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NH token The

March-August-November 2010

CommieLeon trotsky E G A E D M

The Emmanuel
Goldstein Award
of Excellence in
the Distribution
of Misinformation


MicrophoneBadge Article
of the


I started writing UnNews releases in February 2010 and recording audio versions later in the same month. I recorded all 11 audio releases on UnNews in that month, which made me a lock for the Goldstein award. There is no better way to earn a Manny than for no one else to qualify.

I've done about 15 audios per month since then, while the rest of the Uncyclopedia community has obligingly left the field entirely. In June, Dexter, who had revived the lost art of narrating articles, suggested I could be Narrator of the Month if I'd crank out three of them, and that was habit-forming too.

In September, 2010, the Reverend Zim ulator abdicated as the Chief of UnNews over a call for a vote on his typographical affectations and a technical rewrite of the Front Page. Drama and dickery ensued and he is now a larger fish in a smaller pond. I laid out the Front Page in his absence until the same duo caught up with me as well. That began my sabbatical from Uncyclopedia, during which the awards I used to win were discontinued.

This page lists all my UnNews contributions, and is the place to discuss the text and audio versions. New topics at the end, please.

edit Contributions

December 26 UnNews:Computer from "War Games" to be scrapped for one penny
December 25 UnNews:Russian currency crisis ends (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
December 24 UnNews:"The Interview" to be shown after all
December 21 UnNews:UnNews moves offshore
December 20 UnNews:European Court: Fat is a disability
December 19 UnNews:FBI: North Korea hacked Sony
UnNews:Rioters chant, "Hands up!"
December 17 UnNews:Plumber enters terror war
December 16 UnNews:US economy battered by cheap gasoline
December 13 UnNews:Utah cops return stolen gun to ingrate
December 10 UnNews:Louisiana gets around to announcing vote (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
December 4 UnNews:Retailers pull Grand Theft from shelves
November 30 UnNews:Boston avoids exciting nil-nil draw (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
UnNews:Takata management inappropriately calm
November 25 UnNews:Ford announces steering-wheel innovation
November 21 UnNews:Obama to everyone: Drop dead!
November 19 UnNews:Premium seating offered for Ferguson riots
November 17 UnNews:Moussaoui turns State's Evidence
November 16 UnNews:Hockey says G20 is on power play
November 14 UnNews:Students fault slow police response to Swift bomb — assisted Jokerman
November 13 UnNews:Obama lands on comet, taken prisoner by pod people
November 9 UnNews:Obama hears everyone (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
November 6 UnNews:Now we can get log-rolling going
November 5 UnNews:First Lady gives absolution on eating healthy
November 3 UnNews:America votes and goes home
October 31 UnNews:Second private rocket blows up
October 30 UnNews:Obola: Quarantines to be scientific
October 28 UnNews:Congressional candidate is ugly as sin
October 25 UnNews:Obama still free of Obola
October 23 UnNews:Canadians see no pattern in 2 jihad attacks
October 22 UnNews:Blaser gets Nobel Prize for cup-holder
October 21 UnNews:Obama votes early; Pookie does not
October 20 UnNews:Emperor Ebola appoints czar
October 18 UnNews:Facebook, Apple offer to freeze eggs
October 17 UnNews:Florida man killed by thug, music
October 16 UnNews:U.S. asks 132 passengers to step forward
October 12 UnNews:Polls crushing Obama; GOP looks away
October 10 UnNews:President Ebola springs into action
UnNews:Microsoft CEO gets bad karma
October 6 UnNews:Biden apologizes again
September 30 UnNews:Next US election to be called "2020"
September 29 UnNews:California enacts a Foreplay Law
September 19 UnNews:Royals dodge a bullet
UnNews:New NFL season begins with noses out of joint
September 14 UnNews:Implications of Scottish independence laid bare
September 13 UnNews:Walmart further enslaves employees with "dress code"
September 11 UnNews:Obama goes to un-war
September 8 UnNews:Timing of Apple announcement is suspect
September 5 UnNews:Biden vows to follow ISIS to gates of Hell
September 3 UnNews:Boehner: We have no strategy either
August 31 UnNews:Officials calm about brain-eating amoeba in tap water (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
August 29 UnNews:Obama admits "no strategy" for Middle East
August 22 UnNews:Journalist gets head cut off; Obama muffs chip shot
August 21 UnNews:Facebook set to tag "fake news"
August 19 UnNews:US won't reveal text of Obama-care
August 18 UnNews:Ferguson riots enter second week
August 14 UnNews:Ballmer takes reins of Clippers
August 13 UnNews:Catholic League endorses "Black Jesus"
August 9 UnNews:President McCain optimistic on new Iraq bombing
August 6 UnNews:America celebrates viral diversity
August 3 UnNews:Gaza finally scores a direct hit
UnNews:Marion Barry in fender-bender
July 29 UnNews:UnNews partners with "Niggers" baseball club
July 25 UnNews:FAA resumes flights into Austin (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
July 22 UnNews:Obama conducts fundraising offensive
July 17 UnNews:Jet downed, Obama somewhat involved
July 15 UnNews:Pope assures that 2% of priests are pedophiles
July 12 UnNews:Biden asks governors to lead nation out of mess (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
July 9 UnNews:Obama gives immigration crisis a fly-by
July 4 UnNews:Rob Ford asks for voters' trust
July 2 UnNews:Invasion from Central America promises helpful new US crisis
June 23 UnNews:World Cup draw claimed "cruel and unusual"
June 19 UnNews:US makes loud noises over Iraq
June 13 UnNews:Han Solo falls in Iraq, future in doubt
June 10 UnNews:AMA: Declare campaigning a sport
June 5 UnNews:Cameron shows brief defiance to EU
May 31 UnNews:Obama loses Carney hand
May 29 UnNews:Ballmer bids $2B for Clippers (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
May 26 UnNews:West discloses Benghazi "truth"
May 21 UnNews:Mexican develops apple-based fuel (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
May 19 UnNews:Third "Atlas" movie hurtles toward cinema
May 16 UnNews:FDA reduces dosage of sleeping pill
May 9 UnNews:Nigerian micro-cap plans IPO (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
April 29 UnNews:NBA owner disinvites fans (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
April 21 UnNews:Boston Marathon not won by emaciated African
April 16 UnNews:April business round-up
April 15 UnNews:Russians set to seize rest of Nevada
April 11 UnNews:Aunt Zeituni "self-deports"
April 8 UnNews:Windows XP becomes suddenly useless (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
April 5 UnNews:Congress writes last-ever dirty tax bill (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
April 3 UnNews:Army-base shooting occurs without jihad (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 31 UnNews:No additional bodies found
March 27 UnNews:Astronomers "love pink" on newest find
March 24 UnNews:Kudlow: Let's all boycott Russia (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 21 UnNews:E*Trade is a baby-killer (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 20 UnNews:Ukraine's lost paradise Crimea becomes parking lot — by (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 19 UnNews:Biden thrusts against "naked" Crimea (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 13 UnNews:Every American gets a raise (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 11 UnNews:Obama pitches health care on Uncyclopedia
March 9 UnNews:Secession vote scheduled for the Coös
March 3 UnNews:NFL to police hurtful language during games (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 2 UnNews:Obama draws another "red line" on Ukraine
February 25 UnNews:Clown shortage threatens the nation‎ (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
February 24 UnNews:"El Chapo" captured and returned to Ukraine White House (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
February 11 UnNews:NFL to be even gayer in 2014
February 7 UnNews:Germans angry over American diplomat's advice (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
February 4 UnNews:Super Bowl train snafu surely Christie's fault (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
February 2 UnNews:Phoenix star shooter goes 0-for-10 (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
January 29 UnNews:Walmart tightens controls on donkey meat (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
January 22 UnNews:January business round-up
January 21 UnNews:Omaha set to change name
January 19 UnNews:Germany discloses new chemical weapon
January 2 UnNews:Train wreck blows up pols' plans in N.D.
January 1 UnNews:Latveria adopts the Euro

