User:LuMontyZ/Fire Emblem: Abridged

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Your average Fire Emblem player.

Fire Emblem is a strategy RPG game series spanning various Nintendo consoles. While the West was trolled with no releases until the days of the GBA, Fire Emblem 5 ended up as a huge prank from the developers Intelligent Designs to the Eastern gaming world. Known series-wide for punishing players like cats on a hot tin roof, Fire Emblem represents an important piece of JRPG history as a tribute to bishies, dragons (euphemism intended), traps, and characters of questionable sexuality. Fire Emblem is abbreviated by fans as FE and by haters as CRAP.

edit Fire Emblem

The first game in the series is said to revolve around dragons, a dude named Marth, and some entity known as Naga. Far from confirmed, some players and fans claim that the whole game is a sham and that the game can't possibly be Fire Emblem. While it's true that conventions such as the Weapon Triangle and dodging don't exist yet this game is indeed the first entry into the series.

Marth is a Prince who ends up with a fancy sword and gets help from Naga, the dragon. The remainder of the information is sketchy and was obtained from trusted sources. According to the Japanese instruction manual, Marth has this thing where enemies find him irresistible. Game experts hypothesize that his cologne is amazing. Others say the opposite, claiming he smells so bad the enemies want him dead and prevented from further intrusions on their land with his stench. Whatever the case, Marth ends up as the series' first and premier experience hog. Kotaku videos pop up from time to time where a healer is given a staff and Marth does the rest. The mystique around this game is quickly ruined. Rumors abound of epic adventure, dragons, magic, and sex on the beach, and discovery of Marth's attraction secret. The 8-bit pictures confirm this to be nonsense.

This game was featured on the Famicom, the parallel to the NES. This means that even if anyone could tell what was going on, no one else would believe them. This resulted in many more rumors of the game. First and foremost, urban legend states Roy is from this game due to his Smash Bros. appearance with Marth. This is not true. Roy stars in Fire Emblem 6: True Pain. The second most popular rumor is that the game is really cool and has memorable moments. This is simply an illusion surrounding the game, which itself is just as dated as the fossil of a system it's on. Finally, dragons aren't really in the game. Anything claiming to look like a dragon looks unconvincing at best, as evidenced by the picture at right.


It's supposed to be a dragon, but the 8-bit makes it hard to tell.

edit Fire Emblem: Gaiden

Gaiden means a title that no one wants. That said, it is much like Zelda II, Castlevania II and others where the developers were dropped on their heads and changed random things. What exactly is changed is unknown, but pirates who have played it claim the game to be one of the worst in the series. To it's credit the art style is similar to that of Gundam.


Gaiden box art is cool, right?

edit Fire Emblem 3: Marth Again

An odd choice by the devs, this game is a revamped version and story of the first game. While the improvements are great, FE: 12 does the same as a NDS remake which can be imported instead. Many elements are similar and thus the Fire Emblem entry above should be referenced.

edit Fire Emblem 4, or Sigurd's Rampage during a Time of Bad Behavior

The main character is Sigurd, the first good Lord of Fire Emblem. Otherwise, there is a rather inappropriate story. There's all sorts of inbreeding and other such nonsense. No synopsis can adequately explain the bizarre tale. To sum up, an evil king does some evil stuff, a woman is forced to have a kid with a relative of hers, an apocalypse approaches, and the player must guide Sigurd and crew to save the world. While quaint, the devs have made a gutsy move by putting so many appalling scenarios in the game. Aside from those previously listed, there are human sacrifices and the rest cannot be divulged while retaining a PG rating. Needless to say, players are encouraged to play with a parent, guardian, or pet while playing if one can read Japanese. Otherwise, players are forced to focus on the Sims aspect of the game.

The dating game allows the pairing up of characters for the second generation, i.e. the second half of the game. It seems shipping was big even back in 1994. This convention allows for some really great characters, but most players will be lost or unwilling to come up with good pairings in enough time. It is reported that some of the characters were so good the devs decided to screw players over whenever possible. There seems to be a lot of that in this game.

