User:Shrike/The Massacre of the Chickens
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The Massacre of the Chickens occurred during the Battle of Salmonella near Mount Parma. A battle royale between factions of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the separatist Meatballists led by St. Alfred of Parma fought against the Sauceist fundamentalists of Chef Boyardee. The true story of the Massacre of the Chickens has been veiled by rumor and innuendo, but the recent discovery of the Live Sea Scrolls has revealed detailed information about this influential battle.
By 1520, St. Alfred had sent shockwaves through the established Church controlled by Chef Boyardee, and the Chef had responded by sending out bands of pirates to take control of the situation. The pirates then started a world-wide search across the seven seas, which went on for nearly five years. The flagship of the armada was the amphibious assault ship F.S.M. Marinara, armed with blackhawk helicopters and an array of tactical nuclear-tipped carrier pigeons. Following rumors that Alfred was located somewhere in the Middle East, the pirates engaged in a shock and awe attack on Iraq. Radioactive glassware from that time period is still in high demand.
As the pirates became mired with the five-year war in Iraq, the Chef grew frustrated and sent for a new band of pirates from Britain. These pirates had recently graduated from the training camps of Hamburg, and were armed with powerful Rickenbacker swords. Using enhanced homing abilities induced through the use of LSD, they quickly converged on the Mt. Parma area of Italy. Due to the side-effects of the direction-improving LSD, they mistook the farm chickens for the separatists, and began to battle the birds - and quite nearly lost. For these were no ordinary chickens - they were a hearty flock of Rhode Island Reds, led by Foghorn Leghorn. Using unusual tactics and weapons, such as bowling balls, old-maid chickens, and chicken hawks, Foghorn nearly bested the British invaders. In the end the chickens, and all but four of the mop-topped pirates succummed.
While the battle raged, Alfred and his followers began creeping away from the farm. They were sighted, however, by an eagle-eyed parrot named Woody the Woodpecker. A final battle between the pirates and the Meatballists took place, while a small child ran for the lower slopes of Mount Parma. In the end, Alfred and his band were killed, the child was picked up by local ninjas, and the pirates went on to invade America.