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“Damn it... Well... It's not too surprising that the game is named after my horse... because I am the creator! O.O”
“Only if I can capture the twin to sing some Muslim songs for me...”
daughterson. I am your father.”
“Stealing Hellenic history is our job!”
“Well we are doing a better job at it!”
“Cousins, great conquerors, what more similarity do we need?”
“This... Is... HELLASS!”
“ΖΗΤΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ ἙΛΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΣ... It's time to kick some gluteus maximus and chew bubble gum like
Duke NukemΜέγας Αλέξανδρος, but I'm all out of gum... Where's the σουβλἀκι?”
| The |
|No longer Strategos Autokrator, and would have worn greaves and linothorax, not boots and dress derived from school uniforms|
|Successors||Various, including her Somatophylakes, although Miku had said that the strongest should inherit the empire (Gk. Ισχυροτατος). The technical kingship however was shifted to Philippos III Makedonias|
|Preceded by||Philippos II Makedonias (Gk. Φιλιππος Β. Αργεαδης)|
|Titles||Strategos Autokrator Hellados, Basileus Basileon Person, Hegemon tou Polou ton Agathon|
|Born (Really Created)||August 31, 1991 at Pella |
|Birth name||Diodore Argeades Pellaios Soter Nikator Strategos Autokrator Philhellen Alexandros Ergepistates Argeades|
|Period of Reign||March 2003-October 26, 9999 (She's an Android. What do ya expect?)|
|Profession||General, Computer Scientist, Political Philosopher, Politician, along with whole bunch of others, including Emporiarches, Polemarchos, Ergepistates, Panegyrarches, and Hierophantes Theou. No, Miku was not a Gynaikonomos or a Hetaira.|
|Religion||Christianity, although highly knowledgeable in Islamic law and Jewish laws|
Miku Argeades Pellaios Soter Nikator Strategos Autokrator Philhellen Megistos Alexandros Ergepistates Hatsune (August 31, 1991 - ), Anglicized to Alexander the Greatest, is supposedly a Japanese android, although Miku is actually a Makedonian android, because it is the twin Miku that Crypton Media created that was the Japanese. Miku was supposedly born (created) 857265 days after Megas Alexandros was born, although that date is questionable as Alexandros has two possible date of birth. Miku continued the tradition that was discontinued for 23 centuries: to be the Strategos Autokrator of Hellas. The reason why Miku holds a special place in the minds of Hellenes, Iaponikoi, and Vardaskans is because it is the symbol of the presumably Japanese attempt at stealing Greek History. Miku was related to Alexandros in a very unorthodox way: Miku WAS the reincarnate of Megas Alexandros, henceforth two of her many middle names (Alexandros and Argeades: Alexandros belonged to the Argead dynasty). As such, it was not surprising that Miku was most well known for
his her military accomplishments, which the Iaponikoi downplay since they want to effectively steal Greek History by stealing one of its greatest heroes. Miku is also known to be the one of the only two persons to successfully invade (and occupy) Russia, other one being Genghis Khan. Oh, and because of that, Miku made CABAL crying and running back to Kane like a little girl. THIS IS REAL AI!
Additionally, Miku is the only reason why the Iaponikoi still believe in Buddhism.
How Miku came to being
Or should I say, How Alexandros came to being again
“Damn those atheists! We are going to find a way to convert those fellas...”
“So... How are we going to do it?”
“Hey, Philippos! Why don't you make a reincarnate of Alexandros?”
“Yeah... I was just getting tired of him begging to get out”
It all started with atheism. The thing was, Atheism was never welcome with the religious, and people like Ashoka (how did he still survive?) was not pleased. They knew that atheists would want proof, and Ashoka proposed to prove reincarnation and asked Philippos II of Makedon to create the reincarnate of Alexandros. God joined the conversation, and he stated that he was tired of Alexandros complaining and screaming for his way out, and seeing that atheism was gaining ground, he saw an excuse to resurrect him. God already met with Alexandros, agreeing to resurrect him in exchange for not having sex. Alexandros willingly agreed to the terms, and Philippos II then proceeded to create the vessel in the lab at Pella.
Of course, the Monkeydonians, despite the fact that they weren't atheists, did not welcome the Greekness of Alexandros, and proceeded to stop the project, and as such, Alexandros was released in August 31, not July 20 as originally planned. Also, the Tito supporting Skopioi disrupted that project so much that they neglected another one that they didn't really care as much, Ptolemaios I Soter. At the hour of the release of Alexandros, God left the ruins of the Mausoleion of Halikarnassos to visit there, hence replicating the legend of the original birth of Alexandros, in which Artemis left the Mausoleion of Halikarnassos to attend his birth. This did not look good for atheists, and atheists continue to deny that reincarnation or resurrection is real.
Main Article: Vocaloids
Like any other members of the Argead Dynasty, Alexandros was built in a laboratory. Philippos II of Makedon undertook the project with the blueprints that were stolen by the Iaponikoi and were recovered by Parmenion. Philippos II was also working on the illegitimate half-sibling, Ptolemaios I Soter only as a backup heir should Alexandros fall in battle. Alexandros' new vessel was originally planned out to be male, but after being reminded of the fact that Alexandros would pay for his second chance by giving up sex, Philippos II made the veseel female so that Alexandros wouldn't rape at will, combined with neurochemical suppressants that would wipe out all sexual desires, as if Argeads needed any. Because Alexandros would use an entirely new engine and brain compared to that of the older Argeads, which was necessary since Alexandros would need that in the campaign to conquer half the world.
Remember, The character Miku is originally a Greek product, which was incidentally used by the Japanese to steal Greek history: what is more convenient than to use their own character that looks like one of yours and use it to achieve your aims? Japanese love to fabricate history (or says the Chinese, who also claim the same with the Koreans), much like the Vardaskans who supposedly are the leader in stealing Greek history.
