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NH token The

March-August-November 2010

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The Emmanuel
Goldstein Award
of Excellence in
the Distribution
of Misinformation


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of the


I started writing UnNews releases in February 2010 and recording audio versions later in the same month. I recorded all 11 audio releases on UnNews in that month, which made me a lock for the Goldstein award. There is no better way to earn a Manny than for no one else to qualify.

I've done about 15 audios per month since then, while the rest of the Uncyclopedia community has obligingly left the field entirely. In June, Dexter, who had revived the lost art of narrating articles, suggested I could be Narrator of the Month if I'd crank out three of them, and that was habit-forming too.

In September, 2010, the Reverend Zim ulator abdicated as the Chief of UnNews over a call for a vote on his typographical affectations and a technical rewrite of the Front Page. Drama and dickery ensued and he is now a larger fish in a smaller pond. I laid out the Front Page in his absence until the same duo caught up with me as well. That began my sabbatical from Uncyclopedia, during which the awards I used to win were discontinued.

This page lists all my UnNews contributions, and is the place to discuss the text and audio versions. New topics at the end, please.

edit Contributions

February 5 Hillary accuses Sanders of "smear"
February 2 UnNews:Carson campaign tries derangement
January 31 UnNews:India makes strides in sex parity
January 26 UnNews:Hillary dies during CNN debate
UnNews:America's conservatives claim Trump is mislabeled
January 20 UnNews:Obama to be last US President
January 18 UnNews:ISIS issues pay cut
January 16 UnNews:MLK "Fun Shoot" cancelled
UnNews:Peake cake walk scrubbed
January 12 UnNews:Rand Paul dissed, blows off debate
January 10 UnNews:India rail touts low price of India rail
UnNews:Democrats to fix crowded debate (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
January 8 UnNews:US diet tips randomized again
January 6 UnNews:Sanders bets on black voters in New Hampshire
January 2 UnNews:Mein Kampf enters public domain
UnNews:US to thwart ISIS recruiting
December 29 UnNews:Al-Jazeera accuses Manning of HGH
December 26 UnNews:Bristol Palin drops another one
December 24 UnNews:US may change Rules of Engagement
December 23 UnNews:Names removed from Kentucky marriage licenses
December 21 UnNews:Blatter busted for 8 years
December 20 UnNews:Jeb Bush to carpet-bomb Agrabah (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
December 19 UnNews:Company changes name to avoid confusion with terrorists
December 18 UnNews:Force Awakens after long, anxious wait
December 17 UnNews:Cruz spills the beans
December 13 UnNews:US Treasury stalls new $10 bill
December 11 UnNews:Forecasters miss oil-price rout
December 5 UnNews:Mexico completes switchover to HDTV
December 4 UnNews:Zuckerberg: New charity is legitimate
December 2 UnNews:Jeb vows to pick a weird veep
November 30 UnNews:Record "Terrorist Tuesday" seen
November 29 UnNews:Spiked baseball bats found in San Francisco
November 28 UnNews:Activists gear up for critical climate talks
November 26 UnNews:Thanksgiving celebrated with stealth disclosures
November 24 UnNews:ASEAN declares itself a Community
November 23 UnNews:Papal kiss causes miracle
November 19 UnNews:India improves in new national survey
November 17 UnNews:Uncyclopedia declares "funny war" against ISIS
November 16 UnNews:Markets shrug off Paris attacks
November 15 UnNews:US teams teach Brazil how to deal with orange river
November 11 UnNews:GOP holds another debate
November 9 UnNews:Americans embrace "tiny houses"
November 7 UnNews:Obama KOs the XL
November 5 UnNews:Scientists find the cause of dinosaur extinction
October 31 UnNews:Kerry: Boots-on-the-ground is no big deal (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 30 UnNews:GOP chief sues networks
October 28 UnNews:Candidates tout poverty bona-fides
October 26 UnNews:Governors make World Series bet (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 24 UnNews:Jeb denies campaign is on the ropes
October 22 UnNews:Biden, Ryan ask voters to beg them to serve
October 20 UnNews:Oprah buys Weight Watchers
October 14 UnNews:Trump wins Democratic debate (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 13 UnNews:Uncyclopedia to abandon humor
October 8 UnNews:Murdoch: Obama not really "black"
October 3 UnNews:New York Jets prepare for London game‎
October 1 UnNews:Engineering fixes more things that were not broken (with EStop)
September 28 UnNews:NASA hints at life in solar system
September 25 UnNews:Boehner gone, nation relieved
September 23 UnNews:Yogi Bear, 80, dies at Jellystone
September 22 UnNews:Kudlow again teases Senate bid
September 21 UnNews:Patriots are still cheating
September 18 UnNews:Burger King finds collaborator for charity hamburger
September 16 UnNews:GOP debate not to be all about Trump (exported to Inciclopedia) (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
September 12 UnNews:Hillary helps prepare evidence against her
September 9 UnNews:Hillary sorry, nation set to Move On (exported to Inciclopedia) (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
September 7 UnNews:Congress reconvenes, wrestles with national Trump crisis (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
September 5 UnNews:Jeb surges as all others shoot selves in feet
September 3 UnNews:Judge throws out Brady suspension
September 2 UnNews:Uncyclopedia unaffected by Wikipedia scam
August 31 UnNews:Christie: Let's bar-code immigrants
August 26 UnNews:Sandwich chain proposes P.R. Whopper‎
UnNews:Megyn Kelly shamed further
August 25 UnNews:Expert: Even odds stock market may go up
August 24 UnNews:ISIS destroys World Heritage site, critics split
August 21 UnNews:Subway rolls out new ads as Jared goes to prison (with EStop)
August 19 UnNews:Bush says it's "Fine" if voters dislike his positions
