Harry Potter

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Harry Potter.
“I forgot why I created him, to be honest.”

Ladies and gentlemen, every era has a hero who is rememberd for his noble deeds that remain foundly conserved in our hearts. (Yeah, a little cheesy, but bear with it.) Heros who sacrifice their wishes of an ordinary live in order to fulfill their destiny. Like Batman, a man who could have made Apple Inc. his slave, but decided to use his money and kung fu powers to defend his city from crime and lunatics. Like Optimus Prime, who died for our sins and came back for us to repent our sorrowful actions towards WWF and the Jews. Like Zorro, a man disguised as Antonio Banderas for Halloween who defended the people's rights from the opressing government of George W. Bush for peace and order, and like countless other chivalrous men who fight injustice and crime for our sakes.

...and then there is Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived. You can all start laughing now.

Early Background

Harry scarface Potter, more commonly referred to as Hairy Pothead, is a wizard born on July 31st, 1980 to James Potter, Lily Evans Potter who are now DEAD and Albus Dumbledore once again DEAD. At age one his parents were murdered by Lord Voldemort, an evil dark wizard who was just passing by. He was sent to live with his mother's sister (Petunia) and her husband (Vernon) and large son (Dudley) who looked like a pig in a wig. The novels (authored by Just Kidding Rowling) follow the life of Harry Potter. Harry has also been known to quickly phase through different fads.

Ok, quick summary is quick. Dude used to live in a cupboard for eleven years before the events of the story. He was forced to live with his big bad foster parents who nobody gives a eff! about despite that they're tossed in every single book's intro just to piss the readers off. And he was a tad different from the rest of us. Seriously, who gives a toss about the rest? So he gets a letter from this owl that just pooped on his head right after. But Vernon, being a asshole, steals the letter and asks Harry to clean his car for it in return! The rest of the summary is X rated, so they'll be censored for your own protection: DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES dude you're still reading this DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES Naruto sucks DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES you too DANIEL LOVES FUCKING HORSES got it memorised?

Call of Destiny

As cheesy as it sounds, this is exactly what happened. Rowling decided that in order to make money, her protagonist couldn't remain living in the cupboard forever, so she decided to move him in an academy for wizards and witches in order for Harry to grow and learn how to control his magical powers (pfffft). Oh and to save the whole wizarding world from a power hungry dictator who just happens to be the darkest wizard of all time. Who also killed Hairy's parents. But if You-Know-Who doesn't give a eff!, then Who cares?

Years at Hogwarts

Read the books. Or see the movies (but to be honest I would just read the books). But not 3 and 4, that's just filler. Skip 6 too, cause that's even more stupid. And while you're at it, throw away all side books and all of the stupid cheap cash-in video games as well. On second thoughts, go watch the movies, they explain everything accurately. Mind you, you're giving J.K. Rowling more money by taking the easy way. Take caution.


When Dumbledore told Harry to learn more about Voldemort, he had no idea that Harry would have taken his word to the extreme.

Dumbleweed Army

When Harry finally stops angsting about the Dark Lord returns movie (tm) and endlessly grumbles at how bad it was, Harry actually does something for once. His friend Hermoine (not Harry, mind) founded the D.A. foundation, an army of teenagers who've got nothing to do but actually study and do their homework. Blasphemy! When found out, the kids were reduced to only five people, but it was okay, Harry was definitly going to defeat Lord Voldemort, because there was Neville BADASS Longbottom on his side, who also had a grugde against a certain Death Eater....

The Chosen One

Draco Malfoy was originally offered the part of "The chosen one" but gave it up to be a Wizacrombie and Snitch model. He know works as a musician under the name of "Mr Hudson"

The prophecy stated that a child who posseses an obvious facial scar in the shape of a lighting bolt and has high evasive skills in Final Fantasy would be the one who will defeat the darkest wizard of all time since Lezard Valeth; an emo zombie boy with no nose that had 'evil' maigical powers- errrrrrr, the very talented and sexy Lord Voldemort, who's magisty rose higher than God himself. Naturally, Voldy (can I call you that?) got rather jealous and pissed off by the fact that Harry seemed to get all the attention, even though Harry was a meer one year old at the time. Voldy got even more emo than usual, because the boy had the chance of being youthful and handsome whilst he traded that for treats- I mean, he is far more skilled and attractive than Harry could ever hope to be, no matter how much freaky four-eyes tried. And he traded his youth for immortallity, not that many villians do that! In fact, quite a few actually! Heheheh ehehe... Please don't kill me.

