User:Simsilikesims/Worst 100 Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
0) I am not allowed to spike the punch with Polyjuice Potion to "freak out Harry Potter"
1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.
6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.
7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."
9) I am not allowed to joke about Lupin's "time of the month."
10) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
12) I am not to refer to the Summoning charm as "The Force."
13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."
14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.
22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."
25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell.
26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAMF" every time I Apparate.
27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bees."
29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
30) I will not go to class skyclad.
31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."
32) If a classmate falls asleep, I will not draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
34) I will not start every Potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.
35) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends."
36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."
37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
39) I will not lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a broom closet to see if hot gay sex ensues.
41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck.
42) I do not have a Velociraptor Patronus.
43) I will not lick Trevor.
44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."
45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.
47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.
50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
51) I will not look in the restricted section of the library for porn.
52) I will not go to the Slytherin common room, chain the doors together, pull out 2 pistols, and shoot the students.
53) I am not a sloth Animagus.
54) I will not put on an Australian accent during Care of Magical creatures class.
55) Selling fake flying brooms on the black market will bit me in the back-side.
56) I will not tell the 1st years to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
57) I will not invite a Death Eater to Hogwarts on Career Choice Day.
58) My life motto may not be "what happens in Hogwarts, stays in Hogwarts".
59) Just because there are three "Unforgivable Curses", it does not mean that any other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
60) Hogsmeade is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy".
61) I am not allowed out of my house dorm when anyone from the Ministry of Magic visits Hogwarts.
62) I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
63) I will not refer to Dumbledore as "Gandalf the Gay".
64) I will not meow or hiss at Professor McGonagall.
65) "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
67) I will not tell first years that Trelawney always has made accurate predictions.
68) I won't melt when exposed to water.
69) My name is not "The Dark Lord Happypants" and I am not allowed to label my test papers as such.
70) I will not tell first years that there is candy in Hagrid's beard.
71) I will not wear an invisibility cloak and lurk around in the showering area of the opposite sex.
72) I am not allowed to convince first years that invisible creatures will eat their brains if they don't wear their underpants over their regular pants.
73) I will not wrap up Quidditch commentary with "Remember, save a broomstick; ride a wizard!".
74) There is not, and never has been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. I am not a member of that house, nor its founder.
75) I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
76) I will not tell around what I think would happen if Snape and McGonagall were locked together in a small room.
77) I will not glue myself to Professor Snape to see if he really sleeps upside down
78) I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
79) I will not spit in a cauldron and claim it's a potion that makes you pretty.
80) I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.
81) I will not tell first years to go into the Forbidden Forest and call Centaurs "Filthy Half-Breeds".
82) I will not tell first years to go into the Forbidden Forest and walk up to a bunch of giant spiders.
83) While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
84) The correct way to report to a teacher's office is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" not "I have it on good authority you have no evidence".
85) When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.Especially if I can't.
86) I will not tell first years to arm wrestle with Hagrid
87) I will not refer to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder".
88) There is no "bring a Muggle to school day".
89) I will not invite a Death Eater to Hogwarts on Career Choice Day.
90) There is no such thing as an "Invisibility Thong".
91) I will not use the phrase "like a cow in the springtime" in any of my essays.
92) I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes Professor.
93) I may not tell people that if they anger me I will eat their first born child.
94) "42" is not the answer to every O.W.L or N.E.W.T exam paper.
95) Neither is "Yo Mamma".
96) It is not my 'duty' to inform the staff of the large bag of weed under Goyle's bed.
97) I will not make jokes about the Beaters' balls. Especially that they hit people in the face with them.
98) I am not allowed to scream "Rape! Rape!" in a public place every time Professor Snape walks by.
99) I will not edit this list to suit my own ends.
100) But yes, I will do it all anyway.