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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 02:35:UTC)(
26 April 2012
ALBANY, New York -- A talking pineapple has been reported missing from the New York State Edumacation Department Headquarters in Albany, NY after flunking millions of public school students across the state. Almost every fifth grader will be forced to repeat their school year because of the devious pineapple who managed to escape before the grade schoolers got their hands on it.
President Barack Obama said in a press conference last night, "We are in a real educational crisis now. As soon as you make fruits in charge of public school testing, you've enabled them to take over the world."
edit How it started
It all started in innocent class rooms scattered across the state of New York. A silence pervaded over the school body as they read a passage about a pineapple who tried to challenge a a drunken donkey to a race. While their friends the happy bush animals debated the athletic merrits of both the drunken donkey and a pineapple, they cut off and ate tiny pieces of the fruit. In the end, the animals ate the entire animal without realising it, and the race was canceled. All the bush animals were given life sentences for involuntary manslaughter.
The pineapple on which the story was based is hiding in an undesclosed location fearing for his free life. Afraid that he will be sent to guantanamo bay, he is learning arabic just incase he is forced to share a jail cell after his waterboarding and stress tests. "I'm just the fruit that the story was based on, I'm not responsible for stupid tests and the incompetent civil servants who write it. Go throw them into a terrorist prison, I just want to live out my life, hopefully with a banana, for companionship and maybe something more".
The government has declared that all civilians are permitted to shoot and kill any talking pineapples and it has a bounty on his head for either a cash prise, or two vip passes for a party hosted by George Clooney and/or President Obama.
Media has so over dramatised the situation than other talking fruit are also being lynched around the USA. Fifty oranges were found in a shallow grave with missing heads in Mexico. Even harmless talking Raspberries are being attacked by Americans gripped by mass hysteria. "I have never felt unwelcome before in America," said a talking Japanese spring onion also under siege by fifth graders. "I've always gotten along with people here until the media got hold of this pineapple guy... they should gut him, not me. I'm not even a fruit. I'm bitter and I add flavour to sauces and stir-frys."
edit Taking over the education system?
Meanwhile, school boards are preparing strict guidelines on the testing of elementary students to ensure that it is totally free of food, especially talking food. Even talking beer bottles and microwave popcorn bags can no longer stand in as a character for the testing of twelve-year-old New Yorkers.
Left wingers spent the day defending animate plants, seeds, fruit and legumes claiming that they are being victimised as scapegoats for the real culprit behind grade schoolers' failed exams. "While Obama is focusing all of America's attention on fruit that happens to be able to talk, the real culprits behind it, Wall Street bonuss that is, are getting away scot-free. "Obama and his fat cats are playing poker in the White Wouse, betting their corporate golden parachutes, while talking plants are being nailed to trees and pureed in factory genocide camps," said a frantic and badly dressed protester.
In the mean time CNN is covering this story by the minute and is interviewing various pineapple experts and talking fruit scientists. The Catholic church has also send a Cardinal to give his point of view, while suicidal 12-year-olds in New York have access to round the clock counseling. "That's the worst part," says a school psychologist, "everyone is a vitcim here, the pinapple is a victim, talking produce, the children who have lost one year of their lives and especially the bush animals, they will rot away in prison while their children will have to fend for themselves in the horrific landscape of child stories," she said as she stared off into the bleak future, knowing America's innocence was lost that day.
- Valerie Strauss "The meaning of the 'talking pineapple' test question". Washington Post, April 25, 2012