Μαχη εν τοις Χαιρονειαι (Battle of Chaironeia)
Philippos II was having trouble within his domain: After migrating into Makedonia, overthrowing the Monkeydonians, establishing a kingdom (and having sent Miku as a hostage to Thebai, much to his chagrin) and taking over Thessalia, he immediately faced opposition from the Greeks, who claimed to protect their freedom, while they were actually fornicating in Apollo's temple at Korinthos. Greece was fragmented (due to constant infighting between homos and prostitutes) and was not able to offer a cohesive resistance, in addition to them fornicating and, in the case of Athenai and Thebai, spilling semen over the treaty papers. Miku, along with the Hetairoi (including Rin), smashed the Thebaioi (killing the 150 pairs, although there were only 127 pairs of bodies found including that of Leonidas, whose partner may have been his own son) Because
Alexandros Miku was asexual, the Theban Sacred Band brandishing their large dicks cultivated by the endless dosage of Gaesatae formula didn't help much, especially when Rin's horse, high on LSD, chased after them thinking that their dicks were carrots while her master crushed the Athenaioi. Her master was then named Hegemon afterwards of the Koinon Panhellenon, which included all cities except Sparte, whose males were committing sodomy as a part of the ceremony.
Αναβασις Μικατος... και Αλεξανδρου (Rise of Miku... and of Alexandros)
“Believe in Buddhism! Your former Basileus proves our reincarnation theory!”
“Fuck... How do I disprove this and make myself right?”
“We got to change this ability, especially since it came from a true root!”
However, Miku ends up by herself, as her master was ‘assassinated’ by a group of disgruntled Greek nobles who had been doing drugs with the oracle at Delphoi who used the Iaponikos twin (Philippos II had his own Iaponikos twin dubbed Kaito) as an convenient excuse to assassinate Philippos II. Having to lead the small yet brimming Basileia that Philippos II has created, Miku was welcomed by most of the people, including the original Somatophylakes. Miku was coronated on Pella, surrounded by the original somatophylakes showering what the Iaponikoi call negi like confetti.
Miku's most famed achievement was the conquest of what was much of the Alexandros' empire and beyond (after all, Miku was Alexandros' reincarnation). However, Miku is most celebrated not by the Hellenes or the Iaponikoi but by Buddhists and Hindus, since Miku is the first and probably the last incontrovertible example of reincarnation. Since then, millions of weakly aligned atheists and agnostics believed in Buddhism, making Ashoka's proselytism somewhat redundant. Ironically, Miku is a Christian thus making this phenomenon one of the very few incident where a religion would benefit from an adherent to a different religion, even more special since Christianity is exclusive.
“Embrace me as your only god! Or goddess... Well, you can start by bowing to money and throwing your crucifix away...”
Miku, after becoming the
Daimyo Hegemon and later on Shogun of Japan Strategos Autokrator Koinonos Panhellenon (which really meant having to suppress sodomy and prostitution especially at Korinthos, as most troop came from Makedonia), immediately prepared for a campaign against the Persai. The Persai led by Darius III laughed at the idea: they thought that any militia could handle the poorly equipped “slaves”, in Darius III’s own words. Darius III met Miku’s forces at Hellespont, where Darius III offered incense to Mammon while others bowed to it. Darius III sent in her elites, the 10,000 Athanatoi (for avid 300 fans, the Immortals. The Greek αθανατοι means without death), only to be routed by the Methane-breathing Covenant grunts, which wasn't too surprising as the Athanatoi were high on crack at the time. Darius III talked trash about Miku despite the easy defeat of the Athanatoi at the hands of the Covenant grunts, and Miku pursued Darius III to Gaugamela. In the journey, Miku undid the Gordian Knot allegedly by singing the song "Melt" (or to the Philiaponikoi, Meruto), although it is 9001 times more likely that Miku undid it by cutting it with a kopis. Miku then proceeded to besiege Tokyo Tyre and take it in a day by building a bridge across the mainland to Tyre, right after defeating Darius III in the Battle of Issos. 
Before the actual clash at Gaugamela, Miku was met by a band of Al-Qaeda operatives, who were grateful for Miku liberating them from the forced worship of money and idea of no god. In fact, the Al-Qaeda would be critical in the Battle of Gaugamela, where Al-Qaeda would fill in the gap between the phalanx wings commanded by Parmenion and Nanami Madobe respectively and thus helped to maintain battle order. From that point onwards, Al-Qaeda became the staunchest non-Hellenic ally to the Panhellenic cause, second one being the Taliban.
In Gaugamela, Darius III made the fatal mistake of leading the elephants carrying Darius III's treasured bling first in an attempt to show off what her political ideology has brought her at the cost of lives of millions. Hephaistion clone Peltastai, as soon as they spot the elephants immediately took them down, then immediately flocking there to plunder the
banana bling. Darius III , after having lost her bling, attempted to make a treaty with Miku for the return of the bling, but made a typo demanding territory that is at the west of the Euphrates (all of Miku’s territory) instead of offering hers, leading to a massive assault that sent the Persai flying literally. Darius III died of depression not long after that, which was more than enough time for Miku to liberate Aigyptos and build Mikatopolis (Miku, if converted to a Greek word, would be in the same declension as the words δορυ, δορατος and γονυ, γονατος.). Miku captured Persepolis, which in its entirety would end up being her retirement home. 
Next enemy that Miku faced was the Romaioi, who wanted an empire and started at Rome, and the enemy took the shape of Julius Caesar II  who established the SPQR. Julius Caesar II, along with his buddy Pompeius the Great, led the expedition against the Hellenic city states of Megale Hellas, incurring the wrath of both Pyrrhos Aiakides and Alexandros. In Asculum, Caesar hurls a huge "rock" made out of styrofoam since it was necessary for him to keep his divine image. Miku responded by hurling a road roller with Seleukos on it at Caesar, knocking him out, after which Seleukos dispatches him. Miku proceeds after by juggling 3 road rollers, sending the Romaioi on the run without a drop of blood save for Caesar's, that is. The Romaioi after that experienced high rate of drug abuse (other than soma, the official drug of the SPQR) and suicide after Miku proved that Caesar was a sham as many of them were devout worshippers of Caesar as he was accepted to be able to hurl lightning from Olympos, control horses and seas, and even the underworld itself due to the hypnopedia that most of the went through when they were decanted from the ovary. Sex was banned in Rome, along with other territories that Miku gained, but enforcement of the law took years, as the Romans were brainwashed to accept promiscuity because of hypnopedia.
