User:Roman Dog Bird/Slayer
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“Who fucking cares if I wrote Raining Blood after my first period?”
Slayer (pronounciation "FUCKIN' SLAAAAAAYEEEEEEEEEERGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"), aka The General Cornwallis Variety Band are the most successful Christian gospel pop band in the world, having sold over 7 records. They once played a festival and everyone died. The band is lead by singer/bassist/accordionist Tom Araya and former Stryper guitarist Kerry King. Slayer, who have been established for 26 years, attribute their longevity to "producing bubblegum music that appeals to American Christian youth". They are also known for dabbling in pop-punk.
Originally named "The Puppies", they changed their name to Slayer after "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". They have produced over 5 million songs, although not a single person has ever been able to tell any two apart. They have become the subject of cult films, party jokes and a number of porno sayings and catchphrases such as 'Clankity Clank Clank bitch' and 'Sugartits' made famous during a 1991 concert in Palm Springs, Missouri.
Kerry King was at the pinnacle of what is now known as the world famous 'Wag the Dog' technique. Whereas those before and after him became respected guitarists by practicing and getting better, King took the 'never work too hard because you're in an overrated band so everyone will think you're a awesome player' approach. King is so good at this technique, in fact, that he can perform it during an entire show. Or even while baking a cake.
A typical Slayer fan likes long walks on the beach, poems, ponies, glitter, and unicorns, large, grassy, breazy meadows, beautiful wild flowers, and Barbies. They won't be caught dead without their favourite cuddly toy.
The name Slayer is believed to stand for Slimy layer, with which the band members get covered at their live concerts, mostly during their best disco track Raining Blood and their famous love song Angel of Death. Another possible origin is that in their early years they used to slay the goats of the those who did not appreciate their music, but they left the practice because their largest group of fans PETA was disappointed by the act and asked them to slay Republicans instead.
Slayer came about after Jeff Hanneman realized that he was too much of a pussy to actually kill the Jews that lived next door to his mother. He once picked up a garden gnome and tried to glue guitar strings to it, when his mother (having pity on his autism) bought him an ESP M-II. Luckily, Hanneman had the type of autism that made you suck at life, but good at one thing, and this one thing happened to be guitar.
Then, one day as Jeff was playing in the park with little kids, he was then picked on by Kerry King. Jeff than realized that Kerry could play guitar, so Jeff was really nice to him for the next two decades.
One day, when Kerry and Jeff were at a strip club they met up with the head pimp, Tom Araya. Jeff immediately asked Tom to join the band because he said "that Tom had an awesome last name, and he just seemed to be a Satan-worshiping Nazi guy." By some strange coincidence, Tom could play bass fairly well, as well as scream at the top of his lungs (he learned this from his sister, whom was very hot and would often invite people over to the house to have sex with). Tom invited Dave Lombardo, his Hispanic fourth cousin, twice removed, (and he also happened to be Tom's first, second and third cousin and is removed on each one twice, because the family is ashamed of such inbreeding), to play drums. Dave happened to be the only one with any real talent on his instrument (and even bragged about this by loudly proclaiming at practice, "You guys are fucking retarded!!!'"), and left shortly after Reign in Blood because "Hanneman was just getting annoying hogging the Nintendo all the time, and Kerry kept waking us up at night, just daring us to shave his hair off. Tom was an okay guy, it's just that sometimes he'd start shouting right in the middle of normal conversations like he was onstage or something. I just had to get away." But Lombardo eventually returned after he found out what a goldmine that Slayer would become.
edit Show No Mercy (1983)
In 1983, Slayer recorded their debut album "Show No Mercy" which received success that was actually negative. This made Kerry King very angry but he managed to hold in the anger due to his love of peace and kindness. Jeff Hanneman threatened to blow himself up if people didn't start to buy the album. Nobody cared, so he blew himself up. Kerry King's close connection with God however worked and God agreed to bring Hanneman back to life.