This game is pivotal in the series for introducing many elements that are now main-stays. For example, the weapons' triangle was introduced. Swords beat axes which beat lances which beat swords. This is an attempt at "strategy," the genre of Fire Emblem. Maps are large and garrisons many. There's even a deployment option mid-battle. Too bad the player will never need it seeing as how Sigurd and the kids the player can make are so loltastic. While not as easy as Sacredly Stoned, this game suffers from a too easy/too hard balance; not that many should know this, seeing as playing it would largely be illegal. That overlooked, the game promises adventure and battles which will be gotten in spades.

The RNG was introduced in this game for hits and dodges. Known otherwise as dumb luck, this convention makes for good entertainment while watching others. A random poll shows that many sadistic people enjoy watching as their friend's unit misses at 99% hit, only to be critical countered at 1% thus ruining the entire chapter. This game confirmed that a character death is permanent, thus making it a big deal. Yes indeed, there is indeed a lot of screwing here.

edit Fire Emblem 6: True Pain, or, Why Roy Exists

Yes Smash Bros. fanboys, Roy is the main character of this game. For those who liked him in Melee, there is none but disappointing news. Roy sucks with a sword and doesn't learn how to promote until the game is almost over. The extent of his talent is dying and forcing the player to start a map over. Players are in luck because seven special battles must be activated and completed to actually play the final chapters. The weapons won can break, which also prevents the real ending.

Regardless, this time dragons really are in the game. Countless conflicting reports originally arose causing a mass confusion. According to an unnamed source, the official endgame had not yet been revealed thus causing the issue.


Narshen and his Dragon in FE 6

Aside from Narshen who shows some, er, interesting tastes the story is a fairly bland adventure filled with reinforcements who can attack as soon as they appear. Many players enjoy their support units dying so much that they invariably play the same maps over and over. Data compiled suggests that this game is used by BDSM couples as a form of foreplay. An import is legal and encouraged for gamers with no life to speak of. Mere mortals are warned away from this one on account of death by frustration or boredom, a brilliant segue to the sequel.

edit Fire Emblem 7, the Blazing Boredom

FE 7 is a release after FE 6 but chronologically before FE 6. Potential players are encouraged to take a class with Stephen Hawking or a similar instructor to allow for a greater grasp on this time mechanic.

It starts off with Lyn. Then it ends with Lyn meeting her grandfather. Then many gamers will realize how stupid this tutorial crap is and finally be able to play the real game. One could always read the instruction manual instead, but to have good stats on the tutorial characters, this section must be played. As it is, these chapters compose a third of the game making it a sort of jab to the ribs for dedicated players. Once the player knows that the D-pad moves, A confirms, and B cancels, the remainder becomes torture as the game force the player to take on the prissy Serra, the trap Lucius, and Red Riding Hood's boyfriend Matthew. One particular battle serves as fodder for the so-called efficiency players who don't count this as part of the overall turn count. For the layman reader, this is known as cheating.


This is more colorful than the game.

Another main character is Hector. Being as good as Sigurd without a horse, it's a wonder he doesn't huff kittens. As it stands, his character is mostly of the casual sort, wanting to smash things as long as they're not his friends. In-game descriptions envision a motherly yeti in a male human body. Eventually, political stuff happens and the story takes a twist. Luckily, *minor spoiler* Hector can simply continue to smash things and all is well. Considering that Hector is the first Lord to ever hit Western soil, he seems to have made a huge success of himself while avoiding the usual celebrity antics of drugs and sex. Violence does occur which has caused Hector to be banned from everywhere.

Eliwood is the final main character. He's on a quest for his father and of course things turn south. To fans, he is known as Emowood for his poor demeanor and cruddy stats. Like Roy he sucks, not doing much else besides dying, which he is good at. This will cause many resets for even the most vigorous players. When he's not doing that, Emowood is taking up a deployment slot while drinking Romulan Ale.

edit Fire Emblem 8, Sacredly Stoned

This story follows one of either the prissy princess, Eirika, or her addict brother Ephraim. While their childhood friend Lyon is learning the basics of demon summoning, E&E come under attack by forces who have suddenly been ordered by their king to attack. Everyone has seen this storyline before, but the deep characters save the day. The overworld map allows level-building so players can experience all the units to their fullest, which includes Seth, Mini-Seth AKA Franz, and Moulder the Mustache.