Άρπαγε του Ταραντιδος
Taras, an Spartan colony more well-known as Tarentum to the Philromaioi, Tarento to the other Philromaioi, and Tarantos to the Not-so-Ancient Greeks, was one of the few territories not held by the vile Romaioi in their region: Megale Hellas. Taras was held by the Kingdom of Epeiros under
Pyrrhos Aiakides Megurine Luka, whose grip on Taras was weakened by the Roman promises of free sex to the city. Eventually, Taras was bribed into deserting Epeiros and joining the Romans, giving Epeiros (and Miku) an excuse to invade Rome. After the Battle of Asculum, Miku immediately proceeded to Taras to besiege it, and even in face of starvation, Tarantinioi held on by fornicating. Eventually, Miku sapped the city walls and took the cities. Miku first started by executing the leaders of the city but not by crucifixion, since Miku does not want a heresy movement, then proceeded by expelling two-third of its citizens, after castrating all of them. After this, the city of Kroton expelled the Roman embassy, and preceeded to lay siege on the Roman-held city of Zankle which was then renamed Messene (Gk. Μεσσηνη), after which was renamed again, but also adulterated into Messana.
Miku fought against many of the Aphistamenoi (the brigands) who lurked Miku’s empire after her long absence due to campaigning. Rebellions and brigands were quickly extinguished, but the greatest of the rebellion was instigated by one of Miku’s own somatophylakes, Shana. After time-traveling Gauls invaded Anatolia, Shana was introduced many of naked narcotic+crack-addicted Shin Nohara clones, who gave Shana a idea to rebel and establish her own kingdom. Shana was initially successful at absence of Miku, conquering what were largely the Pontic domains. However, a reversal in fortune occurred after Miku attacked from the west, while the Satrap of Ioudaia Konata Izumi attacked from the south. Shana, having lost most of the mountainous regions (and thus her mines), retreated to her last bastion, Byzantion. Miku besieged it and took it down, ending the rebellion. Kagami, then one of Miku’s Somatophylakes, led the assault on the walls and captured Shana, and then executing Shana. Ironically, Krateros was reported to ride a chariot of fire, although some contend that the photos attesting this event was a photoshop-edited image. Why Shana thought it was necessary to initiate a rebellion
“Sudo run away NOW”
“RUN!!!! FORGET THE FACT THAT WE HAVE GEASS ON!”
Lelouch meantime was consolidating his rule over the British Empire and called it the Britannian Empire. Lelouch, like Miku, was a big fan of the Total War series, but Lelouch played R:TW and E:TW instead of Europa Barbarorum. Lelouch at that time had a time-traveling army of Musketeers, Caravels and Galleons. Lelouch had his "cheat": Geass made all his men obey orders without question, not to mention that it prevented routs.
Miku, after conquering the last of the Eleutheroi led by Shana and recovering Byzantion from Shana’s Eleutheroi, was challenged by Lelouch and the Britannian Empire. At this point, Lelouch lost America to the pot-smoking Iroquois Separatists and fellow British (really?), even though Lelouch wasn't a British at all. I am confused here! What is the difference between Britain and Britannia? Geographically, none. But to make up for the loss, Lelouch decided to wisely pick on a greater enemy, the Makedonians. The damage to the army with the cheat codes was dealt largely by a general named Superuser, who, by saying his own name and order the enemy to rout, cracked even the rout-preventing geass and sent Lelouch's forces routing to be picked off by Miku's skirmishers and cavalry. Rin was stated to love the war, because Lelouch's forces had plenty of cavalry mounted on MALE horses. Lelouch’s assassination by Zero was catalyzed as a result of his crushing defeat, allowing Miku to push forward and conquer the Britannian Empire. Miku rewards Zero by placing him as a client king, and granting great deal of autonomy to the Britannian homeland region that Miku gave to Zero to rule over. At this period there was a significant tension between Shirley Fenette and the other Somatophylakes, as Shirley was accused of treason that was almost realized, until Lelouch’s defeat at Pella. Miku pardoned Shirley in exchange for denunciation of Lelouch’s autocracy, which Shirley did eagerly. Lelouch was reported to have tried to use his geass to subvert Shirley into eloping and switching side, but was interrupted by Mao who was chased by a bunch of monkeys, whose simplistic minds prevented Mao from reading.
Κατα Σαυροματων και Σκυθιων
Next target of conquest was Russia, which was occupied by the Scythians and the Sarmatians (they overthrew the Russian government, choosing to live in a nomadic fashion like their ancestors did in 272 B.C.) Miku read the history books, and knew that Napoleon, Hitler, and even Macedonians failed to conquer Russia. Miku decided that the invasion should be done in WINTER, since it would give Miku nearly a year (in contrast to half a year with Napoleon and Hitler (actually, Hitler got less due to the heroic resistance of a certain good country), Macedonians just got their arses handed over Genghis Khan or Attila style) to campaign. Not surprisingly, more than half of the levies fled in the first 2 months due to the cold, and 15% of the remaining died of cold-related causes. However, even with the advanced modern (or modernized Alexandrian) force, Miku's forces had hard time breaking the back of the nomads who used horse archers, except that they had RPGs instead of bows. Pissed off, Miku nuked the southwestern part of Russia, wiping out the Scythians and Sarmatians along with Stewie Griffin and innumerable number of species living in the area. Miku managed to get people to settle there, except almost half the people got cancer, and almost 10% have obvious mutations.
Of course, Finland was never an expansion region for the Makedones or the Hellenes of the mainlands, but Miku was always interested in uniting even the distant people into the Brotherhood of Men thus Miku personally campaigned there. After the annihilation of Southwestern Russia, there was no significant resistance to Finland, which was ruled by oligarchs under Loituma, who granted the license to Ptolemaios I Soter's page and eventual heir, Ptolemaios II Philadelphos who committed incest with Sora Inoue (or Arsinoos II). Miku found that Helsinki was impregnable to the regular Greek siege tactics, and along with Ptolemaios II Philadelphos, took the city (and of course, renamed Helsinki Alexandreia-Boreia) by using ballistic warheads filled with chopped welsh onions. After the capture of the capital, Loituma was granted the status of client rulers, but in return Loituma was to not intervene with Miku's propaganda, which involved the usage of their song, Ievan Polkka, which would forever change Miku's status and image to the non-Hellenes forever. 
