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"Harry Potter tried to rape me!"
~Lindsay Lohan on The Legend of Harry Potter
~Elizabeth I on The Legend of Harry Potter
~Anne Robinson on The Legend of Harry Potter
~Basil brush on The Legend of Harry Potter
"Have you noticed that ALL OF YOU ARE REDHEADS?"
~Oscar Wilde on The Legend of Harry Potter
The Legend of Harry Potter
Harry James Potter is a mediocre wizard who was lucky enough to undeservedly have seven whole books written about him, currently being converted into seven half films by the mediocre wizard pretending to be an actor, Daniel Radcliffe. During these books/films, Harry and his more grateful and good-tempered friends, Ron and Hermione try desperately to save him from dying by his own stupidity, selfishness and saviour complex. This was previously the job of prestigious witches and wizards with better things to do with their time, such as Lily Potter, James Potter, Sirius Black and Albus Dumbledore.
The Chosen One
This concept is known in the books as The Saviour, or Chosen One. All four of the above previous Chosen Ones have died in their failed attempts to keep Harry away from his arch nemesis, the talented and sexy Voldemort, who is naturally getting rather jealous and pissed off by the fact that Harry seems to get all the attention, even though Voldemort is far more skilled and attractive than he. Therefore, like many of the other characters in the book (including The Chosen Ones), Voldemort spends a great amount of time on Harry – in this instance trying to kill him – instead of doing something useful with his great deal of talent.
Almost everyone in the books except Harry has so far been a Chosen One, as almost everyone in the books except Harry has so far tried to shelter him. To name but a few: Lily Potter, James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Vernon Dursley, Petunia Dursley, Albus Dumbledore, Rubeus Hagrid, Minerva McGonagall, Severus Snape, the entire Weasley family, Grawp the giant, Firenze the centaur, Hermione Granger, Ted Tonks, Andromeda Black, Griphook the goblin, Fleur Delacour, Cedric Diggory, Alastor Moody, Dobby and Kreacher the house-elfs etc etc. Incidentally, as most of the people on this list are dead by the end of Book Seven, it can safely and joyously be assumed that we will soon be celebrating Harry's eventual death. The bookies are on Harry falling to the REAL Chosen Boy, Neville Longbottom.
Current Chosen One
In Book Five, Harry Potter and the Order of the More Accomplished Wizards, Harry discovers to his shock that in the near future – the end of Book Six, during which the last Chosen One, Dumbledore, dies – he will become The Chosen One, and will have to finally take responsibility for his own ridiculously foolish actions. In other words, in seeking out Harry and attempting to kill him at the age of one, Voldemort has ensured that Harry must, at some point in his pathetic, ungrateful, bad-tempered life Save Himself. It should be noted that following the publication of Book Five, widely regarded as the best book in the series by far, the opinion polls showed a 100% increase in Voldemort’s popularity.
The Despair of J.K. Rowling
However, sadly, Voldemort’s valiant efforts to make this boy take care of himself are thwarted by the continued presence of Ron and Hermione, Harry’s best friends. Harry has been notorious throughout the series for trying to throw off the much needed protection and help of Ron and Hermione, as he does not understand the concept of loyalty. JK Rowling, the writer to whom the unfortunate task of retelling Harry Potter’s various mishaps and temper tantrums fell, was dismayed by this twist in the plot. She therefore enlisted the help of various respectable witches and wizards, including Tom Riddle, Ginny Weasley, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, Crookshanks the cat, The Grim, the entire Slytherin Quidditch team, Colin Creevey, Dennis Creevey, Neville Longbottom, Gilderoy Lockhart, the Dursley family of Surrey, Cedric Diggory, Barty Crouch, Fluffy the Three Headed Dog, Bellatrix Lestrange, Horace Slughorn, the Malfoy family, various Ministry of Magic employees, Grawp the giant, Aragog the spider, Bane the centaur, Dolores Umbridge, Zacharias Smith, Dobby the House Elf, Cornelius Fudge, Rufus Scrimgeour and Alan Rickman, to try and kill off Harry Potter and his friends once and for all. However, against all odds, the trio survive these numerous attacks and go on to become the Three Most Irritating Celebrities Ever, finally toppling Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen twins from their long-standing regime.
