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edit A SAMPLE "TOE STUB" OF THE STUPID ARTICLES I WRITE
edit Albert Schweitzer
Albert "Weird Al" Schweitzer was one of the most selfish, sleazy, horny bastards who ever walked the planet. Actually Albert Schweitzer was the most selfish, vile, hedonistic, and sinful entity who ever lived on any planet. He was a staunch exponent of atheism, rational egoism, psychuous sex, romantic love, neo-objectivist "New Technology", and uber-rightwing propertarian (totally private) anarchy. He totally opposed the Christian socialist welfare state and global cooperation in all their forms, often staging tax protests against the social gospel (and Tea Parties against The Socialist!) in the jungles of Kenya and Gabon. His ultimate goal was to erradicate ALL religious belief, develop biological immortality for himself first, and then sell it to the locals to make HUGE profits (since nobody from a developed country would believe such a thing were possible).
He was singled out for his outrageous views, however, by the infamous Christian-socialist humanitarian philanthropist Ayn Rand, and her later admirer, Dr. Frank R. Wallace, of Nouveau Tech and penis chart fame. These two humanitarian socialists took it upon themselves to initiate force against Dr. Schweitzer, first by trying to get the UN to do it for them, and then, after being nearly laughed out of existence, their penises collapsed, so they had no other rational choice but to kill Al themselves. Their next targets are big-time corporate polluter Al Gore and rabid right-wing Republican author and talk radio host Al Franken; they have hired The Hamburglar as their hitman.
Wolf-ERT is the ten-time world champion of both the International Eat-Off (a competitive eating event) AND the International Beat-Off (a competitive masturbating event). He is also involved with Neo-Geo, Nouveau Tech, Terra Libran, and is a self-proclaimed "Rare-Earth Nazi", whatever that means. He says he's a materialist in every sense of the word: space, world, earth, flesh, food, ejaculate.
Rap-ARD was America's first commercially successful rap/hip-hop act. It formed in 1967 in Kansas City, by a middle aged white couple from a small town. They wore gold chains, kangle hats, and hired backup singers from Motown. After several hits that broke into the top 1,000, they broke up in 1977, never to rap again.
edit ANTI NEO-TECH ARTICLE
“In Soviet Russia, Society gives YOU Tech!”
Nouveau Teche Societie is a French direct mail company, similar to the 18th century salons of the Enlightenment which fomented the Revolution. It targets mostly English-speaking markets, and promotes a totally subjectivist, relativist, idealistic, irrationalist, mystical, communist-socialist religion of everlasting laissez-faire capitalist death, in the flesh, forever. It also worships Ayn Rand and The Hamburgler. It has also called itself "Old Tech", to corner the Luddite market.
Nouveau Teche started as the brainchild of a certain Francois R. Walaise (AKA Wallace), of Boulder City, Nevada, USA, during the late 1960s, when, as one of the world's first single dads, he single-handedly supported two children on an income garnered solely from playing poker. He gambled exclusively, after quitting a then-ludicrous career as a research chemist with a 5-figure income at the Dew Pond Corporation, over petty philosophical differences (they believed it was necessary to be only 98.7% laissez-faire Republican, but Wallace insisted on a full 180%) and MAJOR ideological opposition (they were pragmatic PR people, aiming for the center of the market, while Wallace was an extremist ideologue rocketing towards the bat-fuck John Bircher loony Right straight edge (of the fringe)---and beyond!) to their then new advertising campaign which utilized psychedelic montage of barefooted hippies stepping on sandcastles and squashing them, a sight that Wallace felt was beyond obscene. He called them all "revisionists", "traitors", "neocheaters" and "mystics" as he set off to build his fortune by playing cards, then peddling books and tapes about playing cards and philosophizing about why that symbolizes the ultimate battle between good (CONS: Republicans, Tories, Libertarians, Zionists/Christianists/Objectivists, "Romantic Lovers", Homophobes) and evil (LIBS: Democrats, Labourites, Socialists, Mystical Spiritualists, Sluts, Homosexuals), in business, in politics, in sex, in everything. He had a certain fetish about making penis charts. Wallace died when he was struck by a giant parasitic penis-on-wheels (the mystic Mara), driven by Fred Phelps, ramming into him while jogging on an airplane---Phelps must have smuggled it on board and dramatically shrunk it down to a minature size beforehand in order to evade Wallace's astute powers of detection (and then swelled it back up to giant size), just in order to prove him wrong when Wallace said "It is logically impossible for me to be struck dead by a giant penis while flying on an airplane". Famous last words will get you every time!
