User:Simsilikesims/List of melee weapons that don't exist, but should
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Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords
Nuclear missiles are really dangerous. And swords are really cool. COMBINE THEM, DUMBASS!!! Nuclear missiles shoot debris for miles, but it's all like paper and bricks and crap. Imagine your enemy has dropped a nuclear missile on you, and you are one of the few lucky ones. You got just out of range before it hits the ground. You get out to see the destruction and KER-SPLUTCH! 50 swords fly at your face! Oh dear, you have died, albeit not from dysentry.
If there is anything cooler than dying from dysentry, it is clearly from being subjected to upwards of 30 swords being shot at one's face.
Cruise Missile Sword
A swordtipped cruise missile, intended for ranged swordfights. (Range ~300 miles.) Actual development was attempted but cancelled in the planning stages in favour of the more promising cruise missile mace. There are also rumors that Tom Cruise has launched a lawsuit over naming rights.
Gigantic uber pwnage sword made of Satan poo
if you think this is a scam then you are wrong it is awesomely awesome and well the name says it all really.
The accuracy and precision of modern technology combined with the kick-ass awesomeness of the sword. And it uses CamelCase, too! How could you go wrong with one of these?
A dynamite with a knife on its end,detonates only when stabbed into a person Destroys everything in a 500 mile blast radius (must be used only when youre about to lose)
This is a real weapon used by ninjas and stuff, so it shouldn't be here. But it needs to be here for the next weapon to make any sense.
This would actually be a good sword, being useful as well as badass. It would have three sword blades protruding to form the corners of an invisible triangle, and a circle around the hilt. You could... I don't know, spin it around really fast or something. What the hell would you do if you had a 3-bladed sword? More to the point, what wouldn't you do? (Just don't use it like a normal sword. You'll rip out your liver that way.)
Heavier than the 3-sided sword, more geometrically square, and pointier. Same thing.
Heavier than the 3-or 4-sided swords, and it looks like a shiny star. Pointy. Warning: Do not throw like a ninja star because it won't go far, and you lost a really cool looking weapon which your enemy will just as likely throw back.
Hexuple sided Sword
It looks like the E-trade symbol. And an asterisk*. And a Star of David, or the Five Fingered Hand of Eris
*Something you use to make annoying / pointless footnotes.
This sword haswwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too many blades. They also make it really not that sharp, as there are so many points that it is pretty much distributed evenly among three or four points rather than one point, whereas a stab with one point would actually pierce something. Which makes it pointless. But it sounds cool, especially with that special thingy they use in those freaky things like DuPont and McDonalds, two capitals in one name.
This sword is so populated with swords that it is impossible to lift or hold. Although can be rolled down a steep hill towards enemies for effective use. It is simply a giant ball of steel. It is completely pointless, yet paradoxically very sharp. Used heavily, yet unsuccessfully, in the Giant Lobster Revolution.
A sword you can't hold or touch because every single inch on it is sharp. You have to either be Xena or trick your enemy into touching it and where ever he touches it he will immediately be sliced open. You can trick your enemy into touching it using a complex series of questions involving donuts and their similarities towards the Circular Sword. However, if you plan to sharpen it, you would be better off getting your mailman to hold it for you :). Some angels are known to use them as halos. Use the gravity gun.
Note:Jib Once Killed 98 people with this.
Note: This weapon does sort of exist in Soul Calibur III, wielded by Tira.
Note: Colette has 500 of these in Tales of Symphonia.
Note: Just wear gloves.
Note: If you shrunk this and could throw it, it would be kind of like a chakram.
Note: Expect everyone to call you Xena: Warrior Princess. Untill you remove their head with it.
Note: Oddjob has one in his hat. Note: If you could somehow add a handle to this thing, you could use it to cut giant pizzas. Note: this exists and is worn and thrown by indians Note: if you put a hat in the middle you could be like Kung Lao Note: THIS ALREADY EXISTS! Rajput Warriors of Ancient India used them
Same as above, but infinite.
Actually, an infinite-sided sword is just an iron pipe. Never underestimate the iron pipe. It could also be interpreted as a spherical instead of donut-shaped circular sword, but that's just stupid, as there would be no way to transport it because anything you put it in is instantly sliced to bits. May also be used as a food processor.
Wieldable Circular Sword
It's like the circular sword but it can actually be used. It has a handle in the middle with a button to make it spin so it can slice things like a razor. Kind of like that weapon Xena throws around, but infinitely cooler.
Note: it's called a chakram.
The ultimate weapon against kitten huffers.
Sword with a Sword in it
Well, the sword is the best weapon ever! What other weapon could possibly improve upon a sword? Just think about it for a minute. Another sword would be the only conceivable improvement, obviously, given
- ∀ w ∈ W such that w != sword, awesomeness(sword) > awesomeness(w)
Note: There is a dagger with two other daggers in it somewhere out there, as well as swords with other swords or daggers in the other end and such, but without this part the joke would sort of fall apart, so shut up.
Does it need an decription? it's the deadly the end
Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it
It is already established that the sword is the most awesome weapon ever devised. It is also established as fact that another sword lodged inside a regular sword would be the only conceivable improvement on a sword. Thus, following logic, we have the conclusion that a sword's awesomeness could only ever be improved upon by continual addition of swords (or sides).
Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it
or Sword with a Sword in it5
This one is really already explained in the above statement, just more awesome. Also, this one is not as well made as usual. The methods for securing the swords together vary. The cheap alternative is just to tie them together but everyone knows that that's stupid, and looks really stupid.
So does going into battle with some absurd amalgamy of five swords stuck together.
Now go huff kittens or something.
Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a gun
or Sword with a Sword in it13
Quite possibly the most awesome weapon ever known to man. Only used one time in all of history, and that's by Lord Eliwood of Pherae against the Lunch Moms in the Great A-la-Carte Line Revolution of '74.
- Drawbacks include the hundreds of hours required to sharpen all swords to a razor's edge.
100% Awesomide Chlorate 50% Sharpite 20% Pointium 10% Utter Chaos 5% Boredom 2% Urmomium 2.5% AAAAAAAAA! 0.5% Spandex
Sword That Shoots an Infinite Regression of Swords
A sword that shoots a sword. that sword shoots another sword when it spikes someone, and so-on down the line. Eventually, it fires a stream of steel molecules, similar to itty-bitty way-too-many-sided swords. these in turn re-form into another infinite regression sword, which immediately fires another sword...