Order of the Phoenix
The hopelessness of this situation has led to various conspiracy theories concerning the supposed deaths of Lily Potter, James Potter, Sirius Black, Albus Dumbledore, Hedwig, Dobby the House Elf, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Rufus Scrimgeour, Alastor Moody, Fred Weasley, Colin Creevey and Severus Snape, all of whom ‘died’ while protecting Harry Potter. It is now widely rumoured and believed that these Chosen Ones faked their own deaths, enlisting the help of various sympathetic Death Eaters, notably Voldemort the Sexy and Bellatrix Leloopy. They then met in secret in the depths of Middle Earth, a land of which Harry Potter knows not, and formed a band of anti-Harry Potter protesters known as the Order of the Phoenix. They continue to operate in secret, side by side with Harry Potter, each ‘dying’ at various points in time in order to try and force Harry into making some decisions for himself and learning a spell which does not involve the word ‘Expelliarmus’. However, their efforts have been to date thoroughly unsuccessful.
Due to Repetitive Strain Injury, osteoporosis, Vitamin D deficiency, Screen-Eye Disease, lack of fresh air, dehydration and exhaustion, this section had to be wiped and rewritten to one millionth of its original length (roughly that of War and Peace by Rasputin The Raunchy).
1) Lack of Magic
Throughout the years, JK Rowling has tried and failed to get Harry to admit that he is in fact a Squib, albeit a talented one (his mastering of the spell 'Expelliarmus' is impressive). However, this is not to say that Harry does not have hidden talents in the world of acting: he was able during the course of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to fake the murder of Voldemort the Sexy, who was in fact killed by a rebound curse. Similarly, he is known to have claimed responsibility for the defeat of Quirrell (that credential falls to Voldemort), the destruction of the Basilisk (that credential falls to Fawkes the Phoenix), the saving of Buckbeak the Hippogriff (that credential falls to Hermione), the liberation of Sirius Black (that credential falls to Hermione, Dumbledore and Buckbeak), his escape from the Death Eaters (that credential falls to his own parents, who did better than him despite being dead), his capture of various Death Eaters in the Ministry (that credential falls to Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix), the discovery of Voldemort's Horcruxes (that credential falls to just about everyone else in the series, including Ron, Hermione, The Grey Lady, Dumbledore, Regulus Black, Kreacher the House Elf, Ginny Weasley, Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort himself).
2) Lack of Self Control
This has also been demonstrated by Rowling on various occasions: in Book One, Harry set free a snake bred in captivity, which no doubt was subsequently either Stun Gunned by the zookeepers or mauled by its fellow snakes in the wild, having never learnt to take care of itself. In Book Three, Harry blew up his own aunt, which caused great distress to his family and great inconvenience for the Ministry of Magic. In Book Four, Harry attempted to dance at the Yule Ball, in addition to asking out Cho Chang. The repercussions of this incident were, needless to say, catastrophic. In Book Seven, despite having dumped Ginny Weasley, Harry kissed her, leading to emotional distress for her and her family, as well as endangering her life. Harry clearly needs to be restrained, in all meanings of the word.
Harry is also notorious for being ridiculously ungrateful. The two prime examples of this are, of course, the Dursleys and the Weasleys. Harry constantly plots against his aunt, is rude to his uncle, bullies his cousin and blows up his aunt, ignoring the fact that they have housed, clothed and fed him for the last 16 years. Similarly, Harry is sure never to thank Mrs Weasley for any of the meals she has cooked for him over the years, despite the fact that he knows she can barely feed her own children, who, incidentally, she could use to feed the entire population of Texas for a week. He also never buys her a birthday or Christmas present, magically (an impressive feat indeed for a Squib) forgetting that he has a rather large vault of gold at Gringotts.
4) Bad Temper
Perhaps more than anything else, Harry is well-known by the wizarding and Muggle communities alike for his bad temper. He has an unfortunate and vulgar tendency to scream at his teachers, often resulting in the removal of their memories, destroying their prized posessions, informing them that their unborn child should be ashamed of them, allowing them to be carted off by a herd of Centaurs, letting Voldemort kill them despite their obvious innocence, provoking the fury of a half giant and incurring the wrath of Professor McGonagall. Not only is this inadvisable (Minerva McGonagall has been proved to be capable of raping rebellious students with her eyeballs alone) it is also incredibly disrespectful. We could blame this on the fact that Harry's parents 'died' at a young age, but Harry himself uses this excuse so often that we cannot bring ourselves to imitate him.
In conclusion, it is quite clear that Harry Potter is a mentally unstable, ungrateful Squib who is a general nuisance and little more than an idiot running around with a stick, shouting "EXPELLIARMUS!" and wondering why no geniuses come rushing to his rescue. It is strongly recommended that the general public stay away from him, as they may find the weapons with which they have approached him mercilessly tossed away, or else they may be attacked by an afro-haired girl or a redhead. If you see any of these three people in the street, dial 0800 99 1066. Someone will come to your aid immediately.