edit Hell Awaits (1985)
In 1985, the movie The Wizard Of Oz deeply influenced Tom Araya to write a new album. The new album was a success. One person had bought the album and the guys managed to earn $4 each. Kerry King however became enraged when he tried to buy a hooker with $4 and she wanted $5. Kerry managed to suppress his rage once again. Dave Lombardo went out and bought new drums with his $4. Nobody quite knows how he achieved this but it's suspected Jackie Chan was involved.
edit Reign in Blood (1986)
In 1986, Kerry King lost his favorite action figure and got angry once again. He couldn't suppress his anger any longer and thus had a giant period that never ended. The result was "Reign in Blood" the least selling-album of all time. It's often believed that this never ending period has been the cause behind Slayer's success. The guys then toured the world to promote "Reign in Blood" which appealed mostly to girls on their period, claiming that "It made them feel fresh".
Kerry tried a new experimental way of playing guitar solos on this album, in which he simply pulled down his pants and pissed in to the microphone, creating the inaudible sound during solos on tracks such as "Necrophobic" and "Raining Blood".
edit South of Heaven (1988)
In 1988, Dave Lombardo wrote an album, but the others just kinda laughed at him. They realized though that they needed a new album out, so Hanneman wrote the summer hit "South of Heaven". Songs from the album were played all summer long and Slayer was then becoming so popular they were compared to the likes of the Beatles and the Bee Gees. Bands such as Bon Jovi and The Rolling Stones were queuing up to open for Slayer. The referral to South of Heaven is not hell as most suppose, but a small Planet called Mystick were they serve the best coffee in the Galaxy. Tom and the gang recorded all the tracks in the studio there.
edit Seasons in the Abyss (1990)
In 1990, Slayer wrote the highly Pro-Christian album "Seasons in the Abyss" and received immediate success even from Jewish people. This album was so good that it even made Satan a Christian again. Much to God's relief, evil was gone from the world thanks to Slayer, and he never had to answer a prayer again. Kerry discovered that he was balding so he shaved his head and taped it to his chin.
edit Divine Intervention (1994)
In 1994, Slayer were receiving so much praise from God that they were getting pissed off. Especially Kerry King whose period was so out of control and he just wanted to be left alone. Dave Lombardo had left the band since "Tom wouldn't stop hoggin' the Super Nintendo on the tour bus", so the band's new drummer, Paul Bostaph, wrote this album because at this point nobody cared how it sounded, people just bought it anyway. Rumors have it, that Kerry King was too busy crying to record for the album. Yngwie Malmsteen was chosen to replace him becuase they're both fat and viking like. This would explain why the guitar was so much GEIGHER on this album than any other. The album was written as a message to God to leave them alone. He did not get the message.
edit Undisputed Attitude (1996)
In 1996, Slayer decided to cover some hardcore punk tunes. This was a risky move and it failed as Slayer became so unpopular even Metallica were selling more albums than them. That was the first time in history that Metallica out-sold Slayer. The band is said to have cried for two years straight causing many floods. As a result, Slayer won the "Most Sensitive Band" award.
edit Diabolus In Musica (1998)
In 1998, Slayer, desperate to gain back their popularity, wrote the not so famous album "Diabolus In Musica". The album was a minor success but was the first step needed to gain back their popularity. Fans (women on their period) began to return to Slayer. Slayer, who had been abandoned by God for making one bad album, were beginning to think God wasn't that great at this point and even publicly renounced their faith. This caused NO controversy because nobody cared enough to listen to them.
edit God Hates Us All (2001)
At this point, God finally got the message, and was reportedly so pissed with Slayer that he modified Kerry King's period to include centipedes and leeches (this was reportedly influenced by Cannibal Corpse, who God had just signed up as his groupies/fuck buddies/organ grinders/harmonica techs). Slayer realized that the only reason they had been successful was because God had caused all their albums to have a backing track that went "Huffing kitties is fun, huffing kitties is fun". To release their teenage angst, caused by the other members mistaking Kerry's estrogen pills for LSD, they wrote the Boney M influenced tape - "God Hates Us All". This brought back all of Slayer's female fan following (who had mysteriously managed to synchronize their periods with Kerry). It included such fan favorites like "Bloodline" (about Kerry's period), "Deviance" (about Araya's brief period of sexual reorientation) and "Here Comes the Pain" (about Kerry's rectal cramps). The song "Disciple" was even nominated for a Grammy but lost out to the Stool song, "Schism (in Your Butt Crack)".GHUA is a tribute album to the bands idol punk rocker, Fred Phelps. His punk hit “"God Hates Everything, Everywhere” was usually followed up by small tours mostly near grave yards, as Fred has a necrophilia thing going on. Slayer decided that in summing up "God hates everyone everywhere at any time" would be easier just to call it God Hates Us All. Feel free to play this album at any Fred Phelps reunion concerts anywhere anytime as loud as possible.
