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Bipolar Disorder's duplicitous origins
Bipolar disorder, also known as 'happy happy-not not' disease, is a psychosomatic condition developed in the early to late 1970s (Not to be confused with Manic Depression which is an excellent song by guitar player/songwriter/god in human form Jimi Hendrix, or an Impact Crater caused by maniacally leaping out of airplanes AT 20,000 Feet!). But back to the subject at hand.
Frequently people mix this up with the conditions Unipolar Disorder or Transpolar Disorder in which moods may be affected, but the main feature is of an obsession with mounting treks to the North Pole or South Pole in the former and both in the latter, and a diagnosis of Unipolar or Transpolar Disorder must be ruled out before Bipolar Disorder can be diagnosed. Then of course there is Unipolar Depression, cyclothymia and Unipolar Mania usually referred to as Bipolar, which just shows how complicated and annoying psychiatrists and psychologists can be! Why can't they just make up their minds and call it something simple? You know, like a one-size fits all Snuggie blanket.
Prior to 1670 sufferers of this illness were locked away in artist's lofts and poets' corners and kept away from the general public. It wasn't until the 21st century that the thinking changed regarding this mysterious malady. In May of 2005 renowned scientist Dr. Tom Cruise made the earth-shattering announcement before a stunned Harvard School of Psychological Sciences that bipolar disorder is "all in your head." Tom Cruise was diagnosed with "Scientology Disorder" 3 minutes later in the same institution.
The treatment for bipolar disorder has advanced as more and more new drugs are developed to treat it. Now instead of one or two pills, patients take three, four, five or more! If that doesn't work, of course, there's still electroshock therapy, which is lots of fun....for the doctors.
Causes and treatment
Scientists once believed that bipolar disorder was caused by a combination of parental, chocolate, and environmental factors. Most commonly the onset of this disorder would be linked to a fat, poorly dressed mother who forced her family to act normal when daddy came home drunk and used a shotgun to rid the dining room of it's cockroach problem. This stressful environment would then cause Junior to become the school bully and later in life, the chatroom troll. Modern science has since come to realize that children should be screened and not heard, and simply lock up the troublemakers in military school or an abandoned warehouse by a pier with pit bulls and feral cats who are really hungry.
Should a bipolar patient insist that they do not have bipolar disorder after a doctor has decided that they do have bipolar disorder, more pills, and antipsychotics are promptly prescribed, with an optional injection on the side. Because doctors are usually smarter than patients, and they have the diploma and the power to prove it. Since pharmaceutical companies are known to be quite convincing, an increasing number of people every year are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which is of course incurable. The treatments are expensive to patients and insurance companies, which often decline to fully cover mental health conditions, because people really should "just grow up" and have better control over their own thoughts and emotions.
Blaming the mounting federal deficit, President Bush has added Bipolar disorder to the list of psychosomatic illnesses no longer covered by Medicaid. According to White House spokesman Bill O'Reilly, "Yay! More money for the war chest! Lets go on a spending spree!"
Bipolar disorder manifests itself in numerous ways, most notably:
Depression: Tailgating interstate drivers who dare to drive only 85 mph; loss of interest in drugs and alcohol; difficulty oversleeping; inability to wait in long lines at the DMV.
Mania: Capable of infinite Uncylopedia one-liner entries due to decreased need for sleep; increased chatroom spamming and flooding; increased goal-directed activity such as prank phone calls and bathroom graffiti. Driving 90 mph (or greater) on Interstate 90 just because no other cars (including no police) are around. Spending money (or gambling) as if life were a game of Monopoly.
Mixed Episode: Fits of uncontrollable laughter followed by sobbing: This tends to happen wh-wh-whhhaaaahhahahahahahahaahahahahahahah omg omg omg *sob* I hate my life!! Aaaahhhhh *sob* *sob* whatamIcryingabout hahahahahahaah!
Example of Bipolar Conduct
The following lines are the result from a investigation made by Doctor George Klargus about Bipolarism:
Bipolar: Hello sir, i'm bipolar, what a nice day!
Man: what the fuck?
Bipolar: You Are Re Tarded
Man: No i'm not!
Bipolar: @$%$#! you!
An Article by one suffering from Bipolar Disorder
Hey my name's Joe what's your name have you seen my shirt I don't know what happened to it but it was blue blue bluuuue skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face facing the right direction is important when you drive a car and I am driving a car right now as I type this are you driving too oh my god let's race
Hey. My name's...fuck, what's the point...going back to bed...
Drugs and therapy. Some of those drugs are not prescribed. Jerry Garcia recommends LSD. Positive or negative therapy are helpful in alleviating symptoms. One's best friend telling one to "jump off a cliff" because one slept with his girlfriend can be classed as negative therapy. Usually the bipolar disorder sufferer will either be too depressed to get out of bed and go to the nearest cliff, or too manic to stop sleeping with the best friend's girlfriend. The best remedy for this situation is to take LSD. Side effects include indigestion, environmentalism, fondness for The Doors, further LSD use, anal miscarriage of galactic savior, etc. The best remedy for these side effects is to take LSD. Further side effects include unnecessarily annoying repetition, indigestion, environmentalism, fondness for The Doors, further LSD use, anal miscarriage of galactic savior, etc. The best remedy for further side effects is to take LSD. The other option is to take LSD.
Should LSD not be available, marijuana may be substituted. It totally mellows out the manicness, and simulates the side effects of the usual mood stabilizers - for instance, increase in appetite, lack of desire to exercise, and general apathy. Some may argue that it is addictive, but when you think about it, so are mood stabilizers - if you go off them you have bad consequences. Such as writing stupid unfunny articles, for instance.
Bipolar Disorder in the Media
The Bipolar Express is a children's book on bipolar disorder. The book was written to help bipolar-ridden children come to terms with their terrible, uncurable disease through the journey of a bipolar-ridden boy who is on a mental health hospital cleverly disguised as a train with other bipolar-ridden children. The Bipolar Express's destination is Santa Clause Asylum and Zoo in the North Pole, a wonderful place where mentally diseased children are put on display for the entertainment of normal people. During his journey on board the Bipolar Express, he comes to terms with his disease and learns to just accept the fact that he'll never be normal and will have to live a hard life, bearing the brunt of bipolar jokes, satire wikis and being a zoo exhibit.
- ↑ edited for brevity. The full article goes on for some pages.