User:ScottBurnan/The X Factor

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“I Quit!”
~ Louis Walsh on The X Factor (Series 2, 3, 4 and 5)

The X Factor (also known as Simon Cowell's House Payment) is an ingenious 4 month advertising campaign disguised as an addictive Reality TV talent competition. The idea was stolen from the creator of Pop Idol devised by evil genius, Simon Cowell, to make himself even richer, so that he can afford yet another luxurious house, screw even younger models and pay for his hourly teeth whitening costs.

edit The Scheme

The scheme works by selecting a bunch of "talented" singers with exaggerated sob stories, exposing them to the british public every week on TV and letting the public pay good money to "vote" for their favourite. At Christmas, after 4 months of crying and butchering the same old songs that have already been covered thousands of times before, the "best singer", who coincidently is always the one with the most sex appeal, is then selected as the winner by the producers. They then release a crappy cover version of an equally crappy song which, because of all the exposure the "artist" has gained on the show, is guaranteed to reach number one in the charts, outselling the number two by millions. Afterwards, the winner is never seen or heard from again and Simon Cowell spends several weeks rolling in cash and masturbating over his own reflection before flying to America in his private Harrier Jet to do the same thing over there.

In order to maximise the exposure of the singers, and therefore sell as many copies of the winners single as possible, the show producers often make up controversial stories as publicity stunts. Examples include the group that lied about not having a record deal, the 15 year old girl who was disqualified after videos of her fucking another girl were uploaded to YouTube and the transexual child molester who killed his entire family and lost his virginity to a goat.

edit Judges


Sharon throwing acid over Louis.

Simon Cowell - Rich, arrogant, soulless, vein asshole whose only redeeming feature is his honesty, which is considered nastiness by all of the delusional, talentless whiners.


Simon recieving oral under the table.

Sharon Osbourne - The fucking wife of Ozzy fucking Osbourne. "Left" after series 4 because she was too old. Once threw hydrochloric acid over Louis Walsh, an act which won the show a British Comedy Award.

Louis Walsh - Manager of Westlife. Need I say more?

Danni Minogue - In an effort to compete with the ratings of rival BBC show "Strictly Come Dancing", the show producers decided they needed to appeal more to the horny male and gay demographics by adding a younger, sexier judge with a gay fanbase. Simon Cowell spent the entire fourth series flirting with her and "helping her cope with the stress". She only judges a few auditions in series five. The rest of the time, she's under the table giving oral to Simon.

Cheryl Cole - Vegetarian Girls Aloud singer who replaced Sharon. Brought in solely for eye candy. Makes Danni look like Louis.

Brian Friedman - "Who?" ... Briefly replaced Louis in Series 4 after he was "sacked", another one of the shows many publicity stunts.

edit Notable Contestants

Leon McJackson - A Karate master from Scotland. Has no talent whatsoever and only won because of his good looks and Scottish accent. Rumoured to be playing the eleventh incarnation of the Doctor.

Leona Lewis - A potential rape victim who talks really quietly. The only contestant to actually have a somewhat successful career. Simon Cowell has tried (and failed) to seduce her over two hundred times.

Shayne Ward - Eunuch shoesalesman from Manchester. Has a vocal range that makes Matt Bellamy look like Barry White. Actually released an original song for his winners single but seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth since then.

Rhydian "Admiral Peroxide" Roberts - Blatantly gay rugby player with bleached hair. Performed a song by the Village People while in full navy uniform aswell as several songs from musicals. Got all the way to the final before coming out of the closet and revealing that he was in fact Welsh. Not suprisingly, it went all downhill from there.

Same Difference - Incestual siblings on LSD. Sung aload of cheesy love songs to eachother. The less effeminate one (the sister) cried in the semi-final before being "cheered up" by her "best friend".

MC Chico - Moroccan entertainer who sings, strips and herds goats; sometimes all at the same time. Wrote his own signature song "It's Chico Time" which knocked Madonna off the top of the charts. Living proof that Simon Cowell could turn even the most tone deaf of individuals into superstars if he wanted to.

edit Auditions


Stand on the X.

If there's any part of the competition that's even remotely entertaining, it's the auditions.


A typical X Factor auditionee.

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