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- For the state that seceded from the secessionist state of Pakistan, see Spakistan.
د افغانستان اسلامي دولت / Hindutania
Islamic Republic of Pakistan
|Motto: "I, me, and my..."|
|Anthem: "We will eat grass but we will get the ATOM BUMB (nuclear bomb)" (Note: Eating grass has got nothing to do with the bomb)|
|Official language(s)||Urdu, Angrezi, Punjabi, Sindhi, Balochi, Pathani, Kashmiri, Hindi. If speak none of above, please to point and grunt.|
|Government||Military Dictatorship (till Zardari dies)|
|National Hero(es)||Qaid-a-Azam, Ali|
|Independence plebiscite to be held in 2947, after the 1,000-year war with India. (If Pakistan wins.)|
|Religion||Shii't, Yahoudii, Talibani, dozens of others|
“Osama been where?”
“Either you are with U.S., or you are against U.S.”
So, you are thinking of a comedy in which all the Muslims in India revolt and secede en masse, setting up their own country, in which they will be happy, except for the continued existence of infidels next door (arguing for the atomic bomb) and except that the nation will lag behind the rest of the world, which will clearly be the fault of the rest of the world.
Sorry, you are too late; it has happened.
Pakistan is a compound word derived from paki and stan, the former being the local slang for excrement and the latter signifying a place or an area or a landmark; literally translated as Mountain of excrement. Pakistan was formerly spelled Pacistan because it came into being at about the same time as the game Pac-Man, with which it shares many similarities.
Paki is also an acronym for the nation's four regions:
- Afghanistan (pending conquest)
- Kashmir (only one problem: see below)
- India (pending reconquest).
Pakistan is an atomic power with sewage problems during heavy rains. Despite both facts, Pakistan's name also honors it as "the pure/clean (paki) country."
Other explosives in Pakistan include thousands of easily angered Afghanis running wild and stationed in the Pakistani capital, Is-llama-bad, and its nearby business center, Piss-shower. Pakistanis believe that, mere days before the end of the world, General Pervez "Pervy" Musharraf will abdicate in favor of the Army Chief of Staff (his son, currently attending kindergarten). Should this occur, Pakistan will file for annexation by the United States, rename it Ameristan, and the first family's surname will be changed to Busharraf. He will limit any future elections to military dictators.
Pakistan is also known as Spakistan in the province of Balochistan, the region notable for mining spackling compound, which is fighting to secede from the secessionist nation, under the regional motto, One good secession deserves another.
Pakistan resembles a dinosaur trying to mount a dying hippo. By the way, so does its silhouette on the map. Pakistan is surrounded by three other threatening silhouettes, the said, well-endowed rhino (China), a dying hippo with a huge Punjabi butt (India), and a crab (Afghanistan). Not to mention the disfigured monkey (Iran). All these countries hate Pakistan. (Well, not China; it's too busy hating India.)
On the original map, the dinosaur shape that is Pakistan had dropped a dinosaur-sized load one thousand miles to the East. This irregular lump of irregularity was called East Pakistan. Continual thinking about having a piece of territory that no one could reach--thinking made easier by the missiles raining down from India--led Pakistan to stand up the region on its own and name it Bangladesh.
Pakistani history is the greatest example of collaborative fiction of the pre-wiki era. Pakistanis believe they share a history with the Arabs. The Arabs don't; and call them Astaghfirullah (meaning "pigs of the past") when they visit Mecca on the ritual Hajj.
Pakistan came into existence out of revulsion at the large nudist colony called India. One day, Jinnah decided that India was getting too "naked" to live in, and he moved out. Since then, Pakistanis and Indians have accumulated a large set of grievances against one another. They actively welcome suggestions for new ones.
Specifically, in 1946 A.D., Jinnah visited Gandhi, both men wanting to enjoy their last days. They were fond of trains and wanted to make one last trip by train. Gandhi used to wear loose pajamas with elastic (which were more convenient during those frequent trips to the bathroom) and a white garment made of dove feathers as his shirt. (Or was that chest hair?) Jinnah got annoyed and wanted him to cover up more. Suddenly a fierce wind blew and Gandhi became totally exposed. Jinnah declared that "we can't live in India any more." He knew that ultimately, he would be expected to wear the same revealing garment as well, and occasionally bare his own chest and those sagging man-tits.
In 1981, United States President John Travolta sent Pakistan a shipment of Atari 2600s, claiming them to be "Military Defense Supercomputers." Gandhi got wind of this deal and secretly procured Nintendos. This minor episode of international rivalry was the first round in an escalating arms build-up. Happily, fixtures attaching the game paddles to cow udders enable farmers of both countries to play video games at the same time they obtain the day's milk.
The region of Kashmir was supposed to vote on whether to join Pakistan or India. But the region, now known as Ca$h-Mir, let it be known that it was open to financial inducement, and would in fact join whichever nation paid it the most. As it turned out, all the cash came as foreign aid from the United States. But it went to the national governments, which by then were headlong into the arms race. Ca$h-Mir will only get its bribe after the cash has been converted to armaments, and they in turn have been converted to mushroom clouds and shrapnel on Ca$h-Miri territory.