August 17 UnNews:Lock broken at Sault Ste. Marie (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
August 15 UnNews:Trump puts reporterette in her place
August 8 UnNews:Planned Parenthood gets pranked (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
July 30 UnNews:New batch of hate words is ready (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
July 26 UnNews:US Senators do a deal
July 24 UnNews:US parties fight spate of plain-speaking (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
July 10 UnNews:South Carolina renounces slavery, again
July 8 UnNews:Hillary corrals reporters
July 6 UnNews:Greek crisis enters crisis phase (first segment) (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
July 4 UnNews:Sulu discovers new life form
July 3 UnNews:Concept flight reaches trendsetting Hawaii
June 29 UnNews:Greece finally gets it right
June 28 UnNews:Obama privatizes kidnapping industry (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
June 27 UnNews:Brady wins at US Supreme Court
June 23 UnNews:SC shooting induces panic by legislators
June 20 UnNews:Pope says everything is true, and related‎
June 18 UnNews:Former Nokia CEO leaving Microsoft
UnNews:US to put woman on $10 bill‎‎
June 14 UnNews:Obama-care for carry-ons
June 13 UnNews:Han Solo implicated by new evidence
June 11 UnNews:Gibbs to bring Obama approach to McDonald's
June 8 UnNews:Sears sale/leaseback opens new chapter in losing money
June 5 UnNews:ISIS suffers intelligence setback
UnNews:Massive U.S. data breach affects everyone
June 1 UnNews:UN climate group seeks to bypass Congress
May 30 UnNews:Sanders campaign weathers first scandal (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
May 29 UnNews:SNP MPs quickly become a headache
May 27 UnNews:Kenyan bids on Malia Obama
UnNews:Biden phones Iraq to make nice
May 26 UnNews:Nothing happening; newsmen adapt
May 24 UnNews:Greece a bit further toward the edge
May 21 UnNews:Rand Paul filibuster fizzles
May 20 UnNews:Hillary to State: Stop me before I reformat again
May 19 UnNews:Big Tech objects to U.S. spying proposal (with EStop) (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
Featured 1-Jun-15 (½ credit)
May 18 UnNews:Rival gangs battle to a draw in Waco
May 17 UnNews:Train service resumes after brief ineffective pause (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
May 16 UnNews:Lynch calls a spade a spade
May 12 UnNews:Commissioner suspends Hillary (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
May 10 UnNews:US Army women cadets wash out (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
May 7 UnNews:New England Patriots are cheaters
May 6 UnNews:Greece accuses Europe of red-lining
May 5 UnNews:ISIS claims responsibility for Texas cartoon attack (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
April 29 UnNews:Lynch becomes new U.S. Attorney General (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
April 27 UnNews:US drone kills US citizen
April 21 UnNews:US aircraft carrier readied to do nothing
April 18 UnNews:Greece scrounges for cash
April 17 UnNews:Coast Guard ship returns with 14 tons of cocaine
April 15 UnNews:Hillary unveils campaign disguise (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
April 12 UnNews:Hillary may have declared her candidacy (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
April 9 UnNews:Owner of ".sucks" asks for legal advice
April 7 UnNews:Rand Paul announces 50-state campaign
April 6 UnNews:Microsoft to hire autistic workers
April 3 UnNews:Obama to speak on green jobs in Utah -- by Jonny appleseed (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
UnNews:Mozilla gives China certificate of distrust
April 1 UnNews:Indiana toddler charged with hate speech (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 31 UnNews:Iran deal done, except for details (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 25 UnNews:Water becomes the newest Human Right
March 24 UnNews:Crash of Germanwings plane is a mystery (Updated March 26)
March 22 UnNews:RaceTogether races to oblivion
March 21 UnNews:Competitors race to match Starbucks abuse of customers (EStop helped)
March 20 US voting to remain voluntary
March 15 UnNews:All eyes are on the F.E.D. (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
UnNews:Russians hack State Department; Hillary files are safe
March 11 Hillary comes really clean (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 8 UnNews:US has no room to store new tax forms (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 6 UnNews:ISIS finally goes too far
March 1 UnNews:Putin adversary dies; the West is baffled‎
February 28 UnNews:Mr. Spock passes away
February 25 UnNews:US Army promotes "play therapy"
February 23 UnNews:Greece promises new boss is not the same as the old boss
February 20 UnNews:Chihuahuans form record gas line (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
February 19 UnNews:Ash Carter sworn in at DoD
February 14 UnNews:First-ever openly furry candidate for Congress
February 11 UnNews:Bush 45 dumps documents on own foot
February 8 UnNews:Obama explains continuing Muslim violence (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
February 5 UnNews:Jordan executions mark first-ever ISIS gaffe
February 4 UnNews:Advertiser ruins Super Bowl XLIX
January 30 UnNews:Romney not running in 2016
January 29 UnNews:More snags in Hernandez murder trial
January 27 UnNews:Oh God it's snowing hard
January 25 UnNews:Obama to save the day by attending Abdullah funeral (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
January 23 UnNews:SkyMall goes broke
January 22 UnNews:Windows 10 will include glasses and fake nose
January 20 UnNews:New England steals AFC trophy (Gnome-speakernotes listen) (Updated)
January 19 UnNews:Mourning after: US delegation arrives in Paris
January 14 UnNews:UnNews authors warned not to mention pork
January 12 UnNews:Pols: Don't politicize Paris killings
January 10 UnNews:Congress OKs the XL
January 7 UnNews:France opens newspaper "anyone can edit"
January 5 UnNews:EU: No one is getting out
January 4 UnNews:Obama-care confusion ends