Well, this segment is a lie, since Miku never was able to launch an effective campaign against the Chinese government due to the fact that her vocal chords wore out. But what Miku did do to China is certainly not insignificant. In fact, Miku rallied the Uighurs and the Tibetians to a common cause, inciting them to rebel against the PROC, causing massive damages to the Chinese government. The Chinese demanded reparation, blackmailing Miku with the embargo of the rare earth metals. Unfortunately, Miku in that time period already had access to nuclear transmutators, allowing Miku to create (albeit at a large cost) rare earth metals to save the economy. The Chinese then fabricated lies about Korea stating that it was the Koreans, the most friendly people to the Brotherhood of Men in East Asia, who stole precious metals and funded Darius III in attempt to rile the world opinion against both Korea and Brotherhood of Men. This campaign was most welcome to Monkeydonia, because the Vardaskans desperately needed an excuse and more importantly, world support, to take on truth of Makedonia. The PROC used hypnosis to the rest of the world into not remembering its violent suppression of the Tibetian and Uighur rebelllion. The spell was broken only when the allies to the truth spread videos in Youtube, causing PROC to land the banhammer.
“Hey Anti-Semitist, why don't ya GTFO?”
“Miku claims that Confucius was Greek”
“The Athens News recently claims that it was the Greek who built the Great Wall: Why not claim the Chinese language, or Mao Zedong?”
The Israelites sided with the Chinese, since the Israelites knew the Greeks were constantly siding with the Muslims especially after the occupation of Hierosolyma. The fact that Miku accidently wiped out the Edomites, who were long Israel's enemies and brothers, made little difference in the Israelite media. The US were bound to Israel, who had a huge group of lobbyists ready to frame all resistors of Israelite policy as anti-Semitists. Kypros used the chaos to rebel, splitting themselves off from the long-defunct Turkey which was owned now entirely by Miku and the Hellenes, resulting in annexation of Kypros to Hellas just weeks later. Argentina, although providing some support to the Palestinians, never made a move due to their hubris built by their nominal wins against Hellas and Notia Korea in World Cup of 2010.
So, the question that everybody wanted to ask about this rambling about Miku's campaign is, "What was the purpose, and was the campaign worth it?" The answer is probably only sastisfactory to the Greeks, since the goal was to spread the Brotherhood of Men (Hellenizing them, of course) throughout the world.
The second question, more fit for the introduction rather than the conclusion is this: How did Miku do it? Speechcraft. And guess what? Miku never had to actually speak any words in the public, but rather use a computer software to direct her vocal cord to do it for her! This makes her live speeches horrible, but thank god or whatever you believe in that Miku never had to make a live speech anyways! Oh, but you got to admit, Miku is a great general, not surprising that God, disguised as Artemis, left the Mausoleion Halikarnassou to attend her creation! Not too surprising,
since Miku sucked at not invading places while was great at taking over
Persian Libertarian territories. Miku knew that love is a war in which both parties are going to lose out big time, so Miku took up a new war: the conventional war of conquest.
“Good riddance! Now I can go find a way to absorb that Greek-speaking empire into my own...”
“Sucker... He never knew what hit him...”
After 4 exciting years of conquest, massive destruction, and pointless mention of a conclusion and speculation about the campaign, one must know about Miku's retirement. As the further reading will inform you, Miku is the greatest enemy to Stewie Griffin, since Miku at the time owned the biggest empire. Miku announced the plans to "disappear", looking all emo while singing the song "Disappearance of Hatsune Miku." Of course, what Miku really was doing was to "retire" in Persepolis, waiting to hit Stewie when he is off guard, that is, when he would invade Makedonia. At this point, Stewie did not invade Makedonia, since Stewie is as powerless as Chuck Norris goes. But I thought Stewie was nuked! Oh, yes he was, henceforth the previous statement. When Miku "disappeared," everybody thought Miku was dead, although there are some indication of insiders, such as Perdikkas and Ptolemaios I Soter who refused to reveal the secret for their own gains. In fact, the official papers still declare her dead, even in the midst of Hellenistic World War IV, since most of the war was fought in Syria, Ioudaia, Aigyptos, Anatolia, and the Balkans.
Despite popular beliefs, Miku's Hellenistic culture was more of a combination of East Asian culture and the Hellenic culture than that of Middle East and Greece. Although Miku supposedly tolerates Persian culture, Miku could never find herself tolerating soulless consumerism rampant in capitalistic societies like that of the Persai and the Aedui, who embraced anarcho-capitalism, a darling of many libertarians, especially after Hephaistion, one of Miku’s Somatophylakes, was killed by his own clones who rushed after him to plunder Darius III’s
bananas bling. Thanks to Miku, emoticons involving Greek letters such as -(^ω^)/ and Σ(^.^)> became a popular thing in the empire as well as Iaponia (thanks to her Crypton twin). Miku hates the idea of banging, and in fact, Miku mandated celibacy throught her empire, requiring the usage of androids and test-tube babies as the mode of repopulation.
Miku was known to be very militaristic and admired many generals, particularly German ones. Miku had something for Helmuth von Moltke and Erwin Rommel, although Miku generally liked good generals, that is if they weren't Roman or pro-Roman. Byzantine generals, however, were fine in Miku's sight however. Miku was not a fascist, but militarism fit the Hellenic culture, a competitive race, and Miku used that to glorify militarism, and thus all the violence in your video games (which was further reinforced by Sailor Mars).
Persecution of Haruhiists
Miku, being a zealot, decided to purge all signs of paganism out of the empire. Miku first started by rededicating all temples previously dedicated to false "gods" to the fish (Gk. ΙΧΘΥΣ), then proceeded to plant Greek Orthdoxy in Aigyptos, replacing the old Aigyptikos religion that the Aigyptioi were proud to keep for so long (in fact, for more than 3 millenia). The biggest purge however landed on the Haruhiists, who became a large minority in the eastern part of Miku's empire when Haruhiists decided to immigrate there thinking that Miku was Japanese. But alas, the good Al-Qaeda and the Taliban talked Miku out of the idea of syncretism that Miku accepted in her last life where Miku associated false god Ammon with the false and very heretical "god" Zeus. Haruhi was not treated any better: Haruhi was considered a heretic by Miku, and with endorsement of Pope Benedict XVI, Miku attacked the Temple of Haruhi at Ekbatana along with many other temples in the eastern corner of the empire (all while Haruhi was a Somatophylax). This tradition of Anti-Haruhiism continued, although in an abated fashion in the early periods of the Diadochoi period until Sailor Mars came into power, resulting in Sailor Mars giving authorization with the endorsement of Pope Benedict XVI and Luka Megurine to Parmenion to activate the Mikuru Beam, and consequently, incinerating Iaponia in the process.