Naturally, like any other repectable villian, he decides to kill him. Like any other villain, he fails. But unlike any other villian, Voldy does not only fail, but EPICLY FAIL. He fails so epicly, it'll leave you speechless. I mean, come on: HOW DID HE FAIL TO KILL A ONE YEAR OLD BABY?! RIGHT AFTER KILLING HIS PARENTS?! WTF?? DID WE MISS A MOVIE?? You're a loser Voldy, a loser! HA! >:D Suck on my virtual balls Captain Faildy. Apparantly Harry was saved due to his mother's love protecting him. Which makes sense, I mean no other mothers love their children do they? I guess Harry was just lucky.

The True Chosen One

As we all have realized by the end of book seven, the true hero of the misleadingly named 'Harry Potter' books is actually Sir Duke of Nagini's Remains Neville BADASS Longbottom. DAMN. The title of the series is actually an attempt by the author J. K. Rowling to thwart the power of Sir Longbottom. The recent revelation confirms the fan's suspision that he is, in fact, the long forgotten 1337 MASTER himself. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN *dramatic pause*

This has led to speculation that J. K. Rowling (who is afraid of him) is actually the Devil in disguise and this is all some elaborate celestial plot for Satan to gain more money than [s]he receives from donations aimed for Africa. Of course, we could be exagerating, but with all of those misleading harry potter trolls that are out there in the internet? You've got to watch your back and front my friend, and have faith in what Uncylopedia tells you.

Come on now, you don't wanna trust J.K. Rowling's words, would you aye?

Proof that Sir Longbottom is a God (or at least, Odin) has come from a series of circumstances:

  • The spectacular killing of Nagini that he made with a sword that was made just for him. Voldemort's own personal dildo did not stand a chance.
  • The fact that he is the only known HP person in the world who can, in fact, touch and edit this page. (VOLDEMORT CANNOT, guess why?! Mwahahahaha!!!!!)
  • The fact that he uses Mordor as a summer residence and the Orcs as his sexual playthings. He uses them on Brianna Bates.
  • The fact that he gave a toss about what J.K. Rowling said about him and Hannah the Aboot and married his wife Luna Longbottom anyway.
  • The fact that King Leonidas and the 300 were his bitches. All of them.
  • Mount Doom is his personal summer resort.
  • That when he was standing on the Vatican balcony with the Pope someone said “Who’s that up there with Sir Neville?”
  • The fact that his second name is BADASS. (capitals included)
  • The fact that Sir Neville DID have a lighting scar on his forehead and had very evasive skills in Final Fantasy. Unlike Harry, he was smart enough to hide that fact from the world.
  • His surname may not sound awesome, but he's awesome anyway.
  • The fact that he was the one who took the photo that had Jesus and friends dinning in what is now known as 'The Last Supper'. Amateurs think that a certain DiCapro guy took the photo and took full credit for that. He only made the texturing.
  • Voldermort's true intention all along was to murder Sir Neville, but Harry, being the attention whore of Hogwarts, had to butt in to steal the spotlight. Wild Abra appeared! What an asshole.
  • Sir Neville is so awesome, that the Queen herself wanted to knight him in the royal institute and invited the Ministry of Magic to attend the ceremony. Naturally, J.K. Rowling was not invited.
  • Harry may have killed Voldermort, but it was Sir Neville who weakened him and gave him the final blow. The battle was far too epic and spectacular for the book to handle, so it took place off screen. The cinema fans cannot wait for that scene to be shown on the silver screen.

After Death Eater Siege

Harry married the local whore his childhood sweetheart (yeah, in the movies) Ginny Weasley, and had three children, James Jr., Albus and Lily Jr. Potter. He never went back to Hogwarts in order to complete his wizard training, becoming a poster-child for every teenager who wants to drop out of school (haha! dropout!) and became an Aurour even without the necessary qualifications (cheater!). His wife became a Quidditch idol who made England win many prestegious trophies and titles, but since we're muggles, we couldn't see them so they don't count.

