User:Shabidoo/Five Easy Steps
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Are you tired of being a deviant misfit? Is provoking people with your differentness getting old? Do you think it's time to stop the act and be as the creator created you to be?
I am pretty sure the answer to all of those is a big yes. If you say no...then you aren't just a blasphemous animal but also a lier. LIER!
Are the numerous bathroom defilings of yourself and some stranger brining you down? Tired of having fat girls as your only friends? Sick of your parents hating you?
Sure you are. And you know you can stop this silliness any time. Becoming normal is easier than making pancakes. Just follow step one and you are literally 99.9% there!
STEP 1: Stop liking guys.
Stuck alone in the elevator with a handsome workmate. Sweet cologne. He asks what floor you are going to and presses the button with his strong hands. He is your buddy, not a substitute for women. Stop getting turned on by stuff like that. If you are ready to not be queer anymore, then don't let handsome guys make you horny. It couldn't be more simple. Stop liking guys.
STEP 2: Tell your friends and family that you went through a phase and it's over.
Some people might not believe you and thats fine. They can live in the same kind of sin you existed in during all those dirty years. Your family will be happy. Amen. You cannot let them down anymore. And so step 1 and step 2 naturally lead to step 3.
STEP 3: Don't let your friends and family down.
Don't even think about dark rooms again. Haven't gotten laid in a while? The thought of an easy romp with a taxi driver getting you hot? Then stop with the nonsense all ready and get your ass to Amsterdam. The most beautiful women in the world...one of them will turn you on. It's cheap, it's clean and it's legal. As Jesus said: If it's legal...then it's okay. Of course it's okay...except if your bent. So don't go to Belgium or Spain because their laws don't count. Go to Amsterdam!
STEP 4: Burry your urges deep down inside.
That place where you burry your pain. It can never get too deep. If you aren't strong enough to be a real man with real man thoughts then put your shameful thoughts deep into that place inside of you. You don't have to act on them if you burry them. Marry an Asian immigrant and act like you love her. God will reward you with a beautiful family and paradise in the after life. You can have everything and anything you want in heaven. That's where your shamefull thoughts go when you bury them deep down inside you. They are waiting for you in heaven.
STEP 5: Go fight in Iraq.
If none of this is working for you then go sign up for war. Prance around all you want, you will get the negative attention you've been asking for from your comrads. Since suicide is not a holy option, going to Iraq is the next best thing. Volunteer for every dangerous mission. Run into the middle of a shooting field and become a marter for the freedom loving world. This is the easiest way to not be a fairy, ending it all in a glorious Christian jehad. And if you take out a few terrorists, god will place you to the left of his throne.
So there you have it. How not to be an embarasement to your peers and an unatural heathen. All of that in just five easy steps. It is a sure fire way to cure you of your rebeliousness and make you one of gods chosen men. Don't choose men, let god choose you.