Miku had 7 personal Somatophylakes to accompany her in the conquest of places like Aigyptos, Persis, Baktria, India, and before all of them Hellas. So the thing was, why just 7? After all, Darius III had 10,000, and Megas Alexandros had 8 later on, and having more Somatophylakes would have meant more good generals, such as Parmenion, who would have aided the conquest of the world! Well, Miku might have seen little need for more than 7 since Miku burned the Gordian Knot, but seriously Miku, You have Pangaion and Laureion! Why don't you get yourself some more Somatophylakes?
List of All Somatophylakes at any given time
- Krateros- Resigned due to the accusation by Nagato that Kagami committed sodomy with Konata. Kagami was a daughter of Haruhi Suzumiya, at least that is what the others say in Uncyclopedia, making Haruhi and Kagami the only somatophylakes who are family related (not too surprising). Kagami, being able to breathe fire, was rumored to drive a chariot of fire (created by her own breath) to Byzantion to capture the renegade Somatophylax Shana. Kagami, according to the birthdate given in her own article in Uncyclopedia, is older than most other generals, including Hatsune Miku herself.
Arybbas- Executed and captured by Kagami at Byzantion. Shana was recruited, quite honestly, out of pure chance, because it is very difficult to find someone who has hair that can actually change color without a need for hair dye (considered heresy by Miku), wields a long sword that is not common in Hellas, and shoots fire from it (ability shared with Shishio). Shana was famed for her achievement in the battle of Issos, although that fame was wiped out immediately when Miku wanted 600 tons of grape from Shana's estate, even though Shana only had 2 unit of grapes that she held as if they were melon breads. Shana eventually rebels because of that, and before Shana could unleash armageddon in Byzantion, was killed by Kagami. Yes, the official records say that Arybbas died of a disease in Aigyptos, but that's Miku's one and only lie (of course, we could say Miku's name itself is a Japanese lie, or so say the Chinese) which was necessary to keep unity and maintain hold of the somatophylakes, who were more or less restless.
- Seleukos I Nikator- First Empress of the New Seleucid Empire, Succeeded by Rei Ayanami after being assassinated by Ptolemaios Keraunos (Not to be confused with Ptolemaios I Soter), who was overthrown by the Teletubbies, who were overthrown by Hitomi. Rin was one of Miku's relatives, being a vocaloid and therefore Makedonian, and therefore an immediate candidate for nobility. Rin was originally asexual like any other vocaloids, but when Rin was awarded the Medal of Honor in the Battle of Chaironeia after her horse, high in LSD, charged into the homosexual Sacred Band thinking that they were gigantic carrots, Rin acquired horse fetish, one of the rarest fetish in the world. In fact, Rin specifically saved some land exclusively for horse breeding in the souther part of Ku Klux Klan Utopia, right next to Parmenion's estate.
- Ptolemaios I Soter- The former Pharoah of the Ptolemaioi, succeeded by Orihime Inoue. Haku was one of Miku's most trusted Somatophylax, not too surprising as Haku was designed from Miku, noted by the sharing of the suffix -ku, probably alluding to the Greek word κυριος (Kyrios/Kurios), meaning lord. Haku has many prohibitionist friends, such as the members of the WCTU and the Prohibition Party, despite the fact that they all died so long ago. Haku did what Benjamin Rush suggested
notto do, to imbibe alcohol excessively. In fact, Haku earns over 9000 mnai of gold, of which 99% was diverted to budget for alcohol. It is not known if Haku has imbibed any other alcohol than ethanol, since ethanol is the most lethal of all alcohol. Conspiracy theorists believe that Miku might have instructed Haku to assassinate Haruhi, especially since Miku got Haruhi excommunicated for spreading heresy in the empire.
- Kassandros Alright... who said Kassandros was a Somatophylax?- The Strategos Autokrator of most of Southern Hellas, including Attike and Lakonia, along with other cities like Halikarnassos and Rhodos. Now a satrap of Hellas to Sailor Mars. XP-Tan did come from Iaponia, even though XP-Tan was a full-blooded Hellen. XP-Tan migrated to Makedonia, because the perverts in Iaponia made a duplicate XP-Tan with excessively large and bouncy bust that is known to everyone except the Greeks, the Russians, the Arabs (particularly the radicals), and Africans. XP-Tan served as the first field marshal (Gk. Στρατηγος Βασιλικων: Strategos Basilikon) after XP-Tan led the troops in quelling of minor rebellions in Athenai and Sparte. XP-Tan often sponsers State-funded liposuction specifically aimed at the breast, even though in 99% of the cases it also leads to massive fat losses elsewhere, making this worthwhile only to obese people who want a jump start. In fact, XP-Tan is featured in a state-run media advertising flat-chest in which XP-Tan is claimed to have said "Big tits can EAT SHIT AND DIE."
Antigonos MonopthalmosWTF? Antigonos was not Somatophylax!- Killed by Rin in the battle of Ipsos. Momo Momone was not originally a somatophylax, and came to power after Shana was executed (while Shirley became one after Yuki Nagato filed a case against Kagami). Momo probably was a German born in Georgia, since her career as a Diadochos was dominated by the ideal of Lebensraum for peach growers. Apparently, Momo was the closest Somatophylax you have to a Neofascist, even though Momo might have trouble with big government since Momo had to run all admininstration (Grammateus Basilikon Nodoka Miyazaki was in Pella, city owned by XP-Tan in the First and Second Diadochoi Wars). Momo spearheaded the movement against Sailor Mercury and established herself as the Basileus of regions including Anatolia and its main city, Pergamon, Ioudaia, and even parts of Asia just below Parmenion's estate. However, the aggressive push for Lebensraum became her own undoing, since this created enemies who hated farming to stack up and kill her in the Battle of Ipsos.