December 19 UnNews:Study says Christianity increases bust size - post-editing Simsilikesims
December 16 UnNews:Jantjie offered UnNews editorship
December 13 UnNews:Baseball changes rules to stress safety (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
December 11 UnNews:Cyrus's latest foray into sluttiness shows no corporate influence (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
December 3 UnNews:Amazon to adopt Obamacare innovations (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
November 30 UnNews:Five African nations agree on regional unity (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
November 29 UnNews:Kerry negotiates standstill agreement with Obamacare (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
November 20 UnNews:Schwab says Gerald Ford should return as US President (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
November 18 UnNews:Pope finds a train sign in his bed -- by Romartus (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
November 7 UnNews:US moves against trans-fats (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
November 4 UnNews:Britain allows cameras in courtrooms (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
November 1 UnNews:Dell defends cat-urine smell of its laptops (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 28 UnNews:US to Europe: No blood, no foul (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 26 UnNews:Uncle Sam's allies cry foul -- by Romartus (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 16 UnNews:Politicians end fake shutdown with fake agreement (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
UnNews:Apple to introduce the Burberry Mac -- by Romartus (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 9 UnNews:Government computers to predict Army suicides (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
UnNews:Merkel promises Germany a New Dull -- by Romartus (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 3 UnNews:US government shuts down with unprecedented triteness (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
October 1 UnNews:Armed forces will allow attacks against White House and Congress during shutdown--by Djme13 (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
September 13 UnNews:Microsoft secures "" domain name (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
September 12 UnNews:Putin runs for New York comptroller (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
September 9 UnNews:Barack Obama announces USA allies in planned Syrian war -- by Romartus (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
September 4 UnNews:Boston declares war on Detroit (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
August 29 UnNews:North Korean boss executes ex; American pols wistful
August 19 UnNews:A-Rod plunking spurs debate over baseball protocol (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
August 4 UnNews:US closes all embassies in Arabia from terror "chatter"
May 6 UnNews:Baseballer detonates bomb in Boston but walks free
April 25 UnNews:UnNews wire hacked; President is unhurt (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
March 6 UnNews:EU bitch-slaps Microsoft
UnNews:Quebec outlaws pasta with Simsilikesims
February 26 UnNews:Ikea corraled into horse-meat scandal
February 18 UnNews:WW3 averted as superpowers parlay missile strike into "meteor" hoax--rework Funnybony
February 3 UnNews:White House releases photo of Obama skeet-shooting (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
January 20 UnNews:Obama dashes Republican hopes, takes oath of office
January 11 UnNews:America seeks closure after school massacre‎
January 9 UnNews:Al Roker to star in reality TV show on diarrhea (Gnome-speakernotes listen)