The Sword2 is a sword squared. It is a very awesome, yet odd-looking, weapon that is really rather sweet to behold. It was invented by Flameviper when studying perfect square trinomials for Algebra. It follows the algebraic equation as follows, with the following substitutions:
is substituted for Sword, is substituted for Pointy, is substituted for Sharp, and is substituted for Awesome.
Thus, for simplification, we can substitute for .
(in descending order of polynomial terms, no less!)
This, , converted to words, is , which beats the living crap out of . There, now you have it! Muhahaha!!
Also known as a sword, to the power of sword cubed.
This amazing weapon has a sword emanating from every previous sword, thus making it infinite. Being cubed, it extends in every direction. Therefore, it kills EVERYTHING! (Sadly, an unfortunate side-effect is that it kills the wielder also.)
[Lord Eliwood of Pherae has one of these but it's impossible to take a photo of it because of its epic pwnage]
A sword that extends towards the fourth dimension, thus allowing the wielder to kill multiple enemies even when they're on opposite sides of the universe. Special blunt versions must be used for training purposes, as an unskilled wielder may unintentionally kill someone located in a galaxy far, far away.
Like When The Tibble Twins, The Three Eds, & Jib Used Against Doomsday Jib, They Flip it out and use it like a Gun. They Almost got The killer Bunny, but they ran out of ammo, then, they ran away, With NEDM Playing In The Background.How To Use: You Bend the top from the bottom, And then you squeeze the top like a gun trigger. Note: Not Useful For Russian Roulette, But Use It Like A gun. If you don't Hold It Up, The Pad Is Going To Be In The Way, And That's No Good. There's also the AK-47 Kind, And The Phazor Kind
Phazor:A Massive Deathwish.can be automatic, or sniper style, but sniper is the most powerful form.It once killed anti-Jib Instantly with one shot. AK-47:Similar to the original AK-47,but kills zombies faster.
An obvious extension of the awesomeness of the sword and the similar awesomeness of the lightsaber. The combination of these two weapons is simple. Advancements in 'saber technology allows for the beam emission hardware to be contained within the hilt of a sword. An igniter on the hilt allows the wielder to instantly encase the blade of the weapon in energy in the heat of combat, thus combining both ultimate forms of ass-kickery from both primitive and futuristic weaponry in one impressive tool, serving as a totally awesome special effect and doing a fine job of detracting attention from the terrible acting of Hayden Christensen.
The effects of this weapon vary. When in "Lightsaber Mode", one has the ability to cleanly cut through nearly any material with reletive ease. However, the sword's blade is only so sharp, and can be combined with the activation of the 'saber blade to produce some interesting results. Caution must be taken when duelling with another lightsaber or Light Sword user, such that one does not convert back to "Sword Mode" while the opponent is using a lightsaber, else the blade will simply be cut off. On the other side of this, however, one can severely startle their opponent and break a drawn-out stalemate. Picture it: you're in a fair swordfight that you're falling to the losing end of, when before your opponent knows it you hit a button and SIZZLE, their weapon lies in pieces on the floor along with their severed hand.
Also available in two single-handed and dual-ended formats.
Electric Eel Wrapped Sea Urchin Tipped RPG Sword
This sword is EXTREMELY deadly, especially to plant and fire types. It is however very ineffective against earth types. Beware! Using this sword may cause 3rd degree burns, severe electric shock, formation of mold, poisonous stab wounds, and pruned fingers.
Laser Guided Knife
One of the biggest complaints about knives these days is how inaccurate the knife is. Superman recognized this problem and spent inordinate amounts of time (lots and lots and lots) thinking of a way to resolve this problem. After infinite days and several brawls with the hulk (7 and 2) the idea to apply his super accurate laser vision to the sharp pointiness of knives. And so the Laser guided knife was born. The Laser Guided Knife has just as many uses as a normal knife, plus you can shine it on the screen at movie theaters to annoy people just before you kill them.
Knife with a Scope
Like a laser guided knife, but reduces the inaccuracy even more due to the fact it has ZOOM!, that's right, ZOOM!! You now have a OVER 9000%!! increase chance of hitting them.
Knife with a Bayonett
A Knife with a Bayonett is more effective than a simple knife as it allows the weilder to knife his opponent twice. it is also vastly superior to the knife as the bayonett can be removed and replaced to improve the acurracy of the knife. Hehe, your opponent is fucked.
Knife with a Chainsaw Bayonet
Like the bayonet, the chainsaw bayonet is an upgraded version of the bayoneted knife in that your enemies are ripped to pieces rather than being stabbed. It is a favorite weapon for Chuck Norris for it's killing ability. Double-f**ked.
There is no way any weapon can deliver the damage as Chuck Norris but the Norrisword will put you on the top 10 of Chuck's daily hitlist. It will only give you a papercut but he smells it anywhere. The sword does not give a scent that only Chuck Norris could identify, that would be ridiculous. The fear knowing that you have been hit by the Norrisword and will be killed by Chuck Norris soon emits the smell of sweat and fear, the two things Norris can track down the best (next to beer of course). Running or hiding only stimulates his bloodlust. The actual trick is killing you before you can commit suicide. Note: Does not work on Sunday as he is busy killing people at the exact moment they make Chuck Norris jokes or proving Chuck Norris facts. Opponent=Fucked.
It's like a lightsaber, but with a spork. Thus, it is much deadlier. And can cut and cook food with its heat. Thus, it has 5 uses. Fork, spoon, deadly weapon, food-cutter, and also stove. Not many things you have can do that, eh?
Note: Please take care not to extend the blade while the lightspork is in your mouth. Nobody wants to be the one who has to clean that up.
Jib Also Mulches Up retards with this.
Besides being a killer weapon for assassins (and psychotic chefs), you can also eat food four times as fast! (But beware of cut lips, skull injuries, and choking big time. Be sure to have a surgeon ready.)
It's a sword with a giant spork at the end. Or is it a giant spork with a sword on the end? It also shoots bullets.
