HowTo:Understand and deal with pretentious people
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Pretentiousness is when one overstates their value and opinions when doing so is unnecessary. It is the essence of those creatures who communicate by words instead of action...who pass off opinion as gospel...especially when refering to themselves. Instead of pulling something off they comment on everything around them. Instead of evolving they critique the ways others. Their way is always better. They fail at being honestly good at anything...except draining the liquid plasma out of everyone's circulatory system, one unwelcomed fact and opinion after another.
Boringness pervades every fibre of the pretentious animal. That over dressed elitist on a low-budget flight asking the year of the wine served from a box from the push cart by an busy and very patient flight attendant...he's a pretentious bore. You aren't the only one who noticed. An hour long lunch with a pretentious bore like this and your white cell count will near fatal levels.
Expel such people from your life. For those that cannot be kicked out (a neighbour, your co-worker, your eldest son) there are solutions. First, assess what the person is trying to prove, who they are trying to impress and just how deluded the person is. Then deal with them by either ignoring them, challenging them and if this fails by destroying them.
edit UNDERSTANDING pretentious people
edit Step 1. Assess what the person is trying to prove.
Most pretentious people want to impress every single human being with eyes. They want everyone to think (and say) they are clever, amusing, important and fresh. Equally important they want to seem clever, authoritative, powerful, admired, sought after and insightful. There are many more clichéd adjectives...but no one who possesses these qualities ever needs to convince anyone of it.
Case Example 1: Have you ever discovered how many languages someone speaks before you've learnt their name?
Self importance is the key here. They aren't important. Important people don't have time to tell others how many languages they speak. One sentence out of their mouth is enough to label them pretentious, turn around and slowly walk away as they're speaking more about themselves.
edit Step 2. Assess if you are the vitcim of pretentious people.
Pretentious people seldomly turn the topic of conversation to someone else. When it does happen something grim and sinister occurs. The point is to quickly and confusingly steer the conversation back to themselves. No one realises this until it is too late.
Case Examples 2-4:
- A woman compliments another womans shoes while flashing her own expensive ones with the four figure price tag attached.
- A friend asks another friend how their Stephen King book is while they prepare their oratory on 16th century Italian poetry.
- A secretary asks a fellow secretary how they manage their tasks while they take in a deep deep breath for the long one sided conversation about to come...because apparantly...without her...the company would fall apart.
Their own insecurities are so ingrained into their psyche that they need to validate themselves to everyone, all the time...including people they've just met. If that person is you...it is imperative that you figure this out as early as possible and immediately devise a plan to get out of the pickle it before your brain bleeds.
edit Step 3: Assess all the different ways people are pretentious to you.
While there is always slight variation in each case, a pretentious person is being pretentious because deep down inside they know that they are bland, useless, unoriginal and scared. They do this in two ways: by trying to propel themselves to the level of those who are above them (by appearing better than them) or to demean and bully those around them in an attempt to bring them to their own low level. The following is a gruesome example not meant to be read by the sensitive and sympathetic.
Case Example 6: A visual artist wannabe updates his daily blog with a couple nearly blank images of lonely lighthouses in an empty sea: a commentary on the meaninglessness of intransinistic spaciality in both temps (french for time) and temporalinicity (sensible in no language). The image is meant to propel him to everyone else's level, by sporking someone else's image and putting it on his blog, it makes it seem like the image is somehow his and thus demonstrates his cleverness and worth propelling him up to the original artist's greatness. By writing incomprehensible but seemingly meaningful words underneath, he tries to cast the readers in the shadow of a great mind, confusing them, making them doubt their understanding of things and lowering them down to his empty and meaninglessly insecure level.
This is an extremely advanced tactic of pretentious people. You are the victim of it every day and you don't even realise it. Fortunately there are ways to deal with it and it's easier than you think.
edit DEALING WITH pretentious people
edit Step 1: Ignore them.
The classic, rarely used but always successful tactic: smile and ignore. Without a reaction a person will have no way to asses if those around them are buying their story. They don't know how to feel about themselves until they see how others react to what they do. Ignoring the person will encourage them to try a new victim (a silent message which says "to go away".) While silence can be akward for both parties, rest assured the pretentious guy feels way more distressed than you when you ignore them. Silence is the most potent poison for the pretentious and you should ignore the pants of the person and not feel bad about it.
The best question to ask a pretentious person after anything they say is "why"? Multiple times. Doing this will quickly destroy the illusion the person is trying to create and deflate them into emptiness.
Case Example 6: A friend of a friend talks about a trip to Canada with its clean streets. She simply wants to go and live there forever with its safe streets, polite shop attendants and lovely colourful money (where everything is better than here).
Now, ask her why"? Even better, ask her: "Why are you talking about your trip to Canada, I barely know you." While this may seem to be without tact, the directness of the question brings our pretentious animal back down to earth and it helps you set limits with her.
Case Example 7: A friend of a friend has bought a suave pink business shirt from an expensive place by a famous designer. He doesn't stop talking about it.
Now ask him: "Why is this designer important? Why should I care about a shirt? Why should I care about your shirt? Why are you talking to me? Why would you pay $700 for a faggy looking shirt? Does your job require one? And in what straight bar would you ever pick up a chick wearing that?"
Again, your questions will be very rude, but it accomplishes three things at once, it makes the person seem not-clever, not-amusing (and not-important.
If your colleague mentions Canada again, that Nordic socialist paradise, a place where she wishes she could move to and live forever, it should be addressed to by asking her: "Why don´t you go move there already?" She never will and reminding her that she is not moving there will destroy the pretense. You won't hear anymore about Canada until South Park makes fun of it again.
edit Step 3: Go along with everything.
It just may not hurt to play the game. A pretentious boss can be won over by agreeing with everything they say. Taking a few humiliating jabs might send the pretentious person off and give you time to do something actually important, interesting and fashionable. In the end, everyone knows what you are really doing and no one thinks the worse of it if you need to keep your job. It's not like you are informing on jewish people hiding in an attic.
edit Step 4: Violently attack the person.
After the twelfth time some guy (or girl) is surprised you haven't read an important book, don't know about an obscure philosopher or have never tried lobster tortelini you may find your patience bottomed out and an urge to destroy. Sucker punch him/her for once and for all. Don't break your hand in the process but punch hard enough to break his nose. It will be difficult for him (or her) to be pretentious with a cast over his mid-face (though they will find a way rest assured). At the very least he/she will think twice before quoting Proust or Camus. If you are a man and she is a woman, you may have to just trip her down the stairs and blame it on her 2,000 dollar high heels.
edit Step 5: Have sex with his (or her) wife (or husband or partner).
Some times you have to bite the bullet and tolerate obnoxious people to keep your job, to show stellar patience or keep the peace. Nailing the guys wife on a weekly basis helps. His wife will jump at the chance to ride any stallion even if you're small and not well endowed. Any man who smiles and listens to her will turn her wild and naughty. Giving her flowers or a compliment will her restrengthen the smile mussles that havent worked in years. Thinking about your weekly bedroom smashes will give you a place to go while the dorkus goes on about his Mediterranean cruise, the wait list for his unborn kids preschool or a new cheese at Twenty Francs a Kilo. While he talks about the blue veins in the cheese you can think about his wife tongue swirling around your balls. It helps.
edit Step 6: Murder the person.
There are thousands of interesting ways to make the murder of a pretentious person seem logical and necesary. You only live once.