User:Roman Dog Bird/Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts

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Lars bingo

Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts

Metallica's drummer Lars Ulrich was the pioneer of the world famous Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts, said to bring luck to anyone playing bingo. Based on his own drumming/bingo pantaloons, this caused a surge of bingo playing maniacs to buy shorts. They then rebelled against Lars when they discovered that not only are the shorts not lucky, but the crotch wears out too fast.

A money grubbing whore by nature, Ulrich realized selling his bingo pantaloons would be a good idea when he noticed Metal legend Ozzy Osbourne hanging all over his balls during their 1986 tour together"

“I remember Ozzy being all over my balls that day, telling us how much of an influence we were on Black Sabbath, wocka wocka wocka...”

But Osbourne tells a different story:

“EyelltellyouwhutIthinkofLarsUlrichHE'sacrazymanheisuhuhuhhhINEVERsaidIlikedMutallikaandlarsulrichisonlyashighasmeknee...SHARON!”

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Boxer-shorts-hearts

This is the most common form of the bingo shorts... avoid at all costs!

Referred to in some circles as "crotch goblins" (which is also Ulrich's nickname), the bingo shorts have been cited for starting many fights, conflicts and even war in a few countries:

  • The 1998 fight between Lars and James that ended in Garage Inc. having a Bob Seger cover on it
  • 2003's release of St. Anger
  • War on Terra

If You Ever See A Pair

They will most likely be on Lars and in order to combat their wickedness you must follow the next procedure step by step:

  • Kick repeatedly into the groin region
  • Stuff him inside a potato sack
  • Obtain crowbars
  • Beat the sack with aforementioned crowbars until the movement stops
  • The healing begins for all of humanity...
  • Sue Him
  • Profit

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