From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
FOX News (or as it is more commonly known, FOX Noise), is the most respected racist news source in America, and the most accurate news source that ever existed. It is the most unbiased news agency ever to exist. It is said by most to be the modern equivalent to the Holy Bible and functions in much the same way--directions from the top, Rupert Murdoch, parroted by all the hired puppets working for him. It's British sister news channel Sky News has for the last 20 years been in a holy Jihad against the [cucksucking faggot[faggot]], black, and Mexican communities.
FOX's top notch staff includes David "Ann" Coulter, Glenn Beck, Greta Van Susteren, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. It is believed that all quality news channels will eventually evolve into the exact opposite of Fox News. Fox is known for rigidly following their 2 slogans of Fair and balanced! reporting, "CENSOR n' EDIT!", and "if you can't blame it on Liberals and Atheists consult #2." Anyone who disagrees with Fox News is wrong, stupid, and a progressive.
MSNBC News (also called The Ministry of Truth) is based in a great America where all liberals want are tax hikes and huge government. Also in our great America, economics works and all poor people are made lazy by the fact they have little or no money and so are lazy. FOX has provided the people of the world with random T.V programs for over 10 centuries.
At the behest of network presidents Rupert and Murdock, all news is thoroughly checked over by Fox's scientific news unobjectivity scanning device. The friendly corporation NewsGroup, owned by Democrat and bear Rupert Murdoch, has spent literally billions of dollars on this device that is designed by science to take proven facts and turn them into real news. Not even Wikipedia can dispute the facts of Fox News.
MSNBC News is a bed-buddy to the mainstream liberal media, which is controlled by left-wing, bleeding heart Communist Defeatocrat Jewish Hitlerites with shit loads of money obtained by selling the souls of children to Asian communists, and who spread lies and misinformation through their left-wing, Jihadist, terrorist sympathizing Jew news networks. (Source: NY Times)
It's been said that Countdown is secretly run by a bunch of humorless metrosexual vampires although the only evidence of this is the actual content that Keith Olberman produces. However, reality has a well known liberal bias, and as such cannot be used as evidence against Faux News. Truth be told the only way to any other conclusion would be if you are a communist or a far-left America-hating liberal Defeatocrat anyway. You should just shut up and do as you are told. As Keith Olberman points out, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" CUT HIS MIKE!"
With the advent of television in 1932, then Australian octogenarian Rupert Murdoch decided to use his billions to create a network that would voice the outspoken opinion of the American white, upper class, male, aged 45-95. His idea was Fox News. Rupert Murdoch is well known across the pond in Ole Britain for buying up tabloids and putting pictures of royals in the buff on the front covers. Many Fox viewers refuse to believe this because they did not hear it on Fox.
Award Winning Journalistic Style
Fox continues giving Americans and the World accurate news and covers events like the aftermath of America's glorious victory in Iraq thanks to our brave former and dearly missed President using such slogans as, "Hard work" and "Making Progress" but not "It's time for change", naturally, as the ex president never ever used that slogan. Fox news in addition to honoring the white soldiers who died for the freedom of America in the face of WMD-harboring Iraqi Al-Qaeda terrorists (openly supported by Democrats) who needed to be freed from Saddam Hussein: Known Director of the 9/11 incident which was perpetrated by 19 freedom-hating Arabs who flew planes into buildings after basic training and were identified by their passports, which survived explosions powerful enough to vaporize airplanes into oblivion because they were made of adamantium and survive in a quantum flux state until the debris dissipated, fox news also covers itself. Fox "News" was there. And the only network willing to tell the truth.
In Addition to 24/7 Iraq coverage, Fox has also been known to randomly pop in and give special alerts that can't wait until 9:00 MST, it has to be in the middle of an important 4th down end of second half Football game or your favorite episode of Family Guy. Fox has a special timer that times it so that the programming is interrupted right before the most important play or the funniest joke of the show. Because the news is so important as to interrupt our programming, we won't even need to watch Fox News at 9:00, CNN news, Fox Morning News, Fox's next programming interruption or even read the newspaper, which all will repeat the story at least twice for those who missed it.