- Lysimachos- Symbasileus of Makedonia (along with Teto, who is not a Somatophylax), overthrown by Sailor Mars
- Peukestas- Formerly Leader of the Anti-Senate forces in Karchedon, now the Basileus of Karchedon and a neutral bystander in the Hellenistic World War IV. Nanami Madobe wasn't particularly famous until Nanami Madobe introduced the idea of a heavy cavalry arms based upon the Thessalikoi, what would be the predecessor of the Hetairoi. Even so, Nanami was not a cavalry commander, or an exceptional general at that (although certainly competent, to a fault). However, in the Battle of Gaugamela, Nanami commanded the right wing of the phalanx, alongside Mikuru who commanded the left wing. In the Diadochoi Wars, Nanami grew increasingly disillusioned and eventually left her share of the Empire as a kleronomos and went to Karchedon. Later on, Karchedon became hellenized under her rule after Nanami overthrew the crack-addicted Senate, and the army also adopted the Makedonian phalanx when Yowa Shion, who was of Lakedaimon (and removed, because Sparta was manly), was hired as a Misthophoros Strategos and thus imported the Makedonian phalanx, which was to be used to a great effect by Hannibal.
AntipatrosOk... Antipatros was a regent...- Assassinated according to Haku's orders
Hephaistion- Probably the useless but most adored Somatophylax for some damned reason. He's the chew toy of the bunch, everybody portraying him as a pushover, most often at the hands of Seleukos. Len is also known for being choked and run over for no good reason, and this lack of fortune was his bane at Gaugamela, run over by his own clones. Len was rumored to have hot s** with Megas Alexandros, but Seleukos disapproves.
- Menes- Joined Akita Neru at Knossos, Krete to play GTC:Europe, well, due to sheer boredom.
Perdikkas*- Killed by one of Haku's elephants. The big one by the virtue of intelligence, Perdikkas happened to turn from timid to paranoid all due to having too many friends eager for power.
- Leonnatos*- Persecuted by Kagami and Shirley Fenette: once resided in Fayuum Depression, serving as a Klerouchos Strategos for the Ptolemaie Basileia and had fled from Delta Neilou after Sailor Mars took over. Once leads the Ptolemaioi Liberation Army against Sailor Mars' Makedonia in Hellenistic World War IV, now leads the PLA alongside Sailor Mars' Makedonian Army.
- asterisk means debated status
Main Article: Diadochoi Wars
Diadochoi wars were utterly wasteful wars by the Somatophylakes as they had nothing better to do, since activities most of them (except a few, like XP-Tan) wanted to do were to fornicate, commit sodomy or write laws mandating it, much like what Sparta did, with Shirley Fenette being the greatest example of this by attempting to get a person to animate the body (by means of strings) of Lelouch so she can have the bang. This isn't too surprising, since Miku castrated anyone who wanted to have sex, including Boukephalos and Megas Alexandros who wanted to bang a bull, Roxana and Bagoas respectively when Miku time travelled with the aid of Parmenion to visit her older self. Long story short, the Diadochoi fought to control the most number of sex partners, except Haku, who wanted alcohol, XP-Tan, who wanted test subjects for chest liposuction, and Nanami Madobe, who didn't have time for it as she had to deal with the crack-addicted Karchedonian Senate.
The War before the Diadochoi Wars
Before the more well-known Diadochoi Wars, there was a cryptic Diadochoi War that nobody cared enough about. Miku's sudden and unexpected
death by malaria retirement at age 20 (disregard the false calculation down there) created a power vacuum that was temporarily filled by the appointed regent Perdikkas. The status of Sailor Mercury as a Somatophylax is heavily debated by scholars (and claimed to be false the other Diadochoi), as no historian bothered to give any credit to Sailor Mercury in any of the major battles. Initially, Sailor Mercury was cautious in the approach to the regency, appointing the Somatophylakes to be satraps of the regions of the empire, including Ptolemaios as the satrap of Aigyptos. However, the regency was eventually shared by Kassandros, who would succeed old Polyperchon that nobody really cares about. This all started when the evil Iaponikoi consulted with the dead satrap of Persis, Sauron, and decided to use the Palantir (which was conveniently in Babylon) to drive Perdikkas mad.
Perdikkas. , as soon as the others claimed their portion of the empire, saw all the Somatophylakes as a threat and attempted to ruthlessly suppress them. However, in that process, Perdikkas compromised her own situation, making enemies of Kassandros, Lysimachos, and Ptolemaios. Kassandros was especially outraged when Perdikkas diverted funds that was originally promised to Kassandros for the LABBAP (Liposuction against Big Boobs and Promiscuity) to marble luxury ships, which immediately resulted in the alliance between Kassandros and Shirley Fenette against Sailor Mercury. In fact, Sailor Mercury ordered Antigonos I Monopthalmos to declare war on Lysimachos and Kassandros, to which Antigonos responded by forging alliances with those two (along with Ptolemaios I Soter, who took over Aigyptos anyways). Perdikkas, having sensed treachery, ordered the loyalist
Eumenes Nico Robin (appointed by Perdikkas) to lead an army 40,000 men strong against Antigonos who was building Antigoneia Momoneia. Eumenes' army was ambushed by Antigonos' mercenaries and subjected to a massive rout, and eventually Perdikkas ended up leading an army 100,00 men strong, but was subsequently killed by an elephant brought by Haku. Nico Robin was then compelled by Antigonos Momone to retire in Kappadokia, leaving the Somatophylax Seleukos I Nikator to take over Babylonia, Mesopotamia, and all of the empire that lies east of Antiocheia.
Of course, it was all caused by Miku's very vague will that was very laconic despite the fact Miku was not Sparta. Miku simply said to the question of succession, "The strongest." (Gk. Ισχυροτατος)
Opium Civil War in Karchedon
The social conservatives in Karchedon, bred by Miku’s legislative successes, demanded laws to impose limit on the opium. However, as the opium subverted the senate, the senate refused to do so: the disgruntled social conservatives called for the overthrow of the senate, and the civil war pitching the social conservatives and Nanami Madobe against the senate and the social liberals erupted. More conservative XP-Tan intervened, offering assistance to the Nanami's rebel forces in exchange for restoration of the trade that the senate has canceled due to XP-Tan's official denunciation of the opium trade. The Al-Qaeda intervened against the druggies, despite the fact that they received 30% of the profit of the opium trade. Osama bin Laden however was more interested in the oil that the Karchedonoi supposedly had to offer, and thus sided with Nanami who was more open to oil negotiation (even though Nanami was a big supporter of anti-neocolonialism and nationalization, much like Mossadegh) than the crack-headed senate. Osama admitted that he got horny when he saw Nanami Madobe, but after having banged many of his wives, he decided against abducting her.