Some people consider the proper spelling of this weapon's name as "Sporkord", but that is "Drokrops" backwards, and drocking rops is not only lame, but already in existence.
Known by many to be wielded by Czars across the world. The nuke sword is a formidable weapon. Even though many czars have the weapon, only one has ever dared used it, to smite Japan. Sure the "Historians" might tell you that it was America using the so-called "Atomic Bomb", but tell me, what proof is there that this weapon even exists(besides the obvious crater and the picture took of the bomb?) It had to be a Czar with a Nuke Sword.
miniature pwnage thing
the MPT is a tiny device no smaller than Bill Gate's brain that on touch pwns you, many consider it to be a legend but it is real.
A dragon longsword is quite literally a dragon with a handle which can be wielded only by someone with enough balls to risk pissing off an angry wyrm. Thus, you yourself must be awesome to even dare such a feat. And of course large enough to wield such a mighty weapon.
Book of Swords
A normal book but with hundreds of swords stored inside. The book when thrown at someone would be guaranteed to give multiple paper cuts and/or instant decapitation. To fit every sword ever made inside, the book would be a billion stories high and weigh ten trillion pounds. Smaller books could be made for single army use and only contain 5% of all swords ever made. A one-page version would be ideal for individual use being light enough to fit in a backpack and small enough to take as carry on luggage on a plane. Some swords are too dangerous for daily use and would be removed upon request. These include:
- Pen Sword (mightier than self paradox)
- Nuclear Missile Filled With Swords
- Meaning of Life Sword
- Gunblade Shooting Nuclear Missile Filled With Swords
- Sword of Infinite Sexiness
- Ham Blade of Doom
- Nuke Katana
- Hydrogen Sword
- Ultima Weapon
- Concrete Donkey Sword
- Swords That Include Cows
- First Tsurugi
- Super Explosive Sword
- Sword of Major 'Whoa, My Hands Are Huge!!'
- Sword-Eating Sword
- Sword With Vegeta As The Blade
- Sword of 3 Wishes with Unintended Consequences That Become Valuable Learning Experiences
- A Sword So Heavy Even God Couldn't Lift It
- America (The Sword)
Infinitely Sharp Sword
Also known as the PointyPointyPointySharp Sword or Log(pointy) Sword.
A sword sharpened by someone for many years. This sword is so sharp that it cuts the air around it. Just put an oxygen tank on and enter a small building and suffocate your enemies.
If it wasn't for the hilt, when you dropped this sword it would cut clean through the earth and come out the other side, where gravity would reverse and it would fall back and stab you in the unmentionables. This sword is not to be mistaken with the "More Infinitely sharpened sword" which cuts atoms. You know what happens when you split an atom right? This property makes it similar to the "Nuke Sword" only less obvious to customs. It is also not to be confused with the "Infantly Sharpened Sword" which was indeed made by babies.
While the process of sharpening swords to infinity may seem like a good idea, there is one bad thing about it. It's booooooring!!!!! Lazy mathematical smiths, however, found a way to make this weapon of mass destruction much faster. Here are the steps:
- You take any average sharpened sword
- You make a sword which is not sharp at all. Seriously, if it even has a remote view of being sharp, you have to start over again
- Now, the fun part: You divide the average sword by the not sharp sword. You all know what do you get if you divide a number by zero? Infinity! Well, now you replace numbers by swords, and you divide a sword with sharpness = x by a sword with zero sharpness = 0, you will get a infinitely sharp sword! Just please, don't do it at home!
The Ancient Bone Saber of Zuma-Kalis
A mighty weapon, known to be the only tool in existence that can even hope to slay the Universal Remonster. While this is the only tool capable of killing the Remonster by using it to stab him in the heart, he can also technically be killed by stabbing him in the head or lungs, too, just stab him where ever really. Actually, you could probably poke him with a pillow and kill him...
A sword with the uncanny ability to know precisely what your opponent is thinking, moments before cleaving them in two. Unfortunately, being a sword, it has no means of conveying this knowledge to the wielder, so it's pretty much just a sword... Wait, did I mention it can crush minds?
Seven Sided Falchion
used by the cult of inglip, very affective against lions
Several thousand years ago, a small band of ninjas, proficient with standard Nunchucks, grew weary of this fairly 2-dimensional weapon, and decided to combine 2 nunchuck pairs to create the fabled quadchuck (which succeeded in being a more 4D weapon... as the name would probably suggest). Basically the quadchuck is infact 4 nunchuck ends, linked with chains to a centre-point. This is an extremely difficult weapon to use, and is favoured more by monkeys and other simeans who can use their feet to grab the other 2 ends. But a few humans are actually able to harness it's awesome power, although no-one exactly knows who, because as soon as you see a person using them, you become instantly dead... which isn't good. Another small note; after many scientific tests, ninja-scientists determined that quadchucks are actually 7 times more awesome than normal nunchucks. That's right, 7, not 2 or 4 like you might think.
Very evil and gruesome weapon. The Bananachuck are two bananas attached by a chain at the top. Once hit the nunchucks will most probably break but they are cheap so we do not care. But the reason these are dangerous is because as soon as the opponent is hit a hoard of rabid monkeys from New York will attack him and most likely kill him in the process. This weapon is rated PG-13 by the movie association of America.
Also can be one banana successfully split in half using the banana and swinged around.
(See Dr. Mcninja.com)
Two chainsaws connected by a chain. This is perhaps one of the most powerful chuck-weapons in existance, and can thus only be wielded by an Überninja. Or possibly Chuck Norris.
That's right, sometime during 2003 everyone's favourite BOW and Resident Evil character was developed into a deadly, and fairly kickass, nunchuck. To cut a long story short, the nemesis was shrank, cloned, solidified using PVA glue, and then the original and the clone were chained together to form this orgasmically bad-looking monstrosity of sweetness. Not much is really known about this weapon as only one exists, but what little is known is kept in a secret vault somewhere. Not much is known about this vault, but what little is known is kept in another vault somewhere else...
Please note that nemesis is the only creature powerful enough to wield this crazy shit, so don't even try... don't go there... seriously don't...
