User:Shabidoo/Normal people stuff
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit I am a person
So I wake up at 6.00 and the first thing I think is I should be presentable at my meeting today. Should I wash my balls or put on a double dose of Cologne?
I just lied actually. What is really on my mind is something far more important: my watchlist on uncyclopedia. I must know if anyone left a message on my talk page while I was sleeping. New messages are like doing smack. Remind myself to never switch off my computer at night as Waiting 30 seconds to turn it on again is agony. No, not today. So I read other users messages and pretend that they are for me. The mornings are a little lonely otherwise...and that's when I consider logging onto IRC.
edit I am a normal person
So...I spend so much time online that I forget to wash my balls. They are quite salty this morning so I put a triple dose of Calvin Klein on. One last check for messages. None.
But wait, I realise someone wrote an article about uncyclopedia. That is like, not cool, because writing about yourself is just not ever done in the world of writing. I mean, who ever writes a book about their own life? Who ever writes a book about their job and how to do it? Who ever writes about how to write? No one. So why should an uncyclopedian write an article about uncyclopedia? That is just insanity and it makes me so angry I want to cut my ears off. They can't do that. Where are my scissors?
edit I am a normal person who does stuff
But then I notice an admin blocking a vandal...and what a funny message they left. Admins are not just wise sages of online wisdom...they are also funny. Haaaahahahahaaaaaa.
I'm in my car in traffic. I think about my meeting. They are important clients and you have to caress their crotches (figuratively that is) during meetings. The more important they are...the longer I must fondle their packages (metaphorically you see). But...talking about sucking small penises...I just have to know what the admins on uncyclopedia are up to...20 minutes after I last logged on. So I log on with my smart phone and...hey...look at that...the admins are blocking each other...that's so entertaining. Not only do they block each other and leave really funny reasons why...just in case we didn't see those descriptions on our watch list every 5 minutes...there's even a delightful summary of them on the weekly news letter. What a funny virtual world we have. People insult each other with their keyboards and their WIFI connections. Now that is progress.
edit I am a normal person who does normal stuff
At the meeting there is a smoking hot lady with long legs...visible through the glass business table. You know, there are very few women writers on uncyclopedia. Just like real life I guess, if you work at a fire station or if you are a male stripper. Maybe most users are strippers and fire fighters. Maybe they are unemployed. Maybe the women writers are men pretending to be women. Maybe I am not who I think I am! Woah, thats deep stuff. This website really makes my mind explode sometimes. Comedy is serious stuff!
My colleagues leave for lunch but don't invite me. It must be because I am so cool and that scares them. I would be intimidated if I had to share desk space with myself. I eat my lunch at my desk and log onto uncyclopedia. Yes! I have a message. Someone is thanking me for voting for their article. That's actually why I voted for it, so that I would get at least one message on my talk page this week even if it was a template.
edit I am a normal person who does normal stuff with people
I go home and see there is spaghetti and meat balls on the table. My mom never gets tired of making it. I tell my parents the really funny thing another uncyclopedian wrote on my talk page a couple months ago. My father started crying. He must be laughing so hard he was squeezing tears out of his wrinkled tear ducts.
I log onto uncyclopedia for the 602nd time today. Man...there is a forum about if there should be ads or something on the wiki. That is so interesting and so many people say such serious stuff about it...it's like I'm going to University. It's full of really intelligent stuff peppered with hilarious ranting and raving and unrelated jokes. I use my sock puppet account to get people really angry and then watch and laugh as the users start sabotaging each other in ways that would make the Palestinian uprising seem like kindergarten.
edit I am a normal person who does normal stuff with normal people
I design a program to re-load my watch list every .5 seconds and sound an alarm whenever something has changed and sound a huge alarm when I get a message on my talk page. That way I can wake up in case I have fallen asleep and read it. I drink a few litres of diet coke each night to stay awake so I don't miss anything and that way I don't get fat.
One night I got messages from five different Uncyclopedians. I have never been so happy.
Oh man...you will never believe it. An admin just banned himself. My god...are they allowed to do that? How is that even possible? Woah...get the hell out of here. The admin just resurrected himself...and the comment he left made me laugh so hard I think my kidney has ruptured. Did I just pee my pants? I did. Hahahahahahaha.
edit I am a normal person who does normal stuff with normal people in a normal way
Jesus Christ...I am literally on the floor laughing out loud so hard my dad just asked me to keep it down. It is 6 am in the morning. So I put a pillow over my mouth as I laugh...almost screaming. Seriously...one of the admins just deleted their user page. Oh my god...that is just like insanity...and the comment they left was so funny...I won't even repeat it...because if you read it...you would start pissing your pants. You would bite your own nipples.
Any ways...I don't want to pull another uncyclopedia all nighter this week. There is always the weekend you know. So good night and don't forget to put a message on my talk page. I am less suicidal when I get messages. Killing myself would be the worst form of navelism there could ever be...don't you think?