but wait--there's more!

edit Format

edit Content

Almost all my UnNews releases key off an actual piece of news, typically taking an item from the Associated Press and either misinterpreting it or carrying it to its logical conclusion.

edit Audio


The ASR33 TeleType is a staple of any good newsroom. (Internet? What's that?) WINS 1010 KHz in New York City still uses the sound effect behind its news reporting.

My UnNews audio features use a mix of the British UnNews theme jingle that I fade into a TeleType sound effect. They end by repeating the British theme, truncated and with a faster fade-out. My sports features start with a custom mix of "Pennant Fever," composed by James Newton Howard for the movie Major League.

Signature lines

My features begin by reading the headline and then adding, "Stay tuned--for UnNews!" which is a nod to the late radio commentator Paul Harvey. They end with the catch-line, "This has been UnNews, a service of Uncyclopedia. Straight talk from straight faces." These are not "official" UnNews Audio tag lines and no one is required to use them, nor to follow any rules except to be funny. The finale, "My name is Spike. No, seriously" is not adaptable to other news readers, unless your Uncyclopedia handle is also what people call you in real life, in which case I pity some of you.

Running jokes

My UnNews features have repeated the following jokes:

  • The Republican Party is "the minority party, whose name could not be determined," or something similar; likewise the names of its leaders, to mock them for not standing up to Barack Obama during all of 2009, when he had Godlike popularity.
  • In audio features, "Washington D.C." becomes an adoring "Washington, the capital," recalling Jackson Browne's Lawyers in Love.

In early features, the audio anchor (perhaps like Ted Baxter on the Mary Tyler Moore Show) was inexplicably unable to pronounce "Massachusetts." I ditched this because it is always ambiguous whether a bad performance is funny, or just bad.

Audio setup

I record the audio features using the freeware Audacity package. I listen through earphones to the theme and sound effects, playing on one Audacity track, while recording through a Blue "Snowball" USB microphone onto a different track, digitally record this last track to remove stuttering, pauses, and flubs. Audacity then merges the tracks and appends the finale (a repeat of the British UnNews theme with a voiceover). The TeleType effect hides any background noise and gasps of breath.

edit Technical details

Sound editor

My former audio editor, showing (in green) the contents of a monaural (single-channel) WAV file at about the right volume level: The highest peaks and valleys just touch the edge of the window. You can see, at the start and end of the audio clip, portions without voice but only the UnNews theme.

WAV files

A wave file (the filename ends in .WAV) samples sound a certain number of times per second and stores the energy level at each sample as a 16-bit number (between plus and minus 32,767). Like graphics on an old printer, where curves turn into jagged lines, the copy isn't exact, but only concert violinists have any problems with CD-quality WAV files (44100 samples per second). Any audio editor program will show you your voice as a wave, like an oscilloscope.

Wave files are huge, but there is no need to send them between computers, and any computer made in the last ten years will handle them easily. Don't use 8-bit recording. These files are half as big, but store each sample as an 8-bit number (between plus and minus 127). You can make out voice and music, but fade-outs get very hissy.

Experiment with volume levels. Too loud, and your recorder will try to record values beyond 32,767. The wave will get an artificial flat top (the sound will be "clipped") and it will sound bad. Too soft, and the listener will have to crank up his set--but this means you aren't using the full range, and your voice will be recorded with less accuracy. Ideally, you should record a test, look at it with a sound editor, and ensure that the loudest point of your feature just touches the top and bottom of the graph area. If the sound only gets halfway to those edges, you are recording 10 decibels softer than you could, and using only half the available accuracy.

You don't need a recording studio, but plaster, tile, and hardwood surfaces may produce noticeable echo. If you care, you can reduce this with wall-hangings, which may be towels. Plug a real microphone into the PC's microphone jack instead of using a built-in microphone. Background noises won't interfere with your voice but may be detectable during moments of silence. Record a test and play it back at full volume, or look at it in an audio editor, to see what background noise you are recording.