He remained in contact with his friends Ron and Hermione, who got married but we don't care and had two children whose names are depressingly better than Albus Severus Potter (*sitcom laughter*). Sir Neville BADASS Longbottom became the local teacher of Herbology in order to prevent his sons from ever making contact with Harry and his spawns. His wife, Luna, became the caretaker of Magical Creatures and taught her students valuable life lessons like how to distingish between a nargle and a grue without losing their fingers and noses in the process. All is well, indeed.

Interviews = Expanded Universe

Despite the fact that series is now complete, Rowling must have decided that she didn't have enough money to drink gold dipped tea with, so she decided to ripp off George Lucas and presented the world with her pesonal expanded universe, possibly in a limited edition book series available in stores now (tm). Although this sounded good at first, the fans realised in horror that this was just Rowling preventing her fans from using their own imagination to figure out what happened to the characters after the main story. And to get more money. And to prevent Neville from marrying Luna. Many fans cried major discountinunity at the sheer stupidity Rowling pulled out of her ass yet again, like Ron becoming an Aurour (U SRS?), Fred's girlfriend marrying George (*uncomfortable laughter*) and the whole ROLF affair that's just too wacky to be taken seriously.

Of course, some people just don't give a crap about anything after book seven because Harry did not die in it like how it should have been. At this point, might as well the rest of us follow their example. Otherwise we'll keep on giving Rowling more publicity. And more money. $$$$$ ca cing!

The Musical

Both Harry Potter and the fans were disapointed how Rowling lost it after concluding the series, giving more importance to get more money than to actually leave the series in peace. So, Harry founded a little theater foundation called "A Very Potter Muscial," which retells Harry's life on stage. It tells how things really happened, how the Horcruxes were really defeated, how Dumblebore was gay (!!!), how Ron and Hermoine hooked up, what Draco Malfoy's true objective was, etc.

Since real magic special effects were very expensive, Harry decided to give Muggle actors a chance, and many HP fans took their acting role very seriously, despite that sometimes the show became very wacky. Both muggle and wizard audiences enjoyed the play immensly, saying that it was much better than all the crap Rowling pulled before and after she published the seventh book. Special guests include Zack Evans, who makes a cameo as a Horcrux shaped in a HSM poster, Oscar Wilde as Severus Snape, whose performance deserves an acedamy award, and no other than Sir Neville BADASS Longbottom himself, who cameoed as Cedric Diggory, as the actual Diggory wanted to return to the HP set, but nobody wanted that, not even Rowling herself, who enjoyed watching the fanmade musical pretty much, despite not earning a penny out of it.

Harry's spells (The only ones)