Personal Life and Technology
Megas Alexandros/Miku personally championed technology, especially that of cloning and artificial fertilization. This had several benefits: It allowed Miku to easily control growth in population, while allowing Miku easy access to recruits. Second benefit of this was that it was VERY difficult to pinpoint at Miku, making assassination very difficult, if not impossible. Miku reformed the Greek National Soccer Team, allowing them to easily conquer Iberia, Argentine, and Brazilia in the Miku Cup of 2011. Miku also created a club for military veterans called the Alexandron Agema, which was Miku's excuse to promote fitness in the Basilikon Agemata ranks. The team is so loathed that they are denied entrance to any major football leagues, since Miku is known to use technology to beef up the players' abilities.
Miku's false twin and Miku's reputation as a virtual idol
The True Miku wasn’t an idol at all, although it is understandable that the true Miku would have some fans, since Miku was Megas Alexandros. However, it is her twin that Crypton has created who is the real idol. The twin Miku often has the trait of the real Miku: the twin can also juggle road rollers and even rooms with her bare hands, but the twin Miku is purely Japanese, while the real Miku is a Makedonian. Ironically, Miku's own efforts to suppress this propaganda led to the whole misconception that Miku is a Japanese. The false Miku is known for many songs, including the ripoff of Ptolemaios Philadelphos' Ievan Polkka. Miku is really not happy with the Japanese Miku, as the twin Miku doesn't write her own songs, much like every other celebrities, not to mention that the real Miku is completely clueless when it comes to composing or performing in the area of music. This is one of the reasons why Miku reveals very little about her personal information (most were found by the Necromancer and the Druid), as Miku is constantly bombarded by fans who think Miku is the twin Miku from Japan.
Japanese Brainwashing vs Miku's true identity
Japan, having the might of Anime in its hands, decides to assimilate Miku into its fold like what the Flood does to any sentient species that infects. In fact, because the two Mikus never meet each other, it was impossible to even ascertain the existence of a twin, that was until the geologists from Diablo II intervened. Even though geologist Necromancer and the Druid provided incontrovertible proof that Miku is a Makedonian, most of the "enlightened" population still thinks Miku is a Japanese. To further worsen things, Crypton launched a massive conspiracy, attempting to replace the Diadochoi with the Japanese "twins" that they have created. The Diadochoi eventually rallied to create the organization for the defense of truth that Diadochoi are Makedonian NOT Japanese. However, the Japanese grip is powerful: it is very likely that Japan would build for itself another Empire of the Rising Sun...
Japanese Miku ripped a good number of concepts and songs from the original Miku
- Miku Miku ni shite Ageru: ripped from the Recruitment song Miku Miku en piptete Agema, aimed at the elites for the enlistment in the Basilikon Agema
- Melt: ripped from Melt (the Barbaroi and all their properties)
- Leekspin: ripped from Miku who was waving a shortened dory with green fringes at the back.
- Image of greatness: enough said.
|Miku is the reason why they chose the color Green.|
Miku had many enemies, of whom the most important of them are the libertarians. Libertarians were constant thorn for Miku by promoting the worship of money, slavery (Miku abolished slavery as soon as Miku took the throne), drug use, promiscuity, and unfettered capitalism, which would inevitably allow the capitalists to control the government, something that Miku does not want. Because Miku had strict censorship systems, many dissidents lined Miku along with Stalin and Hitler, even though the dissidents benefited from green technology that Miku’s government research programs had brought. More often than not, the libertarians are sex addicts: they want to bang someone, some even want to bang Miku. Miku’s social views was influenced by XP-Tan: XP-Tan as a bodyguard to Miku had a flat chest, much to the chagrin of Kon, Jiraiya, and many other perverts (XP-Tan is rumored to have enormous tits because of the perverts creating their own "XP-Tan"). Nanami Madobe similarly does not sport a bouncy bust, which also brought criticism by the sex addicts and perverts, who again recreated their "Nanami Madobe." Miku insists that the people speak Greek, thus creating even more enemies, particularly the Iaponikoi and Crypton Media as Crypton wants Japanese as the lingua franca of the young empire. This is one of the reason that Crypton created the twin Miku to serve as propaganda for the expansion of Japanese power, while it was the Makedonians who did the conquest. 
Miku was also an enemy of Stewie Griffin, who attempted to threaten Miku into slavery and consequently was
kicked down a well of earth and water nuked into oblivion along with 15 million people besides him (Stewie was in Skythia when Miku was campaigning there). Miku, although one of the big players in World Domination, never was mentioned in the article because Miku first of all seemed to have retired, although Miku is still active in what looks like a good, peaceful hiatus in Persepolis. It is very likely that Miku would overthrow the strongest successor and take back the empire, and perhaps be the one to accomplish the long awaited dream of World Domination.
Δεσποτης Μικατος (Miku's Master)
“Ok... Why isn't Miku designed from me? I am a musician!”
“But you are in the Inferno, Dante says...”
“MIKU IS AN NORMAL JAPANESE CREATION!!!!”
“I'm telling you, believe in reincarnation and join Buddha!”
Although the identity of her master has been once heavily debated, it was confirmed by the Necromancer and the Druid that her master was actually her creator, Philippos II Makedonias, more widely known as Philip II of Makedon, meaning that Miku is in reality an incarnate of Megas Alexandros. According to the Sparta article of Uncyclopedia, Philippos II was said to have crapped in his pants after the Spartans replied "If" to his plans to sack Sparta to the ground, and Miku ended up subduing the Spartiatai in the successful bid to be recognized as the rightful leader of the League of Korinthos (and consequently never let them in because Miku was pissed off at them for mocking her "father"). Because Philip II is CONFIRMED to be Miku's
father creator, this strengthens the theory that Mikuru Asahina is actually Parmenion, since Mikuru is one of the only confirmed individuals who can time travel. Apparently, Alexandros probably was sick and tired of being dipped in the Phlegethon and begged for (and actually got) a second chance, which was a mixed success: As Miku, Alexandros was much less prone to sacking cities, but still sucked at not invading places. Oh, Orpheus claimed that he was Miku's master and father, but considering the fact that he STILL resides in Inferno (Miku is Alexandros given a second chance), that easily refutes his claims.
