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The British Legal System

This legal system is based mainly on hereditary background and tradition than on proper evidence. More time is spent on working out what connections you have to royalty and how valid they are and less time spent on hearing witnesses.

It pits the might of the jury and the prosecution against the defendant. The final decision is made by a select panel of 12 juries all from middle class backgrounds living in the South-East of England as they are the only people able to afford missing a few days off work. The jury can decide whether the defendant is guilty or not guilty or they can make an inconclusive decision and stall for time so that the defendant has to pay even more to his lawyer.

The Judge is incharge of the precedings at court and he chooses the sentence to be given to the defendant. The maximum sentence he can give is a £1000 fine as if he demanded more money it would have to be taxed and there are no prison spaces left to accomadate any more defendants criminals. Although the maxim fine is reserved for genocide en masse and human rights atrocities. A normal murderer would expect to be fined £800.

After the opening traditional ceremonies the court begins its fourth day in session where the defendant swears that he/she will tell, "most of the truth and exagerate the truth to the point at which it becomes a lie," in the name of the crown and the country. After swearing this oath the defendant is released on bail allowing enough time for him/her to escape out of the country (or to an Ethiopian embassy) until the police escort finally bothers to turn up at his/her residency and find the defendant missing. UK border agency is then alerted that a criminal is on the lose before their computer systems "have a failure" and can't track him. A politician will then stand up and make a speech about how regretful it is that the criminal got away and then make a comment such as, "Well at least he won't be helping overcrowding in prisons."

It is a mistake to believe that the British Judicial System has no death penalty. The penalty for treason or for being Julian Assange is still the traditional "hang, draw and quarter" however with recent government cuts this has been changed to "hang, draw and halve."

Advantages:

  • Solves prison overcrowding problems.
  • Its cheap.
  • Keeps the poor lawyers rich and well-fed.
  • Retains a British over-bureaucratic style where nothing gets done and there's a lot of blame and apolagising.
  • Not that many people are punished by death.

Disadvantages:

  • None. It may upset innocent, poor people who can't afford bail and escape the country but apart from that the system is flawless.

Benefits:

  • Lords, barons, Prince Harry, Prince Andrew.
  • Middle class tax-avoiders.
  • Good old British criminals that everybody likes like Robin Hood and the Italian Job gang.
  • Tony Blair and other war criminals.
  • Upstanding, well-spoken gentlemen.
  • The Falkland Islanders.
  • The Anglican Church.

Lets Down:

  • Julian Assange.
  • Immigrants.
  • Poor people (60% of population).
  • Gordon Brown (when we finally catch him).
  • The Welsh, the Scots, the Irish and any colonial natives.
  • The Catholic Church.
  • Republicans.
  • Disabled people, who can't run to escape out of the country.
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