To sum up, Eirika plays akin to Emowood except she screams for chocolates and manipedis whenever attacked. Never to be outdone by her Knight of Protection Seth, Eirika often throws herself into harms way simply because she likes the attention. This is seen in-game by her forced deployment and enemy magnetism, akin to Marth. Rumor has it she knows Sean Connery but this would break the 4th wall and thus can't possibly be true.

Ephraim is a stoner prince dedicated to the use of his spear. Incidentally, he's always finding someone to puncture and is surely an opportunist in battle and otherwise. Never one to share, Ephraim will hog all of the stat increasing items, thus making his adventures much more difficult for potential allies. When confronted by Seth, Ephraim often moves his spear in a quick horizontal motion repeatedly while refusing to talk. Parents be warned, this earned the game a T rating.

Seth is the most sexy awesome character in the game. Just using him causes an amorous feeling and may make male gamers uncomfortable. Thus two camps exist, one claiming it's okay if it's in a game way, and those otherwise. Needless to say, Seth makes the game fairly easy and should be used sparingly, even by rabid fangirls (he calls to mind Bakura and Marik of YuGiOh fame).

Lyon ends up perfecting his demon summoning and calls forth something like an evil Mr. Tumnus. According to legend, if Lyon had only followed the instructions none of the games' events would take place, thus circumventing the matter. That said, due to his epic failure he is the other fangirl bait of the game, whether his usual self or not.


Ephraim's Coat of Arms.

edit Fire Emblem 9, Path of Radiation

This summary is spoiler free and thus makes little sense to the lay reader. It is recommended that one plays while referencing this entry to maximize enjoyment and knowledge.

Ike is the son of Greil a legendary fighter and is still wet behind the ears. As a result of his dad being slaughtered by a mysterious foe a traumatic event, Ike must head the Greil Mercenaries and protect the Princess Elincia. During this journey, Ike will fight his father's murderer, the Black Knight and become loltastic like Sigurd. Ike's blue hair allows him his awesome power, like Hector before him. Other characters support, such as the sexy librarian-type Callil, the meathead Boyd, and others. Included are the Laguz, beastmen of sorts. They are seen as less than equal in this world and thus a large political message revolves around them. They'll decide to help Ike and defeat Mad King Ashnard.

A caution to readers, as the next section is a sequel and thus spoils this section.

edit Fire Emblem 10, That one Thing

First it is important for Westerners to realize the significance of the title. Path of Radiation was so odd-ball and low-selling that another game was almost out of the question. The clever devs decided on a sequel to PoR to offer continuity and thus more of a connection for sales. The title was never really decided on and thus That one Thing was born. Known in Japan as Seppuku Yoshimitsu Desu Faiā Emuburemu Bishie Delight, the Western title is often used even by the East for brevity's sake.

This game took hard mode to a new level. The Dawn Brigade is a group of rioters attempting to overthrow the now-evil Crimean army occupying Daein. In true fashion, they attempt raids, topless protests, and sabotage. To avoid lawsuits, references to PETA and Greenpeace were omitted thus preserving the game in the West. In combat the Dawn Brigade rather blows but it's all worth it to see Nolan run around half naked while throwing Crimean supplies.

Nolan Artwork (FE10)

You know you want him.

One can Battle Save now, thus allowing for a bit more flexibility in strategy. Though labeled as a "n00b tool" by veteran players, it is important to note that 70% of hardcore Emblem players cried until falling asleep after playing the Dawn Brigade for the first time. Effects were lethal on hard mode. The Dawn Brigade is like trying to fight Sean Connery and his awesomeness with Mickey Mouse at his side. It just can't be done. One wonders if this is a legalized form of torture.

Thus, the line of "strategy" and "head-desking every combat round" are blurred. Some battles are truly trollish and require many attempts without a guide. Think Fire Emblem 6: True Pain but with flashier graphics and worse characters. On the other hand, most of the story is an unnecessary continuation of Path of Radiation. Thus the sequel becomes its own problem.

