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“SHM? I don't have SHM! Stop asking me stupid questions! Leave me alone! Go away before I kill you with this chainsaw that has Hello Kitty on it!”
SHM, or Spontaneous Homicidal Maniacism, is a mental disorder commonly found in serial killers, suspected al-Qaeda members, homicidal maniacs, grues, your mom, video game mascots, God of War addicts and Siamese cats. Approximately 35% of the world population is diagnosed with this condition every few days, and this number is steadily increasing, thanks in part to the UN and governments the world over not giving a shit.
edit What is SHM?
SHM is a mental disorder which affects more than 67% of the global population. MRI scans of SHM-positive people reveal that it is a swastika-shaped growth on the side of the brain. It is unclear what causes it, although doctors believe it is caused by a deficiency in the "Intelligence" genome. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT caused by n00bitis. It is a hereditary disease, though some surgeons believe is is also a STD. SHM is easy to identify, since people with SHM often:
- Are deranged/homicidal.
- Have killed many people (directly/indirectly).
- Are in a video game.
- Enjoy wearing cybernetically-enhanced cybersuits.
- Wear masks.
- Wield construction tools as weapons.
- Are Nazis.
- Are Hello Kitty fans.
edit Stage 1: Stupidity
The very beginning of SHM, the symptoms appear when a person is diagnosed with SHM. At this stage, SHM degrades the ethical, moral, debate, taste, diet, frugality, cleanliness, and reason centers of the brain. Symptoms include:
- Loss of judgement.
- Loss of interest.
- Increased body weight.
- Short(er) attention span.
- Increase in B.O.
edit Stage 2: @%^#%@&%$#!!!
The second stage of SHM begins when the victim loses all judgement, ethicality, and intelligence. At that point, SHM overhauls the brain's crazy killer wacko and bat fuck insane centers, making them the dominant areas of the brain. Here, the victim experiences:
- Anger spasms.
- An addiction to all things Nazi.
- An increased interest in swords, pitchforks, and sharp pointy things.
- Urges to rapidly and violently kill as many rabbits as possible with the sharp pointy things mentioned above.
- Urges to rapidly and violently kill people who get urges to rapidly and violently kill as many rabbits as possible.
- Urges to rapidly and violently kill people who get urges to rapidly and violently kill people who get urges to rapidly and violently kill as many rabbits as possible.
- The desire to kill people who recycle the same joke over and over again.
edit Stage 3: Spolardism
After destroying the rabbit population in his area, the SHM victim moves on to the next stage of the disease. At this point, the victim either:
- Goes on a crazy killing spree and gets shot by the police.
- Blows himself up.
- Accidentally blows himself up.
- Tries to blow himself up but gets eaten by a grue.
- Goes to war and gets shot/blown up.
- Gets eaten by a grue while being shot by the police.
- Calms down and appears to have returned to normal.
If any of the first 6 things occur, then the victim is now either eaten, shot to death, or in tiny pieces. However, on rare occasions that the last thing happens, the disease then enters Stage 4 of its life.
edit Stage 4: Homicidalism
At this point, the disease starts to regress, making the victim appear back to normal. The victim regains intellect, if not becoming smarter than before, this helps as they become a nigh indestructible juggernaut of death, unless some one is classified as friendly and immune to attacks or necessary to the plot. What is happening is that the growth gradually starts regressing the brain, excluding the crazy killer wacko and bat fuck insane on the brink of death allow the undamaged (crazy killer wacko and bat fuck insane) to rebuild it ( e.g. Hitler being the crazy killer wacko and bat fuck insane section of the brain and WWI being the growth ) . After about 2 weeks of the regression, the victim suddenly and inexplicably experiences:
- A massive desire to kill any and all living things.
- The desire( or lack of ) to speak, unless necessary to the plot.
- Become a nigh indestructible juggernaut of death.
- Injecting unknown substances if promised godly powers.
- An overpowering urge to wear a cybersuit/become a cyborg.
- Running, balls in, in to combat with disregard for a plan and/or reason.
- An urge to spend all his money, bonds, investments, stock money, life savings, spare change, and nickels found under the cushions of the couch on weapons.
- Breaking everything in a room just because it will break.
After the victim experiences these things, he usually is designated as a biological weapon, drafted into the army as a supersoldier, becomes a pop culture icon (particularly in Japan), and/or becomes the (anti)hero of a videogame (usually an M-rated one). Stage 4 SHM is incredibly rare (which might be a good thing), as only 5 in about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 people have that severe a case of SHM. However, Stage 4 SHM victims have often changed the course of history. Some famous ones (along with what they did) are listed below.
edit Cure(s)grue. Several other remedies
- Getting chainsawed by a chainsaw.
- Going to war.
- Getting roundhouse-kicked by Chuck Norris.
- Getting crowbar'd by Gordon Freeman.
- Getting shot with a shotgun a 1 meter.
- Getting sniped by a n00b.
