From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“My goal in life is to cross my vocation and avocation, just like my eyes cross when I see a woman with an awesome pair of chest monkeys”
“Interned for a year on Wikipedia. That's why he's like that.”
“Three things from which we all benefit but which we ought not watch being made, are sausages, laws, and Special:RecentChanges”
SPIKE since 3-Feb-13
Registered user since 3-Oct-09 (was
SpikeFromNH from 30-Jul-09) (was I.P.Anon from 2-Jul-09)
Location: New Hampshire (UTC-5, UTC-4 in summer)
Writer of the Month December 2010 and November 2012
Uncyclopedian of the Month October 2010
Order of Uncyclopedia since 3-Feb-13
K.C. Grand Cross since 1-Jan-11
Knight Commander since 3-Apr-10
Commander since 1-Mar-10
Major since 3-Feb-13
Lieutenant since 11-May-10
SSgt since 6-Mar-10
Sysop since 3-Feb-13
Autopatrolled since its inception
Rename/rollback since 25-Oct-10
Former maintainer of:
- UnNews Audio
- UnNews Front Page
- The UnNews Specialty Indexes (Sports Page, Washington Bureau, Oil Spill, Sappy news)
Other areas of interest: UnNews articles, Rescuing articles off VFD, Northeast US, Latin America, India, American race relations, Baseball
I started with New Hampshire during July, 2009. When no one discarded my work with a snippy note against "original research," I signed on and dug in on articles about places I've been:
And I've performed gut-and-paste jobs requested by a tag in the article, on:
- ↑ However, the solicitation was made by one of Uncyclopedia's perennial problem children, and while he was banned from the site.
- African American
- American cuisine NEW Featured 16-Apr-13
- Ann Arbor
- Arequipa, Peru
- Assembly language
- Atheist Hell
- Baha'i NEW
- Bitcoin NEW Featured 14-Dec-12
- Boehner, John
- Cadillac, Michigan NEW Featured 31-Jan-13
- Cap'n Crunch NEW with ScottPat
- Chat Roulette
- Cullen, Bill NEW
- Dianalysis NEW
- Flag Burning Amendment
- Global warming
- Globalization NEW
- Grand Rapids, Michigan Featured 5-Jan-13
- Guyana Featured 14-Nov-12
- Hanuman NEW
- Hmor with Romartus Featured 21-Oct-12
- Hong Kong
- Isle of Man
- Kalamazoo, Michigan
- Kerala Featured 25-Dec-12
- Koch Brothers NEW Featured 23-Dec-12
- Kudlow, Larry NEW
- Magical girl
- Maine Featured 22-Jun-12
- Massholes Redone
- Mensa NEW Featured 16-Nov-12
- Michigan Tech
- Minor League Baseball with HauntedUndies Featured 4-May-12
- Most overused 100 Star Trek episode plots
- Multrum, Clivus NEW
- Nashua, New Hampshire
- Nutella NEW Featured 29-Jan-13
- Obama, Barack
- Obama's birth NEW
- Ped Xing NEW
- Prime Directive NEW Featured 20-Jul-12
- Québec with Mattsnow
- Red Hot Pawn with PuppyOnTheRadio
- Rules of baseball 8th PLS, Oct-09
- Scarlet fever
- Serenity (film) NEW
- Max Stirner
- Talk radio NEW Featured 9-Nov-12
- Tea Party movement NEW
- Tetragrammaton Featured 30-Jun-12
- There Isn't Any NEW Featured 2-Aug-12
- Threat NEW
- Truth or Consequences
- Volleyball NEW Featured 9-Aug-12
- West, Delonte NEW
- White people
- Work Featured 23-Jan-10
- Yes, we can!
