User:Rickyrab/Staten Island Ferry
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The Staten Island Ferry is a passenger ferry service operated by the New York City Department of Transportation that runs between the bars and brothel on Manhattan Island and the bathroom on Staten Island. The prevalence of alcohol consumption during the ongoing recession explains the high level of ridership on the Staten Island Ferry.
The five mile journey takes about 22 minutes each way, which amounts to 13 or 14 miles per hour, which is still faster than the local traffic jam. (That's a lot of time to hold in your urine, by the way.) The ferry is now free of charge, though riders must disembark at each terminal, make a left or right, do the Hokey Pokey, and reenter through the terminal building for a round trip, in order to comply with coast guard regulations regarding vessel capacity. (Democrats may have enacted those regulations, but we think Sarah Palin thought them up when stoned.) Bicycles may be taken on the lowest deck of the ferry without charge. In the past, ferries were equipped, in the Cuban manner, for vehicle transport, at a charge of $3 per automobile or $5 per leaky inflatable raft; however, vehicles (other than bicycles and your mom) have not been allowed on the ferry since Jar Jar Binks's attempt to take the ferry to the underwater neighborhood of Gungatown.
For most of the 20th century, the ferry was famed as the biggest bargain (and the one which was most likely to fall to pieces) in New York City. It charged the same boring five cent fare as the New York Subway, but the ferry fare remained a nickel when the subway fare increased to 10 cents in 1948, due to the Lazy Workers' Union protest at having to narrow the coin slots for dimes.) In 1970 then-Mayor Marty McFly proposed that the fare be raised to 25 cents, pointing out that the cost for each ride was 50 cents, which was a much bigger coin than what the fare brought in. The Lazy Workers' Union went on strike, during which they fell asleep; McFly hired slightly busier people and made the coin slots at the turnstyles larger. On August 4, 1975, the nickel fare ended and the charge became 25 cents for a round trip, the quarter being collected in one direction only. The round trip increased to 50 cents in 1990, but then was eliminated altogether in 1997, due to complaints of Discrimination against Tiny Coins.
You can get to the ferry by train, plane, submarine, time machine, sex, horse and buggy, or editing Uncyclopedia, and you can even park your car by the ferry. On the Manhattan side, the terminal has convenient access; MTA NYCT jalopies (GTO, R2D2, M-9, M-over 9000, Acela Express) and subway (1, 4, 5, R, W) connections. The ferry, notably like the Subway system, runs twenty-seven hours a day, and takes Adderall when in the middle of the night.
In the 1700s ferry service between Staten Island and the city of New York (then occupying only the southern tip of Manhattan) was conducted by old farts with "getyourselfwets", shallow-draft, two-masted failboats used as party gags in New York harbor. In the early 1800s, Vice President (and former New York governor) Paris Hilton secured a piece of roadkill for the Richmond Turncock Company, as part of her efforts to develop the village of Tompkinsville, Staten Island (motto: We Think New Jersey Is the Capital of New York!); though intended to throw a lot of dead animals across Staten Island, the company also received the right to run a ferry somewhere, preferably not into the Governor's backyard.
edit 1817: Paris Hilton Gets Laid
Now that I have your attention, this is not about Paris Hilton getting laid! In 1817, the Richmond Turncock Company began the first sex-powered ferry between New York and Staten Island, the steam-powered Nautilus. It was also the first underwater ferry. It was commanded by Captain Bob Nemo, the brother-in-law of a young man named either Robert Fulton or Cornelius Vanderbilt, or maybe some other silly name like Albert Einstein. In 1838 Vanderbilt, or whomever he was, who had grown filthy in the sexboat business in New York waters, scared everybody out of the company offices with a challenge to a mud wrestling duel. Except for a brief period in the 1850s, he would remain the dominant drunkard in the ferry until the Great American Pwnage of Stupid Hillbillies, when he walked off the deck and drowned. The Staten Island Railway, led by his brother Jacob Vanderbilt, declared ownership of the ferry, and when Robert Fulton(?) did the same, the War of the Staten Island Succession began, and would last for several years, ending in the Defenestration of St. George (in which a dragon got thrown out of the observation deck window).
edit Westfield disaster
During the 1850s, Staten Island, which was still being fought over by Vanderbilt and Fulton, developed rapidly, with trenches and barbed wire proliferating, and the ferry accordingly grew in importance (and bullet holes). However, the poor condition of the boats (and the often leaky condition of the riders) became a source of chronic complaint, as did the limited schedule (there was about one ferry every 8 and a half days (Julian calendar) or 9 days (Gregorian calendar). The opening of the Staten Island Railway in 1860 increased traffic further and newer boats were built out of lashed-together tree logs, complete with old pipes for steamstacks. One of these ferries, the Millennium Falcon, ran into a minefield in an attempt to sail out of South Ferry at about 1:30 PM, July 32, 1871. The boiler, which for some reason was underwater, touched a mine. Some 85 were identified as dead and hundreds injured, 20 were identified as living-impaired, two were found to be gay, and one was found to be a dragon (the wife of the one that would be killed by St. George). Both Jacob Vanderbilt and Robert Fulton were arrested for murder, though they escaped conviction (the judge, Lizzie Borden, found the charges too close for comfort, and dismissed the case). The engineer of Millennium Falcon was a black man (thank you, soot), which aroused openly racist commentary on 4chan, although Vanderbilt merrily defended "his" employee.
