User:ScottPat/Second World War

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Second World War
Type World War
Date 1938/1939/1941-1945
Location The Second World
Result Allied Victory
Combatants
Great Britain, France, USA, USSR, Austria, Czechoslovakia, Germany, Japan, Italy
Commanders
Winston Churchill, Eisenhower Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini

The Second World War was a major world conflict that occured during the 20th Century. Dates for the commencement of the war depend on which country is asked, with China and Japan starting the ball rolling in 1936, Germany clipping the heels of its neighbours from 1938, before the referee blew the whistle for the official kick off in 1939, with the the USSR and USA coming off the subs bench later in the match when France had refused to keep playing and Poland had been carried off the pitch in several pieces. Most Europeans shook hands after 1945, with only Japan continuing to play on into injury time. A replay was expected and Europe reorganised itself into new teams that continued to practice for renewed fun until 1990.

edit Build-up to the War

Hitlerboss01

Hitler prepares for war but first he needs an urgent blitzkreig in the Schiessenhaus.

Germany was a very sore loser after First World War. When people finished blaming Kaiser Wilhelm for what went wrong, it became a country looking for a new hero. The Weiner Republic which had been set up by a socialist sausage salesman Friedrich Ebert in 1919, had staggered along for 14 years. In 1933 President Paul von Hindenberg, an ex-Prussian general who wasn't sure what century he was in, brought in Adolf Hitler to fill the job of valet. In the confusion of the time, Hitler was appointed Chancellor and within two years had punctured Hindenberg and ate what was left of the Weiner Republic for breakfast.

Hitler said the FIrst World War result was a lie, a conspiracy involving Communists, Jews, Homosexuals, hairdressers and Gypsies who had hoodwinked the German people into surrendering. He created the Third Reich and brought in new fashion line in Nazi chic under the direction of Hugo Boss. This made Germany 'cool' in the 1930s and imitated the Italian way with their dressy up Fascist tailoring. Standing together, Hitler and Benito Mussolini challenged the penguin suited British and French to match that style (the Bolsheviks were anti-fashion and so didn't count). With a lot of sparkly military uniforms, HItler now prepared to dismantle the Versailles treaty and have a replay of the 1914-1918 match.

Hitlerchaplin01

Hitler and Chaplin.

In Britain, there was surprised that Hitler wanted to have another go. To them Hitler looked like the guy who came last in a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest and that he was a former Austrian born pavement artists with hideous B.O. convinced them that this 'chap' was no threat. The French were busy chasing their mistresses whilst Joseph Stalin was running through a long list of people who had felt had insulted him or treated him like a lump of Georgian turd. He would be busy too.

So Germany re-started their factories and churned out various top quality munitions to fight a future war. By 1938 Hitler had annexed his home country and demaned Czechoslovakia be put in his doggy bag. The British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain decided the 'Hitler Chappie' had gone too far and insisted on a meeting. He brought along the French Prime Minister of the day Edouard Daladier whilst Mussolini crashed the party in Munich. No invitation was sent to Stalin as it was thought he was too busy shooting people.

This meeting lead to the Munich Agreement which finished with the words..."...and Herr Hitler promises to never never never to claim another country.." and a signed piece of paper inside a tin of peas. Chamberlain waved this around. It was going to be Peas in Our Time. A few months later Hitler sent a note...."remember that thing we did in Munich back in 38, can we add Poland to my demands and then I will sign it again." Chamberlain was appalled at this lack of manners. He instructed his advisers to warn Poland who came back and said they had signed a military alliance with that country..as had France.

Hitler saw this as English double dealing. Then he had an idea to scare everyone to death. An alliance between Germany and the Soviet Union. HItler was hardline anti-Communist but admired Stalin as the latter killed everyone who had been in the Bolshevik party when Vladimir Lenin was alive. So in August 1939 Hitler and Stalin agreed terms but declined to meet in person in case that would 'confuse simple people'.

edit Invasion of Poland

“Peas for our time”
~ Neville Chamberlain on the vegetarian menu available at the Berchesgarten.

0n the night of August 31st 1939, a band of Polish soldiers on their way to a war themed fancy dress party, lost their way in the evening mist and crossed into Germany. Hitler said this was an invasion and sent the entire German army to invade.

The Polish army had long expected an attack from the West and had prepared carefully. The Germans had invested in tanks and aircraft. The Poles had spent their money on horses that gallop faster than a bullet. Waves of Polish cavalry rode towards the German panzer s and tried to kill the drivers with a lance thrust. Only when they ran out of horses did the Poles change tactics but then Russia invaded from the East and that was it.