November 24 UnNews:Boxer Camacho dead at 50
October 26 UnNews:Hurricane Sandy diverts attention from election
October 18 UnNews:Windows 8 baffles users; but, screw 'em! (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
UnNews:Regulators seek to make air travel deadlier
October 14 UnNews:Prof sues law school for bias against conservatives (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
Featured 23-Oct-12
October 10 UnNews:U.S. State Department reverses opinion on Benghazi
October 8 UnNews:Democrats preemptively explain poor Biden debate
October 2 UnNews:Gunfire near Arizona border blamed on Univisión
September 19 UnNews:Romney campaign struggles to recover from "gaffe-filled" luncheon
September 17 UnNews:Spontaneous violence spreads to Kazakh embassy
September 14 UnNews:Riots spread across Arabia protesting American cinema (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
August 30 UnNews:Romney/Ryan to re-institute Negro slavery (Gnome-speakernotes listen)
Featured 19-Sep-12
July 20 UnNews:Romney: "Obama-care is a ham sandwich"

but wait--there's more!

edit Format

edit Content

Almost all my UnNews releases key off an actual piece of news, typically taking an item from the Associated Press and either misinterpreting it or carrying it to its logical conclusion. I strongly think that is what UnNews should be--as opposed to someone with a wacky idea incompletely putting it into news-release form to flog it (and himself) on the UnNews audience. (The Reverend Zim says my opinion aligns with the original UnNews concept, but his valid opinion is, essentially, Let a Thousand Flowers Bloom.)

edit Audio


The ASR33 TeleType is a staple of any good newsroom. (Internet? What's that?) WINS 1010 KHz in New York City still uses the sound effect behind its news reporting.

My UnNews audio features use a mix of the British UnNews theme jingle that I fade into a TeleType sound effect. They end by repeating the British theme, truncated and with a faster fade-out. My sports features start with Pennant Fever, composed by James Newton Howard for the movie Major League.

Signature lines

My features begin by reading the headline and then adding, "Stay tuned--for UnNews!" which is a parody of radio commentator Paul Harvey. They end with the catch-line, "This has been UnNews, a service of Uncyclopedia. Straight talk from straight faces."

Other commentators can copy and use any of the above. They are not "official" UnNews Audio tag lines and no one is required to use them, nor to follow any rules except to be funny. The finale, "My name is Spike. No, seriously" is not adaptable to other news readers, unless your Uncyclopedia handle is also what people call you in real life, in which case I pity some of you. My first couple of audio features ended with the tag line used by The Reverend, "Thank you for suffering!" However, I regard this as his personal signature, and have ceased to steal it now that I have something equally good.

Running jokes

My UnNews features have repeated the following jokes:

  • The Republican Party is "the minority party, whose name could not be determined," or something similar; likewise the names of its leaders, to mock them for not standing up to Barack Obama during all of 2009, when he had Godlike popularity.
  • In audio features, "Washington D.C." becomes an adoring "Washington, the capital," recalling Jackson Browne's Lawyers in Love.

In early features, the audio anchor (perhaps like Ted Baxter on the Mary Tyler Moore Show) was inexplicably unable to pronounce "Massachusetts." I gave up on this because it merely seemed like a flub unless the listener knew the joke.