  • Expelliarmus: Otherwise known as "the pussy spell for pussies". It is indisputably lame and lacklustre and as so Harry uses it a lot. All it does is knock his opponent's wand out of their hand and slightly delays his inevitable thrashing. Somehow it killed Voldemort but no one was impressed. For weeks afterward even the most dedicated of fanboys were vomiting out of sheer shame.
  • Crucio: The torturing spell. Sir Neville Longbottom's parents went mad physically & mentally when Bellatrix used it on them. Harry used it against her in a weak attempt to avenge Sirius but he failed miserably, for all it did was make her yelp! You lily-livered pipsqueak!
  • Stupefy: One of the most weirdest spells ever, it doesn't have anything to do with the name. It doesn't make the victim stupid, forgetful, or even make them fail their potions homework so Harry forces Snape to give him all the House Points! Even though it's one of the most asswhooping spells he never seems to say: "Hey, how come stupefy doesn't make Voldemort pull down his pants & sing: 'Why can't we be friends?'"
  • Columae Flacidus: Gives his opponent impotence, which makes Harry feel better about his own tiny penis.
  • Fucking Coward Evasive Manouvere: This isn't a spell. Harry just jumps out of the way so that Ron gets hit and dies.
  • Shut up! JUST SHUT UP!!!: This isnt a spell either, but a useful bit of majic used for blowing up fat ass aunties/grannys which piss you off. Harry uses this to his mom's grandmama who says that his father's a drunk, (who he is, but Harry just wanted to hide it) & then that his mom's mentally retarded or something, which Harry's also covering up to make sure she doesn't say that he's a fuckin orphan that no one respected.
“I have mastered this majic & used it against Chuck Norris which I tell you, NEVER try it against him! I've used it also on 15 grues, a sasquatch & Xav! Sweet, ain't it?”
~ Harry the Douche acting like himself
  • Banana-Orgia-Wonderbra: An old spell he spent years trying to master and that could have granted him total control over Wonderbra models having sex on pealed bananas. However, as readers can notice, he failed mastering this spell, obviously... very obviously...
  • Shazam!: A potent and funky spell. Ron tried to use it once but failed epically because he's white, ginger, can't sing "stayin' alive" and doesn't have a pair of star shaped sunglasses.
  • The ancient summoning curse of the great purple-lightsabered one: Summons Samuel L. Jackson who runs around shooting everyone and shouting "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHAFUKIN WIZARDS IN THIS MOTHAFUKIN HOGWARTS!" The only way to overcome this is to cast the epic summoning spell of bearded awesomeness, which summons Chuck Norris.
  • Forgeticus!: Harry uses this a lot too mind wipe the memory of his frequent sexual encounters that he feels ashamed for. Unfortunately, it really isn't a spell. Harry just yells "Forgeticus! BIG TIME FORGETICUS!" and convinces himself that it worked. It never does. People snicker behind his back.
  • Vasectumsempra: A spell which removes the target's manhood. Also known as the "I never want kids" spell.
  • Flick and Swisher: A spell in which will give the finger to any witch or wizard in close proximity .
  • Blast ended Skank: Will turn any Witch or wizard into a Lindsay Lohan or Miley Cyrus lookalike. Is one of the unforgivable curses as most wizards would rather look like Voldemort than Miley. Understandable.
  • Jiggery Pokery: To poke a wizard or witch with ones natural magic wand, if you get what i mean. Sometimes when a male wizard is feeling highly emotional that they often perform this spell as a Non-verbal spell.
  • Azkabitch outta my way: A spell which allows wizards to break out of Azkaban. Lucius Malfoy is the only wizard who is known to perform this spell without a magic wand but with the back of his hand.
  • Patr-O-no-you-di'in't-Nus: A spell performed by pouting and clicking of the fingers. This will make the witch or wizard who performed the spell win in any Dance-off and free style. It is also effective if the wizard would like a weeve or dreadlocks.

Lack of Magic

Throughout the years, JK Rowling has tried and failed to get Harry to admit that he is in fact a Squib, albeit a talented one (his mastery of the spell 'Expelliarmus' is impressive). However, this is not to say that Harry does not have hidden talents in the world of acting: he was able during the course of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to fake the murder of Voldemort the Sexy, who was in fact killed by a rebound curse.

Similarly, he is known to have claimed responsibility for the defeat of Professor Quirrell (that credit goes to Voldemort), the destruction of the Basilisk (that credit goes to Fawkes the Phoenix), the saving of Cockbeak the Hippogriff (that credit goes to Hermione Granger), the liberation of Sirius Black (that credit goes to Hermione, Dumblewhore and Cockbeak), his escape from the Death Eaters (that credit goes to his own parents, who did better than him, despite being dead), his capture of various Death Eaters in the Ministry (that credit goes to Dumblewhore and the Order of the Phoenix) and the discovery of Voldemort's Horcrux (the credit for that goes to just about everyone else in the series, including Ron, Hermione, The Grey Lady, Dumblewhore, Regulus Black, Kreacher the House Elf, Ginny Weasley, Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort himself).


J. K. Rowling, after another of Harry's temper tantrums.

Lack of Self Control

This has also been demonstrated by Rowling on various occasions: in Book One, Harry set free a snake bred in captivity, which no doubt was subsequently either stun-gunned by the zookeepers or mauled by its fellow snakes in the wild, having never learned to take care of itself. In Book Three, Harry blew up his own aunt, which caused great distress to his family and great inconvenience for the Ministry of Magic. In Book Four, Harry attempted to dance at the Yule Ball, in addition to asking out Cho Chang. The repercussions of this incident were, needless to say, catastrophic. In Book Seven, despite having dumped Ginny Weasley, Harry kissed her, leading to emotional distress for her and her family, as well as endangering her life. Harry clearly needs to be restrained, in all meanings of the word. Also, he just can't control his urge to fuck a horse.