Polish leader Jozef Beck was very happy when Britain and France declared war on September 3rd but when nothing else happened from his so called allies, Beck took his army to Romania to recruit vampires but they could only fight at night. Beck stayed amongst the blood suckers whilst Poland was carved up like a bondage turkey.

edit Phoney War

With Germany having crushed and diced Poland like a somewhat over-ripe carrot and Russia having sorted the remains the immediate cause of war was settled. In the spirit of gaiety and conciliation for which he was to become famous Hitler telegraphed both Neville Chamberlain and Édouard Daladier:

'Forget dumb Polaks STOP Come ski-ing at Berchesgarten STOP We have Gluhwein STOP Hope you like hot-tubs STOP'

When this failed to provoke a response he telephoned both leaders, offering free access to his holiday photo-album compiled at the Freikörperkultur naturist resorts of Rostock and the Bay of Wismar. Goebbels also phoned to promise "lots of sexy frauleins. All blondes. Maybe some boys too. Nice boys, if you know what I mean. I'm not that into girls myself."

Hitler later said he received a 'lot of heavy breathing' down the phone from Winston Churchill, leading to the name of the Phoney War as the war leaders exchanged calls threatening what they would do with each other if they got their hands on each others trousers.

This period of the war went on for months and Hitler's offer might well have successfully tempted Daladier had images of Eva Braun wearing a bikini not been published in Paris Match. Hitler was furious and Daladier said to be appalled at the prospect of sharing a Jacuzzi with "zis sausage-chomping fishwife whose legs have been no closer to ze razor zan 'er boyfriends top lip". While the arrangements for the Berchesgarten summit were still in negotiation, First Lord of the Admiralty, Churchill, enjoyed himself sinking German shipping whilst the French indulged in the national sport: back-stabbing. Daladier was replace as Prime Minister by Paul Reynauld in March 1940 but was no keener than his predecessor on hairy German girls. Chamberlain had meantime decided that war with Germany wasn't enough fun and began preparations to attack the Soviet Union on the assumption that war on two fronts would be at least twice as entertaining.

However, in May 1940 Hitler moved first and sent his armies into Western Europe. Desperately Chamberlain called Hitler and asked if he " wouldn't mind calling all his chaps back, at least until the Cricket season was over'". As proof of good faith he agreed to come over that weekend and promised to bring a thirty gallon tub of bikini wax. Hitler put the phone down. The phoney war was over and Chamberlain lost his holiday and then his job.

edit Invasion of Western Europe

The Germans gave little ponder for thought about where they were going to turn their war machine next - France. The country who stole so much from them in the last war. One of the large greviances between the Germans had was the fact that thanks to France's Empire, French cuisine had become more widely known and thus more respected than the German cuisine. Adolf Hitler could not stand this. If there was one thing he dispised more than Jews it was frogs legs hopping about on his plate. Thus Hitler began preparing for the invasion of France. He borrowed the invincible Schlieffen Plan from the First World War, knowing that it would not fail the superior German army this time and he gave extra rations of sausages to all German troops that were to occupy France so that they did not have to eat the local food.

On 10th May 1940 German Panzers rolled over the Dutch-German border and into the Low Countries. The Dutch fearing the worst painted their carrotts brown so that they could hold them up as pretend sausages and therefore make the invading Germans believe that they were still in Germany and not in Holland. This largely saved the citizens of Eastern Holland however by the time the Germans had reached the North-West of Holland they realised that the country was too flat to be Germany.

edit Battle of Britain

In June 1940, the French waved the white flag and surrendered to Hitler. Some French carried on the war by moving to London with Charles DeGaulle and a five year supply of snails and garlic. Winston Churchill was grateful for their support but made sure he kept them in the dark about what his plans were. Since these involved sinking the French fleet if they didn't join the British navy, it was a wise decision.

Britain and the Commonwealth were now alone in their war with Germany and Italy. The Americans promised some under the counter help to Churchill in exchange for writing off the British empire to them. Churchill agreed but made a note that he 'wouldn't do that over his dead body'.

Hitler made a speech offering to end the war on his terms. Churchill sent back a letter full of cigar ash with a photo of him giving the two fingered salute. The German leader ordered Heinrich Himmler to attack Britain with the airborne flatulence known as the Luftwaffe.

edit Italy's War

In 1922 Benito Mussolini became Prime Minister of Italy through the sheer force of his chin-line. Known as Il Duckie for his love of camp uniforms he soon impressed at home and abroad with the energy of his government and his unusual interest in railway punctuality. Within months of taking office he had become the most popular Italian premier on record by enacting populist labour legislation and interning all opposition. Having triumphed at home he turned his attention to foreign affairs, determined to restore the glories of the Roman Empire despite being hampered by a lack of Germanic auxiliaries and the resistance of modern Italians to accept the benefits of regular bathing.