Audio setup

I record the audio features into WAV files using sound recording software on a Toshiba laptop. I read the UnNews page from the screen of another laptop, on which WinAmp plays the theme and sound effects. WinAmp and my voice are analog mixed, and my voice is given echo, by a Sansui stereo component. The finale (a repeat of the British UnNews theme with a voiceover) is canned. I digitally edit the result to remove stuttering, any excessive pauses, and flubs. Digital processing ensures that the files start and end in perfect silence, while the TeleType effect hides any background noise.

edit Audio--Technical details

Sound editor

An audio editor on Win98, showing (in green) the audio contents of a monaural (single-channel) WAV file at about the right volume level: The highest peaks and valleys just touch the edge of the window. You can see, at the start and end of the audio clip, portions without voice but only the UnNews theme.

WAV files

A wave file (the filename ends in .WAV) samples sound a certain number of times per second and stores the energy level at each sample as a 16-bit number (between plus and minus 32,767). Like graphics on an old printer, where curves turn into jagged lines, the copy isn't exact, but only concert violinists have any problems with CD-quality WAV files (44100 samples per second). Any audio editor program will show you your voice as a wave, like an oscilloscope.

Wave files are huge, but there is no need to send them between computers, and any computer made in the last ten years will handle them easily. Don't use 8-bit recording. These files are half as big, but store each sample as an 8-bit number (between plus and minus 127). You can make out voice and music, but fade-outs get very hissy.

Experiment with volume levels. Too loud, and your recorder will try to record values beyond 32,767. The wave will get an artificial flat top (the sound will be "clipped") and it will sound bad. Too soft, and the listener will have to crank up his set--but this means you aren't using the full range, and your voice will be recorded with less accuracy. Ideally, you should record a test, look at it with a sound editor, and ensure that the loudest point of your feature just touches the top and bottom of the graph area. If the sound only gets halfway to those edges, you are recording 10 decibels softer than you could, and using only half the available accuracy.

You don't need a recording studio, but plaster, tile, and hardwood surfaces may produce noticeable echo. If you care, you can reduce this with wall-hangings, which may be towels. Plug a real microphone into the PC's microphone jack instead of using a built-in microphone. Background noises won't interfere with your voice but may be detectable during moments of silence. Record a test and play it back at full volume, or look at it in an audio editor, to see what background noise you are recording.

MP3 files

Sounds are waves, and you can make a smaller file by describing the shape of the wave than by specifying every point on the curve. That's what MP3 files do. Playing MP3 files is an exact science, but translating a wave file into MP3 is an art that is done with differing quality. You specify how big, per unit of time, you want the MP3 file to be, and the encoder (or compressor) fills the space with as detailed a description of the wave as will fit.

The human mind doesn't hear sound so much as it senses things happening; you cannot hear a bell tinkling at the same time as an explosion; you cannot hear a soft C-sharp at the same time as a loud C. Your mind filters these sounds out as distractions. A good MP3 encoder omits from the file many sounds you are unlikely to be able to hear, freeing more space in the file to represent sounds of more relevance. Different minds perceive differently, and opinions differ about the quality of sound produced by various encoders. I have no preference.

Recommended settings
Microphone on stand

Using one of these helps your voice be heard.

I dial down audio clips from 44100 Hz 16-bit stereo to 22050 Hz 16-bit mono, which is adequate for voice. This produces WAV files 1/4 of the size of CD-quality files (2.646 Mb/min rather than 10.584 Mb/min). The common 128 Kbit/sec (kbps) setting reserves 0.96 Mb/min, and the encoder uses all that space for quality audio details that are not present or not important. Since March, I have specified 96 kbps, producing files of 0.72 Mb per minute without noticeable drop-off in sound quality. (A Mb is about one thousandth of a gigabyte.)

There are no volume settings when translating from WAV to MP3. On some old compressors that make assumptions rather than read the quality settings from the WAV file, you may have to tell it if you recorded your WAV file with less than CD-quality.


MP3 files can contain descriptions as well as music. Much MP3-playing software lets you type or edit these descriptions. My audio clips don't use ID3. For your information--

  • ID3v1 lets you add a few, fixed-length fields to the end of an MP3 file, such as artist, album name, song name, and comments.
  • ID3v2 is at the start of the MP3 file, so software can display it without searching to the end of the file. There are more fields, and they can be much longer, including multi-line comments.

