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“Twenty-five million, six hundred and fifty-four thousand, eight hundred and sixty-nine multiplied by three-hundred thousand, eight hundred and forty-six is so totally five. Why? Because my IQ is bigger than yours and I goddamn say so!”
“The only person with a pussy that EVER kicked my ass... with only two calculus problems.”
“Sailor Mercury is The Sailor Of Water. She's smart.”
“She's also hot. Not as hot as Sailor Moon, but then again, the smart ones are never as hot.”
Sailor Mercury (1978-24000000) is the third most intelligent being in the universe, surpassed only by Bill Nye and Ken Jennings. Her IQ is rumored to be 300,000,000,000. She is the destroyer of all SPAM, because of her leet hacking skillz using only duct tape and a notebook. She is the Empress of Japan and the undisputed Queen of You. In her illustrious career as a member of Sailor Moon's Excutive Operations mercenary forces, she has slaughtered thousands of innocents, while graciously allowing Sailor Moon to take credit for the kills in exchange for her immortal soul.
Before Meeting Sailor Moon
Sailor Mercury, born Amizilla Pikachu Nagazaki Mizunoheimer, was born in 1978 to the sumo wrestler Yokozuna and the drug dealer Dr. Gregory House. Because she was born, she was blessed by our lord almighty Jesus by giving her blue hair. When she was five, she killed her parents with a hatchet and joined Monty Python's Flying Circus, where she remained, helping them hunt down The Axis of Evil-doers. During the First Tiberian War, Mercury met with a girl who introduced herself as Sailor Moon, and together, the girls formed the Sailor Scouts, an elite mercenary force the likes never seen since the Ice Cream and Cheese Brigrade routed Napoleon.
Mythical Jeopardy Contest
In the year 2010, Sailor Mercury appeared, along with Bill Nye and Ken Jennings, in an episode of the game show Jeopardy. She jumped out to an enormous lead in round one, with $10,000,000 to her competitors' negative totals, but in round two, she hit a snag on the English language category, losing almost all of her money, and her lead, to Ken Jennings. Jennings would go on to win the game, though Sailor Mercury would finish a respectable second and walk away with the prize of a Magnum handgun, which she carries with her to this day.
Participation in the War of the Roses
In 2024, Sailor Mercury grew a field of roses. Sailor Moon's boyfriend, Tuxedo Ass, attempted to steal the roses from the field, which began the War of the Roses, in which 20,000,000,642 (42 added because Douglas Adams is cool) soldiers were killed when Sailor Mercury coated the thorns of the roses with poison, killing everyone who marched into the field. She pushed the blame onto Sailor Mini-Moon (a clone of Sailor Moon, only 1/8th her size). Mini-Moon was convicted of war crimes and placed in prison with Adolf Hitler, whom she made into her prison bitch and stole his mustache. She then broke out of prison and became a popinjay, which is a prostitute who dresses like a pimp.
One of them is Mercury poisoning and the other to stick a thermometer up your ass. Yeah, you like that, don't ya? Note to all men: Don't think of sticking it up her ass!!!
She has another (theoretical) special power: being able to make your brain explode. Sailor Mercury uses 99.999% of her brain, whereas 'inferior' humans only use 10% (in Sailor Moon's case, .01%). The only time she has ever had to use this was when she was engaged in a battle against Stephen Hawking, Bill Nye and Ken Jennings over who was the smartest human in the world (after her crushing blow on Jeopardy in 2010).
Sadly, her power was unable to defeat Hawking, Nye and Jennings, as their skulls were made of impenetrable lead, thus refracting her power back to her own brain, destroying a quarter of it. Because of this, her IQ dropped from 3.0x10^10 to just 3.0x10^6. To repair the brain tissue that was damaged, she has been reportedly drinking mass amounts of coffee and Red Bull, doing Sudoku and reading upwards of ten textbooks a day, ranging in subjects from Math to Astrophysics to even Sexual positions, in hopes that one day she can defeat Jennings and Nye, and get it on with Stephen Hawking (even though his plumbing don't work that well).
- Fucked Sailor Moon.
- Killed Osama Bin Laden. (Only to see him be revived by Sailor Mars)
- Killed Your mom.
- FUCKING KILLED Steve Ballmer
- Did "it" with Carmine....and didnt die.
- Led France to a military victory over Grenada on July 19, 2000.
- 24-time president of the Smartest Person on Earth Club.
- Smoked pot.
- Raped by me.
- Raped me.
- Raped you.
- Raped Oscar Wilde.
- Got ass raped by me ^_^ (in yer dream, bro).
- Was married to Zoicite, but divorced him after discovering 'he' was really a 'she' (damn DiC edits).
- Play deut with legendary guitarist Steve Vai and David Lee Roth
- Got raped by Axl in many ways on her way home from school.
- Beat Chuck Norris at an arm-wrestling match, but suffered severe facial wounds after a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Out-shot Dirty Harry in a magnum competition. Keeps the paper target on her fridge as a reminder...NEVER FUCK WITH SAILOR MERCURY.
|Empress of Japan|