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|Amby, Destroyer of the Free|
|Amby, Destroyer of the Free Specs|
|Evilness Rating: Unearthly|
|Approx. Size: 15'13"|
|Approx. Weight: 17,000kg|
|Favorite Boyband: Boyzone|
|Favorite Sport: Mustache Racing|
“...OH!... GOOD LORD, NO! *bzzt*... grabbed left wing... no escape... *bzzt*... ripping *bzzt* SHREDssssss.... GOOD GOD! (End Transmission)”
Amby or, in its full, widely-feared taboo title, Amby, Destroyer of the Free, can only be described as the single most fucked-up, terrifying creature that roams this God-forsaken earth. It takes its form as a small, cute, ginger tom kitten (pictured right) and roams the world in search of enjoyment in human torture. Many possessed voodoo ecologists (from the American Bureau of Science) have determined Amby, Destroyer of the Free's true age to be (approximately) 7,635.7676 years old, just about outliving Margret Thatcher and the Ford Mondeo by a couple of years. It doesn't have any gender (much to the amusement of teenage boys) which makes it immune to Jade Goody and Mahatma Ghandi's advances.
What The Fuck?
Years of constant abuse down Amby, Destroyer of the Free's line has also contributed heavily to the twisted nature of this fluffy feline's tendancy to rip the living shit out of something. Abuse such as:
- wailing uncontrollably point-blank to its face
- grabbing it by the neck and repeatedly slamming its face into a flat-palmed hand
- wedging it in between the rafters of a bunk bed frame
- constant sniffing its coat
- having to watch masturbation over and over again
- recite the FULL "Star Spangled Banner" with all the mono-syllabic singing dragging the fucking thing on for hours.
After that, Amby, Destroyer of the Free just went mad. Got a screw loose, one log short of a campfire, one scout troop without the homosexual priest, loopy, off its rocker, crazy. You know, not quite 'with it'.
In fact, Amby, Detroyer of the Free, was cast to feature in the film 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', but ate the filmcrew and destroyed most of the studio props.
Close Encounters of the Shit-Myself-Scared Kind
Those that have had the grave misfortune to encounter Amby, Destroyer of the Free (and, indeed, a folk singer) have paid in kind with their lives. Their bodies have been recovered, months after abduction, in the most unlikely of places with the most horrific of traumas. For example, in June 2002, a 16 year-old named Billy Walker was whisked from his home in Kent, England, supposedly lost his way across the moors. One month later, he was discovered wandering into the local Somerfield, wearing nothing but a single hair located in his arse crack with the whole collection of Garth Brooks, stuck endlessly in his head. He was found, dead in his kitchen, the household iron pressed firmly on his testicles. His parents first thought he was cooking in their, with the smell of raw meat, they then pondered whether Billy had tried to top himself with the iron and soon came to the true conclusion.
Another undergarment-filling tale begins in the South American country of Peru, 14th October 1947 involving a Gynaecologist, two banjos and a years supply of hairnets. But, under federal law, the grotesque nature of this shit-covered, cock-surging, pussy-pulsating (first one, then the other) story will be kept under wraps to protect the imaginations of you, the public. No, YOU, the public. Well, whoever you fuckheads are.
Amby, Destroyer of the Free, regularly tells people to fuck the fuck off, mainly because they smell bad and have cheese for IQ points. Can't blame It. I mean, whats the use saving the fucking planet with all these pieces of unpasteurized shit waltzing around this goddam Earth? I'll tell you. But first, you must look into your heart and find me a rollerdex, several crumbs and a random steel testicle. Confused? Well, its shit like that which provokes this estranged being of inconcievable horror and pantyliners.
Amby, Destroyer of the Free wanks guitars on a regular basis. So there's no point asking "DUH, WTF R MAH STRINGS STICKIN TOGEVVA?" Because, I'm afraid no one could give any less of a shit. And you wonder why you have no mates and you look like a cow that forgot its suncream.
Thats' another thing...
If you see a 'hippy' or random guy standing on the side of the road wanting a ride to Salisbury Plain, chances are it's Amby, Destroyer of the Free. So for the love of GOD do what you would normally do in those situations and GIVE THAT DOUCHFAG THE FINGER (and drive as fast as you fuckin can, motherfucker).
Typical Day In the Hectic Life of Amby, Destroyer of the Free
- 2:00am - Get up early in the morning for a quick acid shower
- 2:10 - Dry self with sandpaper sheets
- 2:15 - Breakfast
- 2:30 - Answer fan mail from Grim Reaper
- 3:00 - Death and destruction
- 9:00 - Come home to watch new series of 'Frasier'
- 10:00 - Death and destruction
- 12:00pm - Lunch. Guessing its not beef bauvignon after spotting slight movement...
- 12:30 - Death and destruction
- 3:00 - Death and destruction
- 5:00 - Death and destruction
- 6:00 - Pub with chums (bitches)
- 7:00 - Evening death and detruction
- 9:00 - Access porn
- 10:00 - Delete internet 'history' folder
- 10:02 - Order pizza, kill whoever drives by to drop it off
- 10:30 - Prank call a few people. Tonight: Beck
- 11:00 - Take a shit on the neighbours' new shagpile
- 12:00am - Midnight D&D
- 1:59 - Sleep for exactly one minute.
Numerous Horrifc Ways Amby, Destroyer of the Free Has Taken Lives
- Locking people in a dark room and playing James Blunt records until they crack
- Gradually letting flesh-eating bacteria eat off a guys' dick, before pouring acres of salt into the wound
- Sawing off a breast with a rusty guitar string
- Constant 'meowing' in the middle of the night
- Removing the batteries from an OAP's hearing aid and leaving them in a dark alleyway in Croydon
- Posting rude pictures of Richard Nixon to the families victimized by paedophilia
- Spreading rumours of Manchester United FC's eventual demise
- Electrocution through rubbing of 1,000,000,000 balloons on hair
- Rigging of the Oscars so Adam Sandler won Best Actor, spurring him to write a sitcom
- Prank calling the Pope's guards and lighting a voodoo cauldron in the Vatican
- Scratching chalk-boards in a screeching manner
- Eventual beating to death from a Miami Vice lunchbox
- Having a set of 55 different shapes of key inserted into both eyes
- Proving that Telephones are magic, throwing reality out of proportion
- Locking the all TV channels into re-runs of Countdown
- Melting off Michael Jackson's face in public to reveal true identity
- Sealing diabetics into a chocolate factory with no food or water
- Taken whole international treaty negotiations into turmoil with a single glance
- Removed the worlds' currency
- Piled all obese Americans into Britain, causing Britain to sink under the water
- Uttered the word 'Recession' in parliament
- Leaving a small child in a room with a lot of large, flashing red buttons
- Bought Skoda and sold it to Microsoft(?)
- Nick-named the Red M&M 'Flappy wet cunt'
- Told the admins' of a geeky forum that 'Jean Luc Picard has Cyphillis all through Season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Penetration'
- Mentioned to a teenage American school girl: "You have a mustache. That's why Chad didn't wanna go out with yeh..."
- Giving the Gaza Strip to some grandma in New Jersey
- Recording films of crying puppies being mown down by coaches on the highways and playing them to vegetarians
Known Connections Between Amby, Destroyer of the Free and Wallpaper Paste
- Both have tried to find the Fox Network infantile
- Both have collaborated with Canadian, Prog-rock group, Rush
- Both have shown why Italy sucks
- Both have told their intruding mothers to 'FUCK OFF'
- Both have included B-Sides to personal 7" vinyl Soundtrack
- Both love whipped cream
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