edit Heroes & Villians: According to Wallace
To Frank (I mean Francois, oh what the hell!) Wallace, Ayn Rand was the greatest thing that ever existed, save possibly for the Hamburglar and himself. After Rand and her immediate cronies (The Hamburglar, Leo Peikoff, Al Greenspan, Nate Branden, Harry Browne, Robert Ringer, etc. [oops, I forgot: Rand had a falling out with Nate, and never did recognize Harry or Rob, but oh well]), Wallace thought the next best was Aristotle, and that was about it. Oh and just about every greedy, unapologetic, unreformed capitalist, entrepreneur, and CEO who ever lived (Seriously: no shit!). Some specific examples Wallace often noted: Mammon (but curiously enough, not Satan, as Wallace felt Satan was too hedonistic and decadent (re: LAZY!), practiced irrational values, and sometimes initiated force against conservative property owners and producers of wealth), Athe (*Athe is pretty cool in Shanoman's book too, but he's open to the possibility that other deities also might exist; Wallace is adament about demanding acknowledgemnt of only Athe), John Calvin (not for his faith, but for the capitalist work ethic), John D. Rockefellar, Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, William Randolph Hearst, Cyrus McCormick, James J. Hill, Henry Clay Frick, Jay Gould, Cecil Rhodes, L. Ron Hubbard (except for when he was a mystic), IG Farben, Adolf Hitler (for being a "Mr. No-Nonsense Tough Guy", before and after his flirtation with socialism, BUT NOT DURING!), Joseph Stalin (same as for Hitler), Lyndon LaRouche (except for when he was a Trotskyist), Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Leona Helmsley, Rupert Murdoch, Roger Ailes, Richard Berman, John Stossel, Penn & Teller, Glen Beck, Chuck Norris, 50 cent, Johnny Ramone, Ted Nuggent. ...Get the picture?
His villians, however, were a much longer list. Starting with Plato, they included Sophia The Goddess, Jesus, Sloth, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Robin Hood, Immanuel Kant, Karl Marx, Abe Lincoln, Jesse James, Vincent van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Emma Goldman, Oscar Wilde, George Bernard Shaw, Mark Twain, John Dewey, Sigmund Freud, B.F. Skinner, Al Capone, Samuel Gompers, Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, Brian Wilson, V. I. Lenin, Trotsky, Debs, Gorbachev], Mao, Pol Pot, Fidel Castro, Shindler, Claus von Stauffenberg, FDR, LBJ, Albert Schweitzer, Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Andy Warhol, Rachel Carson, Margaret Mead, Margaret Sanger, Gloria Steinhem, Cher, Che Guevara, Ceasar Chavez, Jimmy Hoffa, Jimmy Carter, Angela Davis, John Lennon, Joey Ramone, Michael Moore, Michael Jackson, Jesse Jackson, Jesse Ventura, Al Franken, Natalie Merchant, Jello Biafra, Sting, Bono, David Berman, Moby, Morrissey, Kayne West, Obama, Oprah, Rosie O'Donnell, Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann, Thom Hartmann, Sam Donaldson, Ted Koppel, Shanoman and just about everyone else who ever lived and said anything intelligent, but especially those listed. And especially the liberals. He just loved to bash those liberals!
When pressed, however, Wallace had to admit that there was at least one politician he greatly admired: the late U.S. Senator Joseph "Joe" McCarthy. Next on his list was former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge ("McKinnley, Taft, Harding, and Hoover weren't too bad either!"). Ronald Reagan was next, even though it was ironically members of Reagan's Administration that led the infamous "November 3rd Guns n' Fists" FBI raid against Noveau Tech Publishing, a government action that landed Wallacae in Federal prison. Alan Greenspan, Margaret Thatcher, and George W. Bush all got honorable mention, but he still insists that George H.W. Bush is the devil.
edit See also
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edit Suntanna de Satana
Suntanna Satana, literally "Sun tan of Satan", is the name of a spa recently opened on the West Coast. It's goal: to generate UV light powerful enough to rival the UV intensity of the fires of Hell, so that patrons can literally get "one Hell of a tan!".
edit Political Advice from Shanoman
(Nov 20, 2009 12:17 AM)
Fight the CONS (Conservatives, Republicans, Tories, Libertarians, Objectivists, Corporatists, Fascists, Militarists/Christianists/Theocrats, Straight-laced monogamous Victorian prudes, Homophobes, Red Chinese); support the LIBS (Liberals, Democrats, Labourites, Socialists, Mystical Spiritualists (New Agers), Tree-Huggers, Pagans, Sluts, Pan-Sexuals, Green capitalists)!!!
