User:ScottPat/Emu War

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“We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Western Australia, we shall fight on the Great Barrier Reef and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength on Aires Rock, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight in the desert, we shall fight on the Emu nesting grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving to the evil Emu cause, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the Australian Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, all the bloody Emus will die.”
~ Winston Churchill's famous speech on the Emu War.

The Emu War was a war fought between the country of Australia and a flock of Emus. It is still remembered in Australia today as the greatest defeat ever incurred on the Australian nation and her subjects. It was fought on the 2nd to the 8th November 1932 between 20,000 emus under the command of Lord High Emu and 2 soldiers of the 7th Heavy Battery, Royal Australian Artillery under the command of Major G.P.W. Meredith. Each soldier was equipped with a Lewis Machine Gun, 10,000 rounds of ammunition and both had received an award in clay pigeon shooting.

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edit Reasoning Behind the War

Emus were seen as a pest in Western Australia as they were able to duck whenever a boomerang was thrown at them and the Australian Emu hunters therefore could never catch them. The Royal Australian Cavalry had demanded Emu feathers to place in their hats so that they could could look pretty when charging into battle. Therefore there was high demand for killing these Emus and the whole of Western Australia had been put on red Emu alert. This meant that the Primeminister of Australia enforced Marshall Law and cut off any trade or connections outside Australia. This was so that no support could reach the Emu invaders in what became known as the Emu Crisis of 32.

edit The Battle of Campion


The Grand Emu army approaches the battlefield.

The Australians were very sure that they could give a crushing blow to the Emus here so they set up their lewis machine guns in hope for some Emus to appear. When the Emus came, they came in their hundreds. The machine gunners started blasting away. The Emus however had other ideas and simply ran at 40mph away from the machine gun fire. The machine gun rounds that did hit the Emus did not seem to hinder them until the Emu had been hit about ten times. After a hard days work sitting at machine gun posts and blast firing away at birds the Aussie soldiers had expended 1000 rounds and killed 12 Emus. Things weren't looking good as they had wasted a tenth of their ammunition on killing three fivethousandths of their enemy's troops.

On the next day the troops headed further South as using logic they worked out that the further South you go in Australia, the more upside down you become so when the Emus tried to duck when fired at they couldn't as they were standing upside down so gravity pulled their heads away from the ground. This genius measure was put to the test in the Battle of Meredith, named after the major himself. After the first blast of the lewis guns was fired the Emus worked out the range of these guns and simply moved out of that range. As the machine guns were very heavy, fixed to the ground and couldn't be fired while running along they couldn't hit the Emus when the Emus were out of range. Therefore a stalemate ensued for the rest of the day. Meredith also realised that the sneaky birds had surrounded him and his positions cutting the three soldiers off from the outside World.

edit A Change in Tactics

Meredith needed to use his brain to compete to the standards of military strategy the Emu birdbrains had set. He had to make the most cunning military tactics ever devised by the Human race. He wasn't facing any old Napoleon or Alexander, he was facing a bunch of Emus but he was still determined to win.

Meredith reformed the whole of the Western Australian army and invented the motor battalion. He did this by buying an old truck of a farmer for two quid and strapping the machine guns, one on either side, to it. This way the guns could fire while the truck was moving. This was a huge step forward for modern warfare and would have been improved on if the following failures hadn't happened.

edit The Battle of The Eighth of November

Meredith's new tactic was put into action. A group of Emus was spotted drinking out of a local reservoir. He sent the new motor battalion, composed of himself, a truck, two soldiers and a farmer truck driver, hurtling at the Emus. As soon as they were in range the lewis gvuns opened fire. Bullets sprayed everywhere and the lewis guns had no aim as the truck's suspension was a bit off. Two Emus were killed in this run and about thirty in the next run. Emus could also easily out run the truck as the truck's max speed was about 15mph. The Emus soon learnt that the truck was no threat and preceded to run into it at full speed which did more damage to the truck than the Emu. Meredith assesed the situation and realised the only way forward was not to use the reverse gear. The truck drove as fast as it could (not very fast) away from the Emus and the battle was officially over.

edit The War Ends

For some reason the Australian government was teased at commiting itself into an official war with birds. It therefore decided to withdraw all military support and spending from the Emu War and declared the war officially over. However this was never agreed with the Emus, who still believe the war is still in progress even today. The Australian Government have put a ban on any human activity in a fifty mile radius of Emuland in Western Australia. Anyone who meets an Aussie Emu is advised not to run as the Emu will catch you but to simply coerse it further South for the forementioned reasons. The figures at the end of the war summed up to 9,600 rounds of ammunition used and 960 Emus killed. Two farmers were lost on the Aussie side. The Emus in Emuland celebrate National Emu day every year on the 8th November where they invite the Aussie rugby team over for a match. The Emus have gone unbeaten in the rugby match since the event first begun.

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