MP3 files

Sounds are waves, and you can make a smaller file by describing the shape of the wave than by specifying every point on the curve. That's what MP3 files do. Playing MP3 files is an exact science, but translating a wave file into MP3 is an art that is done with differing quality. You specify how big, per unit of time, you want the MP3 file to be, and the encoder (or compressor) fills the space with as detailed a description of the wave as will fit.

The human mind doesn't hear sound so much as it senses things happening; you cannot hear a bell tinkling at the same time as an explosion; you cannot hear a soft C-sharp at the same time as a loud C. Your mind filters these sounds out as distractions. A good MP3 encoder omits from the file many sounds you are unlikely to be able to hear, freeing more space in the file to represent sounds of more relevance. Different minds perceive differently, and opinions differ about the quality of sound produced by various encoders. I have no preference.

Recommended settings
Microphone on stand

Using one of these helps your voice be heard.

I don't select 44100 Hz (CD-quality) 16-bit stereo, but 22050 Hz 16-bit mono, which is adequate for voice. This produces WAV files 1/4 of the size of CD-quality files (2.646 Mb/min rather than 10.584 Mb/min). The common 128 Kbit/sec (kbps) MP3 setting reserves 0.96 Mb/min, but I select 96 kbps, producing files of 0.72 Mb per minute without noticeable drop-off in sound quality. (A Mb is about one thousandth of a gigabyte.)


MP3 files can contain descriptions as well as music. Much MP3-playing software lets you type or edit these descriptions. My audio clips don't use ID3. For your information--

  • ID3v1 lets you add a few, fixed-length fields to the end of an MP3 file, such as artist, album name, song name, and comments.
  • ID3v2 is at the start of the MP3 file, so software can display it without searching to the end of the file. There are more fields, and they can be much longer, including multi-line comments.

Neither MP3 files nor WAV files contain computer code or any way for a virus to infect your computer. Even a file that claims to be an MP3 but isn't can't damage your computer, if you deal with it through an audio player. (MP3 files with ID3v2 can contain a web link, and if your player gives you a button to click, and if you click it, this could take you to a web site that doesn't play by the rules.)

edit Talk page for UnNews and UnNews Audio

edit UnNews:2015 British general election

Perhaps you misinterpreted what I meant by putting a border around articles. I was referring to the UnNews front page itself and having the top two election articles bordered on that. I don't mind your idea anyway, it's fine. The only problem is that the borders around the articles on the election coverage page have played a bit of havoc with the formatting as now one article is above the other. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 14:16, April 3, 2015 (UTC)

I didn't misinterpret that idea; I rejected it. If it becomes clear enough how to get to the Election Front Page (there is now a link from the website main page), we suddenly have more feature slots, and ought to use them to let more articles be featured for longer. (Also, on 1-Apr, we got quite a slew of them!)
I saw the formatting problem and thought I had solved it. It began when I specified padding for graphics that had the border: The extra space seems to have expanded the graphic's overall width (beyond half the total column), rather than taken it from the width granted to the text inside. Will investigate further. Spıke Ѧ 14:47 3-Apr-15
Thanks. The news articles will come when I (or others) feel like writing one. There's no point trying to push it and sacrifice what little quality my UnNews' already have for a quota. As for today, the papers are just talking about a 7 way election debate that occurred last night that due to a large number of participants doesn't seem to have any victors. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 14:52, April 3, 2015 (UTC)
Reminds me of a 2012 event in New Hampshire, illustration at Tea Party movement. These were the Seven intellectual Dwarves. Ultimately we settled on a Bush, though he was named Romney. As for the formatting problem, I had coded the blue border so that your template had to have border=none (omitting it wouldn't work). I have now recoded it so that omitting it will work. But if you code border=navy on a side-by-side graphic, you'll see that the problem recurs. Spıke Ѧ 14:56 3-Apr-15

Cheers. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 15:05, April 3, 2015 (UTC)

It turns out we needed box-sizing: border-box to clarify that the width of the graphic is gross as opposed to net (which was the traditional definition). I added -moz-box-sizing: border-box to make it work back to Firefox 4; older browsers may still have the problem. Spıke Ѧ 15:20 3-Apr-15

edit UnNews Front Page: Sex of next British PM

It's a small thing really but I notice that you've mentioned, "with a view to making one of several really silly men the face of the nation". Considering that out of the top 7 parties, 3 have female leaders (soon to be third most popular party, SNP, included), I thought it would be more apt to change it to "men and women" or "politicians". Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 11:00, April 8, 2015 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Australia to sanction good parenting

I am SO going to write this UnNews (since IrishFlukey probably won't). Wanna play with it too when I'm done? --EStop (talk) 09:00, May 6, 2015 (UTC)

He didn't sound like he would. Go wild! I will certainly be in afterward. Spıke Ѧ 09:01 6-May-15

edit UnNews:Chuka Umunna to run for Labour leadership on Template:RecentUnNews

Thanks for putting this up their Spike. I notice you've slotted it in under the British GE. The GE reporting has finished now. This was supposed to be simply a British politics UnNews. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 17:27, May 13, 2015 (UTC)