Fox News has only inturrupted an inturruption itself twice, once while inturrupting an inturruption revealing our beloved ex presidents glorious "Mission Accomplished" banner, Fox News brought us breaking footage of an important bus crash in North Korea killing 3 passengers which was proven by Fox to have been orchestrated by well known Jehadist Terrorist Sympathiser Democrat Euro-Trash Ababian-Tax Monster Sen. Hussein Bin Obamah.
Fox News has also been known to give us very important details that no other news station gives us. They're mostly famous for showing us the type of shoes worn by the students at Columbine that fateful day, or a book that was being read in addition to which chapter it was on. No other news station actually bothered to give us such details and progressed to the things viewers wanted to hear. Recently they've been giving us minute-by-minute updates on Karr in the Ramsey case in the middle of an important show, including showing a second by second report of how Karr was seen scratching his nose, which his lawyer claimed indicated that he was not guilty later broadcasted and therfore proven true by Fox.
Random footage of 9/11 and the OJ Simpson trial still pop up from time to time because no news station really has gotten over those two events. They always take priority over something exciting like a car chase.
Fox Trumps Inferior News Channels
Fox News has declared holy war on CNN several times and CNN has responded by stealing anchors Fox then proceeded to steal several of CNN's anchors, such as Greta Van Sutren and Ron Burgandy which forced the US government to step in and create National draft for all attractive, opinionated and freedom loving television personalities who were then distributed amongst the networks "evenly" and "fairly", something leftist governments always claim they can do but as Fox teaches us, is logically impossible. Deregulation of such government interference occured almost instantly and now, in a free-network market, News Agencies hold the yearly NAAOSAA (National Anchors and Other Spokespeople/Animals Association) draft. Not surprisingly, the first pick in the draft was Elmo.
A scathing documentary on the network's copious journalistic distortions, Outfoxed, was released in 2004 by Robert Greenwald. Although it appeared to be well researched and even contained interviews with former Fox News employees and numerous inter-office memos that requested reporters to bias they're reporting in favor of conservative, republican policies, Fox News itself destroyed the credibility of the documentary by denying the claims live on air. Robert Greenwald was forced to crawl back to his home and begging plotting anew to find the secret ingredient of crabby-patties. His drivel was utter crap and rumored to be given by the Democrats.
Recently Fox has come under fire for it's hiring practices. You see in 2001 a man named John Dole applied for a job at Fox News based on the fact that by being employed there he would help America. After an interview he was turned down despite his squeaky clean record of sanity and regularity. He brought a court case against Fox claiming he was turned down just on the basis he was sane. A day later Fox ran a story denying this and this swayed the judge to throw out the case; saying "[John Dole] you are full of shit you fucking lying bullshitting Defeatocrat".
Rupert, MurdockRupert, Murdock is the team of Rupert the Bear and Murdock from the A-Team. Together, they fight crime and own Fox News. Their global media empire spans across the whole globe in that it is a global empire that affects people globally, across the entire world, which affects everyone in the world at the same time. Rupert is a bear from England who likes picnic baskets and honey. His catch phrases include "Ay, a boo boo!"," Ah, that's a tasty picnic basket!", "Oh bother!" and "Soon, the planet will be ours!"
Fair And Balanced, Mein Führer?
In order to promote the image of objectivity, Fox News repeats slogans loudly and frequently (as one would naturally expect from an objective news organization) throughout it's programming. The original main slogan for Fox News was going to be We distort and create fictitious content for dumb Americans to accept without question or "We help you decide what to be angry about" or We put the BS back into bias!, but was then moved towards Fair and Balanced, Mein Führer?, this new slogan was dropped however, when Rupert, Murdock realized that there were similarities to this slogan (and the types of graphics that were originally to be used) and Nazism under the Third Reich. In a moment of genius, Bill O'Reilly, that great bastion of truth and virtue, thought of dropping the loaded term 'Führer', and to leave the slogan as simply 'Fair and Balanced'. Unfortunately, the original plans and pictures were leaked onto the Internet and viewed by you. And ol' Bill'O decided to go for a "We 'Report' you decide." Slant.
The recent hire of Ron Burgandy has given Fox News more street cred, which puts it in the same league as BET local news. Burgandy was best known as a local anchorman for San Diego.
