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Today's Featured Article - Einstein's Theory of Relativity

Einstein

Einstein's Theory of Relativity as proposed in a joint paper by Albert Einstein and Jacques Lacan, states that all relatives in a family were only in their various positions in the family relative to one another in a fixed point in time or space. For instance, a father is a father to a child and he is a brother to his brother. Thus the same person is both a father and a brother, from two different points of view. This is of minimum use in Physics, but Einstein had lots of Ph.D.s and qualifications to make it sound really important, so people credited him with the discovery anyway.

As such, it was one of the most important inventions in history, paving the way for the temporal paradox, the engine which powers the Time machine used by Professor Marty McFly in his famous time travel documentary Forward to the Past.

Albert Einstein's 1905 rant On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies introduced the wild guess of relativity. Einstein's marketing agent suggested there may be some difficulty marketing a "wild guess," and in a brilliant marketing gambit, it was recast as a "Theory" or a "Principle."

While this principle was not new to Einstein's work, he found that putting a fork in the microwave oven may have seemed like fun, yet in the long run just ended up breaking the oven. The experiment was new, in its focus on placing various other objects in a microwave and seeing what happened. He found that the same power needed to spark a fork in the lab was equal to that required in a kitchen to be the same as that required to blow up a kitten, or melt a hydrated rose, regardless of their rotation or the motion of the body of food, flowers or fauna. Raindrops on roses and radiation on kittens were just a few of his favorite things. (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz (born Rafael Edward Cruz) is the junior United States Senator from Texas. Elected in 2012 as a Republican, he is the first Hispanic or Cuban American to serve as a U.S. Senator from Texas. The term serve is used loosely, because he is running for President of the United States, and while running for President, he has very little time to fulfill his duties as a US Senator. Several analysts are concerned about his hopes in the current Presidential election because he does not actually qualify to be President in as much as he was born outside the United States as a Cuban Canadian, and the Constitution mandates that the President must be born within the US as a natural born citizen, but because that didn't stop President Obama, Cruz believes it will not be an issue for him either.

Christened Rafael Edward Cruz, he was born to Eleanor Elizabeth Darragh Wilson, and Rafael Bienvendo Cruz in Toronto, Canada on December 22, 1970. At the time Ted was born, his father worked in the oil industry in Canada. Rafael Cruz Sr. owned a company that processed seismic data for oil drillers and he was very gifted at processing the data until the oil drillers got the results they wanted. He had learned how to process data from his time in Cuba fighting with Castro's good ol' boys as an interpretation specialist. Any information that needed to be reinterpreted or processed went through Rafael Cruz Sr. before being sent out through official channels. Ted's Father left Cuba in 1957 to attend the University of Texas where "I got me some learnin'", as he would say on graduation in one of his humorous attempts to imitate a Texas drawl.

Cruz's mother, Eleanor Wilson Cruz, was born and raised in Wilmington, Delaware, of Irish and Italian descent, and she has the typical temperament of someone with that heritage, or at least the temperament of an average mother. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Apathy, featured on 30 May 2012. See the featured version.
Secretary, featured on 30 May 2011. See the featured version.
Gay whales in Darfur, featured on 30 May 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

*...that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ...that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ...that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ...that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?

In the news

On this day...

May 30: Memorial Day in the United States (2011); Lod's Massacre Appreciation Day (Puerto Rico)
  • 1431 – National hero of France Joan of Arc is burned at the stake in Rouen, France, after being convicted of wizardy for being able to produce milk from her breasts.
    Axishotdogcompetition
  • 1941 – The first Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition (pictured) held in Rome.
  • 1967 – Wilbur Wright's ghost manifests itself in the body of an otter.
  • 1984Big Brother watches you.
  • 2002 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2003 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2004 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2005 – Natalee Holloway goes missing on a slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2013God recreates Earth, starting with Uncylopedia.
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

Aoushot1

A screenshot from Age of Umpires II: Age of Cricket. In this example, we see the classic "Shotgun-Seven" formation being used to maximum effect. Any good Umpire would note that this places a good deal of emphasis on the left side, making it easy enough to sneak in the stray foul wicket.

Image Credit: Hindleyite
Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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