Neither MP3 files nor WAV files contain computer code or any way for a virus to infect your computer. Even a file that claims to be an audio file, but isn't, can't damage your computer, if you deal with it through an audio player. (MP3 files with ID3v2 can contain a web link, and if your player gives you a button to click, and if you click it, this could take you to a web site that doesn't play by the rules.)

edit Talk page for UnNews and UnNews Audio

edit UnNews:Riots spread across Arabia protesting American cinema‎

[Up with you, man!] Thank you, Mr. Spike, for expertly demonstrating that UnNews' only bias is satire. Excellent work. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 00:31, September 15, 2012 (UTC)

And thank you, Chief, for running it Above the Fold. There has been so much news and commentary, from so many different angles, half of it begging for satire. The F-Troop-style defense of the diplomatic fort lends itself to some vintage Pollyanna reporting (actual bullets for their guns, some day?). It's mostly a ridicule of the Democratic administration, so I managed to work in Romney and even Todd Akin.
In contrast, the best other direction to take this was the double standard between the criticism-ends-at-the-water's-edge view of Romney's remarks and the rhetoric of those same critics when they were Speaking Truth to Bush. Limbaugh and Boston's Howie Carr made sport of this, with file audio, but as I wrote in Forum:Political advocacy, again, I could do nothing with this theme without making it seem as though it could have come from Limbaugh himself. The reader can't laugh when you make him wonder which side you are trying to sell him. Spıke ¬ 09:45 15-Sep-12

edit UnNews:Romney campaign struggles to recover from "gaffe-filled" luncheon

On the subject of the reader wondering which side one is trying to sell the reader, the only thing we are selling is satire. I know you are just referring to within the context of a single story - the story ought to skewer from a consistent angle - and generally I agree. At least the degree of difficulty is much higher if you are trying to skewer from opposing sides within a single piece, though I don't think it's utterly impossible. But, as I have just affected on the lead articles template, I love the opposing sides next to each other there like that. As I indicated, I think it strengthens our overall presentation - that our bias is satire only - with you here skewering so well from a right-leaning side and the rest of us obamazombies (you know, the smart ones) from the left-leaning. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:14, September 19, 2012 (UTC)

Point/counterpoint is a technique that I often used on the Front Page. But you must make clear what you are doing by putting them side-by-side, regardless of relative quality or time already spent on the page. While I do come from the (libertarian) right--and am fed up of listening to endless media analysis about whether Romney is an ogre to admit that welfare recipients won't vote for him--this new UnNews of mine is not defending Romney but ridiculing the press. I was moved to write it after reading your UnNews:Mitt Romney struggling to find more elegant ways to say he is a pandering, mendacious ass. Good of you to make the bias such a caricature that the reader won't view it as advocacy, but bad of you to make it look so little like an actual news story. Spıke ¬ 16:26 19-Sep-12

Obviously I am not as married to the "looks like actual news" principle as you are, though I do like the approach. But I don't think we need to use it to the exclusion of other approaches. Funny is funny, and satire can come from many equally effective methods. To exclude UnNews to this "must look like actual news" principle, I feel, is too limiting. Not that we need to copy The Onion, but just by way of supporting example, they are well-known for not adhering to the "looks like real news" concept. They often use the exact format I used in that article - in fact, I was thinking Onion when I wrote it to be honest. They often use outlandish, charged phrases as though they were fact, the way I tried to here. It brings a point home very effectively I think. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:36, September 19, 2012 (UTC)

You're the Chief. But do put them side-by-side, please. Spıke ¬ 16:39 19-Sep-12

You're right, side-by-side will be much better. I just put them where they are to replace the most stale stories, but it sure looks like I was favoring mine that way, doesn't it? Obviously compensating for my low self-image... --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:52, September 19, 2012 (UTC)

I didn't think you were favoring yours, and don't mind that you do. You should probably put mine "on the right," even though that continues the impression. Spıke ¬ 16:57 19-Sep-12

edit Podcast

On the topic of UnNews, who was running the UnNews podcast, and why did it die back in March?                               Puppy's talk page10:01 15 Sep

Zimulator used to; over a year ago, he tweaked it to make it work right again, apparently assuming that files were named according to rule. I noted that my old stuff was making it onto the podcast but never actually used it to retrieve anything. Spıke ¬ 16:51 15-Sep-12

edit UnNews and how it is running

Since my recent return, I have tried to figure out who is running UnNews at the moment. Unfortunately, noone seems to know who is in charge of what. I believe your still active with UnNews, correct? --Mn-z 19:01, January 7, 2013 (UTC)

