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Spike the Dog (06b)

In February 2013, Spike got a ban-stick to match his collar.

en-N This user is a native speaker of English.
es-2 This user is able to contribute with an intermediate level of Español.
Sophia fire2 Civil War Veteran
This user stayed and defended the Mother Ship of Comedy during the 2013 secession.

“My object in living is to cross my vocation and avocation as my two eyes cross when I see a woman with awesome chest monkeys.”
~ Robert Frost (1936) on writing for no pay
“Three things from which we all benefit but which we ought not watch being made, are sausages, laws, and Special:RecentChanges.”
~ John Godfrey Saxe

Administrator SPIKE since 3-Feb-13
Registered user since 3-Oct-09 (was SpikeFromNH from 30-Jul-09) (was I.P.Anon from 2-Jul-09)
64,631 edits, 40 wins, 110 saves
Signature: Spıke Ѧ 
Location: New Hampshire Icons-flag-us (UTC-5, UTC-4 in summer)

Spike seasoning

Uncyclopedian of the Year 2013 (tie)
Writer of the Month December 2010 and November 2012
Uncyclopedian of the Month October 2010
Heraldic rank:
OUN Order of Uncyclopedia since 3-Feb-13
GUN K.C. Grand Cross since 1-Jan-11
KUN Knight Commander since 3-Apr-10
CUN Commander since 1-Mar-10
Officer rank:
UC-Army-OF3 Major since 3-Feb-13
UC-Army-OF1a Lieutenant since 11-May-10
UC-Army-OF1c SSgt since 6-Mar-10
Super power:
Sysop since 3-Feb-13
Autopatrolled since its inception
Rename/rollback since 25-Oct-10

Major works

I started with New Hampshire during July, 2009. When no one discarded my work with a snippy note against "original research," I signed on and dug in on articles about places I've been:

Solicited editing

And I've performed gut-and-paste jobs requested by a tag in the article, on:

  1. The solicitation was made by an anonymous user.
  2. The solicitation was made by one of Uncyclopedia's perennial problem children, and while he was banned from the site.

Unsolicited editing

Saves off VFD

I loiter at the Votes For Deletion (VFD) water-cooler, where bad articles go to die, looking for articles to save. It's more social than picking requests off a list, and it carries the satisfaction that every good job displaces one of Uncyclopedia's worst. It's like being the local Simon Cowell (though I'm probably also the object of one unsatisfied customer's reference to "Uncyclopedia's Hitler Youth"). I've thus taken custody of the following articles:

Featured 15-Apr-14
Free Dildos for Inmates?

And I provided clerical help, but disclaim responsibility, for several articles that were rescued from VFD when I instigated but didn't exactly volunteer. I would take myself out of the article history, if I could; and am doing the reader a huge favor at great possible personal risk by making links out of the following:

A save off VFH

Amid repairing Uncyclopedia's worst articles, I once exercised the presumption of repairing an article claimed to be Uncyclopedia's best. (The claim was one of many made, by nominating it for main-page featuring, by a user who wouldn't know a quality article if it bit him.) This strategy proved to be the fast track for featuring.

Placement Is Treatment

So said The Fat Man in the novel The House of God. That is, a workable (I mean billable) alternative to delivering treatment is to hand off the patient to the right specialist. My involvement on VFD and elsewhere has induced other, more knowledgeable users to go for the Save on the following:

And sometimes, I am the one without a chair when the music ends:

UnNews and UnNews Audio

Microphone on stand

In February 2010, the pickings became slim on VFD of salvageable articles. I parlayed an interest in current events into submissions to UnNews, usually closely based on actual but already-mostly-absurd emissions of the AP wire. I also did some audio UnNews reports, returning to a hobby I had not had since before everything was computerized. My work on UnNews is listed on a separate page, which you should visit if you have feedback or suggestions for new items.

My style

Cow Cutie Pie

I'm here because I enjoy using MediaWiki, enjoy writing precisely (am a technical editor in Real Life), and like to make people laugh. I tried for a long time to avoid the politics of the site, and generally don't vote on individual or article honors, except that I vote on Votes for deletion, by way of paying admission to that salvage yard; and I welcome being given the Goldstein Award month after month.

My sense of humor is one of the drier ones here--the best examples are the virtually jokeless There Isn't Any and Objectivity. I avoid goofy flights of fancy unless they have a double meaning or otherwise relate to reality. Most everything I write has the seeds of truth, but the stems and leaves are total crap, developed with the low standards of research appropriate to this site. I'll engage in flights of fancy when I can weave it back to the theme or turn it into a conundrum, as in Dianalysis. I dislike toilet humor, as I write to amuse and not offend--unless the droppings are deeply buried in strategic comedy, as when I called the simian Hindu god Hanuman the Patron Saint of throwing feces, or digress in a passage on eating Cap'n Crunch to mention also sucking off Tony the Tiger.

Greedo solo

I plan humor with seriousness and think the parts of this web site that direct the user, such as page titles and categories, should not crack wise. Some say I state opinions in a tone more fit for divine mandates. I write concisely in a style that resembles spoken American, overuse commas to indicate pauses in speech, and am happy to end sentences with prepositions.

Fun facts

Spike the Dog (08e)

The ballpark is the perfect place to meet like-minded companions.

  • Spike is not morbidly obese (though perhaps that's only knowable in retrospect) nor orally fixated, as these animations might suggest.
  • Spike often cooks at home, following his First Law of Home Economics: If the sauce is curry or Szechuan, nothing has to be fresh. Cultural realism is not a criterion either, resulting in works like Hamburger Tikka Masala.
  • Spike is a late adopter of technology. Every Windows system in the house is a 2500-song jukebox spanning decades, one-eighth of the songs recut and recombined the way they should have been recorded. Except for that and web surfing, everything would be DOS.
  • Spike brings a netbook to the baseball stadium and works on articles during the frequent lapses in live action. With a single keystroke, he can claim to be "checking out-of-town scores."

2011 sabbatical

I got banned for a week in April 2011. I was offered a nice short leash on which I could stay but instead rode out the week and felt nothing but liberation, the second of four UnNews Editors-in-Chief to burn out. My next outlet was an online newspaper comment section. I became notorious enough to win two short stints on a radio program in a small city upstate. My legislators didn't know my name but the greeters at their public meetings did. But the newspaper website was even less moderated against trolling, and in May 2012, it dabbled with pay-to-play and I returned to create new Uncyclopedia articles again. But the wireless Hot Spot above my kitchen sink had gone stone cold. After a year-long dalliance with T-Mobile involving waiting half a minute for pages to render, I now have a better connection, but still pay per megabyte, meaning I still mostly run with images and JavaScript off.

From zero to hero


I kept my distance from the trolls who used to run the place, but in January 2013, chanting anti-corporation slogans, they stampeded a large number of Uncyclopedians to a separate website owned and controlled by them, over issues ranging from the political tone-deafness of our web-host personnel to the unsurprising fact that any Creative Department always works with other departments filled with the non-creative. They expect a Sugar Daddy to subsidize the work that we all have been providing for free for years, or hope for financial viability despite being too swell to coexist with advertisers. They don't realize that pay-to-play is coming to a website near them.

Now I was suddenly the leading candidate for Admin, based mostly on the compelling fact that nearly everyone else had left (and my most ardent backers would do likewise a couple weeks after the vote). This also happened to me once in the statewide organization of a small political party. I have gone from walking on eggshells to being The Law during some early-morning stretches. I check Uncyclopedia frequently throughout the day — except if there is a ball game.

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