The only trivia of note has to do with Ike. In PoR he seemed down with Elincia. In this game, he seems off, not interested in her or women at all. Thus some fans hypothesized that Ike is actually gay. Their evidence is Ike going on a special journey after the game finishes with Ranulf or Soren as well as a secret support with Soren. No one knows for sure, but one thing is certain. Fire Emblem shippers refuse to believe in bromance and demand homosexuality. Or so it seems. While playing the game, the Surgeon General recommends avoiding such arguments at the risk of lethality.

edit Fire Emblem 11: Shadow Marth

This is a rehash of Fire Emblem, the first section in this article. Besides looking pretty it allows a crack at the game legally. Its dated structure, campy dialogue, bludgeoningly linear storyline and spam of Marth indicate that players weren't missing anything to begin with. Opinions vary, but it is confirmed that dragons really are in the game.

edit Fire Emblem 12: Marth Again Again

Like Shadow Marth, this game is a rehash of FE: Marth Again. While it was not released in the West, intel shows that players could make their own character. As a precursor this is historically important to Fire Emblem: Finally but not for much else. As a redo, it makes one wonder why the same exact audience was given the game to play. The latest theory is that Intelligent Designs is trolling the West, in which case they have succeeded.

edit Fire Emblem: Finally and its DLC


One example of the inappropriate DLC art; no smart person wears really short shorts when in battle.

Fire Emblem: Kakusei, nicknamed as Awakening in the West, but really called FE: Finally, comes as a welcome innovation. The improved combat of the otherwise loltastic Shadow Dragon is here, along with an all new story of Bishies, emo swordsmen, boobalicious women, and of course, random chance screwing the player over. Not satisfied to create a normal tale, Intelligent Designs creates an unintelligent story with everything from time travel to parallel universes. It's a surprise J.J. Abrams didn't raise a fuss after he practically copyrighted that method with the new Star Treks. The main villains do villainous things villainously. Really this is of no importance, as to the chagrin of series veterans, players can now grind their characters up (in level, in case dirty minded readers were wondering) by skirmishes on the map. When that fails, players can activate cheese mode by using their extra gold to buy characters, even those of their friends. Kids, like in FE 4, are generally super units.

The only challenge lies in Lunatic mode and Lunatic+ mode. The former requires a bit of luck but mostly very specific strategy. Oddly, veterans generally complain about the mode claiming it's too hard, it's not fun, and that it's no good. This is strange considering the game can be completed without grinding and that the difficulty is finally that of the Japanese version, proving Americans have the stones to complete it as well. Whatever the case, Lunatic+ mode adds random super skills to enemies. It makes 99% misses look like candy and as such must be avoided at the risk of reducing one's life by 5 years.

Further, there is now DLC. In classic Fire Emblem fashion these missions were added so true players could measure their...mustaches against each other, as these maps are much more difficult than the main game, minus Lunatic. With the dating shenanigans a la Fire Emblem 4 the main game is such a cakewalk even Portal can't say no to it. Even so, these missions are feared even by the elite efficiency players. Yes, the valiant crew who moments before learning of these maps would have scoffed at Awakening, sending it off alongside Sacredly Stoned, cannot even bear some of the maps. This is further complicated because one can get broken skills and such for the main game but only after succeeding.

Here is an example of Apotheosis, the hardest DLC map of them all:

Turn 1: Player checks stats of enemies

And that's it. This battle alone is an entry by itself. The insane enemies and skill combos make many wet themselves. Why does that General have 80 Defense, much higher than the normal max? Because DLC, that's why. Thought you had that KO? Sorry, Vantage ensures that your tanking strategies can't end in a sweep of glory. Enjoying that Aversa's Night health regen? Good for you, Luna will go right through your armor and your HP will plummet to zero. Players will know what this means. Laymen are better off staying as such.

Never fear, as this game is still quite fun. Shipping abounds and there are plenty of characters to love. From the trap Libra to Owain AKA Wood, fan girls should rejoice. Most male players think the female list of characters is either Tharja and Tiki and Anna or Nowi and Nah. This is simply untrue. Aside from the fact that players finally get to play as the redheaded help girl Anna, the cast is more diverse than previously stated. Make no mistake, some men cannot avert their eyes away from Tiki's cleavage to confirm, but this is assuredly true. Arguments over Nowi and Nah are like those of Ike and Soren. Thus it is best that potential players read up on fetishes and call it a day.

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