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Heinz Wilhelm Guderian (17 June 1888 – 14 May 1954) was a decorated German general during the greatest hoax in history, World War II, and a renowned military writer. Known as Willy to Adolf Hitler and the rest of his merry fellowship and as Gudy to the Allies, he is regarded as the "father" of armoured war and Blitzkrieg. He was not charged with any war crimes during the Nuremberg Trials, as his actions and behaviour were nice thought to be consistent with those of a professional soldier.
An excellent strategist, Guderian won almost every battle during his stormy life and was respectable among both his friends and foes. What is more, he was a well-known Chick Magnet and the most humorous officer in the Third Reich. He was nicknamed "Der Schnelle Heinz", German for "Fast Heinz".
Biography and carrer
Guderian was born in Kulm, West Prussia, a town which today belongs to Poland. His father was Friedrich Guderian, a junior officer of the army, while his mother was Irtha Ottilie, a mysterious woman, whom nobody knows about. From an early age, Heinz showed his interest in military, by playing many hours with his tin soldiers. He also used to paint panzers, rather than green trees, a smiling sun or the Guderian family -
silly stuff normal children draw. As a teen, Guderian turned out to be one of the most popular students in school and a new Don Juan. His parties were legendary and he frequently dated two chicks at the same time.
He didn't gave up his dream of becoming a military officer though. He attended various military schools and the Pfadfinder (aka Boy Scouts). In 1907 he entered the Army in a batallion, commanded at that point by his daddy. After attending the war academy in Metz he was made a Lieutenant in 1908. In 1911 Guderian joined the Prussian Corps, as the new mascot.
In 1913, Heinz married Margarete Georgen, the only girl that didn't succumbed to his charm immediately. With Margarete, he had two sons, Heinz Günter and Kurt. Both became highly decorated Wehrmacht officers during World War II.
During World War I Guderian served as a junior officer, responsible for the entertainment of the soldiers. However, his jokes were not approved by his superiors and was transferred to the army intelligence department, where his humor was better acknowledged. On the same time, while removed from the battlefield, he sharpened his strategic skills. He was promoted to major after the war, due to a splendid stand-up comedy show in Berlin.
Guderian took more and more promotions, as his show was very popular. During the Interwar period, he discovered his writing talent; he released three selections of old German jokes, as well as a love story about two lesbian chicks. He also translated a comedy book, written by the then-obscure Charles DeGaulle. What is more, he studied all-time classics, like Sun-Tzu's writings.
Quotes by Gudy
“What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizzas don't scream when they are put in the oven!”
“Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas!”
“Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Because we (i.e. the Germans) like to march in the shade.”
“Boot'em, don't spatter'em!”
“If the tanks succeed, then victory follows and we're all going for some beer!”
“It is sometimes tougher to fight my superiors than the French.”
- ↑ Despite that silly -ian suffix, he was not an Armenian
- ↑ Excluding those with his wife
- ↑ Refering to his strategic views, not his sexual performances
- ↑ Nepotism you say?