Pakistanis often call their own money Quaid-e-Azam because it has a picture of Jinnah (Quaid-e-Azam). A policeman is honored to accept such a photograph of the Founder of the Nation with none of the awkwardness present when a mere bribe is offered.
However, the official name of the currency is the rupee, just like the Indian rupee. Better, in fact. There is way too much nudity in Indian coinage. The Indian rupee portrays Gandhi, half-naked. Pakistan is the largest producer and exporter of Indian rupee bills, in which Gandhi is discreetly covered up.
Compared to India, there are very few beggars on the street. Most are safely at their seat in Parliament.
Communication is fast and painless throughout Pakistan because of the device called the Tele-Fun. The entire country is fitted with area codes, and headsets exist in every dining room as conversation pieces. If Tele-Fun works, you may Tele-Nother. To get a conversation answered, it is better to send a facsimile, which in Pakistan is called a Tax-simile.
Because of the reversed word order in the languages of Pakistan, "culture" in fact means "your cult." Cultured Pakistanis are thus preoccupied with their own cult, rather than with abstractions such as national unity.
Pakistan is quiet and peaceful. For one thing, the political system makes it dangerous to talk a lot. Moreover, there is little really interesting to discuss, except the locally-made "Osama Lives" T-shirts, whose handsome green color resembles bottles of Heineken).
Men are always dressed in loose "Shalwar Kameez" so that they can easily pee in the times of suffering. These costumes make it equally easy to get wild and horny. Islam requires that Pakistani women wear the burkka. However, a popular local alteration is the "bikini burkka." This serves the competing masters of religious modesty and getting lucky.
Popular music and movies consist of stuff that was popular in the United States perhaps fifteen years ago. Ali Zafar and Atif Aslam are the only Pakistani singers who don't do gazelles.
“Salami! Salami! Baloney!”
The national language is English, but no one speaks it. You see, Jinnah once said Hello to an English linguist touring British India, and the Western world came to believe that the Muslims spoke English. In fact, they only speak Urdu, with a smattering of phrases from a language known as Inglis. Jinnah was in no hurry to correct anyone, as "the language problem" became another handy excuse for splitting off from India.
The government of Pakistan does business in a mix of English and Urdu called Euro-duh. This bastard child is written from right to left, unlike English, which is written from inside out. Left-handed Pakistanis find this language problematic, as Islam teaches that the left hand is only used to wipe one's bottom and shake the hands of infidels. Euro-duh is much more polite than, and saves time over, Hindi, in which you have to draw a line over everything you write. Utterances in Euro-duh are simply struck through.
Haggling in the marketplace is often done in the computer language C. In rural areas, other languages are used. Although Pakistan is not a complete linguistic anarchy as India is, it is laughably easy to make one's self misunderstood in Urdu. On the border with India, Punjabi is dominant, but it carries a stigma because it always sounds as though you are abusing and insulting others, and it is best not to make that so obvious. Further into the interior, villagers speak Talibani, Punjabi, Sindhi, Brahui, Anti-American, Salami, Aisha-Punani, and way down inside, Punjdu, a bastard child of curried Punjabi and Urdu.
edit Wars with India
India-Pakistan wars occur so frequently that they are classified not under Government but Culture. Here are the wars and their outcomes:
|Year||Name||W/L||Outcome for Pakistan|
|1947||First Kashmir War||Lost||Earned shame|
|1965||Second Kashmir War||Lost||Became shameless|
|1971||Bangladesh Liberation War||Lost||Lost East Pakistan|
|1999||Kargil War||Lost||Learned that gorillas outfight Pakistanis|
Pakistan's most popular means of transport is called the "mini-bus" despite its elephantine size. The bus drivers have never changed the name, as their driving habits suggest that they are all blind anyway. These drivers are nevertheless an inspiration to all Pakistanis, from the poetry they inscribe on the rear of their mini-buses. All the famous poets write poetry on buses, as there is little paper in the country and most of that is of the sanitary variety.
Pakistani trains are ridden by youngsters for the same reason that youngsters in more developed countries pay to ride roller-coasters. The bumps and unpredictable turns make the ride almost as thrilling, provided you can drive for an hour to reach the station nearest you.
Indians can get a Pakistani visa easily, and in only about fourteen days in line near the Pakistani Embassy in India. The wait is plenty of time to convert to Islam, and perhaps to finish a Hajj to Mecca and back. Americans need an additional travel document, but these have become especially lightweight and convenient since the invention of kevlar.
edit Famous yet Pakistani
|Countries and territories of Asia|
|Euroasia||Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon|
|East Asia||People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan)|
|Western Asia||Afghanistan - Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Pakistan - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen|
|Central Asia||Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan|
|South Asia||Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Sri Lanka - Tibet|
|Southeast Asia||Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam|