User:Romartus/Liberal Democrats

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Nick-clegg ridicule

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg finger clicking the British electorate.

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“People can't hate us that much...”
~ A drunk Liberal on Liberals
“ Unlike the Conservative or Labour party, us Liberals know exactly where we're going: Nowhere!”
~ Liberal Democrat party member on Liberal Democrat Party
“We are at One with the Conservatives. They give us government posts and we give them sex appeal”
~ Nick Clegg on Leader of the Liberal Democrats

Liberal Democrats used to be an option on UK electoral ballots that is roughly equivalent to "none of the above", or "re-open nominations" in other democratic states. It is a status now for the British National Party, Green Party and a weird guy with a bucket on his head for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party but now for the first time since British Prime Minister Winston Churchill stood on the balcony of Buckingham Palace 'waving his fat cigar' over the body of Adolf Hitler, the Liberal Democrats are now in a coalition government with the Conservative Party.

Despite the party's long relegation to life in an electoral waste paper basket, in the British General election of 2010, voters in Great Britain were allowed to watch this party's leader Nick Clegg be allowed out for the day and stand in a television studio with David Cameron for the Conservative Party and Prime Minister Gordon Brown for the Labour Party. When put together with a shiny faced toff and a gruff looking Scotsman who would box your ears for the price of a cup of tea, Clegg looked almost normal.

Thanks to recent exposure in the newspapers and media, the British public now know at least three Liberal Democrats. Besides Nick Clegg, there is now Vince 'Foggy' Cable and Jeremy 'Paddy Pantsdown' Ashdown. Older voters remember 'Menzies as Ming the Clueless in his battles again Gordon 'Flash' Brown in old 1930s film serials. For other Liberals the humiliation about explaining who they are and why they breathe is said to have reduced a former party leader Charles Kennedy (a Scottish representative of the famous Kennedy family to a drinker and Lembit Opik, the sexual plaything of talentless pop stars from Romania.


Sir Menzies: "I'm fucking useless! Sooty would've made a better leader! Have Meals on Wheels been yet? Charles who? Mark what? Isn't Lembit Opik a small village in Norway?"

edit History and Rationale

The "Liberal Democrat" option was first included on UK ballots only as late as 1988 after they emerged from a controlled mating experience with the Social Democratic Party, a political splinter off the solid plywood of the Labour Party . Before this,the Liberal Democrats were part of a collective of bearded nudist vegetarians, people who dye their own clothes and heroin flavoured jam at jumble sales. They usually went by the name of Liberal Party and had once been one of the major political organisations in the Great Britain before they had become consumed with over active libidos and had chased the voters away with their rampant, organic immorality on public benches.

The new Liberal Democrat party's emergence coincided with the widespread political disillusionment that met the last years of the Thatcher , Britain's best Prime Minister since Winston Churchill and possessed the biggest breasts since Harold Wilson. The Labour party was led by Neil Kinnock, a red haired and short tempered Welshman and spoke so much, he could have inflated a fleet of hot air balloons.

In contrast two these two, the new Liberal Democrat leader was Paddy 'Pantsdown' Ashdown , an ex-military man who had gone softy liberal after a career as a British secret agent . The Liberal Democrats hoped that having a man who once had the 'license to kill and go to bed with women of his choice' would give their party a 'macho liberal' image. Ashdown took this a bit too far when he was caught banging his secretary whilst the wife was away and got him the name 'Paddy Pantsdown'. This should have been the end of him but in Britain, Liberal politicians who can't keep it zipped up are almost expected to be to card carrying philanderers.

edit What's In A Name?


Liberal Democrats were anxious to get away from this image of them as bearded, hash pipe smoking vegetarians.

As the UK electoral system does not allow for a "none of the above" option to be placed on ballots as a default, the creation of the "Liberal Democrat" selection was originally intended as an option to allow for an individual voter to express his contempt for the other options, but without spoiling his ballot paper; in Britain, at least, like so many other things, ballot-spoiling is considered downright rude. However, in modern times, the Liberal Democrats have quickly evolved into a humanoid species. Contrary, to the Conservative Party who have ceased to believe in... well anything, The Liberal Democrats agree with everything, anyone or everyone says, unless of course, you didn't like what they said, in which case, they agree aswell.

The name to appear on the ballots was chosen only after a painstaking process of trial and error. It was decided early on that the name to be chosen should give no indication of political bias. This removed from consideration traditional choices such as "none of the above": the previous year, an Irish Catholic and nationalist candidate, The Nun of the Above (otherwise known as The Nolan Sisters) , had won several thousand votes in a hotly-contested by-election.

