, little Takechiyo was captured by Nobuhide's ninjas. Nobuhide threatened to put Takechiyo to death unless Hirotada ask sorry and give him free meals in his restaurant. Hirotada however didn't give a goddamn shit about his son and refused to do so. Nobuhide was no doubt disappointed his scheme had not borne fruit, but did young Takechiyo no harm. As a child, he was considered an important soccer talent; his round shape made him the best football available. Many important European clubs wanted to sign him, but Nobuhide's reaction was a liiiittle bit exaggerated.
Hirotada and Nobuhide died the very same year. Takechiyo broke free and ran naked in the fields, happy to see his favourite samurai doll again. When he came of age he chose the name Motoyasu, inspired by his new moto. It is widely believed that his legendary gluttony was appeard during his teen years.
Under Nobunaga and Toyotomi
When Motoyasu saw what Oda Nobunaga did to his defeated enemies, he decided to ally with the Oda clan. He also became Nobunaga's in-law, as his oldest son married Nobunaga's daughter; an impressive wedding was organized and the first Japanese Harlem Shake was performed.
For the next few years Motoyasu set to reform the Matsudaira clan. He paid attention to the clan's army and kitchen, hiring high-profile generals and chefs to serve him.
In 1564, or something, Motoyasu asked a warlike group of monks to give him a hundred bags of home-made noodles. They refused to obey Motoyasu's commands and so he went to war with them, defeating their troops and pulling down their temples. In the Battle of Azukizaka, his awesome Ninjae managed to hide in the monks' hoods, beheading them before the first assault. In another battle, Motoyasu was nearly killed when he was struck in the ass by a bullet which did not penetrate his armor. Ever since, he always carried a cushion with him. After his victory, Motoyasu changed his name yet again; his new family name was Tokugawa and his given name was now Ieyasu.
Ieyasu went to a war with Takeda Shingen, a powerful lord, known for his Lemmy-like facial hair. The two armies met at the Battle of Mitak... Mikataha... Mihata... These motherfuckin' Japanese names... Miga... grrrrr Mikatagahara. The Takeda army, using Godzilla as their secret weapon hammered at Ieyasu's troops until they were broken. Ieyasu fled with just five men to a nearby castle, where he regained strength by drinking hald a dozen of sake.
The war with Takeda ended soon, when Shingen commited seppuku for failing to sexually satisfy his wife. Nonunaga, Toyotomi and Ieyasu, known as The Magic Threesome, were about to conquer the whole country. However, Nobunaga was murdered by a supposed ally, Akechi Mitsuhide. Both Toyotomi and Ieyasu rushed to punish the traitor. Toyotomi managed to kill him at the glorious Battle of Yamazaki and thus became Japan's new ruler.
Shogun: The Ultimate Pimp of Japan
Later years and death
- ↑ Our Beloved and Benevolence Leader Who was Deified for Why We don't Know
- ↑ Well, have you seen Lucy Liu's death in Kill Bill Vol. 1?
- ↑ Obviously not so important to have a specific name