It seems to me like fallout from the GE. You have no duty to add this to the GE feature page; the link on the main page lets the reader go straight to it. You really want it moved to a separate single-bullet item? Spıke Ѧ 17:37 13-May-15
PS--One oddity right before the punch line at the end of the first paragraph. The first of your three Umunna attributes seem to be disparaging; the others do not. Spıke Ѧ 17:43 13-May-15
PPS--Chuka Umunna has a good working relationship with Congress's Chakka Fattah and Motown's Chaka Khan, and is on a first-name basis with U.S. President Chuck Taylor. The race to compile the most minority-group bonus points can be seen in the U.S., as the only way to out-do a black Attorney General who happens to be anti-police was with a black female Attorney General who happens to be anti-police. Spıke Ѧ 17:59 13-May-15

edit UnNews:Rival gangs battle to a draw in Waco‎

Are you thinking about covering Waco at all Spike? Not getting much inspiration from the newswires at the minute, I can do a piece on Umunna quitting the Labour leadership race only after three days... he's more Tory than Cameron. I've got a daft, black humor on a teddy bear's picnic in mind which might offset a hard hitter, that has some shelf life. --EStop (talk) 09:08, May 18, 2015 (UTC)

Umunna going back on his decision is already old news in my opinion (last Thursday I think). But Spike need to take down my Umunna newspiece if it is still up. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 09:37, May 18, 2015 (UTC)
That's what was in the back of my mind. Umunna is still in the headline pages and some of the broadsheets are now speculating the whys. It might be worth doing a short one if Spike wants to keep your leadership piece up. Happy to do Waco, but Spike would write a better article than me on this story, thought to ask in case he had any intention to do that this morning. --EStop (talk) 10:08, May 18, 2015 (UTC)
Waco? I seem to recall hearing about a massacre there that, notably, did not require the U.S. Department of Justice to start it! Will investigate. Ooh! "black humor"! very good. Spıke Ѧ 10:43 18-May-15
UnNews Logo Potato
UnNews Senior Editors are currently inserting left-wing bias into this related article:
The last time I had an UnNews overtaken-by-events, I appended daily updates. If you want to do that, I'll re-headline it on the Front Page.
I've read the wires and don't see a comedy angle except developing the stereotype of Texans, harking back to the Clinton-era massacre, or trying to tie in the Juárez Dance Gang (Los Norteños), about which Smuggler (the Bullshit Bandito) had an UnNews saga a couple years ago. More random ideas for Umunna are above in Sec.18. Spıke Ѧ 10:53 18-May-15
I'll have a go with Umunna then. The Waco thing I was going to do an analysis on the character of the typical biker (as you indeed see as the only real comedy angle) and the "playground" argument that lead to this. Interested to learn more about Umnna's connection with the US. Right wing bias? Ha ha! I wonder if Labour decided to race-away from that at the last minute, because he is loaded...and highly qualified..... and smart...and therefore a Tory really. Must have been some interesting discussions between the Labour Old-Guard and the uber-liberal public-relations/image girls.... --EStop (talk) 11:19, May 18, 2015 (UTC)
Am working on Waco now, but a blur with Umunna doesn't jump out at me. Spıke Ѧ 11:21 18-May-15
Okay, I'll take another look around, see what jumps out.--EStop (talk) 11:28, May 18, 2015 (UTC)
Goodness, what if the British Left got so enamored of tokenism that they embraced a leader who was actually on the Right? Over here, such self-sabotage only occurs on the Right. Spıke Ѧ 11:38 18-May-15
Umunna was almost that very watershed, and not convinced we have seen the last of him either.... Going to do a story on the hacked passenger plane.--EStop (talk) 12:13, May 18, 2015 (UTC)
Talking of self-sabotage I had an idea of writing an article on how two of the three large Union backers who founded the Labour Party and are quite literally responsible for its existence, are now discussing whether to withdraw from the Labour Party due to its jerk rightwards in the past decade or two. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 12:56, May 18, 2015 (UTC)
So Cameron is such a horrible right-winger that he has created a gaping marketing opportunity? (Oops...more bias on my part.) Spıke Ѧ 13:01 18-May-15

It's worse than that. Cameron would be worried Umunna might leave him looking a bit like Arthur Scargill, well, Rupert Scargill at least. Umunna gives me the impression he'll ask who your tailor is as a conversion ice breaker. --EStop (talk) 13:19, May 18, 2015 (UTC)

It would be a hoot devising a dialogue between him and "Joe Cool" Obama. Spıke Ѧ 13:35 18-May-15
That's a good idea, it's been a while since we had "an UnNews interview with...". I'll have a look at that tonight. Thanks for the copy-edit and nice addition in the lede reference "other passengers". I was a bit stumped as how to address that. --EStop (talk) 15:47, May 18, 2015 (UTC)
It stems from a serious (but funny) flaw in the decades-long rush to make mishaps impossible, mentioned as a solution to the Germanwings crash and mentioned in my current rail-crash UnNews: If you propose to wrest control from the madman and transfer it to the sane outsider, how do you guarantee that the outsider is not a madman?! Spıke Ѧ 15:52 18-May-15
There's just a thing about Italian ships and South-East Asian airlines planes that allows the worst to happen to them sometimes. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 16:03, May 18, 2015 (UTC)

edit UnNews:ISIS victory takes Obama by surprise

Could we feature this on our fb page? It seems decent enough. As a plus we can then inform the writer that his contribution has made it onto an fb page, which may bring more likes for us. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 09:58, May 19, 2015 (UTC)