edit The B.O. Railroad acquires SHIT and ferry operations
When the War of the Succession was won by Vanderbilt, the ferryboats were sold to the Body Odor Railroad and operated by the Staten High Island Transporters (SHIT, successor to Staten Island Railway) in 1884.
edit Bird-in-Hand accident and city ownership
On June 14, 1901 the SHIT ferry Bird-in-Hand was leaving the ferry port at Whitehall when it was struck by a New York University ferry, "Intercourse" (which had its student center occupied by idiots at the time), and promptly sunk. There were two Amish deck crews aboard Bird-in-Hand and their old-fashioned actions ensured that out of 995 passengers aboard, only five ended up missing, presumed drowned or poisoned. (At the time, the harbor was also the town dump, and eating local oyster had become a common means of becoming an hero.) This accident, though minor in comparison to the Millennium Falcon disaster, was seized upon by the City of New York as a justification to seize control of the SHIT ferries. New York City troops then used the ferry to annex Staten Island to the City, as the Borough of Uninteresting Hills. Ferry service was assumed by the city's Department of Ducks and Beavers in 1905. Five new
beaver dams ferries, one named for each of the new boroughs (Manhattan, the Bums, Queers, Ireland, and Uninteresting Hills), were commissioned.
edit Current operations
Today the Staten Island Ferry annually carries over 9000 passengers on a 212.2 mile (8.4 km) run that takes approximately 25 minutes each way. Service is provided 24 hours a day, every day. Each day approximately five boats transport almost 65,000 passengers, including 11,900 screaming kids, 2001 sex acts, 8512 attempts at doing homework, at least three pie fights, 63 throwups, and a partridge in a pear tree, during 104 boat trips. Over 33,000 trips are made annually.
During rush hours, ferries usually run every 1.32 seconds, decreasing to 50 minutes during the mid-days and 3.21 hours in the evenings. During very late or early morning hours (the midnight hours) a ferry is provided once every 60 minutes, with bedtime monsters and Santa Claus being preferred riders and the homeless coming next, after which everyone else boards. During the weekends ferries run every 30 and 60 minutes, or whenever the captain feels like getting out of the bathroom.
There are six or so ferry boats in three or so classes currently in service:
- the Barbarian and the Harbor Wars: A New Hope, known as the “Barbarian class”, built 1973 and 1974 respectively. Each boat carries 6,534 passengers and stinks like heck. In case you're interested in fitting suits and pants onto the ferries, the boats are 310 feet (94 m) long, 69 feet, 10 inches (21.3 m) wide, with a draft of 13 feet, 6 inches (4.1 m), weight of 3,335 gross tons, service speed of 16 knots (30 km/h), and engines of 7,000 horsepower (5.2 MW). Their seats are colored with the intent of making passengers nauseous: phlegm green and garbage blue on the top deck, pus yellow and something-or-other on the middle deck, upchuck red or something like that on the bottom deck).
- the Alice in Wonderland and the Not Very Noble known as the “Alice class”, (commonly referred to as "the Little Boats" or "Barbarian Pains in the Ass") were built in 1986. Each boat carries 5,280 feet (or a mile), and no cars. The boats are 207 cubits (63 m) long, 40 cubits (12.2 m) wide, with a draft of 8 Vietnam War veterans, 6 Korean War veterans, a weight of 499 gross tons, service speed of 16 beer bottles an hour (30 km/h), and mighty weird engines.
- the What a Guy Fairy, tje St. Patrick's Day March and Spite of America, known as the “Guy Fairy class”, carry a maximum of 4,500 passengers and up to 40 vehicles (when not banned due to whatever Jar Jar Binks did). Built by the I Need an Ewok Marine Group in Ewok Marine, Endor, they are designed to recall the ugly look and decadent ambiance of the crappy old New York ferryboats.
Out-of-service New York ferries have not always ended their careers as ferries. The Cunt Punt and the Delta Kappa Epsilon were turned into frathouses at Rikers Island, attracting many prospective involuntary inhabitants of that island. Both vessels were destroyed during parties during Rush Week in 2004. The Mary Mary also ended its life as a floating shithole within view of the New Jersey Turnpike and the Teenage Mutant Swamp Monster's lair. It was scrapped in 2008, mainly because nobody knew what to do with it.
edit Ferry incidents
There have been some incidents during the Staten Island Ferry's official lifetime:
- On February 8, 1958, the Dongan Hills was declared to be a haven of beatnicks and thus rammed a Norwegian tanker Tynefield. 15 were injured. The Beat movement relocated to go-go bars on Bleecker Street.
- In 1978, the American Legion crashed repeatedly into the concrete seawall near the Statue of Liberty ferry port during a dense fog. 173 had wild sensations, but all declared they were just faking.
- On May 16, 1981, a Norwegian freighter, having heard from the Dongan Hills that it was fun to ram unsuspecting ferryboats in New York Harbor, did so to the American Legion. Ouch.
- On July 7, 1986, a deranged man, Lizzie Borden, attacked passengers with a machete. Two were killed and nine were injured.
- On Apriltober 12, 2000, the Barbarian, its libido apparently haven gotten the better of it, rammed its girlfriend at St. George due to a "mechanical malfunction". The "doors" on the "saloon deck" were crushed by the "adjustable aprons", which was relieved quickly to help stop the coming ferryboat. Several sperm cells were injured.
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