User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2011/Lollipop

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Happy Monkey Competition Winter 2011

Pee reviews for: Lollipop

Article: Fly (insect)

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Humo(u)r: 6.5/10

Where to begin. I actually laughed out loud once in the "crashed into the wall section" and laughed a few times in the over the top absurd parts. There are funny moments, some silly others more of a wah wah wah kind. But for the small text you gave it is over all okay funny.

Creativity: 7/10

I cant knock you for creativity, theres lots of it. However, its mostly undirected creativity. Theres also not so much text. But I do give you a 7 for your wildly imaginitive mind.

Images: 0/10

Where are they? I know for a fact you can place good images.

Prose, Formatting, Links: 2.5/5

There is little text and very few links. Though few errors and at times its written well.

Concept or whatever you want to put here: 1/5

What is the conecept. All articles need some kind of back bone. You can write an article well but that backbone structure makes it great. I just don´t see what it is except that flys are crazy and they are a product of crazy animals. Theres so much funny potential here but without that skeleton to keep it up it seems random and funny crazy stuff.

Final Score: 17/40

For an article with only a few paragraphs I like how there was a LOL moment, however a picture or two, a beginning middle and end and concept could have doubled or tripled your score. If you put thought into it, and polish the text you can make a funny and good article out of this.

Comments:

{{{Comments}}}

Pee Review from: Magic man

Humo(u)r: 1/10

Sorry to be so blunt, but this is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever read. All the jokes are juvenile, stupid one-liners.

I don't believe this is even finished. Looking at the history, it looks like you started, then just stopped.

I feel like you should just totally start over and go about it from a completely different angle. Maybe make it seem like a Wikipedia article with silly, fake, outrageous facts. That could be funny. Either way, I would trash everything you have now, because that just isn't working.

Creativity: 2/10

I only give you a two for making up that story about the bird and the beetle. It wasn't funny in the least, bu I probably wouldn't have thought about it.

Images: 0/10

Er... There aren't any. I would suggest starting here. If you scroll down there are enough funny things there for your whole article and more.

Prose, Formatting, Links: 2/5

*Sigh* List time.

  1. You're missing a space between the "or" and "fucking fly".
  2. "most probably the most irritating creature ever" just sounds bad. It should be "probably the most irritating creature ever".
  3. There doesn't need to be a comma between "when the beetle said" and "please mister.".
  4. The "please" in "please mister." should be capitalized.
  5. You said "I ma a poor lady beetle." when I think you meant "Ima poor lady beetle.".
  6. The "i'm" in "Say, i'm horny" should have a capitalized i.
  7. You said "but the children edned up being retarded flying bugs". You misspelled "ended".
  8. "Don't shower for 5 weeks. And wear the same clothes, and roll around in mud." Sounds odd. it should probably be "Don't shower for 5 weeks, wear the same clothes, and roll around in mud.".
Concept or whatever you want to put here: 1/5

I feel there is no concept. You always need a concept. This article doesn't. I made a suggestion up in the humor section, but you can go any way you want with it. But remember: Always have a concept.

Final Score: 6/40

So like I said, this is pretty bad. I will need a substantial amount of work, but it can be done. So make it longer, make it less juvenile, make it funny and it could be OK.

Comments:

{{{Comments}}}

I hope I'm not breaking any rules or doing anything wrong by writing here, but, Magic Man, there are several errors in your statements about grammatical mistakes in the article. I will just list them here (someone please correct me if I am wrong in one of these points, but I looked them all up before I wrote them here):

  • The "that" in "that dumb disease carrying bugger" should be capitalized. – No, because "that dumb disease carrying bugger" is not a sentence itself, and capitalization in a quote should always follow the original capitalization.
  • There should be a period after "fucking fly", not a comma. – No. If there were a period, then the phrase 'Known to most ... or "fucking fly"' wouldn't be a sentence. As it is, this phrase is an adverbial participle clause, which, because it is at the beginning of a sentence, is correctly separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma.
  • "most probably the most irritating creature ever" is either bad grammar, a redundancy, just sounds bad or all three. Should be "probably the most irritating creature ever". – It just sounds weird, but it is not redundancy, because the first "most" refers to "probably" and the second to "irritating", and grammatically it is perfectly correct.
  • There doesn't need to be a comma between "when the beetle said" and "please mister.". – Yes there does.
  • You said "Don't shower for 5 weeks. And wear the same clothes, and roll around in mud.". – But it should be "Don't shower for 5 weeks, wear the same clothes, and roll around in mud.". As I understand it, there are different conventions regarding the usage of the word "and" at the beginning of a sentence. So it is not necessarily incorrect.

Schamschi

Okay thanks. I fixed it. Heh, reviewing the review... --Tophat headless 14:52, March 5, 2011 (UTC)
Indeed, a "meta-review"... Schamschi
Yesh... --Tophat headless 16:43, March 8, 2011 (UTC)

Monkeyjudge

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