Right now, I don't know as that is one of the issues to be decided this week. As you can see, Aleister and the others are posting stories on both wikis so it is really only a question about who organises the template. For now, I will oversee it. I will updating the UnNews template page today. Thanks. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 19:10, January 7, 2013 (UTC)
My main concern was that someone was updating it here. Also, are you guys updating the featured article too? Because of the possible decrease in membership, keeping VFH running might get difficult. --Mn-z 19:13, January 7, 2013 (UTC)
Welcome back, Mnbvcxz! Mattsnow and GlobalTourniquet, in that order, were the last two to step up for full-service Editor-in-Chiefing, until their respective schedules changed. More recently, Matt lobster has juggled the feature lists. I was sporadically active this fall but the news has not gripped me with mirth since, say, last November 6. Spıke ¬ 19:20 7-Jan-13
I will do the juggling in the meantime until we decide who wants to look after that page in the next few days. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 19:25, January 7, 2013 (UTC)
And there is a new featured article for Tuesday. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 19:26, January 7, 2013 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Facebook introduces ‘Nookie’

Hey mate! I have pretty good one here. But if you can see any way to improve the first para or any part then please go for it. .... BTW: I really hope you're going to be Unnews editor again (like you were before the dickweeds created Prickipedia). Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 16:07, Jan 16

For some reason, I jumped on this the moment it came up. The first paragraph did not read like news (Who? What? Where? When? How?) but as a sales brochure, a problem that persists in the use of the second person throughout. I have been over it with small tweaks and now a second Source regarding what the "Anal ysts" [sic] say about it.
Now back to you: Your fake name Nookie is based on nothing. A better parody of "Graph Search", given your take on the news, would be "Grope Search". If you agree, do a global-replace and rename the article. Spıke ¬ 16:34 16-Jan-13

Hey, good work! On the name, I like Nookie, because of the play on Siri (who will never answer simple questions like "How big are your nipples?"). Lets keep the Nookie name. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 17:00, Jan 16

You are the author, and thus I did not "be italic" on such a major change. But "Nookie" is a play on a related, incidental concept, whereas "Grope Search" would be a play on the news itself, which is preferable. Spıke ¬ 17:12 16-Jan-13
You did a good job with the edit. But we're not going to mess it up with a name change. This is as much a play on Siri (a girl's name and voice) as it is on Facebook. Facebook introduces grope?---fuck that dry impersonal BS! My concept is Nookie. If you want to write another news with Grope - well, be my guest, that's all yours. Cheers--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 17:35, Jan 16

edit Sourcing UnNews

In reference to what you said on Kevillips talk page, I don't think uncited sources are necessarily bad. Anonymous sources appear all the time in news stories, aka "sources close to John Doe" or "someone not authorized to speak to the press." --Mn-z 22:53, February 4, 2013 (UTC)

It used to be part of the instructions that if it wasn't based on an actual story to cite locally or not cite. You should always cite though.                               Puppy's talk page10:57 04 Feb
The phrasings Mnbvcxz uses are sometimes seen in the real news. The passives that Kevillips has in his UnNews are not. The assertion that "It was reported today" does not read like news at all. If "it was reported" by UnNews itself, it works out to, "We insist, without telling you the basis, that...." If someone reported something to us, it damages the superficial resemblance to news not to disclose (or make up) the name of the source. Spıke ¬ 23:02 4-Feb-13
PS--As always, the goal is not to adhere to a style or to be Good Journalists. The goal is to maintain a superficial resemblance, so the reader is sucked in by the impression that he is reading real news, and so that you can screw with his mind with the details. Spıke ¬ 23:03 4-Feb-13
I would be flexible regards UnNews style since I see it can stretch from a piece you would see in the WSJ to a tabloid like the Daily Mail. I also like parody news in the style of Private Eye , i.e. using an old fable etc to make a modern news point. Perhaps a revision of UnNews house style could be looked at to encourage a broad range of writers to try their hand. UnNews to me is a way of encouraging writers to stay with a site like this. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 09:45, February 7, 2013 (UTC)
If an author wants to parody a tabloid or the Enquirer, no problem. What I sensed here is lazy inattention to detail. (Not meaning from laziness but perhaps just not getting around to it.) As this detracted from the superficial resemblance to news, it's worth commenting on, and easy to correct (and the author has). Spıke ¬ 10:40 7-Feb-13
Speaking of which, it's around 11 months since I started the last Pee Buddy awards. Maybe something to revive, given we have the best and most prolific UnNews writer, the most featured writer, one of the most featured rewriters, and one of the two most prolific UnNews narrators still on site. It probably won't run on the fork, given Lyrithya hated me running it last year, and it's something we're in the prime position to run. Any thoughts?                               Puppy's talk page10:16 07 Feb
It is a month since I apprised the Rev. Zim ulator of our status and he has not seen fit to visit. Spıke ¬ 10:40 7-Feb-13

edit UnNews:Merkel promises Germany a New Dull

Thanks for the audio SPIKE on that one. I am trying to keep news articles brief and breezy, something Leverage suggested awhile back. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 12:05, October 9, 2013 (UTC)