Saves off VFD
Lately I've been loitering at the Votes For Deletion (VFD) water-cooler, where bad articles go to die, looking for articles to save. It's more social than picking requests off a list, and it carries the satisfaction that every good job displaces one of Uncyclopedia's worst. It's like being the local Simon Cowell (though I'm probably also the object of one unsatisfied customer's reference to "Uncyclopedia's Hitler Youth"). I've thus taken custody of the following articles:
- Angry Asian Kid
- Argumentum ad
- Basement Dweller
- Beanie Baby
- Ben Folds Five
- Boulez, Pierre
- Brave New World
- Captain Selfish
- Chagas disease
- Chemical bonding
- Chicken McNuggets
- Constitution (gaming)
- Corn Featured 3-Nov-12
- Dark matter
- Death slot
- Doctor of the Church
to replace Dramamine Pathway
- Fantasy sports
- Faroe Islands
- Flint, Michigan
- Geldof, Peaches
- Golspie, Scotland
- Gorder, Genevieve
- Great Library of Alexandria
with Aleister in ChainsFeatured 18-Feb-13
- Inland Northwest
- Jam Jesus with Romartus
- James, LeBron
- Korea (disambiguation)
- London congestion charge
- McNamara, Robert
- Miss America
- MS-DOS NEW
- Mustaches of Legend
- New Panama Canal NEW
- Newton's fourth law
- el Niño
- North Dakota
- Objectivity Featured 1-Sep-12
- Pearl Harbor
- Peter Pan
- Pink Panther Party
- the Quaker Oats guy
Redirected from William Penn
- Reimu Hakurei
- Rice burner
- Rule of Thumb
- St. Clairsville, Ohio
with Aleister in Chains
- St. Columbo
- San Andreas Fault
- Saskatchewan Featured 17-Dec-10
- Slot car to replace Slot cars
- Speedy Gonzalez
- Mr. Sulu
- Sunny D
- Survival of the Fittest
Replaces "Survival of the Sickest"
- System of a Down
- Telugu language
- Things that don't exist
- Uncyclopedia, Inc. Alt. version of Uncyclopedia
- Vector calculus
- White van
- the Wish Fish
And I provided clerical help, but disclaim responsibility, for several articles that were rescued from VFD when I instigated but didn't exactly volunteer. I would take myself out of the article history, if I could; and am doing the reader a huge favor at great possible personal risk by making links out of the following:
- 12 Fundamental Cheeses
- 24 Hour Breakfast War
- 3D animation was History of 3d Animation
- Challengers of the Fantastic
- the Creating Philosophers
- Drunken neighbour
- Fat People are Harder to Kidnap
- Frink, Professor
- the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
- Kurdish Military Industries Featured 29-Mar-10
- Mars Climate Orbiter
- Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil
- Thomas, Dave
A save off VFH
Amid repairing Uncyclopedia's worst articles, I once exercised the presumption of repairing an article claimed to be Uncyclopedia's best. (The claim was one of many made, by nominating it for main-page featuring, by a user who wouldn't know a quality article if it bit him.) This strategy proved to be the fast track for featuring.
- Hairy ball theorem Featured 7-Nov-12
Placement Is Treatment
So said The Fat Man in the novel The House of God. That is, a workable (I mean billable) alternative to delivering treatment is to hand off the patient to the right specialist. My involvement on VFD and elsewhere has induced other, more knowledgeable users to go for the Save on the following:
And sometimes, I am the one without a chair when the music ends:
In February 2010, the pickings became slim on VFD of salvageable articles. I parlayed an interest in current events into submissions to UnNews, usually closely based on actual but already-mostly-absurd emissions of the AP wire. I also did some audio UnNews reports, returning to a hobby I had not had since before everything was computerized. My work on UnNews is listed on a separate page, which you should visit if you have feedback or suggestions for new items.
Recommended articles by other people
There are pearls here, such as the marvelous article based on the premise that a baseball team owner could create the Birmingham Niggers without understanding the offensiveness. I am watching it, and other race-based articles listed above, to keep it subtle and keep the rants and name-calling out.
Expressing your anger is a distant second to being funny--except that someone's article on My ex-wife masterfully does both: It conveys anger authentically but is still as funny as the stand-up comedy Sam Kinison did. Can't improve it.
I'm here because I enjoy using MediaWiki, enjoy writing precisely (am a technical editor in Real Life), and like to make people laugh. I tried for a long time to avoid the politics of the site, and generally don't vote on individual or article honors, except that I vote on Votes for deletion, by way of paying admission to that salvage yard; and I welcome being given the Goldstein Award month after month.
My sense of humor is one of the drier ones here--the best example is the virtually jokeless There Isn't Any and Objectivity. I prefer to take familiar subjects and tell the truth in a funny way, or contribute facts that are funny by themselves, over goofy flights of fancy unless they have a double meaning or otherwise relate to reality. Most everything I write has the seeds of truth. But the stems and leaves are total crap and it's developed with the low standards of research appropriate to this site. I'll engage in flights of fancy when I can weave it back to the theme or turn it into a conundrum, as in Dianalysis. I dislike toilet humor, as I write to amuse and not offend--unless the droppings are deeply buried in strategic comedy, as when I called the simian Hindu god Hanuman the Patron Saint of throwing feces, or digress in a passage on eating Cap'n Crunch to mention also sucking off Tony the Tiger.