Harry is also notorious for being ridiculously ungrateful. The two prime examples of this are, of course, the Dursleys and the Weasleys. Harry constantly plots against his aunt, is rude to his uncle, bullies his cousin and blows up his other aunt, ignoring the fact that they have housed, clothed and fed him for the last 16 years (but 2 years if you take into account Harry's mental age and regrettably low IQ). Similarly, Harry is sure never to thank Mrs Weasley for any of the meals she has cooked for him over the years, despite the fact that he knows she can barely feed her own children, who, incidentally, she could use to feed the entire population of Texas for a week. He also never buys her a birthday or Christmas present, magically (an impressive feat indeed for a Squib) forgetting that he has a rather large vault of gold at Gringotts.

Bad Temper

Perhaps more than anything else, Harry is well-known by the wizarding and Muggle communities alike for his bad temper. He has an unfortunate and vulgar tendency to scream at his teachers, often resulting in the removal of their memories, destroying their prized possessions, informing them that their unborn child should be ashamed of them, allowing them to be carted off by a herd of Centaurs, letting Voldemort kill them despite their obvious innocence, provoking the fury of a half-giant and incurring the wrath of Professor McGonagall. Not only is this inadvisable (Minerva McGonagall has been proved to be capable of raping rebellious students with her eyeballs alone) it is also incredibly disrespectful. We could blame this on the fact that Harry's parents 'died' at a young age, but Harry himself uses this excuse so often that we cannot bring ourselves to imitate him.

Being lily-livered

Whenever there's a fight going on and there's no-one to fight his battles for him, Harry seems to faint (like a little poser who obviously didn't grasp the concept of being "a hero"). This actually makes us root for Voldemort who is not only right when he says that Harry "hid behind the skirts of greater wizards and witches than himself" but also deserves to win as he has actually worked for it and got his life fucked over by Harry Potter WAY TOO MANY TIMES! Alas, poor Voldy...

Also, Harry, who was supposed to be so kick-ass, killed Voldemort just by being too bloody stubborn to actually DIE, where as Sir Neville Longbottom, formerly good-for-nothing fat kid extraordinaire, chopped off the head of a man-eating snake with a great bloody sword. WHILE ON FIRE. Yeah, Harry, way to be outdone by a minor character.


Short Magic Wand

As Ginny confirms, Harry's wand seems to be far shorter than the average 15 centimetres (roughly 15 feets or a stretched leg). For this reason Harry wihttp://images.wikia.com/common/releases_200911.2/skins/common/images/button_bold.pngll always have problems finding anybody to copulate with, excluding Ron (Howard), who's notoriously a pervert, and Ginny, who is a whore. He can't even use wizard hats, the poor fellow. Sometimes your mom joins in.


Early Ideas

The first idea about the story of Harry Potter was actually two, namely Horny Peter. Here are the chapters:

Horny Peter:

Sorcerer's Daughter

Chamber of Sex

Prostitute of Azkaban

Goblet of Fuck

The Order of Pornography

The Half-Blood Prince Albert

The Deathly H.I.V.



Dear uncyclic reader, please ignore this entry. Harry Potter and the Troll that won't shut up was the one who wrote it. We apologise for the inconvience.

P.S: Dear Troll, if you're reading this, Sir Neville would like a word with you...

Blood Spatter


In conclusion, it is quite clear that Harry Potter is a mentally unstable person like Daniel Porteous. He is an ungrateful and idiotic Squib who is a general nuisance and little more than a twit running around with a stick, shouting "EXPELLIARMUS!" and wondering why no geniuses come rushing to his rescue. It is strongly recommended that the general public stay away from him, as they may find the weapons with which they have approached him mercilessly tossed away, or else they may be attacked by an afro-haired girl or a redhead. If you see any of these three people in the street, dial 1800-VOLDEMORT KICKS ASS. Someone will come to your aid immediately. Harry is an egotistical asshole who likes to belittle people to make himself feel better about... himself....

See also

Harry Potter
Characters Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort
Books List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time
Places Hogwarts
Misc. Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)
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