Brief-and-breezy delays the date on which I will need to drive to Walmart for a new Internet refill card! (Not so much to read text but to upload audio.) For my part, I think UnNewses can go into detail, if it remains funny and if they hint at what they're ridiculing rather than force the reader to read the Source. 12:10 9-Oct-13
PS--I omitted the Rip Van Winkle ending from the audio, him being Dutch not German, and the legend being American, I think. You might reconsider it in the text, as I think the preceding text is a better final zinger. Spıke ¬ 12:37 9-Oct-13

edit UnNews Podcast

I have noticed a link under the UnNews section on the front page which takes you to page where you can subscribe to the Uncyclopedia podcast. Is this podcast still running, if so is it run by us or the fork and who does the audio for the podcast? Sir ScottPat (talk) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 11:35, January 18, 2014 (UTC)

It was maintained for a while by a non-Forker. Zim ulator (inactive) knew the most about it, for instance, that it required that our bylines include a double-dash. The podcast automatically acquired all UnNews Audios. I see that no new ones have been uploaded in almost two years. I do the lion's share of UnNews Audios, though I haven't done one in a month. Spıke ¬ 14:17 18-Jan-14
Should we therefore remove the link on the main page if the podcast is dead? Sir ScottPat (talk) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 14:34, January 18, 2014 (UTC)
I wouldn't; there is good and funny stuff to listen to, I will enjoy returning to doing more of it, and we might succeed in re-establishing the link. Spıke ¬ 16:22 18-Jan-14

edit UnNews Main Page Articles

Is there a way of getting UnNews articles on main page or is it just your call on whether it is good enough? Sir ScottPat (talk) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 14:38, January 18, 2014 (UTC)

Romartus has been doing this, but you may too; it's {{RecentUnNews}}. I have re-laid out the UnNews Front Page recently. I have not been enamored of some of the recent stuff, but it is about time for a shift. Spıke ¬ 15:25 18-Jan-14

edit UnNews:Foxy Knoxy to fight extradition on TV

Thanks for the edit and re-arrangement. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 15:58, February 3, 2014 (UTC)

edit Perfect tense in UnNews

Another puny attempt to complain about a grammar correction by Spike....I hate to call you up on these but either you need to learn or I need to learn (most probable). You changed Banzaikitten's UnNews article twice from sentence that read, "had stated/said" to "stated/said" when it is common on the news to hear a report in which it says, "after the recent floods this December, David Cameron has stated that he will pump more spending into funding reservoirs" (couldn't resist the half-pun). So either seems fine to say in my opinion. Also not sure it necesarily means refering to far back in the past all the time as you can say, "has said recently." Just a thought. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 10:15, February 23, 2014 (UTC)

I did not claim that the simple past was any more correct than the perfect tense. News articles (especially fake ones) specialize in making themselves relevant to the reader by reporting to him what just happened. So the assertion that Cameron has stated something (presumably at some time in the past) is less gripping than that he stated (when we interviewed him just now — perhaps even a change of position). If you have occasion to quote Cameron's established position on something, you would indeed use the perfect tense. Spıke ¬ 12:08 23-Feb-14
So can you say "David Cameron has just stated"? Anton (talk) Uncyclopedia United 13:04, February 23, 2014 (UTC)
That too is correct English but poor style for an UnNews, as it wastes words calling attention to the immediacy. (Extra! Extra! New words just came out of his mouth!) The point of the sentence is to report the utterance. Spıke ¬ 13:13 23-Feb-14
Understood. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 19:23, February 24, 2014 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Scotland could possibly go to war with UK in event of independence

I reverted the renaming of the article.... The reason it says "possibly" is because it's a parody of a BBC News article in which a story was spun out of "possibly" "maybe" and "a source tells me". If you revert it to UnNews:UK girds for war with free Scotland it doesn't work, the whole point of the thing was to parody the tendency to spinning "maybe" so people read it as "definitely". Small things are very important when it comes to teh satyres. --Zarbag (talk) 12:03, February 28, 2014 (UTC)

As you wish, but non-catchy headlines, even to parody non-catchy headlines on the Beeb, are non-catchy. Spıke ¬ 12:23 28-Feb-14

edit UnNews:"Britain unrecognisable" claims UKIP leader Nigel Farage

Sorry there Spike, I was so engrossed in editing it, I didn't realise you were trying to edit it at the same time! Thanks for the help and changes though! Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 20:11, March 2, 2014 (UTC)