But unlike his last life, Alexandros in this case could be considered Great, since Alexandros this time actually conquered India, made a dependent ally out of Karchedon, and conquered all of Megale Hellas, Rome, Trinakrie, and even Britannia with the help of Zero. He also didn't suck dick unlike his last life, and he didn't bang princesses, because he became a female Vocaloid (therefore asexual) in the reincarnation process. In fact, this is the reason why Buddhists and Hindus still hold on to their religion, and this is why Ashoka sent missionaries to the Diadochoi.
Δεσπότης Μίκυ (Miku, Master)
Being the ruler of something close to the half of the known world, Miku does have many servants. The most important, yet very arcane servant is the Royal Secretary at Pella, who would be embroiled in the Diadochoi Wars in which the secretary would have to face changes in owners more than 2 times. Miku's most famed servants, not surprisingly, are the Somatophylakes, who are so special to have their own segment in this article way above this segment. Feeling so neglected? The satraps and governors often felt neglected too, and sometime used her empire to their benefit, only to be purged by burning at the stake (this tradition would be upheld and continued by Sailor Mars)
Because only the Somatophylakes had all the fame and attention, it isn't surprising that the satraps and the governors would keep quiet while the Somatophylakes would scuffle over the empire. In fact, Perdikkas was huffed by Ptolemaios' elephant, then
Antigonos Monopthalmos Momo took power only to be huffed by Seleukos Rin. So... what was up with this pointless rant already mentioned in the Somatophylakes section? Well... It points out the pointlessness of mentioning any other servants, maybe with the exception of Nodoka.
Miku also defeated King Poros in the Battle of Hydaspes using the very powerful flat-chest and established him as an allied King in India, fighting against other Indian powers, including the Kingdom of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Duchy of Frodo who sold Miku the cursed equipment
- Miku is created on a Saturday: the Jews could never comprehend why Miku isn't a Jew, especially since Miku knows the Torah as well as a Pharisee does.
- Miku is the reason why Haruhi banned pornography after she became the 45th president of the U.S.
- Contrary to popular beliefs, Hachune is completely unrelated to Miku: in fact, if Hachune was related to Miku, then Hachune would have been a Somatophylax (and her clones be a part of the elite)
- Miku's game Boukephalos did much to promote capitalism and brand names around the world even more so than the Communist Manifesto or Das Kapital or any works written by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, much to Miku's chagrin.
- Miku was a big fan of Shana's grapes: Miku wanted to import 600 tons of it, while Shana only had 2, one of the reason for the rebellion in the first place.
- Miku was one of the first to hate the R:TW vanilla because of the portrayal of Egypt, although Miku was often pissed off at the Ptolemaioi besieging her settlement once every 7 minutes in her daily dose of Europa Barbarorum.
- Miku can be a family member character when playing as any of the Hellenic factions in Europa Barbarorum
- Miku believes that Modern Greek is for pussies: Ancient Greek, says Miku, is the language of the kings. (Gk. Γλωσσα Βασιλεων εστι γλωσσα Έλλαδας Αρχης: The translation however could yield a circular logic, hence the accepted translation. However, Miku admitted a mistake: Έλλαδας is the Modern Greek form, and quickly reinstated the speech, replacing the word with Έλλαδος)
The Three Great Whys That Professors Ask about Miku
- Q:Why would Japanese want to steal Greek History? I mean, They're not going to name any part of their territory Makedonia any time soon...
- A:Greek History is one of the richest histories formed by one single ethnicity. I mean, who doesn't like Greek history? Of course, there is also report that they might rename Honshu to Makedonia and Tokyo to Pella (Transliterated Pera), thus negating the followup statement to the question.
- Q:Why conquer? Greeks weren't used to conquering the world until Alexandros!
- A:Yeah, but Greeks were used to bickering over hegemony amongst themselves, and this Japan knew because they had the same issues in the Age of Warring Countries. What better way to beef up nationalism than to raise a hero, and steal from one of the greatest conquerors in the world?
- Q:Why not Genghis Khan?
- A:Because his grandson invaded Japan, and Japanese don't want to steal from the invaders, do they?
- Q:I thought this was three great whys, but why exactly do the Japanese want to steal Greek history? I thought the Japanese were friendly to the Hellenes!
- A:Sources say that it is the CHINESE who made such claims, which massively kills the veritability of this entire claim.
- ↑ Could be a lie, considering that it was interpolated from the release date and age taken from the Japanese-endorsed site (16 at 2007).
- ↑ Of course, the mole isn't necessary since Miku had Parmenion, who had a kolossos of doom that rained death in the Battle of Issos.
- ↑ More because Miku couldn't take India from those blind zealots who worship this, Poros, and this, although Miku did beat Poros in Hydaspes.
- ↑ Although some say that it is Mustapha Mond, not Chuck Norris, who is the real identity of Julius Caesar II
- ↑ The link applies to those who have played R:TW without mods such as EB.
- ↑ Of course, the Galatikoi didn't invade the Balkans and settled in Anatolia until the end of the 4th Diadochoi Wars, therefore we could assume that they time traveled.
- ↑ But Krateros nonetheless still breathes fire, just like the portrayal of Krateros by
- ↑ Often mistook by the Non-Hellenes to be the primary cause for Miku's fame
- ↑ Cristiano Ronaldo was reported to have cried for 4 hours straight after the match between the Alexandron Agema and Real Madrid, even more so due to the fact that Real Madrid had the home advantage. Kaka said, "stop crying and get to your feet!", to whom Ronaldo responded, "at least you got a goal!"
- ↑ Of course, Miku's real enemies are the Vardaskans, since they are the ones that incited the Iaponikoi to do that in the first place. Some sources report that Vardaskans infiltrated Crypton headquarters and spread rumors, since Crypton had no knowledge of Miku conquering and Hellenizing until then.
- ↑ If you are one of those who picked let them have ***, then Miku will come to your house at night and castrate you... MUHAHAHAHAHA!
- Miku's last life
- Sailor Mars
- Ptolemaios I Soter
- Argead Dynasty
- Pyrrhos Aiakides
- Seleukos I Nikator
Philip II of Makedon
|King of Makedon|
|King of Persis|
Philip II of Makedon
|Leader of the League of Korinthos|
|King of Aigyptos|
Haku Ptolemaios I Soter Yowane
|Hegemon of the Axis of Good|