User:SPIKE/Captain Trite

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Joe Morgan

Captain Trite (right) prepares to accept a consolation award from the National Endowment for American English, as he and his tepid use of the language have been traded to Spanish in exchange for future draft choices.

Captain Trite is arguably one of the United States's most remarkable users of the English language. His veritable facility with the language is thought to be surely worthy of comment by very many of the nation's television watchers. I think you know what I mean.

edit Baseball career

Captain Trite lived for many, many years under the secret identity of baseball player Joe Morgan.[1] Almost key to keeping this amazing double life undisclosed against all odds, was the fact that ballplayers are tolerated--nay, encouraged--expected--to say things that are pretty-much inscrutable during post-game interviews.[2]

When Captain Trite moved to the other side of the microphone, however, his secret was all but revealed. The Captain's uncanny ability to work a 2-1 game and put forward pretty-much dazzling analysis--like, "This batter is looking to tie the game"--is almost widely remarked.

Baseball's other Joe Morgan--the former skipper of the Boston Red Sox--is not Captain Trite, despite no lack of ability at notably saying things that, by all accounts, are pretty non-notable, including remarkable remarks regarding post-game hot showers or events at the dog track. Late in his career he began to be known, mainly by influential minds throughout the sport, as Lieutenant Trite.

  1. Before his gift with the language manifested itself, he was known, of course, as Captain Morgan.
  2. As opposed to incisive things, such as, "We're resting our ace for the playoffs and don't care if we lose tonight's game."

edit Life as a superhero

edit Spokesman for the English language

U.S. President George W. Bush elevated Captain Trite to the National Endowment for Imprecise English. Bush's "compassionate conservatism" would itself set the stage for an era of moderate extremism, in which utterances, even when they could be understood, meant nothing, and initiatives in one direction usually produced uncanny results in the opposite direction.


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