My bias is to distrust large organizations, but thus more greatly distrust the use of government force to remake them and us. I hope thus to be able to ridicule both sides, but mostly ridiculed one side in Global warming: Scientists making unmeasurable declarations of cause and effect, and recommending policy, are not practicing science; science is never "settled" and does not work on "consensus."
When not writing humor, I get serious. I think the parts of this web site that direct the user, such as Categories, should not crack wise. I don't use humor when planning the writing of humor, and have been criticized for stating opinions in a tone more fitting to a divine mandate.
I wrote in British English in the 'nineties while a consultant to a computer consortium in Reading, England. I'm now back to American English (except for "judgement" and "saveable"). I write concisely in a style that resembles spoken American, overuse commas to indicate pauses in speech, and am happy to end sentences with prepositions.
This joint is more fun than Wikipedia, because there are fewer Small Minds pursuing consistency and Mandarins who exalt the style manual and reject work that is useful instead of merely formal. Both sites have their goal, but here it's end-result (making people laugh), whereas on Wikipedia it's preoccupied with process.
With the pearls mentioned above, however, is a lot of chaff, not involving subtlety, wryness, ridiculing the ridiculous, or pursuing an absurdity, but just clever gibberish, sometimes unclever, the history of the future, explanations in terms of God-versus-Satan, and life as a videogame. After I've changed an article from those memes to a subtle poke at the real world, I defend it against the insertion of Grue templates, quotes from Oscar Wilde, and comparable initiatives to demonstrate the contributor's cleverness, especially Mr. I.P.Anon who never writes a change summary.
Sections on "Fun facts" or "Little-known facts" or "Trivia" are invitations for I.P., who can't write but only Tweet, to contribute his most clever one-liner. This never develops the article's canon and usually repeats a joke already told earlier. 'Cause he can't read either.
However, as every reader who misunderstands you does so for a reason and may identify a problem with your writing, every contributor, no matter how brief or misguided, alerts you to a new direction in which the article could go. I hope to be of good cheer and accept their help if it makes any sense at all.
- Spike is not morbidly obese (though perhaps that's only knowable in retrospect) nor orally fixated, as these animations might suggest.
- Spike often cooks at home, following his First Law of Home Economics: If the sauce is curry or Szechuan, nothing has to be fresh. Cultural realism is not a criterion either, resulting in works like Hamburger Tikka Masala.
- Spike is a late adopter of technology. Every Windows system in the house is a 2500-song jukebox spanning decades, one-eighth of the songs recut and recombined the way they should have been recorded. Except for that and web surfing, everything would be DOS.
- Spike brings a netbook to the baseball stadium and works on articles during the frequent lapses in live action. With a single keystroke, he can claim to be "checking out-of-town scores."
I got banned for a week in April 2011. I was offered a chance to cut the ban short by agreeing to an "office rule" on future behavior, but one clique was already twisting my words so cleverly as to ensure they could use the rule to demand a follow-on ban on a whim. So I rode out the week and felt nothing but liberation, the second of four UnNews Editors-in-Chief to quit.
My next creative outlet was a newspaper comment section. I became notorious enough to win two short stints on a radio program in a small city upstate. My legislators didn't know who I was, but the greeters at their public meetings did. But the newspaper website was even less moderated against trolling, and in May 2012, it began to dabble with the pay-to-play concept, and I returned to create new Uncyclopedia articles again.
From zero to hero
I kept my distance from that clique of Admins, but in 2013, chanting anti-corporation slogans, they stampeded a large number of Uncyclopedians to a separate website owned and controlled by them, over issues ranging from the political tone-deafness of our web-host personnel to the unsurprising fact that any Creative Department always works with other departments filled with the non-creative. They expect a Sugar Daddy to subsidize the work that we all have been providing for free for years, or hope for financial viability despite being too swell to coexist with advertisers. They don't realize that pay-to-play is coming to a website near them.
Now I was suddenly the leading candidate for Admin, based mostly on the compelling fact that nearly everyone else had left the room (and my most ardent backers would do likewise a couple weeks after the vote). This also happened to me once in the statewide organization of a small political party. I have gone from walking on eggshells to being The Law during some early-morning stretches. I check Uncyclopedia frequently throughout the day — except if there is a baseball game.