Both of your UnNews went on the FB page yesterday Spike.. Do you check, or want me to let you know in future? Very happy either way. --EStop (talk) 10:50, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
I went to bed before even putting this on the Front Page. It needs more than, "Iraq is lost, Obama goes, 'Duh.'" Gentlemen? Spıke Ѧ 11:10 19-May-15
I see you have done some improving. ("Truck's" as the plural must be EStop.) But the fourth paragraph, for instance, is straight rhetorical argument, in the voice of the "news reporter." No one would get away with this in the real world (except Clinton donor/moderator and Trusted News Voice George Stephanopoulus). And the lede is wrong; what happened is what happened; how X felt about what happened is not the news, unless you want to re-headline it and change the approach entirely. Spıke Ѧ 11:21 19-May-15
Yes, I am able to look at the Facebook page, and without even switching on pix and JavaScript to burn up more megabytes. It is astonishing to see articles that I did not know about, and I suspect self-promotion is at work (but then, that's Facebook) (but then, this is Uncyclopedia). Spıke Ѧ 11:21 19-May-15
Okay, I have made it a smorgasbord of the current American partisan cluster-bleep. One style note: Please don't insert ," Kerry said, " in a place in the sentence where a comma wouldn't fit; reads oddly. Also, MediaWiki:Sitenotice now advertises the Facebook page as requested. Spıke Ѧ 11:52 19-May-15
"I suspect self-promotion is at work". None of the featured articles nor featured images that have been put up were either EStop's, Romartus' or mine. With respect, this is a bit of a rash accusation. The UnNews have been taken straight from the ones on the front page, and the featured images and articles have been taken from the archives (and chosen based on which ones I liked and thought were appropriate).
I take it you are not happy enough with Johnny's UnNews to go up on fb. Thanks for the reply and I'm glad you too are enjoying the material that our fb page has thrown up. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 12:03, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
My apologies, I've just checked recent changes. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 12:06, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
No, I just thought the UnNews had too much raw partisanship. (It is now just as partisan but less raw, and is on the Front Page.) I do not have to be happy with something to have it go onto Facebook, obviously. Self-promotion or not, there is a risk of drama if Facebook becomes another forum for honoring articles with a different set of criteria, namely, insiders' opinions. Separately, do you want to pick a recent audio and post it? Spıke Ѧ 12:08 19-May-15
A recent audio for UnNews? Could you point me to somewhere I could find them? Facebook won't become that Spike. If you don't want my opinions to go into which featured articles we pick, pray tell me how else I am supposed to pick them. I have simply posted featured articles that aren't controversial. I started with one from 2005, then one from 2006, then one from 2007. The HowTo:Kill two birds with one stone has become the most popular post on the fb page (according to fb). My next featured article will be from 2008. If you would prefer to select it yourself, you can post it below and I'll put it up tomorrow. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 12:16, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
No, the solution is not to have my personal opinion replace your personal opinion. If the material has been voted FA, then my concern is mistaken. The five last UnNews Audio features are always on the Front Page, just above your TV Guide. Spıke Ѧ 12:23 19-May-15
Cheers. I had never noticed that before. Next time an UnNews comes out with an audio I'll post both up together. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 12:26, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
Don't post an article twice; when I do an audio, I modify the UnNews article to point to it with (Gnome-speakernotes listen). Spıke Ѧ 12:29 19-May-15
Thanks for padding that out Spike, you got in there before me (sorry, crew pay day today, so disappeared for a bit). Delighted to post your audio. With regards to deciding what to put on the site, the thinking is to reflect the main page and UnNews page here, plus a balance of styles and types of articles. Like a showcase of the best. One discussion was to post UnNews as it comes in and is considered good enough for feature by yourself (as the Editor of UnNews, I think that is important). That keeps the FB page current. Unfortunately, as it is only you and I that contribute to UnNews in the main, it will end up with our work on the site. That said, I am conscious that if it appears that there are the same people going up, there is little motivation to write with the FB page in mind too. I don't mind at all not having my UnNews or articles posted on FB, but perhaps it would be better still to persuade some of our writers to get into a bit of UnNews too. As for the main articles, I have stood back to watch Scott, then picked an article or two that are the other end of the spectrum.
The FB site has to reflect this site as much as possible so if you, or any of the other older hands, feel at any time the direction is wrong, very pleased to hear ideas, steers and sources of good articles etc. In fact, it is important that the community feel the site is representative of Uncyclopedia. We are still finding our feet a bit, so advice is always welcome. --EStop (talk) 12:42, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
D'accord. Do you think the fact that our catchline is on Facebook ("...that anyone can edit") makes it clear enough that, if readers like/dislike what they are looking at, they are welcome to try to outdo it? Spıke Ѧ 12:47 19-May-15
It's something I have been thinking about too. How about every few article posts on there, we post an Uncyclopedia poster to split them up - like the one Scott did at the beginning? Maybe as the last, or penultimate post of the day? I also would like a photo album created with all the pics waiting on VFP to draw people in. Perhaps another occasional poster to draw people into VFH too? --EStop (talk) 12:55, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
I neither want to endorse this nor throw cold water on it. Inviting new contributors is our bread-and-butter, but drive-by voters on VFH and VFP annoy me. Anon half-votes are either people making decisions who bear no risk for bad decisions (who rightly should be restricted to government regulatory agencies), or fallen-away Uncyclopedians who can't resist but won't use their usernames for fear of undermining their most recent rage-quit. I would not have the page be punctuated by recruitment propaganda (especially as regular articles seem to be posted with graphics in addition to the ordinary avatar, anyway); we ought not try to arm-twist people but just display our best and make it clear that the welcome mat is out. Spıke Ѧ 13:05 19-May-15
Did you know river pilots have the same luxury? They are the "experts" on the river or estuary and "expert" ship handlers; but if they crash your boat, it is your fault - because for some reason, on promotion, we instantly know every eddy in every river and estuary in the world, better than the local pilot who has been driving there for decades. I'll think about a welcome mat/banner announcing the chance to edit (not vote), that is a good idea.--EStop (talk) 13:14, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
Advice-givers at the IRS operate with comparable impunity, though the taxpayer can probably avoid penalties on top of his additional tax assessment by pointing to the bad advice the service gave him (that is, point to his illegal recording of the conversation) (though the agency isn't answering its phones this year because of malevolent, partisan budget cuts). Spıke Ѧ 13:30 19-May-15
You two need to get round to setting up your own analogy consultancy firm in order to provide great analogies that suit any occasion at bargain prices (provided they're either US politics or maritime piloting based). SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 13:32, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
Separate from my existing Wisecrack Consultancy? Spıke Ѧ 13:36 19-May-15
On this very topic, have you seen Google, Apple etc going to Obama to stop him reading encrypted phone data for Government security benefit? As if those organizations don't do the same for financial benefit? I'll have a go at this one. --EStop (talk) 13:44, May 19, 2015 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Big Tech objects to U.S. spying proposal

