User:Shabidoo/My bikini diet

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edit Day 1


Oh, dear two-piece marvels! How I long to be able to fit into thee!

I have fourteen days to lose ten pounds. My doctor recommended a simple diet to help me fit into my bikini before my trip to Miami. If I want to have fun and see some action I am going to have to follow it. Because, you know, my snobby, show-off "girlfriends" are coming with me. Those stupid sluts, always talking about how "tired" they were after their "morning walk"! I just know they say that just to make me feel bad! I mean, how can a lady walk 30 km in less than an hour! It's fucking ludicr-oh, sorry I seem to have lost my focus here. Anyway, for Breakfast I had:

  • Low fat sheep yoghurt
  • Whole grain toast with bananas and applesauce
  • Half a banana
  • Half a glass of grapefruit juice

I was amazed with myself. I prepared the diet on my own and actually liked it! It was fabulous. I ate nothing more for the next 3 hours. Then for lunch, I ate:

  • Hummus with brown rice
  • The other half of the banana
  • Coffee with soy milk

It wasn't my favourite lunch but it was okay. I really feel good about myself. I think my workmates notice that I am already losing weight.

For dinner I had:

  • A lamb cutlet
  • A baked potato with a teaspoon of butter
  • Soy chocolate chip butter snaps

I was only supposed to have two butter snaps but I had two and a half. I lost half a pound today. If I keep it up, I will be running on the beach in my smoking bikini!

edit Day 2

I followed the same plan as per yesterday though I had 3 soy chocolate chip butter snaps. But I still lost half a pound more. That's one pound already in two days. My mother told me I seems like I was glowing. Ah, what a happy experience losing but one pound is!

edit Day 3

I did the same plan though I had no soy chocolate chip butter snaps to penalize myself for the days before. I can just see myself sitting on the beach, circled around by some hot latinos checking out my fab body, and my stupid "girlfriends" making those forced smiles that clearly show how jealous they are!

edit Day 4

Fat Martini Woman

I would kill for a Martini right now.

On day four of the plan you can only drink this shake. It tastes like mixing milk chocolate powder with Gatorade in an ash tray and drinking that down. Come to think of it, nothing in my diet actually tastes that good at all. It's like I'm feeding on cardboard and mulch every time I'm hungry. Whatever happened to living to eat? Whatever happened to enjoying all the good food within your reach? Am I actually shutting myself out of so much culinary gratification just to fit into a stupid bikini? Ah, who cares? I lost a pound in one day!

edit Day 5

I don't really feel like I have any energy. This diet is really getting to me. I would do anything to eat a big bowl of rice with potato chips sprinkled on top of it and a brick of butter stirred in. And maybe after that, a bucket of fried chicken, followed by another bucket of fried potatoes, and lots and lots of ice-cream! Dear God, what's happening to me??!!! Must.....keep.....focused!

edit Day 6

For breakfast I had porridge with honey on top. It was barely edible. I wasn't very productive at work, but I pinned up a picture of the beach, just to keep me motivated. For lunch it was chicken noodle soup without chicken and two crackers. I was allowed to have three M&Ms. For dinner I ate the rest of the M&Ms and went to sleep because I was too tired to cook. Apparantly that was okay because of the protein in the peanuts. I lost a quarter pound.

edit Day 7

Because it is Sunday I let myself go a little today. I had a drumstick at Kentucky Fried chicken but then threw the rest of the meal away. I took some sleeping pills so that I could just sleep the whole day away and not be hungry. I missed the season finale of "dancing with the stars". I should have taped it.

edit Day 8

I couldn't find any soy granola so I got a box of shredded wheat. I ate the whole box and put a lot of sugar and 2% milk ontop. The rest of the day I stuck to the diet. I didn't lose wiehgt but I didn't gain any.

edit Day 9

I tried the bikini on. It almost ripped so I had to stop halfway in the fitting. The folds in my side-fat have mostly dissapeared. I feel good about myself.

edit Day 10

I watched girls gone wild 2 and 3, and started dreaming about how much fun I am going to have in Miami. Ive already lost 6 pounds so far.

edit Day 11

I have a bit of a headache. I don't even think I can eat any dinner. My grandmother cooked dinner at her house. I allowed myself to have a treat and ate her famouse beef pie with deep fried shrimp and gravy. I gained a quarter pound but it was worth it.

edit Day 12

I had Irish soda bread with rasins. I was walking through the market and saw all the stalls. I sampled a few things and bought a couple things I probably shouldn't have. I gained a quarter pound but I can make it up in the next two days.

edit Day 13

Fried chicken

My first course arrived....

I woke up and, it's like there's a baby just sucking all the essential fats out of my body. I'm eating for two now, right? Operating on that assumption, I baked some peanut butter cookies and ate them dipping them into Herskeys caramel sauce and walnut spread. I then had a couple coffees with sweet and low to compensate for the calories.

For lunch I did the Kentucky Fried Chicken thing, but I ate the whole meal deal and for dinner I had a double cheese pizza with extra bacon and I finished it off with two big bottled of Doctor Pepper. I am eating for two, that's it. I might want to buy a new bikini but at least I haven't gained any weight in the last two weeks. Well...after today, in fact I'm up a quarter pound, but then there is tomorrow.

edit Last day


I'm the one in the pink. Compared to my other friends I am a super model.

I went out and bought a new bikini. On the way I stopped off at the drive through at Crispy Cream and got some doughnut balls. They aren't the doughnuts so they don't count right? When I got home I felt really thursty and I ate a jar of mayonaise with a spoon while standing at the fridge and then I started shredding some cheese. I decided that, since cheese has no carbs, I could just melt a pound of it on a baking tray and eat it right off thee tray. I added some butter to give it an extra crunch. For dessert I had half a dozen brownies and a quarter tub of icecream.

For my afternoon snack I wrapped some tortillas around some congealed gravy and baked them in the oven. Meanwhile I started cooking dinner. Dinner was taking too long so I ordered out chineese and mexican food which was nice. There was low fat salsa with the deep fried burritos. Dinner was pretty good, I cooked five dozen chicken wings for starters and a main course I made a turkey with stuffing and 12 side dishes finishing off with peanut butter cream pie and a carton of Icecream then a mars bar. I didn't loose weight, but I only gained 5 more pounds. I still feel comfortable with myself and I kep myself below 250 pounds which was my real goal the whole summer. the the beach. Boys, watch out!

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