Mussolini Articles

Il Duckie touting for trade prior to becoming dictator of Italy.

Never one to start slowly, Mussolini’s troops were soon ordered to occupy all 240 square miles of Corfu (pop. 12). With this triumph behind him he overthrew the government of another regional power, Albania, setting up a puppet regime which was particularly popular with Albanian pre-schoolers, as was the theme tune played each time the puppets appeared to address the Albanian parliament. Libya had long been of interest to Italian governments and Mussolini consolidated his grip, finding that the Libyan people were fond of effeminate looking dictators in comedy outfits. A large naval base was set up to fulfill his dream of establishing the Mediterranean as “Mare Nostrum” – “Our sea” . Architect of this policy, Admiral Franco Di Steffano, was later sacked and executed when it became clear that he had failed to inform Il Duckie that four pedalos and an inflatable frog were unlikely to be able to match the strength of either Britain’s Royal Navy or the French Corps du Kayak. Ultimately, however, Di Steffano’s fate rested on the decision to build the naval base on the island of Leros, within the territory of another mighty power, Greece - an idea has since been adopted by for the USA’s torture-outreach centre in Guantanamo Bay.

Frustrated by their set-backs in Europe, in 1935 Italy set out to regain prestige by demonstrating its force of arms further abroad. The world sat back in admiration as Italian forces armed only with light tanks, dive-bombers and automatic weaponry over-ran the forces of ancient Abyssinia in a mere seven months despite some of Emperor Haile Selassie’s troops being issued with spears over five feet long. The applause of fellow European nations was muted only as a result of their sitting on their hands at the subsequent League of Nations Abyssinian crisis talks.

Allying himself with Adolf Hitler allowed Mussolini to look less ridiculous in public and supporting General Franco during the Spanish Civil war allowed the Italian air-force to gain vital experience of slaughtering donkeys from the air. However, Italy was being drawn ever closer to Nazi Germany, raising little objection to its anschluss with Austria (1938), occupation of Czechoslovakia (1938-39) or its seizure of Swiss Bratwurst factories in 1937. When Hitler invaded France the Italian military saw its chance to regain control of “traditional Italian territory” around Nice and invaded with all the force at Marshall Bagdolio’s command. 700,000 troops crossed the border, meeting with initial success until stopped at the Alpine line by the combined chalet-maids of Chamonix and Annecy.

General Grazziani decided to apply the lessons learned fighting stone-age opposition in Abyssinia to fighting the British Army in Egypt. Sadly, sacrificing chickens and smearing their blood across the foreheads of his troops turned out to be little defense against the armoured corps of the Eighth army. Hampered by only outnumbering the opposition by 3 to 1 the Italians were quickly forced back to Sidi Barrani where they were rescued by the intervention of the Wehrmacht’s Afrika Corps, which they supported by deserting en masse until the remaining Italian troops were evacuated to Sicily in time to desert to Patton’s invading troops in July 1943. An armistice was signed with the allied powers in July, with elements of the Italian army being organised in co-belligerent units to fight in opposition to the Germans, giving the Italian army the unique experience of capitulating to both sides in the same month.

edit North Africa

Main article: North African Campaign

The North African Campaign was the main theatre for the British Army during the Second World War. Refusing to keep the ball in play on the European Continent, Britain and Italy stuck to making a run down the wing around the German and Russian (respectively) midfielders. Soon other players cottoned on to the idea and the USA and Germany joined in with the pincer attacks. Russia itself had a failed push on the opposing wing, through Scandinavia, which was beaten off by a rather muscular left-back Finnish player.

After showing off some rather remarkable dribbling skills, rushing back and forth along the sideline of the pitch, Britain pushed through and Italy ran off to defend its goal. When the Italians failed to defend their goal and saw most of their players imprisoned or laughed out of their jobs, the Germans arrived under the leadership of Erwin Rommel - a.k.a. - The 'Dessert Fox' for his love of full bodied, Black Forest Trifles.

edit Battle of the Atlantic

Ever since the start of the war Churchill had desperately calling for the Americans to intervene and stop the brutal dictatorship that had swallowed up Europe, which was odd considering the usual outcome of American intervention to stop a dictator. Nevertheless Britain attempted to send thousands of ships over to America each day to desperately beg for food and supplies from their friends across the water. Unbeknownst to the Americans this scheme was simply part of the greater British plan to invade America through culture in the 1960s so the Americans feeling sorry for the British in their Third-World, autocratically-ruled, backward country gave them money and supplies generously.