Thus, a name was chosen that would avoid offense, whilst also avoiding entirely the issue of political ideology: very few politicians in the UK would claim to be actively illiberal, and even fewer would claim to be undemocratic.

edit Failure, Succcess and then More Failure


Paddy Pantsdown. The Liberal Democrats first leader showing that the new party knew how to have fun.

The merging of the old Liberals and Social Democrats (minus their leader David Owen and a few Drink Hards), didn't lead to immediate success. In the 1989 European Union elections, the Liberal Democrats were beaten into fourth place by a stick of celery to their flabby progressive bottoms by the Green Party. However the Greens couldn't keep their wind power machines working properly and the Liberal Democrats managed to recover, especially when Paddy Ashdown appeared in the pages of Playgirl magazinge with just a yellow rosette covering his well oil, military hardened manhood. This certainly got him noticed by the flirting voters who started to support the Liberal Democrats in the hope they could meet up with strangers and have sex without hang ups.

In the British General election of 1992, despite the sexual inducements, the Liberal Democrats barely won 20 odd seats. However five years later this was turned in 46 M.P.s and by 2010 there 63 of them. Opponents accused the Liberal Democrats of losing their sense of fun and that the only reason why the party hadn't been crushed by the Conservatives and Labout party was they thought the Liberal Democrats were a useful band of idiots who could be persuaded to join a Government.

edit Electoral success

If you mean increased number of votes, more Members of Parliament and that people know know what a Liberal Democrat is , then we can safely say that it has all been illusion. Since Paddy Pantsdown (now Lord Pantsdown), the Liberal Democrats have been lead by a drunk Scot (Charles Kennedy), an Auld Scot (Menzies Campbell) and finally a squirt faced shiny faced greenhouse arsonist , Sir Nicholas 'Nick' Annoying-Clegg.

By not being outed Conservatives, the Liberal Democrat party has been a keen supporter of the Labour party of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. However, like girl wearing horn rimmed spectacles, the loutish Labour party has keep the Yellow Peril (the Liberal's flag of choice) at bay and out of really important jobs. Now come the 2010 election, the Liberal Democrats are likely to be once again reduced to a joke party , just minus the jumping dog, clown costumes and mad organ music.

edit Policies


Indeed, a smart move for everyone's good.

The Liberal Democrats have a master plan to "improve" railways by digging up every line in the country to replace it with a misguided busway. They will also allow anyone who recycles their rubbish a license to confiscate cars belonging to those who don't.

The party also believes in polysexualism and will encourage everyone to change sex at least once a year. This will be promoted under the agenda of Multisexual Identity , following the Kinsey Report that deep down, humans are really just hamsters in sharp suits.

However a fundamental policy of the Liberal Democrats has been to "split the left's vote". This is confusing to many for several reasons: a) Many Liberal Democrat Voters do not know right from left. b) Many Liberal Democrat Voters cannot do the splits. c) Any Labour voters questioned just get angry and shout about 1983. d) Any Conservative voters questioned just cackle and run back to their mansions for "servant" beating sessions and orgies between publicly-schooled students and their cocaine soaked teachers.

edit Liberal Democrats in political satire

Given the status of the Liberal Democrats as a pseudo-party, several satirical publications have attempted to embody the position of the party in a series of fictional "politicians". One such fictional figure, now widely used, is that of "Sir Menzies": in keeping with the apolitical and indecisive nature of the average "Liberal Democrat" voter, Menzies is most commonly portrayed as an aged white man, with limited political influence, prone to stuttering over even the simplest of questions at Prime Minister's Question Time. Many mispronounce the name "Menzies" on purpose but still the public are unaware of the nature of the party.

Previous to Sir Menzies a more comical figure was elected as party leader. Charles Kennedy was the most unlikely of politicians, whereas Sir Menzies could pass for an older William Hague, Kennedy was more reminiscent of a TV Presenter. The media even alluded to this fact by nicknaming him Chat Show Charlie. Kennedy even presented shows such as Have I got News for You before joining the Lib Dems. Even when intoxicated the public were slow to catch onto the truth and when they eventually did, after 4 years, it was time to change leaders.

During this election, in which Sir Menzies was the eventual winner, a series of smokescreens were put in place by independants Simon Hughes and Mark Oaten with an aim of hiding the fact that the party has no MPs. They even found a fourth candidate following an interview process for tea boys.

edit Taxes

Liberals polititions believe that the can spend your money for you better than you can. So they make sure that they get as much money as posible from the infinitely wealthy taxpayers who can't be trusted with more than a few pounds.

edit Nice guys finish last

Though this might also be because the Liberal Democrats are airy fairy pansy boys. Nick Clegg has never actually had a job in his life except in Parliament. Which means he fits in perfectly with most of the cabinet.

edit See also

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