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“He came dancing across the water
What a killer.”
Hernán Cortés de Monroy y Pizarro (1485 – December 2, 1547) is the most misunderstood personality in history. Credited with the conquest of Mexico and the fall of Aztec Empire, he truly was a kind explorer and only. He was an innocent guy, who... Shit! Who am I trying to fool? Cortes was a moth'cker conquistador, obviously burning in Hell, due to his sins. Whatever you read about this bloodthirsty Spaniard in that article is absolutely true.
edit Early years
Hernan Cortes was the son of a minor military officer, who had fought bravely during the Great Time Travel War of 1871. His mother was the best cook around Spain, best known for her delicious paella. Through his mother, Cortes was a second cousin to another bastard explorer, Francisco Pizarro.
Young Hernan was a bully and was frequently expelled from his school. In order to get rid of him, his parents sent him to study at the University of Salamanca, Spain's great center of learning and salami production. After two years, Cortés, tired of schooling, returned home, much to the irritation of his parents and the local children, who had hoped never to see him again. At this point in his life, Cortés was described by his contemporaries as restless, haughty and mischievous. By this time, news of the exciting discoveries of Christopher Columbus in the New World was streaming back to Spain.
Plans were made for Cortés to sail to the Americas with a family acquaintance and distant relative, but an injury he sustained while hurriedly escaping from the bedroom of a married woman prevented him from making the journey. Instead, he spent the next year wandering the country, probably spending most of his time in the heady atmosphere of Tenner Reefy and Ibiza. He finally left for Hispaniola in 1504 where he became a respected pimp.
edit In New World
Upon his arrival, Hernan got his gun and fought with other conquistadors in Cuba. He killed dozens of "those filthy swines" and as a result he was rewarded with a large estate of land, several native slaves and a a dozen of fine Cuban cigars.