Imagine getting hit in the face with a small, furry rodent with razor sharp claws, large sharp teeth, and a mean temper. Good, now imaging getting hit in the face with a small, furry rodent with razor sharp claws, large sharp teeth, and a mean temper repeatedly until your death. Case closed.
Paticually effective if wielded by the fighter, but ineffective in nearly anybody else's hands due to there being nowhere to actually grip it that doesn't result in your hand chopped off.
Two Sephiroths attached to create the most kickass weapon in the world.
Similar to the Sephiroth-chuck but with two Kujas attached. Also know to change one's gender upon touching it.
vicous combination of lightsaber, chainsaw, gunblade and nunchuck. favoured by Joseph Stalin for eating the Proletariate.
Nunchucks Photo Gallery
Like Brass Knuckles, but nuclear. Punching someone creates an 1 megaton explosion that will annihilate your opponent, you, and the ground you are standing on.
Semi-Melee Weapons (Gun-Melee Hybrids)
Itty Bitty Kitty Bazooka
This weapon is simple a bazooka that shoots members of the Itty Bitty Kittie Committee at unsuspecting victims.
“How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck, if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?”
So what is a nunchuck gun? To be honest, I have no idea. But I have a theory...
By applying a gun to one of the sticks (thanks to some duct tape, or at the very least a duck), you have 2 options for combat: you can hold the gun, allowing you to whack someone and then shoot them, or you can hold the other stick, and whack someone with the gun, causing more damage. (NOTE: The second way can cause the weapon to discharge. However, this is rarely dangerous, since you should be expecting the gun to fire, while actually being hit by the bullet is insignificant. See guns for more details.)
Tests with other varients of the nunchuck gun, including the nunchuck rifle, nunchuck minigun, nunchuck bazooka and nunchuck WMD, have been less than perfect, although the nunchuck howitzer is popular in Norway.
Scientists in the field are currently in the development stages of creating a more powerful gun-shooting-swordchuckschuck that one scientist stated would "blow the bitch-ass off" the nunchuck gun. The scientist then asked why he is forced to work in a field.
According to Dangeresque, nunchuck guns can be bought at Cool Weapons Surplus, and go great with a Reesy Cup milkshake.
This is a dangerous weapon, a hybrid of normal guns and nunchucks. To elaborate, it is two guns held together by chain or, in the case of very large guns, jumprope. Gunchucks are considered much more deadly than normal nunchucks, as being shot is the leading cause of death among people with organs.
Many variants on gunchucks are known to exist, each one using a different kind of gun. The most popular variants are gunbladechucks, shotgunchucks, and flamethrowerchucks.
The Shotgunchuck is favoured by modern ninjas who just want to become nigh unstoppable at short range combat, although it's rare to see one used as the sheer sight of a Shotgunchuck is enough to bring a man to his knees due to fear. When two Shotgunchuck-wielding ninjas engage in combat the results are spectacular. the first such occurrence happened when the creator of the Shotgunchuck Sokkittuim-Sama fought his life long apprentice Shaominoto Krakyaskul. It has been told that the intense battle (whoever said "1000 times better then Chuck Norris" will be raped with said gunchucks) could be heard from hundreds of miles away and was thought to have destroyed the original Statue Of Liberty.
Another powerful form of the Gunchuck is the Magnumchuck. As the name subtley suggests, this is basically a Gunchuck but with two big-ass 40 cal. magnums, used mostly with ninjas who immigrated to the wild west. This immigration allowed these ninjas to develop new and advanced methods of kick-assery so they could return to their native land and end the Ninja Civil War. The discovery of the Magnumchuck happened almost by accident, when a ninja (the original creator is disputed amongst historians, so we don't name names to keep everyone happy) reached for his nunchucks but instead drew a magnum. He then fused magnums to each end of a chain to create the Magnumchuck. It's used by the majority of Cowboy-Ninjas (easily identifiable by their black 10 gallon hats and blood soaked spurs) who favour it due it's massive long range damage and it's even massiver short range damage (seriously, do you wanna get pistol-whipped by one of those?).
There is some thing like that but it looks like a tanfa gun. Just watch the anime show Rave Master and see.
Dual Lightsaber Chainsaw Gunbladechucks
The pistol-grip frames, saw chains and the chains connecting the weapons in pairs are made of a molecular alloy of titanium, carbon, hydrogen, and duct tape. "Unbreakable" is the middle name of its third cousin.
The four engines are quantum-based, generating their own fuel and only barely existing in this universe. They can be adjusted for time travel.
The onboard computers - which exist just as a side effect of the quantum engines - can handle any targeting and other tasks imaginable through a wireless neural interface.
The saw chains' rotation creates a harmonic resonance that cracks anything that even gets close.
The teeth of the saws consist of several hundred tiny lightsabers that cut through everything else, and generate gravitational fields that make the guns recoilless and give the nunchaku-based spinning motion incredible speed and stability without effort.
The tiny railguns at the base of the blades have a firing rate of Seventeen thousand rails/second (the best chaingun fires at 900 bullets/second.), a range of Eleven thousand Kilometers (just over twice the Earths' equatorial radius.), muzzle velocity of YOUR MOM(Because she blows that much), and a stopping power of 0.5 CnRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick). (The Big Bang is equal to just over 1 CnRhK.) (Actual numbers gathered from test data.)
The bullets are made from an unstable plutonium-titanium alloy, created in a separate pocket universe at the moment the trigger is pushed. They have hollow cores filled with cyanide and an anti-matter acid, and they're coated with lemon juice. Their destructive force can't even be expressed in any known language other than that of the elusive Giant Boing Gloing. But it's quite a lot.
The special vibrating feature is an added bonus for female wielders, to boot.
A chainsaw with a rocket engine is fired out of a rocket launcher, causing excessive pain with the cutting and exploding combined. Unless you miss. Making you a idiot and one chainsaw short.
A cheetah with a rocket inserted in the anus is fired out of a rocket launcher. The can cover very large distances and is extraordinarily deadly. If you are hit by the cheetah you will immediately be ripped to shreds. (the rocket ceases to be useful when it gets to you)
= A very fast Rocket, with a cheetah.