About to upload the Obama story Spike. As it is a specialist subject of yours, dive in if you feel inclined as always, kept it fairly light. --EStop (talk) 15:37, May 19, 2015 (UTC)

Yikes! When using irony to call someone a hypocrite, always announce what you are doing in the very first sentence! I'm going in. Spıke Ѧ 16:44 19-May-15
Righto Spike. Thought you'd be all over that news story as soon as I saw it in the Telegraph, your edit's brilliant! --EStop (talk) 17:25, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
The Torygraph sends shivers down my spine. The news story is already on fb. Congratulations. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 17:30, May 19, 2015 (UTC)
VFH this now, and let's split the credit! Spıke Ѧ 10:23 20-May-15
Great!--EStop (talk) 12:17, May 20, 2015 (UTC)
Bet you didn't realize that UnNews articles could be FAs. Spıke Ѧ 12:33 20-May-15
I didn't! They need to be pretty good though due to the short shelf life I guess. Funnily enough, I wondered about this when patrolling this morning. Did you ever read the UnNews that was in last night's recent changes UnNews:Family upset over compliment? What a great spot; those pictures and captions too! --EStop (talk) 12:46, May 20, 2015 (UTC)
It is always a challenge to get an UnNews featured before it goes out-of-date. I have only gotten two, and none at any time during my first one-year stint as UnNews editor (which was before the era of self-nomination).
The vandalized UnNews from 2009 (and I found additional vandalism) doesn't excite me; most of the amusement was provided by the real news, and all this does is interview random caricatures on their reaction to it. Spıke Ѧ 13:08 20-May-15

edit UnNews:Hillary to State: Stop me before I reformat again

Just added another photo to the piece for the FB page (make it different from your earlier story). Actually I found another way to do this while I was at it... It is up now so I can remove it from your article if you wish Spike. --EStop (talk) 10:12, May 20, 2015 (UTC)

