User:STParker/Article about stuff
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“My neighbour, Geoffrey Chaucer, was kidnapped by a bowl of spaghetti.”
“The Noodle Incident has taught us all that sometimes its hard to put food on your family, and that sometimes its hard to keep radioactive spaghetti from killing them”
“SEE! THIS IS WHY I TOLD YOU TO EAT YOUR GOD DAMN OATMEAL!”
“I prefer my spaghetti with a nice ciante”
The Noodle Incident aka The Noodle Incident of 1520, aka The Great Spaghetti Incident of 1920 - sometimes referred to as The Pasta Incident of an Indeterminate Era - is an incident, featuring noodles, which occurred between John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes and which is shrouded in secrecy and mystery.
While most history books argue that the Great Spaghetti Incident was due to the great mistreatment of spaghetti during World War I, the origins of the conflict reach as far back as the late 18th century, when the cultivation of wild spaghetti began, thanks to the recent discovery of gravity.
This caused problems because of prolific racism among spaghetti. While European hunter-gatherers were generally accepted by spaghetti, this was not the case with the use of African-American slaves on spaghetti plantations.
One spaghetti plant was quoted in 1823 as saying, "They're simply incapable of understanding the most basic concepts like knot theory or even string theory! In a good month I manage to strangle about six of them." However, worse was to come in New Zealand, where cheap Pacific Island laborers tended the plantations.
The genomes of the laborers were so simple that in 1896 a particularly astute spaghetti plant managed to engineer a deadly-to-humans virus known as SARS (Self Aggrandising Respiratory Spaghettivirus) - not to be confused with SARS. The spaghetti, of course, informed the white population of this problem and recommended that face masks should be worn to prevent infection.
This was a complete failure, and almost all of the population of New Zealand was eradicated; for some reason sheep herders seemed immune to the virus and thanks to the virus, the number of sheep in New Zealand grew exponentially.
The World War
Events such as the SARS outbreak began to have an effect on spaghetti mentality. Two broad strands of spaghetti thinking developed: Tolerant and anti-human. Unfortunately, most of the anti-human spaghetti was concentrated in Italy, Germany and Austria, as here the spaghetti had made many claims to its 'spiritually significant' lands, and all these had been laughingly rejected.
As the war progressed, matters worsened. The recent development of cheap fertilizers, and the high demand for food for the war effort meant that spaghetti was being grown extremely densely and was being treated almost as badly as rapists and communists in Nazi prison camps.
Following the end of the war, news of this appalling treatment spread around the world. Hatred of humans grew more pronounced among spaghetti, while there still existed remnants of the tolerant strain of spaghetti.
Worldwide spaghetti chaos
On February 29, 1920, a small spaghetti revolt in Texas unleashed waves of retribution across America, later bubbling over to Europe. Strained relations between people and spaghetti finally reached breaking point. History had come to a great fork - would spaghetti win, or would humanity defend their own?
A little-known fact, that most history books omit, is that there was a differently minded spaghetti, outraged by this violent attack on humanity. Amid the kidnappings, force-feedings and strangulations of thousands of human civilians, spaghetti fought spaghetti.
"Well, y'know, ah reckon that it might have had a tension pneumothorax-induced cardiac arrest, or summing like that," said one man who had been kidnapped; to his amazement, the spaghetti jerked violently for some time and then became limp. In fact, two young spaghetti bravely gave their lives to save him.
John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes
John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes, in spite of their differences, were the closest of friends. Their friendship, however, was contentious. Though no one may ever know, what happened that fateful possibly sunny, possibly rainy, possibly overcast with a chance of light rain day - or night We do know that the fallout of that incident created an army of Superstrong Sentient Spaghetti that some say was sent by the Flying Spaghetti Monster himself to crush and discredit the Renaissance philosophers, and force public schools to teach Intelligent Design. This occured either long ago, when the Dinosaurs walked the Earth in 1920, or in 1500-something when both men were alive.
A survivor of the spaghetti incident is the stuffed animal "hobbes", who hides from villain spaghetti in a comic strip. He still pushes the guilt of the spaghetti incident to an innocent youngster called Calvin. Both have a homo-erotic relationship.
Spaghetti finally accepted its place in the world. Thanks to various US educational videos, spaghetti raising no longer poses any danger to the illegal Mexicans (known as illegal Sicilians in Italy, alcoholics in Berlin, and Eskimos in Iceland) who tend spaghetti plantations. The threat of low-sodium spaghetti-substitute has also helped to keep spaghetti in line.
In recent years, spaghetti and humanity have strengthened their ties and some meaningful relationships have been formed. Unfortunately, ancient spaghetti culture has mostly been lost, although this has allowed more relaxed interactions. Some people keep spaghetti as pets, while there are even reports of spaghetti assisting chemists and biologists in cutting-edge research.
The Noodle Incident was an event which occurred at Three Mile Island in 1995, when someone left a pot of spaghetti on a nuclear reactor and then forgot about it. The resulting overflow of nuclear powered, superintelligent spaghetti, threatened environmental disaster.
May 25th, 1995
Early in the evening of May 25th, 1995, John Calvin was preparing dinner for the staff of Three Mile Island on the open core of a nuclear reactor, as was his custom. Due to a falling out with his former colleague and co-worker, the famous tiger Thomas Hobbes, there was no one to watch the spaghetti when Calvin realized he had forgotten the wine. Thinking he would only be gone a moment Calvin left, leaving his batch of spaghetti the opportunity it had been waiting for.
The Pasta Reacts to the Reactors Reaction
Due to some science-type-stuff that is too complex to be explained or understood, the reactor overheated, causing the pot to over-flow, and radiating the spaghetti. Like everything that comes into contact with radiation, the spaghetti was endowed with intelligence and superhuman strength. Now sentient and angered at being considered a food item the spaghetti attacked.
The Great Spaghetti Battle (not to be confused with The Butter Battle or The War of Too Much Garlic), was a 4 day affair in which many lives were lost, great treasure was spent and many a shirt was ruined by marinara sauce. Only by calling in the Imperial Penguin Army did the humans triumph, particularly under the guidance of Admiral Pingu and his men. On day three of the battle reinforcements arrived from New Jersey with a caravan carrying garlic bread.
It appears that John Calvin returned to the power plant shortly after the spaghetti boiled over, and was therefore the first to be killed by it. Tragically his former colleague Thomas Hobbes was killed also in the incident. Historians can only speculate as to whether he was there to apologize, or to strangle the dumb jerk. Following the disaster a group of geriatric old men decided that it was best to let bygones be bygones and further resolved that young whippersnappers keep off the lawn. It is proposed by some that this is the true origin of the flying spaghetti monster, and the teen superhero team spaghetti force