A cheetah has a rocket strapped to its back and it runs at you. The cheetahs are trained from an early age to be impervious to trickery (and Butt sex) and will never stop chasing you until it has delivered "the package". (The Cheetah Will become useless once it reaches you)
Walnut Propelled Cheetah
A Cheetah Attached to a Walnut. Very Tasty. (not for use without this)
A AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAA!AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA A AAA AAAAA!!!!
- AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA
Laser Guided Uma Thurman Katana
Uma Thurman shot from a Katana. Please note that Uma Thurman has extremely large hands, and that, if you do not immediately run for cover in a hole, you will be bitch-slapped until crazy from pain.
A gun in a shape of a fork. Oh wait, that really does exist. Whoops.
this weapon is good because i thought it didnt exist but it does
A device which fires Serial ATA cables at velocities in excess of four kilometres an hour! For the hardware technician on the go, or rheumatic ninjas.
Yes, a lasergun. Okay, not a lasergun. Due to the budgetcuts it's a toothpick. If you use this toothpick right, and pray to Jesus, leave Santa cookies on the 4th of July, and say pirate in the presence of a ninja (you must do this last step for it to work..) It will assure a deadly (yet somewhat satisfying) clean mouth.
Triple Barreled Fusion Powered Laser Guided Money Activated Sword-Chuck Wielding Ninja Cannon
Fires three ninjas with Swordchucks. The rest just sounds nice, but doesn't do anything.
Gunblade with an 8ft Masamune blade. 10 times better than the Lionheart.
Lazer Eye Kitty
A kitten with laser shooting eyes, pewpew pewpew!
Not to be confused with the wristwatch, the switchblade version is powerful, sharp, and cool looking. Face it, if it were real, it would totally pwn j00 n00b. It's a very stealthy weapon. The blade shoots out of the watch when you set the time to 12:00 p.m. It can be set to come out the left, right, front, back, top, and very very rarely, the bottom of the watch. Upon coming out of the bottom it stabs right through the wearers wrist. When it comes out any other way, it can be used in combat. To put it away, simply set it for a different time.
- In no way is this related to the iPod switchblade, because I don't want Steve Ballmer to fucking kill(TM) me*
Those of a fashion-concious disposition may prefer the Swatchblade(tm) version.
Your traditional bracers comprise a single strap of leather - or, if you're really lucky, a bit of tin. Well, why not increase the offensive power of your wrists with the sizzling sting of the cheese grater? Simply select the size and shape of your grating holes according to the skin type of your opponent (be the Chinese, Nepalese, Turkish or crocodile) and jump right in. Impenetratable to all other weapons (except knitting needles and BBs). Boobies
Quick-deploy Chinese Segway Infantry
Deployed in drop pods from orbital satellite barracks, these "pocket sized pain pills" are the staple of the imaginary Chinese army. Featuring several tiny-gun wielding badasses decked out in black, the beauty is that they are able to move slightly faster than walking, while being able to use both their hands to hold their guns!!!
Double-sided Folding Chair
This is the weapon Darth Maul would use if he was a professional wrestler. Oh sure, you just laid the smackdown on your opponent, but you know his grappler buddies are right behind you, fixing to hit their finishers on you while the ref ain't looking.
What do you do? You get a double-sided folding chair (which can be made by taping two folding chairs together) and hit both guys so hard that they forget it's fake.
In the picture on the right is Darth Maul fixing to get Rene Dupree back after the French retard knocked him out of the Royal Rumble with a cheap shot. Based on Darth's facial expression, the result was less then pretty. However, the crowd loved it, and it caused HUGE amounts of PAIN!
It's entirely possible this shouldn't be on the list any more. Steve Ballmer may have made use of such a weapon in the opening shots of the GoogleSoft War.
Spiked Hula Hoop
An ultra-deadly weapon used mainly by Chinese babies, the Spiked Hula Hoop can easily be mistaken for a hoop skirt frame or some other innocuous, erotic novelty. The spiked hula hoop is wielded by inviting everyone over for the Olympics, then having erotic Chinese midgets posing as infants in hoop skirts literally chop the audience during the opening ceremony. We win again!
Feather of Death
There is some debate as to whether or not the feather of death actually exists, as there are various references to it in Renaissance era literature, and it even appears in a notable painting by Albrecht Dürer. Most statisticians agree, however, that things in paintings are only 12% more likely to exist than things that aren't in paintings, and things in Renaissance era literature are actually 26% less likely to exist, thus the Feather retains its place on this list.
The theoretical functionality of the Feather of Death is also hotly debated, some claiming that the suffix "of Death" alone would be sufficient to make the feather deadly, while others argue that the feather gets its potency from harmful substances such as mercury which would be renewed each time before the application of the feather to the victim.
Theories about how the Feathers of death were actually used are clearly bunk. One stipulates that it was typically dropped in mid air with hope that the wind will carry it towards the enemy. Others strongly disagree with this and maintain that it was used to stuff pillows of death. Use of normal feathers were numerous in torture, and the feather of death may have been used to strike the final blow to the prisoner by tickling his bladder.
Lance with a Brick on the End
The lance was designed to kill by poking, but this rarely happened even at the peak of lance usage. Lances don't penetrate armor very well, so what's the point of jousting with one? Instead, put a brick on the end, and have your horse charge. (Note: if you do not have a horse, then hold this weapon up and wait for an idiot with a horse to charge into it.) The impact will devastate.
Upgrading a lance may, however, result in the opponent noticing it and doing the same at the next joust. That's why it is crucial to kill him, or to upgrade one step further than the rival. Here is the list of lance upgrades in efficiency order:
- Bare lance
- Lance with brick on the end (Adds reach, crushes enemy knight)
- Lance with two bricks on the end (Crushes brick, enemy knight)
- Lance with bluefin tuna on the end (Oil separates bricks, causes enemy knight to fall off due to excess lubrication)
- Lance with cat tied on the end (Cat pounces on tuna, helmet of enemy knight)
- Lance with Jib Fitted On the bottom, with the top hair touching the blade(Jib Uses Fitted Wire To Kill enemy Knight)
- Lance with bulldog tied on the end (Bulldog eats cat, enemy knight)
- Lance with bear tied on the end (Bear kills bulldog, then eats enemy knight)
- Lance with bear tied to another bear tied to the lance(Bears team up on enemy bear, then enemy knight)
- Lance with a lance tied to it (lances extended reach stabs through both bears and enemy knight)
- Lance with turtle tied to the end (turtle's round shell deflects pointed lance, lance stabbes into enemy knight)
- Lance with aligator tied to the end,With the real jib himself at the end (gator eats turtle, broken shell shards impale enemy knight,and the real jib himself (A.K.A Thejib)kills anyone attacking him on the lance.)