The Germans latched onto the British plan quite quickly and fearing that Britain would invade the USA before Germany could, they attempted to stop the trade between the two countries. The German Kriegsmarine was ordered to concentrate its maximum effort on recking havoc among the North Atlantic shipping and preventing any communication between the USA and Great Britain. The effort was later described by Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound, the First Sea Lord at the time, "like trying to stab a hippo to death with a safety pin." The elaborate German scheme failed and instead of preventing the invasion of the USA, the USA completely misunderstood the German motives and invaded Germany in 1944.

The Battle of the Atlantic was on-going throughout the war from 1940 until when the German ports were captured by the Russians in 1945. However many U-Boats refused to return to port for fear of being captured by the Russians and poorly treated. Therefore many remaining U-Boats met up and sailed North, under the Arctic Ice Sheet, where they built a secret Nazi Arctic base, similar in layout to the secret Nazi base on the Moon.

edit Invasion of Russia

HitlerRussia01

Right on the schnozzer.

Joseph Stalin knew there was something wrong with his relationship with Hitler when the German leader didn't take his 'Happy Birthday Aldo' phone call in April 1941. According to Frau Truffels (his personal cake baker), Hitler did take an international call from someone who then proceeded to emit a very audible farting sound down the line. She said Hitler had screamed and ranted - it being known that he suffered from extreme flatulence - and had said 'we'll see who has the biggest arse trumpet in Europe.'

Typically, Stalin blamed Britain for Germany's apparent cold response and in turn, he declined to listen to anyone from that country warning his empire was about to be invaded. So when on June 22nd 1941, Stalin was in his country retreat (a dacha, a sort of Soviet log cabin) and in the midst of a vodka drinking session with his closet cronies. For seven days Stalin said nothing as the Germans and their allies rolled over and surrounded countless divisions of the Red Army.

The Russians threw everything at the Germans - including their infamous suicide dog brigade. The explosive loaded dogs forced a retreat but that was against their own tanks - thanks to a mishap in previous training methods. The dogs had been trained to run under Russian tanks with their lethal charge. German tanks evidently smelt differently. Cities quickly fell or entire armies were isolated and forced to surrender. The Germans picked up Stalin's own son Yakov in one such campaign. Hitler expected Stalin to plead for his own son's life but when it came to being ruthless, Hitler was a shrinking violet compared to the dour Georgian bolshevik. Stalin said 'nyet dice' and so Yakov stayed in a prison camp.

edit Japan invades everywhere

In Tokyo, Germany's rapid expansion and war against Russia should have enticed them to have another go at the Soviet Union. The Japanese army thought so but the Japanese navy wanted to head in the opposite direction. The sailors won out against the soldiers.

Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto was confident the Japanese could knock over European empires. Since 1940 they were 'peace keeping' in French Indochina (given up without a shot by the Vichy French) and looked poised to take on the British and Dutch East Indies at any time of their choosing. The Japanese dismissed the Australians and New Zealanders as fighters for living in countries with too many sheep (two and the four legged variety). Only the Americans bothered them but Yamamoto believed that if an attack on Pearl Harbor was arranged on the same day as an ultimatum was to be sent, he would catch Uncle Sam with his pants down in some sleazy brothel.

On the 7th December 1941 the Japanese airforce attacked the US Fleet at anchor in Pearl Harbor. Many American soldiers and sailors thought they watching a live action Hollywood movie until they saw their ships on fire or sinking. There was no warning, no time outs or advertising breaks and then the Japanese were gone. In Washington, a frantic President Franklin D. Roosevelt fast wheeled his way about the White House crying 'Infamy, infamy, those despicable Japs have got it in for me.'

edit Germans Freeze in their boots

Operation Barbossa was the Wehrmacht's plan to create a trilogy of films about a pirate Captain and his adventures. Unfortunately for them, another anti-Semitic organization had beaten them to it and the name Barbossa became a trademark. Thus the Wehrmacht went back to its usual duty of coming up with evil plans for world domination which could be tampered with by Hitler to make sure that they ended in disaster.

edit Dieppe Raid and Dam Busters

Little is known about the Dieppe Raid.

The dashingly heroic men of 633 squadron, swapped aircraft and renamed their squadron with a number no one can remember thanks to the success of the original 633 squadron attack.

edit D-Day

Main article: Battle of Normandy

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