User:Shabidoo/Fox "News"

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Fairness is Fox News' highest aim. You are the judge.

Fox News: truthness, realness, credibilityness. -Rupert Murdoch

FOX News is the most respected news source in America, and the most accurate transmission of news to be found in today's ultra modern information age. No detail of any news story is ever wrong as Fox is America's valued and accurate news station, making Fox News a most infallible source of honest news. Fox News is also the most unbiased news agency because that's what Fox News watchers expect. Fox always delivers what they tell viewers to expect, which is fairness, honesty and respected unbiasedness 168 hours a week. It goes without saying that unbiased news matters to Americans. If there were 169 hours in a week, as dedicated as they are, FOX would dedicate just as much time to broadcasting integrity and reliability. What else would you expect other than what we tell you to expect? Nothing of course because only Fox can give you what we tell you you want.

edit The theology of Fox News

As we broadcast a digital stream of respected information broadcasted around the world accurately in several languages, twenty-four hours a day, Fox News is the modern equivalent of the Holy Bible only far more unbiased and impartial. No new age mumbo-jumbo is broadcasted, just the facts. Fox News is the worded image and the imaged word and professionalism, the Holy Trinity of fairness and greatness in accuracy, right in front of you whenever you need it which is continually ... every minute of your waking day. We even broadcast news when you are asleep as the spirit of news making and information reporting doesn't stop when you are unconscious. You will sleep well knowing that your television sets on when delivering the truth in your subconscious. Who else could be there for you any time whenever you need a helping crutch to understand these difficult times? God, the eternal balanced way, Zeus and his inbred children, Wotan and Fox news can.

edit The truth must be reported as it happens


The documentary "Outfoxed" is considered by Fox News as "the most unfair anti-factual piece of dishonesty that has ever been manufactured. Just ask Bill O'Reilly."

Fox News never hesitates to break through any regular programming to give you the impartial news that you need immediately right now and on the spot. That is instant fairness and immediate impartiality.

Fox News has the most breaking news interruptions in America. Fox even interrupts its own breaking news interruptions if the news is more important. That is how seriously Fox takes information and how important interruptive news matters to Americans when the reports are important like abnormal people doing strange things and normal people victimised by every day occurences. Now "that" is news ... news that matters and Fox news gives it to you, always, on time.

edit Inside Coverage


Respect begins with image. If we present an image of fairness, then our news is respected.

Other stations may cover the war but with Fox News you can be right in the middle of it with our correspondents. Some gutless news stations broadcast flying bombs from afar, while Fox News is in the building as it lights on fire. Newspapers may cover natural disasters, but Fox News is there before the natural disasters happen. The company moves its news desk inside the tornadoes of the Southern states and inside power stations when they fail. Late night news might read the details of airliner disasters but Fox News is in the plane as it's about to crash. We are always there. Fair and impartial news could never be as respectable if Fox didn't take news so seriously reporting there, on the spot, all the time. Fox is always here for you as the story unfolds. What informations could be more fair and honest?

edit Objective impartiality

Not only is Fox News balanced and impartial, but Fox also "reminds" its viewers ad nauseam that it is both impartial and balanced. Americans deserve to know just how impartial Fox News is. The more Fox News calls itself balanced and impartial the more impartially balanced and balancedly impartial it becomes. No one can take that away from Americans.

Fox News plans to revamp its "Fair and Balanced" slogan with the far more engaging slogan of "Balanced and fair" which much more accurately represents Fox and its unbiased honesty. Reminding our views with these slogans have proven to be effective, efficient and entertaining ... the three Es of news. Only Fox News takes the three Es seriously. It would be unfair to Americans if we didn't.

edit Journalist Intellectuals


Even an uneven object can be made to balance when treated with fairness and truth.

FOX's top-notch staff includes well known and respected intellectual Bill O'Reilly. All reporters must pass a stringent and exhaustive test of their ability to be a journalist who can report information respectably and immediately on the spot. The world doesn't need more News stations, it needs more reliable impartiality, which Fox does far more unbiasedly.

edit Commercials

Fox is known for upholding their principles and mantras twenty-four hours a day. Their mantras are just as true when commercials are aired during those unfortunate but necessary two minute breaks. Fox screens all potential advertisers for the fair and balanced quality of their commercials. Fox has been known to drop advertisers as they did with Coca-Cola based solely on the suspicion that its new Diet Coke ad was biased and unfair. That is Fox news at the height of its integrity. Fox never cares about lost revenue, especially when fairness is on the line. Americans should expect no less than the best.

edit News

Mouth tape

Keith Olberman unable to continue further with his partial and unfair guest "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT HIS MIC!"

All news stories are thoroughly screened through Fox's scientific news unobjectivity scanning device. Fox has spent literally billions of dollars on this device that was designed by science and respectability. Known in the industry as the objectivity-o-tron, it takes proven facts and turns them into real unbiased information snippets. The machine is considered so tamper-proof and technically balanced, that it can even predict if the next day's news will be fair and unbiased. The machine always determines that they will be exactly that as Fox is America's unbiased and fair news station. Not even Wikipedia can compare to the objectivity-o-tron in its honest respectability.

edit Plus or minus the facts

No one can call any Fox news broadcast unreal or even partially untrue, because the truth is delivered relative to a risk of error of plus or minus the facts. A news story recounting less facts than the amount of facts that exist does not make a story untrue, it makes it partially untold. If Fox News had 150 hours each day to broadcast, our news would contain more truth, plus and never minus credibility and unbiasedness. The more we broadcast, the more our news is plus the facts. These are facts that Americans need. Real. True.

edit Questions

Fox answers those questions Americans want answered so that their viewers have the impartial questions they want answered and then the answers to the principled questions asked. That's how Fox is changing the way Americans want news and how Fox News bring clarity to everything. Confusion is never an option. Americans are worthy of clarity and Fox gives them that, every night of the year.

edit Criticism

Scathing documentaries, vitriolic books and caustic academics are always trying to bring down fairness and accuracy in the reporting of information. Fox never stoops down to that level. No partial unbalanced force can ever tamper with Fox's respected fairness. Not even once. If Fox doesn't air something, it's dishonest and it would not be fair to air it. Now that's Fox's impartiality! The kind of impartiality we are determined to make Americans want.

edit The future of News and Fox


At Fox News everything is black and white. No grey. That's impartial news.

Who knows what the future holds for news? Fox does. Fox News will always maintain its integrity towards reporting fairness and unbiased impartiality as long as it exists. As long as it exists and as long as there is news which needs to be reported fairly and accurately. Until all Americans learn to see the world as impartially and balancedly as Fox News does, we will be here to make sure that your news arrives from our cameras, travel through your corneas and feed your mind respectability and honesty. Fox News always works by those standards and never deviates from its mandate.It is a mandate to make news the kind of news Americans need in these uncertain times. Fox: clarity, certainty and culpability. The three Cs of real news broadcasting excelence. That's Fox News.

edit See also

edit External links

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Shabidoo/Fox "News" is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
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