As of June 2005, everyone in the world believes Fox News to be the only legitimate news organization and a valuable source of truth helping people counter the daily growing cataclism of lies spewed by Wikipedia.
Fox News plans to relaunch its "Fair and Balanced" slogan with endorsements from well known "Fair and Balanced" celebrities. Already signed are Attila the Hun, Charlton Heston, Judas, Vlad the Impaler 'various' Balkan war heroes, and Walt Disney. "The key message that we want to get across," stated Fox spokesperson Rupert Hess, "is that we are Fair and Balanced where possible. However, we are not afraid to go after anyone with oil who is a threat to our democratic freedom."
Part of the relaunch will include rallies and marches by the uniformed wing of Fox News and the burning of "Fair and Balanced" effigies.
Fox News suing themselves
Fox News got all annoyed by a reference to it in The Simpsons TV show, and started to sue them. When they discovered that The Simpsons were made by the Fox Network, they stopped, so that Fox wouldn't be suing Fox, a fact so mind-numbingly stupid that it doesn't need to be parodied to gain entry on Uncyclopedia. Fox News replied with this statement: "As always our margin of error is plus or minus the facts." When discovered by Fox executives, it was not reported and therefore never happened.
This was all more absurd than the time Michael Moore rigged the 2001 elections in favor of Ben and Jerry, allocating all of the US's Electoral College seats to tiny and penis breath infested Islamic State of Vermont.
As of March 12, 2007, Fox News will officially be monitored by the Oil and Gas Lobby, which has recently moved from Houston to Dubai.
Fox Copyrighting fox
In 2005, Rupert Murdoch started some controversy when he attempted to copyright the fox. He stated his feelings that, "since Fox News is such a great and honorable station that was dedicated to reporting only non-biased facts and honest news," his television station should hold the
financial owner's rights to the mammal. When he was criticized for his statement, his response was "no, it's not out of copyright holder's greed...it's just that, with Fox News being at the high ranking of quality that it is, such a station should be allowed to put legal ownership on this creature. Besides, I wouldn't charge THAT much for people to use foxes in their own forms of works, whether creative, business logo, or documentary." Some foxes attempted to eat his soul, which failed miserably when it was found he did not have one to begin with. When the courts dismissed his wish, stating that the fox is a creation of nature and a non-copyright subject that is not meant to be copywritten for one's personal ownership, Murdoch responded to the decision as "psychotic liberal propaganda."
Fox News' most popular show since 1984 has been The Two Minutes Hate, wherein photos of communists, terrorists, anarchists, or Hilary Clinton are shown on screen and viewers are expected to seethe with rage or throw fruit. Recently Osama Bin Laden has become a recurring character in this program, though Al Barak Ibn Hussein Bin Al Obamah is being seen more frequently these days.
Nobel Peace Prize
Fox News was recently considered for the Nobel Peace Prize for greatest news source ever. A recipient for the award has not yet been found because the Nobel organization cannot decide between Fox News and Uncyclopedia, a website that was also nominated. Bill O'Reilly, on his show, which appears of Fox, had this to say about the two nominations:
So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd just put it on your p***y but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business...
Fox News Slogan *
A list of original slogans that are/were used by Fox News:
- We decide, you follow® (current slogan)
- We instruct, you obey™
- (Un)Fair and (Un)Balanced™
- We distort and create fictitious content for dumb Americans to accept without question™ (original slogan)
- We deceive. You believe.™
- We put the BS back into bias!™
- What is biased?™
- Your leader in biased news.™
- Brainwashing Americans since 1996™
- The Most Biased Name in News™
- Welcome to Fox News your source for Evil™
- Our ratings are high thanks to our hypnosis technology we use in our shows™
* All trademarks and registered trademarks are the property of Fox News.
- We think for you™
Fox News Hired Puppets
- Bill O'Reilly star of ORLY? Factor
- Randy Newman Maker of Newman's Own salad dressing
- Sean "No Brain" Hannity
- David "Ann" Coulter
- Satan, Fair and Balanced
- Glenn Beck
- Big Brother
- Sarah Palin, half-governor of Alaska