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|Date of birth||April 9th 1988|
|Marital Status||Fucking SINGLE! AAAARRRGHH!!!|
|Home||Redhill, Surrey, England.|
|Occupation||Person of miraculous enthusiasm|
|Powers||Voice of a thousand klaxons|
“I suppose he's a little intense.”
“YOU'D BET YOUR COCK-FUCKING ASS I AM”
“You are reading an article about Colonel Intense”
“Silence child! ”
“Looks like someone *donning sunglasses* needs to calm down”
“The gene for p53 is considered to be a tumour suppressor gene plop plop plop!”
“I don't like him. I don't want to play with him again”
Colonel Intense (1988-) is a British playwright and superhero, who although usually having the best intentions, has been known to suffer numerous high profile lawsuits through what has been described as "supremely intense levels of negligence". Despite his relatively young age and lack of American ancestors, Colonel Intense has enjoyed a comfortable super-powered life in the spotlight, with British Tabloids dominated by pictures of him punching through things in intense joy.
edit Early Life
Colonel Intense was born in Redhill, Surrey, to a carpenter and a renowned slag. Upon exiting his mother's womb, he high-fived the doctors, and congratulated his father for not being infertile with a friendly punch on the shoulder. None survived.
Orphaned after only three minutes of living in life, he was forced to move in with his uncle, who worked as a Radioactive waste disposal expert. At the age of two, after successfully dismantling his uncles house brick by brick through intense curiosity, his last remaining blood relative was forced to take him to work with him. Despite being told to wait in the car, Colonel Intense (then a mere Lance Corporal) had an overwhelmingly intense thirst come over him. Exiting the vehicle, he ran to the nearest container, drinking its contents. The intense radiation in turn amplified his own intense tangents of extreme enthusiasm and rage. None survived.
edit Rise to fame
Following the deaths of all known blood relatives and half the population of Dorking, Surrey, Lance Corporal Intense decided to hit the road, drifting from town to town in search of a purpose; something in which he could manifest his power for good. It was here he struck up a friendship with Major Marijuana, a fellow drifter who like Intense was looking for a purpose to which he could put his paranoia and lethargy to good use. This would prove to be the low point of Intense's career, as Major Marijuana has been known to offer free narcotics to many people. Even as he said "FUCK ME THIS SHIT IS FUCKIN' OFF THE CHART, SERIOUSLY FUCK ME IN THE EYESOCKET IT'S THAT GOOD" to the marijuana "joint" that the Major handed to him, he could already feel his powers being leeched out of him. After realizing his intense power was being sapped from him, Intense parted ways with Marijuana after a largely violent encounter in which Intense has been quoted as saying "I PUNCHED HIM IN THE CHEST SO HARD, I LITERALLY PUNCHED HIM IN HIS FUCKING HEART! THE FUCKING BLOOD, THE FUCKING BLOOD!". Marijuana later recovered from this encounter after six months in intensive care, later requesting to "...not be in a ward that was so intense". In several Television interviews, including the last ever interview hosted by Jeremy Beadle, Marijuana has said that "You know, if I see that guy again, you know, whatshisname, I might like, punch him or something. Depends you know? It's all pretty heavy". As of March 2010, no such action by Marijuana has been taken.
After a brief but bloody vacation to Austria, Intense promoted himself from Lance Corporal to Colonel through a self invented ceremony which involved a loud speaker, Red Bull, competitive weight lifting, and strapping himself to a rocket and flying to Wales. With his new rank, Colonel Intense began his career as a superhero.
However, his endeavours soon earned him a reputation of villainy. The most controversial of his cases involved his successful conclusion of the War on Terror on 3rd February, 2011, which involved giving all armed forces on both sides nothing but sugar and raw coffee to eat, resulting in Extreme Diabetes and being silly. The resulting 2,451,967 lawsuits led to Colonel Intense stealing two tanks, strapping one to each foot, and "roller-skating" through the Channel Tunnel and through France whilst singing the hits of Barry Manilow with extra expletives through the cone of a nuclear warhead, stopping occasionally to intensely berate local women with sexual pleas before concluding his journey to Switzerland. None survived.
edit Later years
As of late, Intense has mainly been involved with the Large Hadron Collider, employed as a proton, and using his intense speed and willpower to propel him through the tunnels and collide with the opposing matter. None survived. It has recently been announced that Colonel Intense will appear on ITV's "I'm A PC, Get Me Out Of Here!". In an interview with The Daily Mail about his upcoming television appearance, his first in three months since news broadcasts, he said "FUCKING MACS, FUCK APPLE, FUCK STEVE JOBS, I'M A PC, AND I CAN SURF THE INTERNET WHILE LISTENING TO MY MUSIC AND PUNCHING SOMEONE IN THE THROAT SO HARD THAT THEIR HEAD NEEDS A VASE TO STAND UPRIGHT. I NEED MORE VASES FOR MY COLLECTION OF HEADS".
It is expected that few if not none will survive.