# User:Savethemooses/HorridColbertRoughDraft

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## Today's Featured Article - Dag Hammarskjöld

Dag Hjalmar Agne Carl Hammarskjöld (Swedish: [dɑːɡ ˈhamːarɧœld]; pronounced like Zlatan Ibrahimović nose) was a Swedish diplomat, author, demented pulverizer of troll torsos, and humanitarian. The second Secretary-General of the United Nations, and first to be half Norse-deity, Hammarskjöld served from the rise of the storm sun until his death in 1961 en route to cease-fire negotiations.

Hammarskjöld is often referred to as the benchmark against which later UN Secretaries-General are judged; in part for remaining politically independent throughout his tenure, although mostly for his ability to hammer deep into the New York soil any world leader who went more than 5 minutes over their allotted ranting time on the United Nations lectern. His calm style of mediation and his steady swinging shoulder are regarded as the greatest assets brought to the office by a Secretary-General, at least until Kofi Annan revealed his striking resemblance to Morgan Freeman.

He remains the only U.N. Secretary-General to die in office. However it is unclear whether transitioning to another cosmological level of the magnificent world-tree Yggdrasill counts as a human 'death'; Hammarskjöld was awarded a Nobel Prize posthumously, just in case.

The fourth and youngest son of Hjalmar Hammarskjöld — a former Prime Minister of Sweden — and FreyaGoddess of Fertility, Queen of the Valkyries and Custodian of Death — Dag had descended from a long lineage of Swedes devoted to the public service, diplomacy and suckling the Æsir Gods at Asgard. (more...)

Recently featured: Dag Hammarskjöld - Food

## Yesterday's Featured Article - Food

Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous, but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive. Most patients eat it every day.

Conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. As food is everywhere, the difficulty of avoiding it discourages many from following through with alternative treatments, and they go back to conventional doctors who rely on old-fashioned cutting, burning and slashing.

Avoiding food sounds deceptively simple: just don't eat it. But it's not as easy as it sounds. Food is an integral part of most modern diets; indeed most of us eat nothing else. But having something to eat is vital to survival, so the food must be replaced by something else.

But what? It is possible to survive without eating food if one drinks water. If one wants to eliminate such deadly toxins completely, however, water must be avoided as well. All water is chock-full of its own collection of nasties, and if you drink water instead of eating food you will not be any better off. (more...)

You can vote for your favorite ORIGINAL articles to be featured.

### God-fearing American anniversaries

December 29: National "In Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia talks like YOU!!" Day

• 1337 - In Soviet Russia, the fat guy strangler strangles YOU!!
• 1501 - In Soviet Russia, WikiHeaven goes to YOU!!
• 1348 - In Soviet Russia, anti-Semitic mob kills JEW!!
• 1809 - In Soviet Russia, road forks YOU!!
• 1918 - In Soviet Russia, state revolutionalizes YOU!!
• 1926 - In Soviet Russia, television watches YOU!!
• 1945 - In Soviet Russia, World War II wins YOU!!
• 1952 - In Soviet Russia, freedom has YOU!!
• 1953 - In Soviet Russia, nothing has YOU!!
• 1954 - In Soviet Russia, subversive literature is not allowed to write YOU!!
• 1955 - In Soviet Russia, married can get YOU!!
• 1956 - In Soviet Russia, the law has equal rights under YOU!!
• 1957 - In Soviet Russia, onlookers are looked upon as strange and possibly insane if they wear no clothes and start barking like dogs in public places to YOU!!
• 1958 - In Soviet Russia, peace can die in YOU!!
• 1959 - In Soviet Russia, hooker pays YOU!!
• 1969 - In Soviet Russia, moon lands on YOU!!
• 1982 - In Soviet Russia, the last recorded bowel movement has YOU!!
• 1989 - My Sweet Thang is born!!! 18 Years Later she marry's a Stud Muffin and they have kids then get divorced. Oh Ya. This all happend it Soviet Russia.
• 1999 - In Soviet Russia, Winslet fatalism subscribes to YOU!!
• 2000 - In Soviet Russia, Y2K bugs YOU!!
• 2001 - In Soviet Russia, ipod listens to YOU!!
• 2004 - In Soviet Russia, idiot reelects YOU!!
• 2005 - In Soviet Russia, the Most Awesome Page Ever worships YOU!!
• 2006 - In Soviet Russia, article hyperlinks YOU!!
• 2007 - In Soviet Russia, n00bs pwn YOU!
• 2010 - In Soviet Russia, cyclopedia uns YOU!
• 2101 - In Soviet Russia, war begins YOU!!
• 2112 - In Soviet Russia, control assumes YOU!!
• 3124 - In Soviet Russia, world destroys YOU!!
• 3875 - silence

### edit Today's TRUE Wørd

Jesii
Try to use it in conversation.
Knowledge is power. Stealing is sin.

### Hey, America, did you know...

• ...that $(\tan^{-1}((\frac{-5\pm\sqrt{5^2+(4\times3)\times2}}{2\times3}\div2)\div(\frac{-5\pm\sqrt{5^2+(4\times3)\times2}}{2\times3}\div2)))\times2$ is 8th grade math?

### edit Say, Patriot, do you care...

• ...that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!

### Heroes of the Month

 GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia! Seriously, we love you.

 Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor. Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

 It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon! HEIL FROSTY! Jesus! Only 2 days left to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

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