- Bare lance (Pointed end easily kills the aligator, stench induces enemy vomiting)
But here's where it gets tricky. A lance with two bricks on the end can easily take a lance with a bulldog on the end, for instance.
A pencil, so HUGE that it must be wielded with two hands. Any less, you will drop it, likely causing excruciating pain to your foot. Any more, and a grue will eat you. And as everyone knows, the pen (or pencil) is always more powerful than the sword. Just make sure you don't look directly at the back end, reports say that you can lose your face
Sharp Fingers McGee's weapon of choice, razor tipped gloves simplify the whole "prod someone and they die" to "touch someone and they die". And that's not even taking into consideration how badass these things are. Just claw someone and they're in severe pain, and yet they have a smooth clean face no woman can resist. How badass is that? They're so badass, they make Freddy Krueger look like a giant pussy by comparison. On the contrary, the hazards of scratching one's bottom with this would not to be underestimated.
Preferred weapon of people that are "scene" and emos.
Self-adhesive, Chloroform-filled Plastic Bag
Snatch was an awesome movie. One of the coolest things about it was Brick Top's preferred method of killin' people: "Taser, plastic bag, roll of duct tape." Although this method of murder is extremely cold-blooded and kick-ass, it requires carrying a lot of equipment around. Tasers are heavy and expensive, and duct tape is bulky. Plus, if you're caught with all three in your possession at once, people will get suspicious. And tasers tend to set off metal detectors, so they're hard to get into high-security areas (unless they're disguised as cell phones or something).
A self-adhesive, chloroform-filled plastic bag would solve these problems while retaining the awesomeness factor. Instead of zapping your target with the taser, then putting the plastic bag over their head, then duct-taping an airtight seal around their neck, the whole operation is reduced to one step: pull the bag over your victim's head (preferably from behind to minimize initial resistance). The chloroform will kick in, knocking your mark out, and the edge of the bag will stick to the victim's neck, forming that all-important airtight seal to suffocate the victim to death. Fingerprint-resistant plastic bag available, for an extra charge.
There is a new chlorine version in development, it kills the victim much quicker than the previous (above) product does. How much quicker? MUCH QUICKER.
Nerf-stick of Oblivion
Created in an attempt to tame the awesomeness of Oscar Wilde the Nerf-stick transforms anything it hits into its harmless nerf equivalent. The attempt was unsuccessful however as it was discovered that the nerf equivalent of Wilde was just as awesome as Wilde himself, due to the principle of Conservation of Awesome
Toxic Boxing Gloves
Don't ask. Some things are better left that way. In fact, most of the weapons shown on this page should be left alone. Really. I mean it. Don't go saying I didn't warn you, because I did. Good luck typing with these things on.
Napalm-filled Balloon on a Stick
This is a very easy way to surprise people. All you have to do is swing the stick at them (or throw the balloon if you can't break the balloon with melee attacks, pansy) and watch as they are coeated in jeiied petroleum! they can then be ignited if you wish. Note that there may be some drawbacks in that you may catch fire yourself. This can be averted as mentioned before by throwing the balloon. However, there's better ways of doing that (see Acid Balloon)
Penny Farthing of Death
Not a sword, but certainly sword-based, and far, far more betterer even than the ill-fated "Unicycle Of Certain Discomfort", this baby features wheels made from circular swords, spokes made from swords, and a dirty great lance for when you've just got to charge! Plus optional brick for end of lance.
If you really need to ask why this is so awesome, you need professional help.
The Slaxe is just pure awesomeness and that's all there is to it. It's a sword, lance, and axe all in one. You can block, blunt-smash, chop, hack, lunge, nudge, rake, slash, smack, smash, spear, stab, thrash and throw anything with it. Actually, the only thing you can't do with it is cook hot dogs over an open fire. And they cook faster and taste better this way too. Yes cook all your foods with the utterly 9wn4ge slaxe, cuisine cooker from heaven, and the best friggin weapon too!
As menswear, slacks occupy the nebulous middle ground between trousers and pants. As a melee weapon, only slacks feature the permanent crease and debonair flare that guarantee deadly effectiveness in close-order combat. Polyester-doubleknit slacks are preferred for modern combat, as their crease has been shown to hold a cutting edge almost indefinitely, due to the unique "micro-serration" created by the polyester strands produced under doubleknitting conditions. In 1978, regulation leg flare was officially restricted to 32 cm, or a maximum of 72 cm circumference, as the so-called "pimp-flare" could decapitate an opponent before the match had begun. Sans-a-belt manufactures the professional-quality slacks sanctioned by the World Ultimate Trouser Fighting Federation; however, JC Penney and Montgomery Ward offer affordable alternatives, which can be worn with belts. European trouser fighters have had some success with Selfridges.
Spork Sword (AKA Spord)
As the name may imply, you can now look forward to dispatching your most despised enemies with what may remind you of your favorite cafeteria utensil, the spork. Weighing at a mere 17 pounds; 8 feet long with detachable limbs, this instrument of war is not unknown for the utter destruction it has caused at the hands of angry and hungry individuals alike. It may be best known for its usage by King Leonidas of the Spartans in the Great War of Waffles, where many a Greek felt the sting of the Spord's hot steel in their backs. Citation Needed The Spord comes in several different colors, including hot pink; chartreuse; lavender and mauve; except plaid, because that's just silly.
Instruments of War
A combination of a weapon and a musical instrument designed for maximum rockin' and asskickin'. Most famous for their use in ELotH:TES as tools of the Warrior Bards. Strong Bad's KeySwordTar is sometimes believed to be one, but its hybrid instrument nature disqualifies it.