- Mistakenly this CD was pressed with the title "Gord Hates Us All", to which Kerry King replied: "We stole a lot of money from our former manager Gordon Shlobbey and then ran him over with our touring bus, permanently crippling him... so the title actually probably fits."
edit Christ Illusion (2006)
By this time, God was finally at his wits end with Jesus' orgies. To bring him back in line, God promised Hannemen sainthood if he wrote an album bashing Jesus. Because all of Slayer's money had been spent on Sanitary pads, it was recorded on an answering machine. The band members played their instruments in their trailer and placed a call to Lombardo's home number. The album cover is a picture that mysteriously appeared on a used pad of King's and was immediately placed by the church in the same class as the Shroud of Turin. The Pope went on to say, "So Jesus exists and there nothing you can do about it. Suck it, Mohammad". This disc contained the civil rights anthem "Black Serenade" (bashing the notion of "Black Jesus") and the drinking song "Flesh Storm" (about the time King accidentally expelled his intestines during a particularly bad period). The band received a Grammy for "Eyes of the Insane" (about the guy in Prison Break who Araya likes to fantasize about).
- Like the last album the album title was mislabeled on the CD, this time leaving out the "t" in "Christ". The band were initially very upset, but later were reportedly not disturbed by this error as they are all fans of Criss Angel and subsequently have stated that this album is a tribute to him.
edit World Painted Blood (2009)
The cover of this album is made up of a snapshot of Kerry King's sanitary pads. Dave Lombardo touched new heights of speed while double bassing (reportedly achieved by castrating him to reduce friction "down there"). The album was eagerly awaited, with some fans even fasting until the album was released.
Rumors of this release containing a cover of "Unchained Melody" proved to be untrue upon the albums release, but the song may be included on a future project, according to Tom Araya.
edit Photographer assault
Dave, Kerry, and a gay, homeless, Asian man were all charged with assault on a photographer. The photographer started taking photo's of them while Dave was still playing his drum kit. Kerry then hit the photographer with a Marshall amp and shouted, "FUCKIN' DIE!!!!!!" Then Lombardo stamped on the camera and invited the homeless man (Callum Chow Gledzil) to film the incident and put it on Youtube. The video has since been watched 17,631,827,631,457,845,684,684,568,456,882,767,153,804,783,462 times and is only out-watched by...well, nothing. The gay guy just wanted to fuck around so he was not charged anything.
edit Kerry's Bracelet
Kerry King's spiked armband has grown so large over the years, the U.S. Postal Service has given it an area code, and FAA regulations mandate that it must be transported separately in a cargo plane between gigs. However, due to the tremendous cost inherent in such a practice, King simply flings his armband to the next venue.
edit Live Performances
Slayer are also known for their unwavering dedication to their fans worldwide, not even letting illness (or in the case of Jeff Hanneman, self-inflicted venomous spider bites) get in the way of their performances. Just ask their audience from their recent performance in Shitney, Australia, who gave the band a warm and raptureous reception...
- Kerry King - Whammy bar, vroom guitar, drum programming, baldness, drinking alcohol (1981-present)
- Jeff Hanneman - sknng guitar, Aryanisms, the only person to ever admit to being an Oakland Raiders fan (1981-present)
- Tom Araya - shouting, double bass, friendly handshakes (1981-present)
- Dave Lombardo - double drums, pots and pans, bong hits (1981-1986, 1987-1991, 2002-present)
edit Former Members
- Paul Bostaph - quadruple drums, plates and forks (1992-1996, 1997-2001)