The people I lump together and call "Republi-tarians" (or CONS: Conservatives, Capitalists, Republicans, Libertarians, Objectivists, free-enterprisers, laissez-faire extremists, anarcho-capitalists, etc.) insist that the economy will get better and better for everyone if only we got totally rid of unions and government (regulations, taxes, etc.), i.e., totally finish off what very few unions and government regulations are left since the 30+year plague of Reagan/Bush/Clinton/Bush. I just don't see how this is at all possible, when we're already at least 99.99978% there! They constantly down-size and outsource EVEN when the economy is good (for them) and EVEN when taxes & regulations are at all-time historic lows; so if we make them even more successful by giving them ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING they want (like how "Dubya" Bush almost totally did), we accelerate the rate at which they go about making their companies even more efficient, and essentially cut our own throats/dig our own graves even faster! We STILL lose jobs and get a decline in REAL wages (i.e. what wages can actually buy; 2009 wages are worth less than 1973 wages, never mind that in absolute terms 1973 wages were far lower---that was before 37 years of subsequent inflation---1973 was the peak for American workers and relative purchasing power has been declining ever since). It will STILL be cheaper for them to send our jobs to places like China, India, Vietnam, Pakistan, Egypt, Ireland, etc., because they can't really pay us much less (if they did, then we wouldn't be able to afford to pay our ever-increasing rents, mortgages, utility bills, groceries, gas, & other cost-of-living increases! In fact, it won't EVER be cheaper for them to hire and pay Americans (or "create jobs" out-of-their-asses), no matter how much taxes/regulations are reduced or eliminated, until the American standard of living is EQUAL to that of everywhere else that they're outsourcing to now; either they (China, India, Vietnam, etc.) are going to have to get ONE HELLUVA LOT richer, or Americans are going to get ONE HELLUVA LOT poorer (prob. some of both, but guess which is going to be more the case? 300 million Americans vs. billions of Chinese/Indians/other Third Worlders? America is screwed!
edit A.J. Gallivant: Privatizer of Everything!
Andrew Joseph "Little Joe" Gallivant was a Hungarian-American laissez-faire free-market theorist and originator of the notions of intellectual property rights and multi-level marketing (MLM) networks. He believed private ownership/permission/royalties trumps even freedom of speech (and also freedom of thought?). After meeting Ayn Rand, Alan Greenspan, and AuH2O (Barry Goldwater) in the early 1960s, he formulated his philosophy of "Absolute Payment-ism". According to Gallivant, everything in existence is privately owned---even air---and the source of all evil in the world is stupid, lazy, thieving people who don't pay the rightful owners for their use of everything! All words, indeed, all thoughts are also to be used only with the permission and consideration for (PAYMENT TO) their rightful owners. His ultimate goal was to build a mind-reading machine so he could catch people thinking thoughts without paying the person(s) whom they got them from, so he could then call the police and put them in jail, where they belong (and make them pay TRIPLE!). He believed that everything ultimately originated with God thus ultimately must be paid back to God, but also recognized that all pagan gods might have actually been ancient entrepreneurs from planets in distant galaxies who bestowed the nascent Earthlings with original values (PRODUCTS & SERVICES, including ideas & WORDS!--this may explain the Tower of Babel story), but with time, evil socialists wiped out the memory that this is what they did, so stupid lazy humans started using the ideas & words of the gods "for free", and that is why bad things happen to people ("Stupid thieves! They deserve every bit of it too!"---A.J. Gallivant). Gallivant served as a consultant to the Church of Scientology, Amway, I&O Publishing (the Nouveau Teche Societie), and Mary Kay, before inventing "NO FREE IMAGE COPYRIGHTS" for the nascent internet. He later was said to consider himself to be a god, maybe even God.
Lou Reed immortalized Gallivant in song with the lyrics: "Little Joe never once gave it away. Everybody had to pay and pay. A hustle here and a hustle there. New York City's the place where they said, Hey babe ..."
Contemporaries of Gallivant said he put a dime in a jar every time he said "Liberty", so he could pay it back to the descendants of Thomas Paine (evidently he thought Paine coined the word, or else invented the concept). I wouldn't have been surprised if he also endorsed the idea of using his mind-reading machines to make sure nobody ever thought anything freely ("without giving credit to whom it's due"), and perhaps even held that nobody really owned themselves, but in fact were the property of God/gods who created (and of course, patented & copyrighted) our ancestors. He might as well have coined the saying '"Pay it backward!"'.
edit An Image of EvilScary, isn't it?
edit (HUFFED excerpt from 50 Cent article, later embellished by Shanoman)
From Homeless to 50 Cent
His Meeting With George "Dubya"
While pulling himself up by his bootstraps, he began a "dayjob" of being a traveling salesman. One of his stops was in Crawford, Texas, where he knocked on the door of George W. Bush. Bush told him to "Always say your prayers, save your virginity, and NEVER pay taxes!". 50 Cent heeded 2/3 of this advice and later astonished fans by saying he admired Bush and that he was his favorite President. Bush, for his part, did not welcome the association with a black rapper, but he did say he doesn't mind 50 Cent half as bad as he hates Kayne West.
Since it is not within my powers to obtain the original article as it existed before it was huffed, I will only say that "Supply-side_Jesus" was, IMAO, very good satire of the ridiculous way modern day U.S. Republicans & other conservative capitalists view the Christian messiah. They have an almost 180 degree diametrically opposite view of what the Biblical Christ actually stood for. It's too bad that somebody evidently felt it was "not funny" or worthy of huffing, in order to purge this site of articles with explicitly leftist POV and replacing them with vacuous articles of no particular political POV (except perhaps for apathy) or even right-wing or libertarian ones.