There is no such weapon that is as medievally badass as this. The high kick will knock back their head, the huge spiked ball coming up from under the foot will crush their jaw, puncture their jugular, and make their brains come out of their ears. Unfortunately, the inertia of the weapon coming up after crushing someone's under-skull will likely kill the weilder's foot. There is also the matter of being strong enough to perform a kick with a huge 30-pound spiked ball attached to their foot, so only the most amazing, holiest people that are of sufficient medieval badass caliber would even think to use this awesome weapon.
Somewhat comparable to the above mentioned flail-toed boots, except it consists of a rope or chain with a boot at the end. Not especially known to be very useful, but they do exist. It may be noted that, though not yet attempted, it is possible to wield a pair of flail toed boots linked to another pair of flail toed boots which may in fact be linked to an actual flail, or a couple ninjas. Other variations may include:
- Rat Flail
- Cat Flail
- Fail Flail
- Pope Flail
- Ninja Flail
- WMD Flail
- Slaxe Flail
- Slaxe Flail
- Slaxe Flail Flail
- Slaxe Flail Flail Flail Flail Flail
Nuclear Barbecue Sausage on a Stick
A deadly nuclear barbecued sausage sent from the darkest pit of hell. Eating this will disolve your tongue, then your whole body, then burn a hole into Earth and create an immense nuclear reaction in the planet's core.
A pop tart made in a plasma toaster, when the pop tart is broken open/bitten into (God forbid) this synthetic pastry will release such a wave of sugary, gooey, firey, death that anyone eating breakfast within twenty miles will spontaneously combust, the tart itself will burn a rift in space and release a torrent of delicious filling at such a temperature that it is similar to hot magma, but tastier. This, sadly, will turn the nearby area into a barren and delicious wasteland. Unless its a cinnamon and brown sugar pop-tart, in which case it just turns into a barren wasteland.
This is especially deadly, as the tart will, once heated, stay hot forever, and is indistinguishible from a normal pop-tart. When a Toaster Strudel is substituted, this can cause even more deadly results, as the Toaster Strudel is the one kids want to eat. It has been theorized that by drawing the icing on the strudel in a pentagram, with the correct ancient runes, a gate to Hell or even Congress can be opened, and by slicing the strudel with a silver dagger to release the filling, one might flood Hell, or even Congress with skin-boiling and fruity filling, of death.
Spiked Dildo (anal Deterrent)
A seemingly harmless dildo until you put in in your orifices in your body than the spikes come out and leave you hurt, and you'll never score again. Ouch.
More effective then the lightsaber (sadly), yet, not thought of... common belief is that it will be used when the Jedi have to fight Sith zombies.
It's simple. Two chainsaws stuck together to form a pair of scissors, with flames and hazard stripes painted on, and then imbued with extra awesome. That cat'd better stay off my lawn.
Dangerous in that it can slice through gravity itself and cause your enemy's blood to slowly drift upwards into their own nostrils, suffocating them on their own blood. It can also be used as throwing knives but then it would continually travel in one direction, break through the barriers of time and space, and eventually stab you in the back. Eleventy billion years later.
A boomerang with an axe on either end. When thrown by anyone other than a n00b, the Axerang has been known to kill 68 peasants before even starting to return to its owner. (I only had 68 frie-- peasants to try this on at the time.) Required feats: Two-weapon fighting and Greater Cleave. If you miss with the Axerang, it will grow angry and kill you upon returning.
Unlike a normal boomerang, the centrifuge boomerang spins in an axis aroung the thrower, annihilating whoever comes near!
Can of Whoopass™
A simple metal can labeled "Whoopass™" in red letters. There are four different kinds of Whoopass™; 'Regular'; 'Super'; 'Pwnage'; and 'Junior', for a weaker ass-whoopin'. For the 'Junior' kind, Sailor Moon jumps out, and does all her little girly stuff. WARNING : for people under 10 years of age ONLY. Otherwise, your plan will backfire, and you'll get pwned. For the 'Regular' kind, Stevie Wonder comes out and shoots you with his eye beams, along with other stuff if he feels like it. For the 'Super' kind, Chuck Norris comes out and whoops your ass so bad, he makes full-grown men run home and cry. And finally, for the 'Pwnage' variety, Mr. T jumps out and pities you into oblivion. And if that doesn't work, he'll pwn your ass in a split second. Oh, my god, if you get your ass whooped by Mr. T, it'll be the last memory you'll ever have (he beats you until you have Alzheimer's). However, he doesn't kill you. He pities da foo' that kills people, because he thinks that ends your suffering too early, so he likes to beat you to near-death, and then he'll stop so that you can live with all the ouchy and pity.
Available in various sizes.
This a small, fluffy cake. It is left in an exposed position near the enemy encampment. An enemy will attempt to eat it, and as soon as it touches his lips, its immense Gluten-free dry powderyness leaps down his windpipe and eats him alive from the inside out. The Muffin's true effectiveness has been questioned ever since it was discovered that "The Cake Is A Lie", thus causing Cupcakes to be "Small Lies", thus causing Muffins to be "Small Lies" as well since they are very similar to Cupcakes.
Another small cake, same as the lethal melee weapon muffin but it contains home-made Soylent Green. When an enemy eat it, his/her spit will activate a green human venom and reach the blood vessels. Your enemy will die in 0.1 second. But it's color is way far from green so it's difficult to choose which one is the Soylent or the normal-lethal one.
The bomberang is a bomb crafted to be shaped like a boomerang by the finest mathematical Aborigine minds of the 19th century that is still in use today. The bomberang is simply thrown at the target as if it were a boomerang, and on contact, or at the end of its short fuse, asplodes. If you miss, it will come right back to you (for another throw, of course).
Cat with Buttered Toast On Top
Toast always lands on the buttered side. Cats always land on their feet. This has been proven by numerous astro-nuclear-quantum-physicists. If you drop this on an enemy, it spins at the speed of infinity, crushing the enemy and driving them into the core of the earth, where there is no gravity, and stops this weapon by depleting it's inertia levels to 'EXTREMELY LOW, MAN', and forces it to stop before it stops in the middle of nowhere, where it has to walk to a gas station to refuel it's inertia.