It was I who saw the Edit Conflict. I had edited so much that I bulled on despite it, and then went back and put your changes back. Apart from spelling (apologise) and commas, swivel-eyed loons is cute as a description in passing, but as the very first line, it reads like advocacy. Spıke ¬ 20:13 2-Mar-14
Edit Conflict: Hahaha! Swivel-eyed loons is the greatest quote from the history of British politics. It was used by a Conservative politician last year (or maybe year before) to name the extremist right-wing members of his constituents who he accused of switching allegiances to UKIP (that may not have been the reason, I only can recall from memory, I'm sure google serves as a better answer) however it promoted every liberal comedian in the country to name Tory and UKIP voters as "swivel-eyed loons" simply because the Conservative Party did and so it must be acceptable and allowed. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 20:23, March 2, 2014 (UTC)
PS--You are laying this on thick! Advocating the "change" of being newly against change, for a change, is a cute conundrum except when taken to the length of a brain-teaser. And you ought not to make an airtight case that Britain's "national" traditions were the work of foreign nationals, but rather state the point as crisply and briefly as you can. Spıke ¬ 20:20 2-Mar-14
Understood. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 20:23, March 2, 2014 (UTC)
Forgive my ignorance of British political culture! "Swivel-eyed loon" is delightfully colo(u)rful, especially given that history, and giving a biased description while seeming to give a straight description is the cluelessness we love in the UnNews narrator. My only point is that putting it before the first verb might have led readers to ask whether you were writing the piece to advocate something. Spıke ¬ 20:27 2-Mar-14
PS--Now on the Front Page. Spıke ¬ 20:34 2-Mar-14
Thanks. Yes I see what you mean. As I'm sure you can guess Farage's speech was about how mass immigration had made Britain unrecognisable, so I simply wrote about my "biased" opinion that it is highly hipocritical and ignorant of history. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 20:36, March 2, 2014 (UTC)

edit UnNews:World Cup draw claimed "cruel and unusual"

On the topic of photos, feel free to find one for UnNews:World Cup draw claimed "cruel and unusual". Spıke ¬ 13:54 23-Jun-14

Done! Anton (talk) Uncyclopedia United 15:26, June 23, 2014 (UTC)

I appreciate that! but gave it a different caption that takes the joke in an additional direction. Spıke ¬ 15:36 23-Jun-14

Sure. It's your text! Anton (talk) Uncyclopedia United 15:46, June 23, 2014 (UTC)

Wow, an American who knows about and even follows the World Cup! Soon you shall all be incorporated into the "religion". Nice article although just thought I'd point out that the 32 competitors are withered down to 16 at the end of the group stage and not 28, as only 2 of 4 from each group progress and there are 8 groups. Not sure whether that was a deliberate unfact or not. Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 16:50, June 23, 2014 (UTC)
Fans who live near Boston are notorious for following every sporting competition until the minute the local entrant drops out of contention. I will not be in the religion, as one cannot keep a scorecard for soccer. The current dither to whittle 32 competitors down to a full 16 is so pointless that I chose to exaggerate the pointlessness; in other words, it's a joke. Spıke ¬ 18:28 23-Jun-14
In fact, 20 million Americans watched this match. In fact, the U.S. hosted a World Cup one year, coinciding with the creation of Major League Soccer with its panoply of washed-up European stars and teams like "D.C. United" that did not unite anything but sound vaguely famous. And Boston-area fans are fixated on the Premiership, in particular, wondering how many one-dimensional players the Red Sox could sign if the owner simply sold Suarez (before he attacks again). Spıke ¬ 14:38 25-Jun-14
Nice. And now you guys outcompeting us! Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 16:21, June 25, 2014 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Jet downed, Obama somewhat involved

Great article! You've hit the nail on the hammer (or however that expression goes!) When I got a news alert on my phone about the incident, I stared in puzzlement at the message which declared that a Malaysian airliner had been shot down in Ukraine. I thought that the computer systems at the Guardian had randomly connected two previous news stories together and spammed a few million readers' phones with the result. Once confirming the story on the BBC News page, I was surprised to see that Mr. Obama had stepped in to try to solve the crisis. Your President has this remarkable talent of stepping in whenever anything remotely irrelevant to US politics crops up and involves deaths and declares that he single-handedly can solve the problem, adding to a large list of world disasters that must have accumulated by now. I'm glad someone else picked up on this! Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 14:45, July 18, 2014 (UTC)

Thanks! The UnNews now contains an update, as there is a great new wire-service Source regarding the 1 victim of the tragic failure of American leadership. Spıke ¬ 16:51 18-Jul-14
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