From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
In the early days of the internet, a faction of new users began to form, calling itself the n00bs. The n00bs had a lifestyle that was vastly different from the lifestyles of those who then resided in the internet. Existing internet factions, in particular the geeks, netizens, and Al Gore looked down upon the n00bs as pathetic lowlifes. The geeks later changed the name of their faction to the hackers, and, upon the invention of 1337, again changed their name to the h4xx0rz. Growing hostilities against the n00b faction, which would later come to be known as "biting", caused an outgrowth of n00b resentment, and the n00b faction came under widespread condemnation. The n00bs, in an attempt to prove they could do more than be idiots and flame, engaged in, well, idiotic flaming to counter the accusations of the netizens and h4xx0rz.
edit Events Leading to the War
Signs of imminent conflict began appearing in the 1990's shortly after the h4Xx0rz' increasing misuse of 1337 to evade discovery by chatroom moderators and admins. As a result, stringent chatroom rules were formulated, including an all-new "report abuse" feature. The n00bs took advantage of these new rules to persistently tattle on the older netizens and h4xx0rz, and get them banned from the Internet. The increasing awareness of "Cyberbullying"-a term coined due to some people actually having nervous breakdowns after chatting with the h4xx0rz-further dented the h4xx0r's crusades against the n00bs, for not only were they banned from chatrooms, but were also arrested and fined. The n00bs, with their squeaky-clean records (they were newcomers, after all), ensured that these new rules could never be used against them. Hence, the more stringent policing by admins and the actual police drove most of the netizens and h4xx0rz into hiding, paving the way for the n00bs to take over. The n00bs adopted their own version of 1337 as a testament to their victory over the h4Xx0rz. Because of the vast n00b intelligence withheld by the intricate n00bnet, and the superior grammatical skills of those who followed an outlawed religion called "Intellect," the n00bs declared any other ethnicity or culture obsolete and "t3h suxx0rz."
When asked by underground followers of Intellect why they didn't have a share in the internet, the common n00b response was "bcuz im uber1337 nd ill pwnz j00."
This response was typical of the sentiments of n00bs during the pwnzj00 genocide, in which the h4Xx0r and Intellect minorities were systematically eliminated from the Internet domain due to the n00bs becoming elected as admins and abusing their powers to ban them. However, despite the intense efforts set forth by the n00b forumers, a small Intellect population remained in the depths of what was known as IRC. The n00bs' superior knowledge of all things computer did not stretch to the lengths of IRC (Internet Relay Chat), and therefore the Intellects would thrive for thousands of chatroom sessions until the year before the year of the 1337, when a n00b scout stumbled upon a link hidden in the depths of a massive online forum, onto which the n00bs had been posting without actually reading it, that read, "Come here if you are smart."
This accidentally discovered doorway into the Intellect world of IRC provided n00b authorities, known as the Pol33s, a peeking hole through which the n00bs could exploit and destroy the remaining Intellects. By this time, though, n00b scientists, or "rly smrt 1s," had concluded that the Intellects had devolved so much so that they were using words like "The" and "really" [this word especially offended the n00b scientists].
As a result of the Intellect "inferiority", or "fr00bness" as the n00bs called it, the n00b Prezdnt declared hostility against all Intellects. It was shortly after this that the n00b r0xx0r occurred.
edit The War
Under the curtain of the IRC, the Intellect had been rallying their forces. They had formed a secret underground alliance with the h4Xx0rz. The Intellect warriors, the Intelurai, had developed a style of combat based off of that of the ancient Japanese samurais and Latin Ninjas they used to play as in online video games. The h4Xx0rs had created advanced new weapons such as STFU Rockets, AFK-47s, and USUX-UZIs, also using APCLOLs as their primary vehicle, and challenged the n00bs to fight them in Counter-Strike style shootouts. The makers of Counter-Strike were totally neutral in their position, and were only to happy to provide a platform for the n00b r0xx0r to be fought in while they counted their money. The Intellect and h4Xx0r weaponry was much stronger than the weapons of the much less developed n00b army. The n00bs carried OMG Pistols and Fag Grenades and flew ROFLCopters, technology that dated as far back as the year that took place 5 years before the year of the 1337. But the Intellect and h4Xx0r forces (The Inth4x alliance) were severely outnumbered, and stood little chance against the n00b army. Their base was defended, but the Inth4x alliance could do little else and were forced to abruptly leave the game and hope that no one noticed them logging out. They also renamed their IRC channel as IRC2, knowing fully well that the n00bs would come for them. And sure enough, the n00bs began the manufacture of net-surfing machines that would operate while the n00bs were AFK. The surfbots were extremely primitive and prone to errors, yet they where considered the top notch n00b technology; Surfbots operated by starting on Google, and clicking every single link on the page by opening it in a new tab, and then continuing to click every link possible in those tabs, until either they found Intellect or h4Xx0r minorities, or their browser crashed from lag. In this event, the N00bs would restart the browsing application and go watch Naruto. The surfbots are widely regarded as a lazy and ineffective way of searching, however the n00bs took this as a compliment since what they strive for is to be lazy and ineffective. The conflict ended on a poor note; the Intellect and h4Xx0r populations went into hiding without even as much as a ceasefire.
edit The End of the n00b r0xx0r
Nearly 9 decades after that beginning of the n00b r0xx0r, a h4Xx0r diplomat by the name of of Ph473 arrived at the gates of IRC3, the Intellect stronghold that had once again been relocated due to encroaching n00b surfbot patrols. ph3473 presented a plan to the Intellect population: if the two factions combined their technology, it would be possible to render both strongholds completely and totally impervious to n00b attacks. The Intellect were the skilled creators of the best firewall technology, but construction of a firewall would most certainly alert the n00b surfbots to their location; the surfbots would then be able to destroy the firewall before it was activated. The h4Xx0rz could create an EMP virus that would infect the n00b mainframe and shut all n00bs offline temporarily. In exchange for the firewall technology, the h4Xx0rz promised to time the detonation of the EMP virus with the construction of firewalls around the h4Xx0r and Intellect strongholds. The Intellect vote returned in nearly unanimous support for this plan, and ph3473 and the Intellect sealed the deal.
The plan went flawlessly. The EMP virus hit every single Naruto, Habbo Hotel, Runescape, Adventure Quest and Gaia Online website on the Internet at August 10, 13457 rendering n00bs everywhere completely unconnected and unable to get back on since their homepages where either narutofan.com or www.gaiaonline.com, and obviously they where too dumb to find out how to navigate anywhere if their homepage was down. Both firewalls were erected, thus rendering all n00b attacks on the Intellect and h4Xx0rz futile. 39 years afterward, the n00b surfbots located the strongholds of both factions and initiated a fullscale attack. But the n00bs could not make it past the firewalls. It was at this time that the n00b Prezdnt declared the official end of the n00b r0xx0r. Several spies were sent to infiltrate enemy lines, but none went undetected due to their outlandish n00b accents. Those who managed to hide their accents by powerful COPYPASTE cloaking device were quickly detected by RTFM defense system (the ancestor of contemporary RTFG anti-n00b system).
The Intellect and h4Xx0r populations were safe, but both factions still held designs on reclaiming the entire internet. It is widely believed that the events of the n00b r0xx0r were the precursor to both the LOL_WAR and the Pwn War.