Note: It is said that the tears of Chuck Norris can cure SHM as well as cancer, but he has never cried.
Perform one of the remedies from the Cure(s) section BEFORE the person in question is diagnosed with SHM. (This is the only clinically-approved option).
edit Famous Incidents
Throughout history, SHM has been responsible for many famous events. Some incidents (in chronological order) are:
- 000,000,000,000,000 B.U. (Before Universe):
God contracts SHM and, in a fit of homicidal rage, creates the Universe. This was considered a good move on God's part, and it won him the Heavenly Election of '00.
- From 1000 B.C. to 300 A.D.(specific date unknown):
Kratos contracts SHM (known as God of War illness in Greece) and starts to slaughter innocent minotaurs, cyclopes, and harpies. Along the way, he brutally massacres Hydra of Prosperity and the Guardian to Pandora's Box (known as "Cuddles"). Finally, he kills Ares, God of Happiness, before Zeus gets pissed and makes him jump off a cliff.
- 1095-1291 A.D.:
In a last-ditch effort to cure Europe of its homicidal maniacs, Pope Urban II calls the Crusades against the Muslims, causing (failed) invasions of SHM-positive knights and peasants into the Holy Land. To this day, it remains the most effective elimination of SHM-positive people ever.
- 1939-1945 A.D.:
In a mutual agreement between Russia, Germany, Britain, France, Poland, the U.S., and Japan to rid each other of their deranged, SHM-positive population, the largest mock war in history is held, more commonly known as the critically-acclaimed World War II.
- 1985 A.D.:
- 200X A.D.:
Gordon Freeman contracts SHM, opens the portal to Xen, and, mistaking them for bunnies, proceeds to kill all the headcrabs in sight. As he goes on his headcrab-killing rampage, Black Mesa is evacuated, and the military is called in with orders to stop Freeman's homicidal rampage, to kill all the scientists and guards helping Freeman, and to save as many headcrabs as possible. Eventually, the Spec. Ops arrive, and a nuke is planted inside Black Mesa to stop Freeman once and for all. However, right before detonation, Freeman is saved by a mysterious G-Man and teleported to an unknown destination. After the mindless destruction of the entire headcrab population during what will be known in history as "The Black Mesa Incident", many ecologists mourned the loss of this fascinating species.
- 2009-2014 A.D.:
Inspired by the legacy of Adolf Hitler, Hello Kitty attempts to dominate the world from his/her/its HQ in NotVeryHappyLand with an army of cyborg Kitty clones. Faced with this terrible threat, the world bands together in an effort to stop Kitty. In the tense Battle of New NotVeryHappyTown, the Allied offensive managed to break into the city and arrest Kitty, who was posing in a weapons shop window as a Hello Kitty doll. The war was later erased from history as film critics simply didn't find it as thrilling as World War II.
- 2015-2019 A.D.:
Bill Gates, after being diagnosed with SHM, sets out to conquer the world with his new Windows format: the Windows NaZi. He succeeds in uniting the world with his invention, but dies in 2019 when a rabid Blue Screen of Death ambushes him while he is taking a crap in the Eiffel Tower.
- 202X A.D.:
Gordon Freeman returns and joins the rebellion against the peace-loving, all-tolerating Combine, killing many in a homicidal rampage, aided by Alyx Vance. He also kills many headcrabs on the way (which were brought back by the Combine), putting the species on the "Endangered" list.
- 2552 A.D.:
Master Chief kills thousands of defenseless Grunts while under the influence of SHM in what would go down in history as "The Halo Massacre".
- 234,654,833,653,853,543,453 L.T.A.I.T.F. (Long Time Ahead In The Future):
edit Famous People with SHM
Famous people who have been diagnosed with SHM include:
- Master Chief (Stage 4)
- Gordon Freeman (Stage 4)
- God (Stage 4)
- Chuck Norris (Stage 4)
- A grue
- Hello Kitty (Stage 4)
- Adolf Hitler (Stage 4)
- Anyone from God of War
edit SHM Today
Today, many world leaders and governments are becoming increasingly aware of the problems of SHM (though not by much). Many world health organizations, such as the Red Cross, are currently helping the billions of people around the world cope and cure the disease, though that's really not saying much, considering that most (if not all) of the members in these organizations have SHM, and that "curing" people is just an excuse to chainsaw them into 9 separate pieces or to watch them be eaten by a grue.
edit What YOU Can Do To Help
If you are concerned over the widespread effect of SHM and wish to help, here are some ways to help:
- Help out as a volunteer at your local Red Cross chapter.
- Buy a chainsaw yourself and start killing everyone you see with it.
- Catch a grue (not recommended) and let it cure everyone in your neighborhood (Note that it is almost impossible to catch a grue and that you will probably be eaten, too.).
- Start a war.
- Get SHM. Then you won't have to worry about SHM (because your brain would be degenerating).
- Do nothing.
Note that out of all the options, the only globally approved methods are the first, second and last ones.