No, much better. My illustration was a crop of a caricature from the New Yorker, drawn to, among other things, exaggerate Hillary's frumpiness, and I used it to exaggerate Hillary's frumpiness. Meh! Your photo, I assume, is stolen from somewhere else, but has actual comedy added, which is exculpatory in our book.
When a Republican proposes a balanced-budget bill, term-limits bill, or other "good government" legislation, the instinctive response is to ask the politician why he doesn't simply provide good government by exercising restraint himself. The stock wisecrack in these situations is, "Stop me before I spend again!" I was on my neighbor's porch watching him smoke a Lucky Strike, we were discussing Hillary's skullduggery, and the above adaptation came to mind. So even though the Front Page is brimming lately, I had to do a story to live beneath that headline. The first wire story I pulled up had so many openings, such as the AP/GfK poll, that it "wrote itself." (Has it gotten so bad that the Associated openly discusses doubts with a Democratic candidate?) Sorry to knock off your story about the iPlane; it's very creative and with a good illustration and has been up barely one day, but the other four are still live in the real news. Spıke Ѧ 10:22 20-May-15
No problem, a great article on Hillary. I'm Glad to see we are getting good input from Jonny Appleseed too now. Over here, the problem was ministers using tax payers money to cover costs of second homes in London, then switching their "second home" to their "first home" on the form; then renting the second-first-home to, say, a family member. As well as cleaning moats and refurnishing, or covering the porn bill if staying at a hotel of course. Nevertheless they were acting "within the rules" so it's ok, and should bear no reflection on their character as "responsible leaders", with the UK in the forefront of their minds (as well as their pockets). --EStop (talk) 10:51, May 20, 2015 (UTC)
Jonny's stories tend to need refining to comply with the terms of Poe's law, as his stories often include undressed advocacy, but he has a knack for finding and exploiting irony. And we have Romartus in abeyance; his wacky, fairy-tale-based approach is refreshingly different.
Misconduct with the expense account is mundane, not just in the legislature but in the corporate world, and it needs to be paired with something like a notorious public expression of piety to be a winner.
At the end of my Source in the Hillary story is a note from the AP author that the Republican campaign has been "consumed" by a debate on the Iraq war: an artificial invitation to second-guess initiated by reporters. "Which would you rather do, disparage the American people or disparage your party's most recent President?" This is funny but will be hard to boil down. The kicker is that, at the start of the Iraq war, Democrat Hillary was essentially a Republican too. Spıke Ѧ 11:04 20-May-15

edit UnNews:Letterman thrown in dumpster hours after final 'Late Show' episode

Could you add a link to UnNews:Hours After 'Late Show' Final Episode, David Letterman Thrown in Dumpster to the Main page? I didn't know who to ask so I'll ask another admin too so whoever sees this first. :) DAP Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 19:52, May 22, 2015 (UTC)

Hi, I like the concept and had a bit of a fiddle with it in my userspace. Is this a good direction to pull it? --EStop (talk) 10:40, May 24, 2015 (UTC)
That's an improvement, but my comment to Romartus still applies. Real Life is nearly as funny as the UnNews. Spıke Ѧ 13:47 24-May-15
Okay.--EStop (talk) 15:13, May 24, 2015 (UTC)
I did put it on the main page as Miley asked, but don't think it merits a graphic on the Front Page. You have any ideas today? I saw a promising story on Greece's finance Perils-of-Pauline, but I did this theme before, and have not yet found a way to give it significant new humor this time. Spıke Ѧ 15:17 24-May-15
Haven't looked too closely yet. Bank holiday here so we've had a few visitors. My lot are just away, so I'll see if anything jumps out now. --EStop (talk) 15:26, May 24, 2015 (UTC)
Three-day holiday here. UnNews:Greece a bit further toward the edge is mine for the day, likewise nothing more than a stretching of the Real Life news. Spıke Ѧ 15:37 24-May-15
PS--Nevertheless, as the UnNews frenzy that had forced me to go from five to seven features ended as abruptly as it began, both Miley and I now get a Front Page graphic. You may apply your improvements to Miley's article; or you may ask her first. Spıke Ѧ 19:20 24-May-15

edit UnNews:Sanders campaign weathers first scandal

I don't know how often you get praised for your UnNews Spike. Though a good answer would be: not enough. Just to let you know I enjoyed this one. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 16:38, May 30, 2015 (UTC)

Thank you! And thanks for your interest in my country's fringe candidates. But what I am really curious about is: does UnNews:SNP MPs quickly become a headache hit the spot? Spıke Ѧ 16:50 30-May-15
Sanders gets attention from international media for being unusually left for American politicians. What also gets attention is how Hilary's campaign will roll over any attempt to bring variation to a US Presidential Campaign and so Saunder's attempt is hopeless. I am pleasantly surprised to see that the small incident of novice SNP MPs breaking parliamentary etiquette travelled across the pond. The piece is fine. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 17:22, May 30, 2015 (UTC)
I only stumbled on the "clapping" violation on reviewing Ajuk's UnNews:Nick Clegg now more popular than Islamic State to see whether it related to anything in the real news. (I concluded that it did not, as I told him.) Spıke Ѧ 17:43 30-May-15
Hmm of course I haven't seen that UnNews but the concept sounds rather funny. After all, after the Lib Dem defeat, their membership suddenly increased by 5,000 - a phenomena that left political experts stunned. And also of course certain elements of the media like telling everyone that ISIS is extremely popular amongst Muslim teenage girls in an attempt to promote xenophobia. So I can see a satirical piece to be made. SirScottPat VFH NotM WotM WotY UotM 19:18, May 30, 2015 (UTC)
Well, I told him that the title was clever but it was mostly an untruth and the ensuing conversation, plus the glee of calling Cameron a shit. And he didn't change anything as he claimed. I'll put it at User:ScottPat/1 if you'd like to relate it to something in the news. Spıke Ѧ 20:41 30-May-15
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