As everyone knows, turtles are made of sheer awesomeness, and therefore cannot be destroyed. That is why there is the Turtlenator. Just pull the trigger, and about 90 Googleplexillion EXTREME LASER-FIRING SNAPPING TURTLES at the target, when they hit the target, the target gets SO AWESOMELY DECIMATED THAT NOTHING CAN STOP TEH TURTLES, they just drive into oblivion decimating anything in their way. And that's why turtles, are SHEERLY AWESOME!!! so dont mess wit them!!!! they'll own mr.t!!!!!!!!!!
They are also one of the leading reasons non-existant weapon design is an equal-opportunity employer.
the t rex wordt gemaakt door een weirdo
Kills you and everything else. This is what God used to create the universe. When God created this weapon, its effect was activated, and everything was destroyed. But, as everyone knows, God has ∞ lives (according to the God Principle). Its power can be called upon only by he who weilds teh turtlenator, which is not next but up two.
- Note: Everyone knows Infinity is simply a passed out 8. So god has 3.14 lives left.
The Poke of Death
While not actually a "weapon", it has been known to cause over 1,000,000,000 deaths. The user concentrates energy to his finger and pokes the target while saying "THE POKE OF DEATH HAS COME UPON YOU!" The user is also able to say "THE POKE OF DEATH" or just "POKE" which in effect causes death of unknown causes approximately 50 years later.
The Stare has the ability to cause others to alienate people. Eventually, this leads to staring contests in which the strongest stare wins. The winner will have asserted superiority by making the other blink causing them to go home and eat their kids. Note: May lead to encounters with police, angry women, cats, firemen, jehova's witnesses, gipsies, and cats. WARNING: The following nounss can also use the stare: Care Bears, The Sun, God, The Other God, Oscar Wilde, Fluttershy, and Walls. These are stair masters, if you beat them, you may end up hospitalized. Note: The Sun hasn't blinked since the Mayan's intermarried with aliens. Note: Oh shi--
The Cornflake Poo
This is when you eat about 600 bowls of dry cornflakes, take a dump, pick up the dump and proceed to throw it at your opponent. The cornflake poo is a very underrated weapon. Its jagged edges have been known to cut people. It could lacerate your face. LACERATE YOUR FACE!!
The poobag induces a state of panic and hysteria in the target especially if they are a Neat freak the result is often funny and may even result in them calling out OMGWTFBBQ. It may also cause the neat freak victim to Asplode. it is simply a bag of Dog, Cow, or kitten poo. The latter being the most dangerous. "Cornflake Poo" above can make a good one too
The only weapon ever to have been developed in France, this is strictly speaking a stealth weapon rather than a melée weapon, but it is about as near as the French get to a proper scrap.
“Bonjour, Monsieur le Nazi, ça va?"Needless to say, it was quickly abandoned for fear of allowing a French victory.
“Ça va danke, ou se trouvent les Mädchen? Ich hab’ ein großen Boner!”
“Je vais les chercher monsieur. Eh bien, du pain?”
“Mweuheuhàhahàhahâhahaha!!!!! Son tête asplode!!!!”
Summon Fray This weapon is like a Tacticool, but when you get 200 melee kills with the knife on it, kill 10 n00bs with the top gun and when wou pull the trigger, Fray appears! since you have A ninja on your Side, you should bring him in battle, with the sointed sticks. On the other hand, you can distract your foe and then bring out A cool weapon sorry, this entry sucks too much ass to be on here.
Its not really much of a melee weapon, but it has a knife on the end so it still counts. The TactiCool is a Barrett .50 Cal Sniper rifle w/a 32x vision zoom scope with an under-barrel sub-machine gun with an under-barrel M203 grenade launcher with an under-barrel Masterkey breaching Shotgun with an under-barrel M9 under-barrel counterpart with an under-barrel tactical knife/bayonet. This was originally Mr. T's weapon of choice but one time it asploded on him and thus... his skin colour was darkened.
"HOW DYA LIKE ME NOW BITCHEZ"- Mr. T just after the TactiCool asploded.
A mental torture weapon, injects over 10,000 Terabytes worth of geometry into a person, making him go crazy and even when symptoms subside after 1,000 years, depression and idiocy may occur. Used in Teletubby war 287 to frighten teletubbies to give up secrets to the mysterious child hypnotizer.
Who wouldn't want to open doors while beating the living shit out of things? SHUT UP, ITiS NOT IN KINGDOM HEARTS!! Maybe... 
Even more deadly than the SinCosTan, the Slow Loris is perhaps the most dangerous weapon ever to crawl through the trees. With a half-second look in its eyes, you lose the ability to function as a human being, your mind begins to melt, and all your organs disintegrate. If you cannot tear your eyes away from its gaze any longer, the Slow Loris begins to probe your consciousness and extract your soul. Even more deadly is the Pygmy Slow Loris, which lives in the Fourth Dimension consuming the soul of Chuck Norris. All pictures taken of Slow Loris' were the last pictures those photographers ever took. Luckily, their mystical powers do not translate across the medium of interphotographic imagery. 
Get an object out of the pit and chuck it at someone.
Ballpit to Hell
This is a pit that you throw at someone and then they fall down into hell and burn for ever in a sea of deadly play balls. Sponsored by McDonald's!
Mr. Game + Watch's Black Hole of Doom
This was invented by Mr. Game + Watch after Ness called him a two-dimensional wanker. It is entirely composed of Mr. Game + Watch's skin, and was created by his weird 2D skin flakes hitting the Temple floor and creating a motherfrolickin' black hole that swallowed up the whole Super Smash Bros universe. Game + Watch later recreated the universe by buying Nintendo and all gaming rights on the Revolution... ahem, Wii.
ROFLCopter is the physical manefestation of 1337, it is the weapon of modern tales, it has been feared by entire countries, planets, and even made Chuck Norris break a sweat once. It was created when two Falcon Punches collided, forming the second most powerful realease of energy since the creation of the universe. However; deemed to dangerous for man to wield, it was taken by Gordan Freeman and hidden in the imension of all things Pie. There has been reportedly a warning taped to it saying: ZOMFGWTFISWRONGWITHYOUFORATTEMPTINGTOUSETHISWEAPONTOF*TARDDONTDOITSERIOUSLY!!!!! -"Dont do it, seriously." -CJP
A knife that shoots knives out of it
This was invented by two meth addicts in the middle of class.